Jealous of other “grandparents “

The couple are obviously a link to her parents which is why she is clinging to them.

Grampie the couple you speak of travelled to China and tried to get both grandchildren. It certainly isn’t about jealousy. Their ex DIL murdered their son and is in prison in China. The maternal grandparents live in a shack and they are illiterate with very little money. What grandparents wiuldn’t do the same. They had to remortgage their home and have spent over £100,000 trying to get their grandchildren. I find your comment heartless and ill informed. It’s nothing to do with jealousy.

As for the OP’s post i don’t think you should feel jealous but as others have said, we can’t control all out emotional responses to things. Just try and see it through rational eyes. I’m sure the other grandmother is no threat to you.

How wonderful that mabon , agnurse et al have never been prey to any of the not so pleasant emotions such as jealousy that plague the rest of us. I think the poster was very brave and honest. If people are going to keep jumping on those wishing for some help and advice , well, gransnet will will not be the ‘go to ‘ place it used to be.

Grampie
There may have been a tinge of jealousy and I too was shocked to read that article. Goodness knows how it will affect both children and they and only they are the central characters in that story.
I read, as you must have done, that the other GPs are not poor, although by Western standards they seem so but I think that the British GPs were concerned that their son, the children's father, would be airbrushed out of their lives.
We cannot control the attitudes of people who don't follow our particular lifestyles but I too would be concerned about the stories they would be fed (both parents working away etc) now and in the future.
China is known for it's bias toward males so it's no surprise that they kept the boy. I wonder what the future holds for the siblings, especially as the UK GPs seem hell bent on getting the boy back...even crowd funding for it.

Jealousy is actually a misdirected sense of injustice. Someone else is enjoying something you own or want. The individual in question is a stranger or someone you don't really like. The coveted thing/experience is therefore undeserved and having it for even one minute is 'unjust'.

If you analyze where these negative feelings are coming from so you can understand them. You probably aren't jealous of the people you love. You want only the best for them and you likely rejoice over their good fortunes. That is how most people feel when they love someone because people you love 'deserve' to be happy.

Focus on the fact that these people love your GS and that's why they want to spend time with him. You do have something in common with them .....they all love your GS and that means they are good people. Be happy for them.

Patzee
People only do what they want and, if your DiL favours her relationship with you over the one your friend seems to be trying to cultivate with her, then it won't come to anything.
Perhaps it's time to ask yourself, 'What is she getting out of the other relationship that is missing in hers with me which allows this to happen?'
Does your friend have children, a daughter?
Ask her outright why she's 'dropped' you but make no mention of your DiL, otherwise she may go on the defensive.
I realise that it must be painful but do keep up the relationships with both as much as possible. After all, your DiL can make as many friends as she wants and that can only be a good thing.
I hope it turns out well for all of you.

I just don't see the problem you were lucky that you had time with them over Christmas and now you are feeling jealous that they are spending time with someone else? Yes I am afraid you are being unreasonable. Sorry

I admire the poster's honesty and hope for a happier outcome and feelings to change soon.

"mabon1 - that is harsh; sometimes we cannot help our feelings - we do not plan to have them, they just drop in on us.

I am sure that Emm14 is not proud of how she feels, and needs help to move forward from this."

Well said Luckygirl. A number of posters seem to be ignoring both the OPs honesty and her admitting that she hates feeling like this. She needs understanding and advice as to how to move on, as she asks for, NOT a telling off!! Dear me!!¬

OP lots of good advice on here as well though

Hi Emm14. Yes I agree with you that it's hard when you love your DIL but don't really get on with her surrogate parents. We're in exactly the same situation. I just try really hard to be very friendly when we meet and we keep any feelings to ourselves. Unfortunately they have said that they have issues with us, strangely exactly the same ones we have with them . but I keep any comments to myself! I remind myself that we don't have to be friends and we don't see them often. They are kind to DGC so I suppose that's all that counts.

