worried about GD

mumofmadboys
Yes, I agree about the love and caring bit, that is most important but the b/f plays an on/off part in life of the OP's daughter so we're told and he must be just as laissez faire as the daughter if he does nothing to encourage her to keep the place clean.
We don't know if daughter is working or indeed if the b/f has a job. No mention of that or who looks after the babe if she works. If the daughter is at home all day, does she take her daughter out, play with her in the park, take her to mum and baby swimming or have a coffee with friends and children?
We know nothing of her lifestyle but she's in her mid 30s old enough to keep house and make it a welcoming place. If you envisage the lifestyle painted by the OP, it doesn't give a lot of hope that her daughter will change...and not a good example to her baby daughter as she grows up.
I, like most of us, are thankful for grans who care and the OP will make sure her GD is well looked after.

To keep the peace you could overlook most things you have mentioned but I would definitely do something about the passive smoke inhalation and the black mould as they could cause serious health issues for your granddaughter. I would print off some information about the dangers, help her to get rid of the mould and give her some advice about preventing it or minimising it. A lot of young people have their houses way too hot and rarely open windows and this can be a major cause of condensation leading to black mould if it is not wiped away. Another cause can be drying wet washing in the house. Everything else I would put right myself when I had care of her because she sounds happy and healthy. You could also regularly buy your daughter some dishwasher cleaner and drain cleaner to help avoid the blockages.

Darling daughter

I'd rather be in a home than a showhouse ! My ex SiL had/has a showhouse which was so uncomfortable to the point of making my family feel ill and on edge every time we went there. The cushions used to get " fluffed up " soon after you'd been sitting down just to go into the dining room to eat------which was another feat in itself, being scared of any spillage. It wasn't normal and I defy anyone who says that it is. Shoes were left at the front door on arrival ! The son wasn't allowed to play with " dirty " kids.

I certainly don't care about untidiness where there are children or even a bit of dust and the usual household/kitchen gubbins. Mucky kids are happy kids ! They're allowed a free rein to play happily in a non-oppressive atmosphere and will grow up normally unlike those brought up in a clinical household.

I agree with you, I may be lucky as my daughter was really untidy until she became a Mum and she always welcomes a bit of help from time to time. I don’t think it’s wrong to point out the problems that can be caused by passive smoking, black mould or slimy beakers as all of them are health hazards and are easily solved.

My son before he was married got his flat into quite a state. This went on forages, he stopped asking me in. Eventually I came up with the idea of me paying for a days deep clean.

I introduced my idea gently, and he agreed. Afterwards he was able to keep it cleaner and even invite his then girlfriend around. She was a tidy fiend and spotless.

Help by sorting out what would or might help.

Shoes off in my house and workmen either take them off or put on elasticated paper shoe protectors. They've always been happy to wear their socks. I walk around barefoot.

I wear indoor shoes.
DH wears slippers with proper soles.

I simply can't understand why some working mothers can't/don't keep a clean home. I'd be ashamed if my AC or GC didn't keep a nice home and know how to cook properly. They all work full time too so it's not as if they're at home all day. Words fail me.

This is a really difficult one. I have the opposite problem My GD was seriously ill as a newborn and my daughter has been obsessive about cleanliness ever since.

The mould and the dirty drinking cup would be my priorities. Mould can kill if it gets bad enough.

Is there anyone else who your daughter might listen to ? Sometimes ( actually most times ) daughters don't take it well from their Mums.

My daughters house, like a lot of others on this post is an awful mess but like most others I try to ignore it. The passive smoking I can't really agree with but, I, like alot of other people was brought up in a house where my father smoked around 30 a day and I survived and am very healthy and always have been. I'm in no way condoning smoking, I've never smoked myself, but if you can't do anything about it, just try to ignore it. Most people were brought up in households where people smoked, before the dangers of smoking were realised, so hopefully your grand daughter will be ok.

I'll just add to my last post. My one daughter untidy house , none too clean her 3 children are rarely ill.My middle daughter totally the opposite, not a thing out of place and over the top clean. Her children catch every bug going.

While I agree that passive smoking certainly isn't good, it's not actually that simple to quit smoking. The person has to be ready to do that and it's a long and difficult process. Again, something best left to the experts. A medical provider can assist them in determining if there are medical things that can be done to help with smoking cessation.

Dear daughter/ ds is dear son dh/dese husband dsil/ dear son in law etc

Eww wearing shoes In a house is yeuk! I wouldnt dream of wearing my shoes in someone’s house unless it was a very hot dry summer and I taught my kids to always take their shoes off. It’s basic good manners.

I don’t go along with grubby ness being a happy home.

