Exhausted from child care

I used to work 22 1/2 hours a week over 3 days but lost that job and ended up working 30 hours a week over 5 days - so shorter days but no free days in the week. I used to volunteer on one of those free days and the other enabled me to keep on top of 'stuff' in my life. It's five years now since that change, and though I cope with the extra demands, I don't cope with the 'stuff' at home anymore. My house is in a state and I struggle to keep up to date with paperwork etc. I'm less than 2 years away from retiring and I can't wait!
So never feel guilty about saying no to childcare. I knew I was slowing down towards retirement but was forced to speed up again and it is very hard. There is so much I want to do but don't have the time or the energy for them so I look forward to being able to do them in my retirement. At the moment I don't have GC but if they come along in future I shall be very careful how much help I offer - if any at all.

So sorry to hear of your challenges and hope all can be resolved amicably for you all.

Thank you for sharing this. I know it is a real awakening call for DH and I as we will be having the childcare discussion pretty soon with our DD.

School age children still need to be picked up and taken care of while their parents are at work. My youngest grandchild only started state nursery last summer, when she was 4 and only for 3 hours in the mornings. Ditto for her requiring pick up and taken care of afterwards.

Really, don’t feel guilty at all. It’s your dil who has the problem! Why do you feel guilty? I think because we are fed this rubbish by media etc that as grandparents we are expected to support our children no matter what, so that they can maintain their own lifestyles. It’s simply a trend, and not one that should exist at all. It’s one thing to occasionally baby sit , help out from time to time, as grandparents always have done, it’s quite another to do what you’ve done. Why are their expectations so high? Again, the same reason as above...and also younger people are in danger of living more egocentric lives than previous generations...they need to realise that they aren’t owed this kind of support as they become adults simply so they can have what they want. I notice that it was your son alone who made child care arrangements and I wonder why...and whether your dil has a problem with working anyway. Maybe they could reassess they’re priorities and see if it’s worth her working at all anyway. As for you both-at least you have realised the impact this was having on you and can now sit back after raising your own children, and enjoy life...as I’m sure your son is hoping to do in the later years in his life! Remember it’s not your problem. Support your son as appropriate...and let them get in with it!

Lots of good advice already. Just wanted to add - I think that lots of us just don't have good assertiveness skills (which is different from aggression). Basically, you allowed your resentment to build and build, until you finally snapped. This is why it's caused such a problem because they didn't see it coming and it turned from a situation where you could have eased back and still stayed on good terms with them (maybe that's the real source of your feelings of guilt?) Of course you are entitled to your own life and 80 hours of childcare at your age is RIDICULOUS (even half that would be). Maybe send a letter to your son and DIL saying that you regret having let your resentment build up for so long without saying anything; that, of course, you will offer help in the future, but just on a much smaller scale. It may take time but, hopefully, they will come to see just how much money, time and energy you saved them. Meanwhile - grab your freedom and start enjoying it!

I told my AC exactly what I was prepared to do at the start so it was clear with no resentment on either side. My MIL was the same with me and then everything goes smoothly. Be clear at the beginning and don't get pushed into doing too much as that will end badly. OP you have nothing to feel guilty about but your son and DIL should.

It seems rather demanding of the younger parents that they expect Grandparents to childmind their children. The young parents don't seem to think we have any right to have a life beyond childminding.
My DC are aware that I am ill and have attended hospital appointments with me in the past. They are aware that my problems are incurable but not imminently fatal. They still expected me to childmind and then when I wanted them to come to a hospital appointment with me I was refused. The next day I was told that DGC would be dropped off that afternoon but they could not be bothered to talk to me. I don't childmind now at all.
It seems to me that we must comply with demand or we are persona non grata

I add my " don't feel guilty" to everyone else's . The only mistake you made was not to make an agreement to what you could do and reviewing it regularly
We have grandchildren 14, 10, 6 and 4 years old and I looked after the eldest 1 day a week from the start ,taking on his brother later, my daughter teaches so I did have all holidays "off" .( I was still working 4 days at that time and reduced to 3 days when 2nd daughter had the children which became 3 days in total when I retired )both daughters are very considerate and I have never felt put upon ...in fact although I get tired more.. I have thoroughly enjoyed " borrowing" the grandchildren for 3 days a week. From September 19 when both older boys are in senior school and little one joins older brother in infant school we ( hubby retired too ) will do school runs only 2 days a week and will miss it .! I am sorry that the experience wasn't a good one for you but to anyone else please remember to keep talking so that they know when things are tiring ( my daughters would take days off to give me a break and because they wanted to be with their children)

You should not feel guilty. Children are the responsibility of the parents. Period.

I started looking after my grandson 3 days s week as part of my childminding business but after a year I decided I was getting too tired to have 4 under 5s 5 days a week so closed the business.

That left me having my dgs 3 days a week and with parents ailing and teenagers still needing me I was knackered. We suggested another nursery day that we could help afford.

My ddil and son are just grateful we help
And never just presume.

Now I have him just the one day. That’s just perfect.

I have 4 other grown up children and have decided that I will be very honest going forward as to what I can do to help. I have big age gaps so my younder kids may well be having babies 10 years hence and I will deffo be top decrepit to childmind regularly then. Also dh and I have our own lives.

Your dil is bloody rude and entitled.

