Hard-to-handle grandaughter

Don't collect her if you can't manager her. Its not safe.

I've seen reception children act this way after school, its like a kettle going off. It can be managed, and its okay for you to say that you can't do it and suggest the family use alternative after school care.

She is probably also picking up on the fact that you don't like her and favour her brother.

P.s. did you really see a 4 year old being dragged by their hair ?

I am not at all looking forward to the next time our daughter asks us to pick her up from school.

So say no.

Did you tell your DD how difficult it was? Ask your DD for her advice on handling her. Do you have a DH? Could you both go and if necessary hold her hand either side of her.Hope things improve

Twenty minutes is a long time for a young child to hang around waiting for her brother to finish school, so no wonder she runs around.

Why not you or your husband take her home and the other wait for her brother.

Maybe "handle" her a bit more? By which I mean hold her hand when you're walking down the street. You're allowed to insist about something like that and to hang onto her wrist if she tugs away. You could also have physically removed her from that person's flower border when speaking didn't work. As you've described the scenarios, you're letting her get away with disobedience so she thinks (like any normal child) that you don't mean what you say.

I agree that I would have used restraint. Are you physically able to pick her up and remove her eg from the garden. And I would certainly hold her hand, even though she objects and struggles.

Failing that, refuse to pick her up from school.

I would have physically removed her from that garden, and ensured she wouldn't be running off again by holding her hand very tightly firmly.

I would have taken her hand to keep her safe,whilst restraining her destructive antics,my grandson is the same age and responds to my very firm voice when needs must,we have lots of fun because he knows the boundaries and doesn’t cross them.

Talk to your daughter about this Madmeg and find out how she deals with her daughter.
I agree 20 minutes is a long time to wait, can you not take something to distract her during this time. Try spending time with her other than the school run doing something she enjoys so you build a rapport. If you feel her safety is compromised then maybe you should have some help for a while.

I think that you should not bear the responsibility of picking her up from school. I certainly could not run after a disobedient child, nor lift her from the flower bed situation nor hold her hand tightly enough that she cannot pull away.

Safety is the most important consideration here; and I think you should talk to DD about the situation.

I pick up a similar age DGD from school twice, sometimes three times a week and it only works because she has been very clearly trained by her parents (and endorsed by us) about behaviour on car parks and on pavements.

I understand that tiredness and releasing the bottle of pop that occurs after school - she sometimes needs careful handling at this time.

We have rituals at our house that she loves and if she were to misbehave on the way home I would have that inducement to encourage good behaviour. Might you be able to institute something like this?

Thanks all. I did talk to DD and she struggles as well. She has taken some advice from teachers who have said not to dampen her spirit and not to assume that she understands as much as we think she does, so it's hard to know what action to take.

We did take a snack and a ball but she wouldn't play. When walking to her brother's classroom she said "I'm only coming if I don't have to hold anyone's hand". A few weeks ago we took them to a shopping mall and she refused to hold hands and I spent the entire time chasing after her. On a larger family outing she shunned my hand and "made a point" of holding everyone else's.

I didn't remove her from the garden cos I simply didn't think I would have to after using my sternest voice.

We don't see much of the kiddies despite making ourselves available as often as possible.

I don't want to dislike her. Yes GS is a dream boy but I can't expect them to be the same.

Just reading your replies has given me a few ideas for next time - but I might be back here!

Meg

before my first grandson came along I thought I would look after him while mum worked 2 days a week. the reality was, I was exhausted after looking after him for half a day! they make you feel young for the first half hour!
its a tough job for sure...….

My DGD comes here after school and these are some of the inducements to good behaviour after school:
- a "milky bottle" - she is far too old for this really but it is just a jokey treat at my house.
- a sandwich whilst sitting at a little table and watching CBeebies or similar.
- craft stuff that she loves, especially if making for a present (sometimes of course children are far too tired at school's end to concentrate on such things).
- dipping into the book box for a book - she vegges out with bottle whislt being read to.
- chocolate biscuits - I know, I know, but what are grannies for if they cannot offer the odd treat!?

Hand holding is not optional IMO for younger kids in dangerous busy places. I use my physical advantage to keep a physical hold of small kids in such situations. They learn its not optional when out with me. I did this with my lift share kids (i.e. not my own) who would refuse to hold their parents hands. They gave up objecting on my lift day.

