My Grandson is scared of me!

Edithb

Izabella, I couldn't agree more.

Edith b .
Im in the same boat.
I have 2 sons no daughters.
When they married the dils were all over us , and we paid for my eldest ds wedding.
A couple of months after she begins to cut us out .
Making false accusations .
Shes only interested in her own family .
She controls my eldest ds and he hasnt visited us for 10 years .
Despite doing nothing to them that i can think of they dont have anything to fo with us and we soend every xnas on pur own without both sons.
My youngest ds is 30 .
Hes with his partner fir the last 2 years and theyre no kids yet.
But he has become the same as my elder ds and we never see him.
The oldest ds and her are quite happy for us to mind the 3 grandkids twice a week.
But we have to collect them and bring them home .
Whilst im delighted to see my grandchildre all boys .
Im saddened that my own 2 sons are no longer in my life .
They go along with the wives wishes for sn easier life .This is the trend with this new selfish generation .We just have to suck it uo even though weve done nothing to derserve it.
Many many couples with sons are finding it the same .

4allweknow

Is there any way he could be in the company of his cousins with you there?

How I wish this was possible but they have been pretty much cut out too. My daughter was really looking forward to being an Aunty and her girls, especially the younger one, really wanted to be cousins but due to my daughters work as a mental health support worker she works nearly every weekend, split shifts and not enough time to travel the 90mins to her brother's house and 90mins back and as I've said Son or DIL seems to have the attitude that we should visit them. DIL drives and has own car but will not come over on her own or make an effort to visit. One time when my daughter and family did visit following an invitation to do so when GS was about a month old, DIL's family turned up not long after and daughter and family including my GD's were ignored. Not even offered a drink let alone a bite to eat yet DIL's family were catered for. My daughter was fuming, just so very rude but hey ho. Daughter has invited them over numerous times in the early days but to no avail. DIL is a very different person to my daughter, they are civil but never going to be buddies yet DIL could learn so much from her as she was a senior NNEB nursery nurse for over 18 years. Daughter would never foist advice onto people but would happily give a personal and professional opinion if asked.

Hm99

Maybe sit on the sofa away from him with an interesting toy, or an iPad with his favourite cartoon on or chocolate

Chocolate? oh no no no he's not allowed chocolate or sweet things. And iPad cartoons are again a no no as his screen time of any description is strictly limited and happens at a set time which is usually for 30 mins in the morning after breakfast.

When my DGS was a baby he didn't like me at all, he screamed every time I went near him. He used to tell my DH he loved him but he didn't love me. This went on for years and I just let it go. He is now 14 and we are the best of friends. I think you just have to be patient.

Whilst I think it is very important you hang on in there to be part of DGS life I feel you have been doing a bit to much. I can understand for example staying in a hotel if you were seeing them twice a year but not on a regular basis. Maybe you should explain to your son some of what you have explained to us [your DH and the driving] and ask him to bring his family over to you on a more regular basis, or next time you are with them ask your DIL if a visit could go in the diary, nothing ventured.... It doesn't surprise me that your 20 month old prefers Grandad at present its a pack thing and a jolly Grandad is often preferred by small males.

Another passing thought - could you arrange to meet half way, perhaps at an equidistant attraction (your treat) or child friendly cafe? Would mean only 45 minutes driving each.

It seems your DS and DIL, both professionals, found the shock of late parenting a bit overwhelming. GS being so poorly couldn't have helped their anxiety. Now they’ve gone to the extreme of over parenting to compensate.

The main point I picked up in your posts was that although you received some brilliant distraction techniques from other GN’s you went on to say you aren’t allowed to do any of those things. No toys, sweets, etc. So it does seem that they felt overwhelmed, little one got sick, they didn’t know what to do, you stepped in, now they've become overprotective.

None of it your fault of course. You’ve got a great relationship with your other GC so we can rule out that you swoop in on a broom in a black cloak with a wart on the end of your nose, so why does he cry when he sees you?

It could be that he’s being over protected but then why does he go to his GF.

Perhaps you are so relaxed with your other GC that you turn up all excited/intense and overwhelm him (so all of the great advice on here about ignoring him but sparking his curiosity is a great idea).

Or, another possibility, that happened to me, is that he actually misses you as he trusts you because you were there when he was poorly and his only way of communicating is to show you he’s cross with you.

One of my GC lived with me as a baby. I won’t bore you with the in’s and out’s as this isn’t about me, but she punished me after a period of my not being around by completely snubbing me. I was really shocked as we were so close and she would come to me above anyone if she fell down. So to act as though I wasn't in the room was baffling. We are fine now. It took her a little while to realise I was still there for her and I didn't push it.

So don’t reduce your visits but don’t overcompensate yourself and take the good suggestions about distraction techniques in the meantime. I’m sure, as you have a good relationship with your other GC it will all sort itself out.

That's the problem with daughters in law

luluaugust We used to drive up there and drive back same day but GS now has his nap scheduled from 10am till 1pm. So realistically we would have to leave home at 7am if we want to have time with him before his nap. It's a busy commuter route early morning so takes longer. Hubby is 67 and his eyes and also mine are not the best at night anymore. It's a rural area most of the way and we really dislike driving the country roads and lanes in the dark so unless we stay over somewhere we'd have to leave no later than 2.30pm to get home before dark. So choice is either have just an hour or so there or stay over nearby. DIL's parents stay over at the house but a) we don't want to impose and b) since we are no longer needed for 'night shifts' to give them a rest, Son and DIL have not offered to let us stay there. We have a motorhome and in the summer we will pitch up for the night at a local campsite about 10 mins drive away. Have asked Son if they can come over to us for a change but he says no as he has to work and tbh as he is the sole breadwinner I understand. DIL has been invited many times but always doing something else, seeing friends, going to her parents etc.

