worried about GD

Eww wearing shoes In a house is yeuk! I wouldnt dream of wearing my shoes in someone’s house unless it was a very hot dry summer and I taught my kids to always take their shoes off. It’s basic good manners.

I don’t go along with grubby ness being a happy home.

My sil was a very grubby person and her house was dusty and dirty and unpleasant. Her girls as they got older were embarrassed and cleaned up themselves but as crawling babies they were filthy and had constant tummy upsets.

Dear daughter/ ds is dear son dh/dese husband dsil/ dear son in law etc

While I agree that passive smoking certainly isn't good, it's not actually that simple to quit smoking. The person has to be ready to do that and it's a long and difficult process. Again, something best left to the experts. A medical provider can assist them in determining if there are medical things that can be done to help with smoking cessation.

I'll just add to my last post. My one daughter untidy house , none too clean her 3 children are rarely ill.My middle daughter totally the opposite, not a thing out of place and over the top clean. Her children catch every bug going.

My daughters house, like a lot of others on this post is an awful mess but like most others I try to ignore it. The passive smoking I can't really agree with but, I, like alot of other people was brought up in a house where my father smoked around 30 a day and I survived and am very healthy and always have been. I'm in no way condoning smoking, I've never smoked myself, but if you can't do anything about it, just try to ignore it. Most people were brought up in households where people smoked, before the dangers of smoking were realised, so hopefully your grand daughter will be ok.

This is a really difficult one. I have the opposite problem My GD was seriously ill as a newborn and my daughter has been obsessive about cleanliness ever since.

The mould and the dirty drinking cup would be my priorities. Mould can kill if it gets bad enough.

Is there anyone else who your daughter might listen to ? Sometimes ( actually most times ) daughters don't take it well from their Mums.

I simply can't understand why some working mothers can't/don't keep a clean home. I'd be ashamed if my AC or GC didn't keep a nice home and know how to cook properly. They all work full time too so it's not as if they're at home all day. Words fail me.

I wear indoor shoes.
DH wears slippers with proper soles.

Shoes off in my house and workmen either take them off or put on elasticated paper shoe protectors. They've always been happy to wear their socks. I walk around barefoot.

My son before he was married got his flat into quite a state. This went on forages, he stopped asking me in. Eventually I came up with the idea of me paying for a days deep clean.

I introduced my idea gently, and he agreed. Afterwards he was able to keep it cleaner and even invite his then girlfriend around. She was a tidy fiend and spotless.

Help by sorting out what would or might help.

I agree with you, I may be lucky as my daughter was really untidy until she became a Mum and she always welcomes a bit of help from time to time. I don’t think it’s wrong to point out the problems that can be caused by passive smoking, black mould or slimy beakers as all of them are health hazards and are easily solved.

I'd rather be in a home than a showhouse ! My ex SiL had/has a showhouse which was so uncomfortable to the point of making my family feel ill and on edge every time we went there. The cushions used to get " fluffed up " soon after you'd been sitting down just to go into the dining room to eat------which was another feat in itself, being scared of any spillage. It wasn't normal and I defy anyone who says that it is. Shoes were left at the front door on arrival ! The son wasn't allowed to play with " dirty " kids.

I certainly don't care about untidiness where there are children or even a bit of dust and the usual household/kitchen gubbins. Mucky kids are happy kids ! They're allowed a free rein to play happily in a non-oppressive atmosphere and will grow up normally unlike those brought up in a clinical household.