Emm14 My immediate reaction is to say do not berate yourself too harshly. We are human and although we grow up trying to be ultra rational and reasonable and well-mannered, we are unable to stop our feelings about our loved ones on this level. I know you realise there is nothing you can do about the other people, so try and accept that your feelings are only natural and you are not a bad person. A bad person is one who acts on their jealousy. You probably do have some rational feelings about these other people and know they are not ideal for your DGC but in the circumstances you just have to let go. The children probably don't really notice much anyway when they see them. Your DIL has lost her own mother, and no doubt this is hard for her at Christmas. Let her do what she feels comfortable with, because these people probably make her feel easier about the loss of her mother. But do not be too hard on yourself, because jealous feelings are quite natural and we do not invite them. Just try and understand how it is for your DIL as she does not have anyone in her corner, because she will always see you as her husband's family. Gradually she may come to feel you are her family too. I wish you all a peaceful and Happy New Year!

I always think it’s a blessing to have lots of loving adults in a child’s life. Try to focus on the times you have together & continue to make them special, saviour the times you are with them don’t dwell on the times you are not.

Em14 Would your feelings have been the same were your DIL's own mother alive? Don't children need both paternal and maternal grandparents and DIL HAS lost her own mother. How obvious is it you don't like each other ?has the other person said anything? Get a grip before your feelings surface and you lose what you have.

Appreciate how you feel. You have to put the feelings of the grandchildren first, though.

I have two grandsons my oldest parents went through divorce when he was really young so I have been there 90% of the time. His other grand parent worked full time and spent time with him when she could. I never felt jealous though her and I have a good relationship.
My second grand child is 4 and I can count on one hand how many times he has stayed over night with us. He sees his other grand parent every other day if not every day. I have asked to take him places and get shut down. It’s just the differences in the Mother’s. I wouldn’t say I’m jealous of the other grandparents, but I am jealous of the time they get to spend with him when I don’t get to.

I am a nana and a grandma,but my youngest child is only 15,and we were 'made to' visit his father & paternal grandparents by court at divorce- its not something id reccomend- we began 10 yrs ago and my son still dislikes this even though its only a few times a year as they dont live near us,its become slightly easier as were all civil to each other,but im constantly aware(and so is my son)that they want 'more' of him than hes willing to give(he has issues with hugging/kisses etc)and we have other family members to see too(my older kids and my own grandchildren)and i feel they resent that as they want him to be with them longer,but of course he wants to see his older siblings too,and his own nephews&nieces some of whom are a similar age to him.theres such a thing as driving away your own grandchild by being too clingy,and i see it in my own son,i doubt he'l want to go visit voluntarily when hes older?

Emma14...your only human, be kind to yourself and read some of the more positive advice others give.
Brave posting about a frailty as some posters comments have a troubling personal agenda.

Living interstate from 2 of my GC, the other Gran used to have much more to do with them especially when they were babies. I accepted it for what it was but now that the children are older I get as much love and attention from them as I could wish for.

Mabon1, Your post is not in the spirit of Gransnet. Do you take pleasure in hurting someone's feelings? Do you feel superior to the person you are criticising? If so, have a word with yourself, or read what the Bible says about the way we should deal with others.

I ask so touched and grateful for all your comments, advice and sympathy. What beautiful and wise grandparents you are! I truly do feel better after reading your responses and am so glad I posted. Thank you so much

Am

On form eh Mabon!! With your usual comment of get over it , not very helpful to the OP who was honest enough about her feelings, She came on for advice not sarcasm from you,

Never been jealous of other GPs, I live 45 minutes from GC whereas the others live about five hours away.
I actually feel sorry that they miss out on so many events like school plays.
When the other GPs visit we absent ourselves and let them enjoy the GC. They enjoy different things to us and add a different outlook to the GC.

Please, please just try to form your own relationship with
your grandchildren and not worry about what others are
doing. Relationships are built over many years, not a few
months, and things change all the time. When my first
grandchildren were born I was still working and so couldn't spend much time with them whereas the other grandparents were retired. But my husband and I still have a great bond with the grandchildren and are able to do far more with them than the others who are slightly older and tend to be worries. The grandkids love us all
the same but differently!!

worriers!!