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Family problems..

(46 Posts)
Wotsitallabout75 Tue 01-Jan-19 20:34:16

My daughter is a 48 yr old single mum with 2 unpleasant failed relationships. She has 3 children . . 2 girls and a 21 year old son. The girls are ok .but the son is in a cannabis generated downward spiral. He had driving lessons but 2 instructors gave up on him as he argued too much. He has not pursued driving tho he passed his provisional test at the 5th attempt. He was asked to leave the list for the doctors practice as he repeatedly failed to turn up to appointments. He has not worked since leaving college at 18 where he did complete a sound engineering course....he was planning to take this to a higher level but has procrastinated for 2 academic years . As a consequence his life has no direction ..any job he does get lasts less than a week as his timekeeping is poor. There is no father around and the only wise male in his life is too old to be effective despite loving his grandson deeply. This young man has gradually alienated himself from his friends who have all matured and knuckled down to working etc . He spends all day in his room smoking weed and mixing music . When he interacts with his mother and sisters he is either pleasant or horribly aggressive brandishing the c word to his oldest sister and talking cannabis induced rubbish. He does not accept that he has a problem!

tanith Tue 01-Jan-19 21:46:34

My daughter had a similar scenario with her son, long story short she told him to leave eventually it was very hard but after a traumatic few months he got a job with live in accommodation and he is now training to be a chef and earning. He recently told his Mum that kicking him out was the best thing she’d done making him stand on his own two feet.
I know it sounds harsh but when you are at the end of your tether.

M0nica Tue 01-Jan-19 21:50:57

Tough love is called for. He should be told that his mother can no longer afford to support him, so he must go out and get a job and pay her £50 a week for his keep or he must move out.

If necessary once he is out she should change the locks. He will either sink or swim. I think that after a short period of thrashing around in the water he will learn how to swim.

Tanith has a wise and strong daughter, because she has a wise and strong mother. Wotsitallabout you must support your daughter when she behaves in a similar manner.

agnurse Tue 01-Jan-19 22:10:15

He's an adult. The most your daughter can do is kick him out.

Unfortunately, unless he's ready and willing to do so, there's no real way to get him treatment for substance use. You and your daughter may find it helpful to attend Nar-Anon. This is an organization based on AA. It's for people who have a loved one with a substance abuse problem.

mumofmadboys Tue 01-Jan-19 22:39:45

Is his Dad involved at all? What does your GS want to do? Does he want to change things? He may be suffering from depression. Lads take longer to mature than girls. Is he signing on? If so the job centre should be ensuring he is applying for jobs. If your DD is funding him she needs to gradually withdraw it over a few weeks.He is vulnerable so if there is a way of helping him get work and live at home it may be better. Your DD could get advice from the local drug and alcohol team .Nar -Anon is really for people with problems with narcotics rather than cannabis. Cannabis does not cause a physical dependency but a psychological one so if he stopped it abruptly he would come to no harm. All you can do is support your DD and show your GS you love him. He will need long term support. There isn't a quick fix. Wishing you all the best

mcem Tue 01-Jan-19 22:48:09

Smoking cannabis around two younger kids is totally unacceptable and I 'm not surprised that he's taking advantage if she allows that. Tough love needed- for his own sake as well as the youngsters. She's doing no-one any favours!

LiveLaughLaove Wed 02-Jan-19 01:22:00

You daughter needs to have one last sit down talk with him that ends with a 30 day notice - his move out date. This verbal notice needs to be followed up in writing. Following the 30 day period, she then needs to literally kick him out if he's failed to move out. Enabling his behavior will NOT prompt any positive changes.

sodapop Wed 02-Jan-19 08:50:44

I agree with the last two posters, your daughter needs to think about her other children as well. Enabling her son's behaviour is not helping, tough love again.

Telly Wed 02-Jan-19 09:51:02

I totally agree with other posters. I would ask where he gets his money from for drugs, clothes etc.? He needs to start paying his own way, time this free ride stopped.

mumofmadboys Wed 02-Jan-19 13:09:03

Please give us an update in the months ahead whatsitallabout. I sincerely hope things improve.

megan123 Wed 02-Jan-19 13:36:21

Heartbreaking to hear. There is help out there, but difficult to access if the person concerned will not co-operate. Something has to be done for the sake of her other children. If it was me I would approach one of these organisations myself and ask for some guidance for your daughter. I hope things improve for you all.

holdingontometeeth Wed 02-Jan-19 14:05:46

^ cannabis induced rubbish^
What's your excuse?

megan123 Wed 02-Jan-19 14:07:53

Are you talking to me? I sincerely hope not.

holdingontometeeth Wed 02-Jan-19 14:45:35

megan123, have you got a persecution complex?
The first lines of my post should have been in itallics, but whether it was or not I still fail to see how you could think it was aimed at you.
Perhaps you would be kind enough to explain how you came to your conclusion.

phoenix Wed 02-Jan-19 14:55:38

Oh, here we go again! hmm

FarNorth Wed 02-Jan-19 15:03:20

talking cannabis induced rubbish.

It may not be just cannabis, or it may be cannabis that has other substances included e.g. stuff that is, or used to be, 'legal highs'.

If your daughter is supporting him financially she needs to withdraw that.
Then he needs to be told to leave and take responsibility for himself.

FarNorth Wed 02-Jan-19 15:04:49

HOMT, your post was immediately after Megan's, hence her comment.
Who were you addressing and why?

mumofmadboys Wed 02-Jan-19 19:17:11

HOTMT the OP is asking for help for a serious situation. Why the heck are you mocking her phraseology??

holdingontometeeth Thu 03-Jan-19 13:04:41

I have no need to mock.
I am impressed that the Provisional Driving Test was passed at the 5th attempt.
Can one of you more enlightened ones advise me how I can sit the Provisional Driving Test. It seems really hard.

GrannyGravy13 Thu 03-Jan-19 13:34:26

I should imagine that the OP meant theory test.

Better to say nothing HOTMT then be “snippy” ?

EllanVannin Thu 03-Jan-19 13:39:29

It sounds to me as though the lad has got depression and for everyone's sanity I'd have a word with his GP sooner rather than later. Some lads are willing to be helped once given that first step of meeting the GP on a 1 to 1. Unless something is done as a matter of urgency then his mental health will deteriorate as cannabis ( much stronger than it used to be ) will alter his brain irreversibly.

If by any chance he gets ousted out of his home does he have anywhere else to go ?

holdingontometeeth Fri 04-Jan-19 13:47:47

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

MaggieTulliver Fri 04-Jan-19 13:57:40

OP, I suggest you ignore the prevouis poster who obviously needs to get a life. What a really difficult situation for your DD. Ellan the GP won't talk to the mum without the patient's consent as he's over 16, he needs to approach the GP himself. Tough love is indeed called for and your daughter needs to follow up. Did they have a good relationship when he was little?

mumofmadboys Fri 04-Jan-19 14:03:33

His DM can go and talk to the GP. She can tell info to the GP but the GP won't be able to tell her anything back about her son because of confidentiality. Your DD could talk to the GP over the phone. The GP would be able to give general advice

Madgran77 Fri 04-Jan-19 15:29:28

holdingontomyteeth I am unclear why you appear to enjoy deliberately winding up a thread where someone appears to be genuinely asking for help!