My sil was a very grubby person and her house was dusty and dirty and unpleasant. Her girls as they got older were embarrassed and cleaned up themselves but as crawling babies they were filthy and had constant tummy upsets.

Perhaps you could buy her a dishwasher for Christmas - having one installed certainly tidied up my kitchen and all cutlery, crockery and utensils are washed every day.

When my youngest DD was a single parent she too struggled.she has health problems too. I used to pop over before I went to work help with breakfast and a quick tidy, after work I used to go round and tidy, cook and clean while she bathed DGS she didn’t ask me to do this but I noticed the state things were getting into and decided to quietly help eventually it got too much for me with working full time and running two houses! So they came to live with me until she moved out with her new partner a few years ago. She is now managing much better because they both pitch in! It is very hard keeping house, working and looking after children but if I had to choose for my DD to excel at either house work or child rearing I know which one I would opt for.

I get what people are saying about some dirt being good for you, & SS being stretched...but how bad is the dirt? How untidy is the home? Is it so untidy it is unsafe?
When my DD first had kids (at a very young sge) she was rubbish at keeping the house clean & safe for them. I tried my best....showed her, helped her...nagged at the finish...but it fell on deaf ears. It got to the stage where I did contact SS. They arranged a few visits, but always by appointment.....so she tidied before they arrived. I eventually persuaded them to arrive unannounced.....They said the house was terrible. She had to go on a parenting course, and have some counselling as she was depressed. When SS paid a further visit we thought the house was looking great, but they still said the stacks of toys in the corner were tripping hazzards.
If you think your GD is not safe then I would report it. Yes, it didn't do much for my relationship with DD at the time, but she was an adult by then, my Grandsons were babies....safeguarding them was most important. My daughter is a great mum now & we get on well.
Hope everything works out well for your DD & DGD.

Don't worry just leave well alone. My 5 very health gc grew up in similar conditions. They were all much loved and looked after but oh the mess and filth. My dil was brought up in similar conditions and so it carried on. At one time there of the children were sat on the dirty kitchen floor eating their dinners. There would be a black sack of rubbish in the kitchen that contained dirty nappies., dirty dishes that never seemed to get washed on so on. Yet the children were rarely ill or sick.

Mumofmadboys - Agnurse simply said IF there was a serious problem that's what Soc Servs are for. I think it's clear to everybody that this is not one of those. The OP has not signalled any intention of going so far, she just wants to see what we all think about it.

The smoking probably not a good idea but I must add that I smoked like the proverbial all during my first pregnancy and my son is now 50 and has never had a day's illness in his life.

why some working mothers can't/don't keep a clean home.
Perhaps fathers could play a role too and do at least some of the chores?
DS does, as did DH

I think it is absolutely reasonable to be concerned that the house is filthy and that the girl's clothes stink - yes, it will most definitely lead to bullying at school.

Many many children, including me, were passive smokers in "the old days". We lived with my granddad until I was four and he was a chain smoker, and he visited us regularly thereafter. We know now that it is not advisable but, aside from the usual fairly minor childhood illnesses, I was a healthy child and so were my friends, most if whose parents and/or grandparents also smoked.

However, the vast majority of us had clean, dry clothes to wear and decent food to eat in clean surroundings. Being obsessive about cleanliness is obviously unhealthy but a filthy house is, in my view, unacceptable.

Having said all that, I'm not sure what you should do. You don't want to alienate your daughter and her partner in case they cease contact with you and stop you seeing your granddaughter. As your granddaughter grows older if you have maintained a good relationship with her and her parents you will hopefully be able to have her to stay and be there for her if she needs you.

As others have said, would your daughter welcome some help with household jobs?

Jalima1108
Yes, I agree I should have included both mum and dad

There's a lot to be said for a homely atmosphere where children and of course the adults are happy and relaxed. Does it matter if it's untidy so long as it's within safety guidelines ?
There's nothing worse than going into somewhere where you're sitting on the edge of the chair------now that's harmful to your health and no good for a child's psyche ! You're frightened to sneeze. Usually the occupants aren't so nice either.

What I am fussy about is food, its preparation and the cooking of it. I rarely eat out and if I should have a coffee I drink it holding the cup in my left hand ( I'm right-handed ) as most are right-handed, if you get my drift.

The situation is worrying and I suggest that your granddaughter is suffering from depression, perhaps because of her relationship with the father of her child. I was brought up in poor living conditions because my mother was disabled; my school clothes were often dirty and this definitely resulted in bullying and sidelining. I don't know what you can do except do some cleaning up when you visit, which I do as my daughter's bathroom is always grubby ( her husband is supposed to be responsible for cleaning it but doesn't seem to notice the filth - even though he's a compulsive hand washer!). My thoughts are with you.