Not everyone is up to it, and thats okay. With small kids physically moving/removing is justified for safety reasons

Most children I come across are like this now. My own GGC are the same and it's very trying on my GD . So disobedient and you can shout until the cows come home but it makes no difference.
I've tried restraining by hugging tight until they calm down------works for a few minutes then they're off again.
My mother would have walloped me for behaving like that.
The only consolation is that they'll grow out of it but meantime it doesn't make for very nice children. A lack of discipline in the home accounts for a lot of this as parents are afraid of upsetting a child as well as the risk of social services knocking on the door if you dare to slap a child.

I think it's best if you avoid collecting her until her behaviour can be better managed. Some children are just more strong willed than others, despite identical parenting, and will test boundaries more. It takes a lot of repitition and consistent rules from all caregivers to change behaviour. I would say if she's like this again it needs to be simply pick her up and remove her or hold her wrist and walk quickly off, she will be forced to walk with you. But she needs to be removed from the situation, rather than seeing that she is in control of when she leaves. And then a consequence at home for behaviour.

I know you said you don't push the issue now, but please don't expect her to give you a kiss goodbye. I know a lot of people consider it to be rude when children don't give a kiss or hug goodbye but if she's not comfortable with it then it's not fair on her. Children need to learn they can say no to physical contact, even from their own parents and grandparents. The amount of historical child abuse accounts that we are now hearing about have taught us that at least.

As for a pps suggestion that they would have been 'walloped'. My brother was slapped as a child, it didn't change his behaviour one bit, just led to him hitting other children who he thought had 'done wrong'. Also to say A lack of discipline in the home accounts for a lot of this doesn't really make any sense here as the OP states that her GDs older brother (so the same parenting) does not behave like this. So I doubt it's down to parenting and more likely a very strong willed little girl!

I had a child like that and talking to them gets you nowhere. I avoided smacking but I did keep her under firm physical control.

As you say you cannot smack her, but you can touch her. I would have physically have removed the child's hands from the plants and held her by one arm until the two of us had replaced them. Similarly in the play ground, I would have held the child's wrist firmly if she would not stand still and held her and ignored her until she did.

I appreciate it is difficult for you, you are not her mother and as a grandmother, you say, you do not know her well.

EllanVannin, children like this exist regardless of home discipline. My very DMiL stayed with us for a month. She was an infant teacher and knew how to control recalcitrant children, At the end of the month she told me that she always thought me a bit strict with DD, but after living with us she understood the problems.

The consolation is that these are often very bright children and sometimes extending them mentally helps self control. Would this child qualify for any gifted or talented programmes through school? Does she have a family member who can give her a lot of one to one time to encourage her interests and stretch her mind. These children often work best on a one to one basis

DD is now in her 40s, she recognises the very uncompromising nature of her personality and has chosen not to live with anyone or have children, but she has had one very successful career and has just done an about turn and started another, her success has been based on her strong will and determination to get things done. She is still her most relaxed when with just one other person.

Girls generally are stronger willed than boys. Both brother and I were disciplined but I remained the wilful one as from an early age I refused to smile for photographs. The problem is that the child who displays good behaviour tends ( shouldn't ) to receive the attention and good praise making it more difficult for the mis-behaving one to understand and so continues to distract for the sake of attention to her.
Children are complex little people because you don't know what they're thinking and are too young to understand and explain.

GGD ran away from me a few years ago after she'd got off a swing in the local park. I nearly had a seizure chasing after her. Her twin brother was entirely different and I knew there was rivalry between them. He was a proper little " Lord Fauntleroy " at the time. Now 12 year olds,the tables have turned. Kids ??!

"Girls generally are stronger willed than girls!" ....er really? Depends on the individual not a generalisation!

This sounds just like my dad, if she won't do something then she will scream, bite and kick me hard to get her Own way. She too is bright in top set for maths and English. She can do percentages and reads fluently. She rolls her eyes if I sound old fashioned. She is 5 going on 55. I despair sometimes and her mum is almost in tears. The school gave her a good report too. It is like dealing with a teenager.

I meant my granddaughter, the tablet doesn't recognise d g d .

I think many of these children are just under-stretched mentally and take their frustrations out physically on those around them.

Even though she is now an adult, I have noticed how relaxed and genial DD has become since moving to a much more mentally demanding job earlier this year.

For me it would be a choice between reins (or wrist to wrist strap) or holding my hand.

DH and I used wrist straps recently with our grandchildren ( 3 & 5 yr olds) at a large nightime bonfire.
Just as added protection (dark with a lot of people) and still just held DGS hands.

Sounds like my DD at the same age.

You might not be able to smack, but you can hold ! I'd just pick her up or put my arm around her waist and firmly direct her to move away from the garden bed. Same with swinging around the light pole. Don't let her get near these things.