Darling daughter

To keep the peace you could overlook most things you have mentioned but I would definitely do something about the passive smoke inhalation and the black mould as they could cause serious health issues for your granddaughter. I would print off some information about the dangers, help her to get rid of the mould and give her some advice about preventing it or minimising it. A lot of young people have their houses way too hot and rarely open windows and this can be a major cause of condensation leading to black mould if it is not wiped away. Another cause can be drying wet washing in the house. Everything else I would put right myself when I had care of her because she sounds happy and healthy. You could also regularly buy your daughter some dishwasher cleaner and drain cleaner to help avoid the blockages.

mumofmadboys
Yes, I agree about the love and caring bit, that is most important but the b/f plays an on/off part in life of the OP's daughter so we're told and he must be just as laissez faire as the daughter if he does nothing to encourage her to keep the place clean.
We don't know if daughter is working or indeed if the b/f has a job. No mention of that or who looks after the babe if she works. If the daughter is at home all day, does she take her daughter out, play with her in the park, take her to mum and baby swimming or have a coffee with friends and children?
We know nothing of her lifestyle but she's in her mid 30s old enough to keep house and make it a welcoming place. If you envisage the lifestyle painted by the OP, it doesn't give a lot of hope that her daughter will change...and not a good example to her baby daughter as she grows up.
I, like most of us, are thankful for grans who care and the OP will make sure her GD is well looked after.

What does DD actually stand for? If it is for daughter, why is there a second D?

I am puzzled. Please explain.

Maybe the offer of helping her once a week with the housework might be a good one. Do you think she might be depressed? Sometimes that can make us unable to get motivated to do routine chores.
Looking back I don't think I was that good at housework but eventually I learned about routines and planning etc. There are just the two of us now, my husband and myself. We have a cleaner once a week and we stay reasonably civilised. There is a brilliant site called Flylady .com which is free of charge and helps people to get their domestic act together. Flylady is really amazing.

I think it is important to avoid an outright row about this and side with all those suggesting a little sneaky intervention when you can, for instance always giving the cup a good go when you can get your hands on it but not saying anything about it, likewise a quick clean of the sink when your DD is out of the kitchen - you get the idea. IF at some point the child becomes ill then a low key chat might have to happen but otherwise don't get alienated or you will be able to do nothing.

Yes, I too have a Dd who is untidy and disorganised.

I really have to bite my tongue whenever I visit.
In fact, I would go so far as to say she is fairly grubby.
But dgs usually looks clean and tidy and seems happy enough.
Unfortunately, I can’t criticise. Just have to turn a blind eye.

'What a mess of a mother' 'What a disaster'. Both a bit OTT IMHO after only being given a small insight into the situation. If the parents love the child and teach her to be kind and caring this is far more important than clean sinks and ironed clothes.

A bit of sneaky cleaning in important areas, such as the slimy cup, maybe, but I would draw the line at cleaning the house for them, or paying a cleaner. It's just encouraging them to be even more casual. If they are renting, something should be done about the mould, though it is often caused by drying wet clothes in a poorly ventilated house.
I'm rather amused by this thread, because I am the one who has the 'dust if you must' attitude to housework. My daughter is slightly fanatical about tidiness and keeping her house clean (though her bedroom was a tip when she was a teenager) She gets exasperated by my piles of music, knitting on the chair, books scattered about and the slightly unkempt appearance of my house. I'm not unhygienic, but a little dust doesn't bother me, and I enjoy having things to hand when I want them. When I had five children and a husband around it was a case of keeping the place tidy, or sinking under the piles of stuff. Now I can please myself, and do so!

There was a thread in mumsnet where a poster felt overwhelmed by cleaning her very dirty house. Some mumsnetters pmd her and they formed a team to go round and help her give it a one off clean. It worked really well and she was then
Able to keep on top of things

I agree with the above . If she's happy and growing why intervene!

Not everyone is capable of keeping a house and clothes clean though. It’s jot just laziness in some people it’s spare time, lack of seeing the mess, depression etc. It can build up and then the job of cleaning a very messy house seems too big to cope with.

A good one off top to bottom clean by another person can be the first step to the ops dd keeping more on top of things.

How could she? What a mess of a mother. Slime in a child's cup, stinky clothes, mouldy house, sink full of dishes...I'd hate to see the bedding. What a disaster.
No matter what you do, it will never improve your GD's long term living conditions. A very unhappy situation but you will just have to do your best when the child stays with you. I certainly don't recommend cleaning your DD's home. She is quite capable of doing that herself.
You are doing your best and that's all you can do.