You are not obliged to provide childcare at all and any help offered should be gratefully accepted!

As I have said before nature stops us having children later in life and that is for a reason. We don't have the energy levels or the strength we once had, also we need to care for our health. Looking after young children is a young persons game and as in most cases choose to become parents then they should shoulder the majority of the care. The trouble is in this day and age young people want it all. Stop feeling guilty, you have done more than enough now go and enjoy your retirement.

To add I agree with other posters. Be honest upfront and don’t take on situations you know are too much in the beginning or if you do review regularly.

The me time thing does baffle me with small kids.

The me time is for us grandparents now having done our bit.

Don’t be guilty. You have earned it and so will they.

It amazes that this you ger generation live so far beyond their means and want everything now. In my day my mum would help out but i knew i couldn’t push my luck. It was a case of “you've made your bed so lie in it”. I am old fashioned and believe if someone has children she should be prepared to stay home (most of the time) and take care of them.

I look after my grandchildren when necessary and due to one of my sons losing his wife recently i am having to help out everyday in every way with his young, very lively boys. It is exhausting but necessary. I don’t think you should feel guilty in your situation as your DIL and son can take care of their own children but prefer to be out earning more money than they probably need. Try to make up so you see you GC but don’t allow yourself to be taken advantage of.

You should not feel any guilt at all, you have done more than your fair share. Your daughter in law is unreasonable, it is high time that these young people realised that grandparents are not PARENTS. Good for you setting yourself free. Give them a hand occasionally by all means but certainly don't fall back into the PARENTING trap.

It’s maternal instinct to feel like this. Maybe sit down with them both and ask them to take a step back. They must see how much better you are. Maybe your DIL needs to step back and review her childcare costs etc and if u excuse the term shop around. You need to do what’s best for u . She will get over it or sort something out.

A very wise friend of mine once said "The minute we know we are pregnant, we are handed two enormous boxes, one labelled 'worry' , the other labelled 'guilt' and we carry them around for life."
Sorry, but it's just the way it is!
I'm sure you've found lots of good advice here on how to live with it and I hope it all goes well for you

I understand the feelings of guilt , even though they are not warranted. I looked after my grandson for 2 consecutive days per week .I have fibromyalgia and still need to work .After 6 months I had to say it was too much for me .Now I have him one day per week .I really love spending time with him ( he's 15 months ) but it's still hard work !

Unfortunately, the AC generation just don.'t know how it feels to be 60+ or more. They won't know until they reach that themselves, and that's too late for us! My parents didn't do childminding, but I remember DM saying after she hosted Christmas lunch, which she wanted to do, that she couldn't do it again. She was 70. My perception was that she was just the same as ever, but now I know that wouldn't have been true. I 'did' Christmas lunch for eleven this year, having a cold and UTI. I managed, but I was anxious, which can be as debilitating as the physical problems. I didn't say anything, so my AC probably thought I was fine. Your DiL may be feeling guilty and embarrassed that they took so much of your time and resources.

Three and a half years of the devoted care that you have given to your grandchildren, free of charge, is worth thousands of pounds; that is what your son and DiL have saved because of your kindness. They should be thanking you for this, and not showing off because you are unable and unwilling to continue. They have chosen to have the children, they also seem to want a lifestyle involving 'me time' and meals and drinks out after work which effectively you have been paying for. How lucky they have been to have this for so long. You have nothing to feel guilty about - you should be proud of the vast amount of help you have given to ensure the children had a safe and loving start, but nothing stays the same for ever, and now a time of change has been reached. Your time. Please enjoy it - it has been hard won.

My philosophy right from the start re grandchildren was that I could/would not do for one DC what I wasn't prepared to go on and do for all three DC re grandchildcare - as I have 3 DDs it's not unreasonable to anticipate 9 or so DGC. There is no way I wish or would be able to take on such a massive commitment now I have retired. I am always more than happy to provide emergency childcare, pick ups from school and nursery if arrangements fall apart and to babysit but was clear right from the start that I see my role as support rather than regular child care. I am constantly amazed at how many friends get sucked into providing regular care and then become resentful at how their retirement years are passing by without having the time or freedom to do the things they planned.

Is it my imagination or is the DiL coming in for more than her share of blame? There is a DS involved too. Sorry but I do keep noticing this in the replies.

Why do people have children, and then expect other people to bring them up, feed and nurture them? Apart from the strain it puts on you, they are missing so much of the joy of their own children. I think it is selfish and irresponsible.

Don't feel guilty you've done your bit.

As I read the post, the son made all the necessary child care arrangements when Lupin stopped the arrangement and the dil in now working extra hours to cover the cost and not speaking to mil. So from my point of view she seems a sulky little madam.

This is not acceptable, Grandparents are not there just for free childcare. If you can not afford childcare you should not be having children.
Like most people, I do not mind stepping up when there are emergencies or inset days, but 80 hours a week would be downright cheek. I love my family dearly but they would never ask me to make that kind of commitment. It smacks of lack of respect for your parents if you even ask.

I've been getting up at 6am every school day for four years, taking my son's two children to and from school every day. I can't really do anything during the day without worrying if it will clash with the school pickup time. But I'm happy to do it , as he has his children 100\% of the time and he has no other support.

As grandparents we do what we can to make life easier for our children.