Both of mine used to do this with my ma in law who lived in a different country, so they rarely saw her. But as they got older, they came to love and cherish her. She was very patient. Don’t worry OP, it will change. Enjoy going to see your son and keep atmosphere light and loving. Esp with your daughter in law! Good luck.

I don't think the parents are being overprotective by putting limits on treats, screen time, and toys. That's called good parenting. It's now recommended that very young children should not have ANY screen time. Controlling treats is part of teaching healthy eating. As far as toys, I understand that too. There's only so much room in the house. Not to mention, GS is reaching an age where he actually doesn't need very many toys - he's getting closer to preschool age, where children's imaginations are so vivid that they can "play pretend" without actually needing much.

Are you able to speak to your son in confidence and discuss any issues with him ? I agree with ignoring the child for a while and let him come to you when/if ... however, surely the parents should be doing more to bridge the gap so that the child doesn’t get so upset, whatever the reason behind it.

They sound very responsible parents and is mid 30's really that old!!!!

Ignore him. He will eventually want your attention.

The OPs son can’t visit because he works. The OP wants her DIL to do a three hour round trip (if the traffics good, more if not) with a almost two year old -unaccompanied, so she has to drive through traffic and see to his needs. And the OP complains that her DIL doesn’t want to do that

Sorry, this isn’t about a grandparent unhappy that her grandson doesn’t like her. This is a parent unhappy with her sons choice of wife.

Armoria it all sounds exhausting take care

I quite agree with Eglantine. As tough as the visits are for you and DH to make they would be quite a bit tougher on DIL and GS. His reactions are a phase. One all 3 of my kids went through. My DD would scream bloody murder when she saw my mothers car pull into the driveway. They are best buddies now. It took time and development and a thick skin but everyone survived. It seems as though you think dIL shouldn’t have comforted her crying child and that’s somehow to blame for him having a completely developmentally normal phase of preferences towards caregivers/kin? It is absolutely not her fault, nor something she can control. Please take some deep breaths and remind yourself it’s not personal.

Do you skype or FaceTime with him when you can’t visits? Send him little notes and cards in the mail? Send pictures when you can’t see him? All of those things are a lovely low pressure way to remind him of your affection for him between visits.

Try not to compare your son and DIL’s family dynamic with your daughter’s and your relationship with your daughter’s children with your son’s child. Expectations can be unrealistic sometimes and I have found the best approach with DILs is not to have any, be guided by their ground rules and tread very carefully. I have had three over 30 years. It is an upsetting situation but your son and DIL are probably upset by it too.

I concur with others that it is a phase that will pass. When our first son was born he used to cry as soon as he saw my MIL and it was very upsetting for us all. When he was very small she was passed him for a cuddle and unfortunately scratched his face with her watch which could have caused his future behaviour. She also used to say he was frightened of her hair which was dyed black and her loud voice which was a result of her mother being deaf. It could have been all these things or it could have been none of them but it did pass and my son eventually had a very loving relationship with her.

I often think of things my mother used to say and one of her sayings was, “Everything passes”.

Jane43
As you say 'Everything passes' - I was about post that OP's DGS won't be having 3 hour daily naps for ever!

Eglantine21

Sorry, this isn’t about a grandparent unhappy that her grandson doesn’t like her. This is a parent unhappy with her sons choice of wife

ABSOLUTELY NOT! She is the very best choice my Son could have made in many ways and they both fit each other very well.

I am NOT expecting her to do a 3 hour round trip every single time or even on a regular basis but one visit once in a while would be nice especially as she drives to her parents house pretty much every other month or sooner to stay with them for a week and she actually has to almost pass ours to get to theirs!

When my children were little we took them to see both sets of Grandparents and would not have dreamed of expecting them to visit us all the time or making them feel guilty if they didn't . My parents in law lived well over an hour away so every other Sunday we would go over for the afternoon and although my parents lived closer we still made the effort to visit them too. Yes I understand times are different but I really don't think a visit to us once in a while is asking or expecting too much.

Sorry to disagree with you but while I do have an issue with the onus to visit being on us all the time, my post IS all about the fact that my GS for well over a year now seems to hate the sight of me and I am finding it more and more upsetting and was reaching out to other Grans to seek opinions and advice.

my first gc a girl is very close to me, sleeping over a couple of nights a week from 4 weeks old (mum in another room) but her brother has been kept a baby by my DD so at the age of 4 its only now that he wants to spend time with us,And i have just let him get on with it, if you love him just let him be xx

As everyone else has said, this too will pass. I have one GD who as a toddler would scream when I came in the room. That stopped, but then when they were staying with us, she walked in the bedroom and my husband had no shirt on. She took an instant dislike to his grey hairy chest and announced for about 9 months that she didn't like him, he was devastated! She is now an absolute delight at 7, and writes us letters telling us how much she loves and misses us.
Our youngest GD is a manipulative young lady. Now nearly six, she clings to her mother and sobs if we babysit, despite us seeing her every week. The sobs switch off in seconds the minute the door closes on her parents. She will not go anywhere near any of our other children, especially the boys, will make great detours not to go anywhere near them. We just ignore it.

Or course it hurts a lot when he does this, you poor soul, but in no time he will be at school, and he will change. They grow up so fast, you blink and they are teenagers, and see grandparents then as a bit boring, with no idea what life is all about!