worried about GD

Could you offer in a friendly way to give a hand maybe once a week. Sometimes a helping hand offered in a way that does not come across as interfering may well be appreciated. Some people by their nature are more messy and mucky than others. I would be quite worried by the slime in the cup, and the black mould, these are both health risks. One way to keep these cups clean and safe quite easily is to buy some good old fashioned Milton solution, used for sterilising babies bottles. It is available in liquid form or tablet. You don't need to buy a special sterilising unit, just a suitably big enough plastic container with a lid and its straightforward and easy to use. Obviously this has to be done regularly and kept out of the baby"s reach.
A solution of white vinegar and water in a spray will help with the black mold. It actually stops it multiplying if used regularly. Condensation is often the reason for it, and not opening windows enough. I would be concerned in your shoes, but your daughter may also be depressed as well, and this could be contributing to her lack of motivation. Hopefully she will accept a little help from you and get back on track.

I think you have to pick the topics carefully. Pick the one most serious risk you can spot, and focus on that. If you can get that sorted out, after a while go for the next most serious. Don't let it start sounding like generic all-encompassing criticism of their lifestyle as that's when you could find estrangements resulting.

Put your gloves and apron on and offer to clean. I often clean my one dils/sils place as they both work full time and have a toddler. I offered in the first place and was gratefully accepted. It make me feel I am supporting and helping them.

Stop nagging and start helping that’s my advice.

Those drinking vessels with inbuilt straws are a harbour for germs unless they are really scrubbed and run through with boiling water.

However, you don't say that your DGD is constantly ill or chesty, so perhaps she's developing a robust immune system.

The inside of one of my DD's fridge is unspeakable - I say and do nowt!
sorting out the fridge is usually my first job when I go to stay with DD - but only because she asks me to do it! I wouldn't do it otherwise.
I know how busy they are.

I agree that a few germs do no harm, but OP is not talking about a few germs, but health hazards such as black mould and green slime in the child's feeding vessels!

Dear OP you have mentioned it to your daughter and her husband, and they are not prepared to listen.

A fight between you will do only harm and might well end with your not being welcome in their home, or welcome to have your granddaughter in yours.

If you cannot get your daughter to accept your help cleaning her home then either you have to ignore her mess and hope and pray that your granddaughter is strong enough to survive in an insanitary home, (lots of children always have) or report the conditions to a health visitor or the like. That will lead to a full-blown family quarrel unless you can report it anonymously.

You and others reading this may feel my suggestion is outrageous, but actually, we do have a duty of care to children who are too young to protest themselves and who are living in insalubrious conditions.

petra there's only one person advocated SS, agnurse as usual. ?

Dont use too much conditioner.
apparently conditioner causes mould - according to my plumber. Clothes conditioners cause mould in the washing machine and pipes and hair conditioner causes mould in the shower.
Since I stopped using it I have noticed a difference.

This may be partly a housing problem as well as the other concerns. If there is black mould it’s a health issue - Is this a rented property? Is it in good repair?
It’s profoundly depressing living in poor housing and makes simple things (like keeping children clean, drying clothes etc) stressful.
I’m not saying that housing will stop someone washing out a beaker and not smoking in the house but wondered if your daughter’s home is dry and warm?
Also, like another gransnetter - what’s going on with the dishwasher?

I don't know what planet some of you are on RE calling social services.
Are you totally unaware of the pressures these SW are working under and the serious cases they have to decide whether to investigate/ or not on a day to day bases.

The inside of one of my DD's fridge is unspeakable - I say and do nowt!

Unless the child is at serious risk - the sort of risk that would make SSD intervene in an active way - then best to stay out of it. People have different standards and you may just have to accept this.

I was a SW and remember one little boy I used to visit. When he was about 2, I went into their filthy flat and he was eating a fried egg directly out of the (by then cold) frying pan swimming in grease. Did we take this boy away from his parents? - no - he was healthy and happy and very much loved in a rather happy-go-lucky fashion. He had an egg to eat - far more than some of our clientele got.

Smoke exposure is far from ideal - but no child is received into care for that alone.

I would stay on the sidelines and just give help when asked.

There are lots of things my DC do with the DGC that I would do differently, but it is not my call.

I would try to do things subtly. If you are in their house then getting the child a drink would give you an opportunity to scrub her bottle and maybe her plates. Do wash her things but dont say anything to her ma. Dont use too much conditioner. Ive tried all these tricks in the past

There's nothing to worry about as long as the child is happy.

Perhaps rather than saying anything I'd be more inclined to go around and spend time cleaning it all. You're daughter is an adult and mum, and I think she needs to understand that it's not about her anymore, yes there is untidy, and some times dirty, but it seems to be a pattern with your daughter, and really passive smoking isn't on. If it were me and my 2 year old grand daughter I'd probably get in there, muck in, sort the drains , and consistency but gently keep going.

ps newnanny I have just realised that the little girl is only 20 months so not at school yet.

If the child goes to school smelling of smoke with unclean clothing she is at risk of being bullied.
I agree about the smoking *newnanny, particularly because of the passive smoking.
And the slimy drinking cup.
Whilst I do think that trying to make everywhere ultra-hygienic and bacteria free is not a good thing as we need to build up a resistance, certain standards need to be met regarding food, drinks, clean bedding and clothing.

I hope you can help in a way that will not antagonise your DD, Otter.

I think we put to much emphasis on cleanliness. If your GD and the baby are well, just be there for them if they need you.

‘point of veiw’

My daughter is totally untidy and disorganised ....and slightly less clean home than I would wish her to have...But....my grandchildren are always clean and tidy going to school ( if (un-ironed)...doesn’t believe in it! I go over 2/3 times a week to get kids breakfast and take them to school and always have a whiz round with a cleaning cloth...wash kitchen floor... shove in a load of laundry... and get in milk and bread which they neither of them seem able to get their heads around. I actual enjoy a bit of extra-curricula housework as it’s always appreciated ( unlike my OH who thinks that’s what I’m on planet for)...and if it helps them then I’m happy to do it. It makes me feel needed ...helps them out and as they both leave house at 7.15 and rarely get home before 5.30...they spend loads of time with their dishevelled kids at weekend and the house can ‘go to the dogs’. And do you know what?! .... I’m beginning to see their point of grow. I’m too old to change my hygienic ways...but I can understand the ‘mindset’.

Hmm... I get your horror at the standards, but honestly if you start criticizing, ringing social services etc, you could find yourself with no family at all! My son & partner live in a shocking mess. Crisp packets over floor, empty cans on mantlepiece, you can't even get thru the hall with the junk. My 4 yr old granddaughter even told me once that "we shold buy a new house" and when asked why, said "ours is a bit messy"! BUT she's doing incredibly well at school, is happy and while there's lots of stuff I baulk at (the McDonalds! The big screen TV on constantly! The MESS!) I just stay quiet on subject. How would it benefit any of us if we all fell out & never saw each other? Does it MATTER really?

I try to tackle things a bit differently. My eldest is a loving wonderful bloke, but oh, the hygeine and mess! I never ever understood it, and for the life of me never knew where he got his slap dash attitude from, but me and him fighting or arguing about it was going nowhere, so one night, we sat down, he was in a great mood ( you pick your times!) and I said

'You know what, I have no right to interfere in how you life, as long as you are happy, and healthy its all I have ever cared about, and you have given me the worlds most gorgeous grandchildren to spoil and love, and if I seem over-protective about the cleanliness, its only because while some germs are great for you, too many can make you sick, and I just love you all so darned much I don't want any of you ill, so if you think I'm nagging or interfering, I will hush my gums, but just know its because I want you happy, otherwise, I wouldn't bother with nagging would I!

Yes it sounds cheesy, but I meant it, and almost overnight his attitude changed, because I wasn't going on and on about it, I had had my say, and the rest was down to him. If they know its coming from a good place, and they know you are saying things because you love them, and leave it at that, you might see a difference?? xxx

well I am going to against the grain and say that if my grandchild was subjected to this home life I would be unhappy about it too. If the child goes to school smelling of smoke with unclean clothing she is at risk of being bullied. I think in your shoes I would offer either to go in once a week and help your dd with cleaning her home or offer to to pay for a cleaner to come once a week to clean dgd bedroom and kitchen. It can be done with empathy e.g Oh I can remember when you were little and how hard it was to keep house clean with a small child, let me help you out. I would be keeping an eye on the situation and if it were to deteriorate further may consider calling in health visitor to advice your dd on hygiene. Neglect is subjective but not keeping dishes child has to use to eat and drink from clean is a clear example of neglect.

Rejoice! exposure to bacteria and viruses reduce the chance of allergies asthma later in life. Your DGD sounds healthy& happy. If there are changes only then should you make any suggestions.

Enjoy her company and see how things turn out.

I understand your feelings Otter I am someone who likes everything clean and cared for.
It's hard when you see things you know are not as clean as they might be especially around children. I have to bite my tongue when I visit one daughter as cleaning is definitely not high on the priority list for her or her partner. However they are always the ones who help out family members when there are problems and generally put themselves out to help others. I wouldn't change that for the world.
Help where you can and let them be.