Exhausted from child care

I think the Op means 40 hours of childcare for each child, running consecutively, making the 80, not actually 80 hours of childcare.

Yes we do what we can but can’t be expected to do what we can’t or don’t want to.

Children are the responsibility of their parents not grandparents.

What a strange all or nothing situation? 80 hours a week or absolutely zero?

Can you discuss with them what is entailed in " helping out"

I did it for my 2 older grandkids (teenagers now)....as for the new toddlers and babies, I clearly told my son and d.i.l. that I would not be able to do regular childcare but would help with babysitting. Though last week I babysat the 2 little ones together and I really struggled ... we are all getting older and AC should understand

When you say 80 hours per week joint care do you mean you look after gc for 40 hours per week but because there are 2 of you doing the childcare it works out at 80 hours per week . A little confusing but it does sound much better at 40 hours of childcare but more dramatic at 80 hours of childcare . Can't fathom out your thinking!t
Even so 40 hours is still a lot of free childcare every week.
I have looked after our gs since he was a few months old , it started off at 3 days per week but it was from 8 a.m until 6 pm or sometimes later depending on traffic through town. Then it dropped to 2 days a week when he got extra free nursery hours.
Now he is at school we do pick up only for one week then the following week just one day pick up for sleepover night and take to school following morning.
It is all really appreciated we know that as they very often tell us so. They are always saying that they don't know what they would do without us but are also often asking if we are still ok with all the arrangement s or does it need reviewing . They have often offered money for food for gs but we always refuse it . He is our gs and we will feed him from our own money thank you. money
They often treat us to dinner or a takeaway too . I must admit thoughts I get tired easily as I have health issues but it's what I call a "happy tired"

Look on the bright side.
You say you gave up 80 hours a week to childminding etc.
There’s 144 hours in a week.
That leaves you with 64 hours a week to yourself.
How much time do you need?

I made it clear to my dd I would not be offering childcare when her maternity leave ends. I had sole custody of my first dgd for several years before she returned home dd.
I still have dgd1 one night a week, she does an after school activity near me. I love our time together.
But I'm not mentally or physically able to care for a baby anymore. I'm not particularly old, just unable.
Unfortunately my dd hasn't sourced childcare in anticipation for her return to work in 2 months!! I have reiterated that I'm not able to provide childcare. I struggle to pick the wee one up already! It's not the same thing as looking after an older child who is relatively independent.
Please don't feel guilty that you've said enough is enough. You were brave. I hope that your relationship with your dil recovers soon ?

I guess that nobody in this situation managed expectations so it became a bone of contention. I have been in a similar situation and found that my DS would be surprised when I said I couldn't manage certain things and would say, "But I thought you liked having him." At first that would make me feel guilty and then I remembered what a Counsellor told me. I had a right to feel the way I did and shouldn't be afraid to act on it. I have reduced my hours to one day a week which is far more manageable.
In your situation, it sounds like you snapped. Did you give them enough time to make other arrangements? If it were me, I would try to make time to talk to my DIL on her own and explain that I was worried that there would be an accident with her children as you were both getting so tired. If you didn't give her much warning, perhaps apologise for that saying you wish you had handled it differently. Perhaps ask her why she feels so let down, listen to her and ask if you could draw a line under it and move on. Once you've done that, you will have done all you could and the ball is in her court to let it go.

Although the children were older I did a similar th8ng for my daughter. I snapped, I was so ver6 stressed, couldn’t slee0 properly, now there is not contact, I’m told I terrorized her children, she will never forgive me. Hmmmm

Please don't feel guilty you have done your bit and saved them money over the years. You were in a situation that became impossible for you and the AC are locked into a system of both having to work, there is no easy answer . Both my DDs have said that although they enjoy their jobs they can see how much easier life would have been if they could have stayed at home for the first five years and cared for their own children without involving us and nurseries.

Lupin22 Problems aren't insurmountable.
No doubt you should feel better about yourself come June/July time.

Welcome to GN by the way.

I watched the hilarious 'Motherland' on TV a few months back; the beleaguered working mother trying to organise free childcare was wailing to her pretty devious non helping husband that she wanted her children to be brought up just the way she was - by her mother! (This lady was wisely not answering the door of the phone)

I'm just throwing this comment into the conversation to see what others think.

Do some of this generation of young parents (NOT ALL) have higher expectations of today's grandparents than we did of our parents ?

No guilt trip needed here lupin22. You have done a marvellous job in supporting your family but it is now time to retire from it.
I am not pointing a finger here but IMO not all parents Need to Work the hours they do but if free childcare is available by loving family they can and do take advantage of it. I am sure most of us grandparents did not expect “in our day” to have this luxury. As my father would say, you made your bed now lay in it. Hope I have made sense here and not offended anyone.

NanKate. Was typing as you were posting. Fully agree

'Helping out' voluntarily out of love and generosity is understandable, but Grandparents don't have an obligation to take over the responsibilities of their adult children especially 80 hours per week (full time) of childcare.

Your son and DIL owe you both a debt of gratitude for the three and a half years of freedom they enjoyed while you didn't and at your own expense! During that time, you were also depleted of resources and energy that grew more scarce as time passed not to mention the obvious jeopardy to your health.

You had every right to end this (parental abuse) on your own terms. If anything, your son and DIL took advantage of your generosity for more than three years. If anybody should be feeling guilty, it's them not you!

'Helping out' voluntarily out of love and generosity is understandable, but Grandparents don't have an obligation to take over the responsibilities of their adult children especially 80 hours per week (full time) of childcare.

Your son and DIL owe you both a debt of gratitude for the three and a half years of freedom they enjoyed while you didn't and at your own expense! During that time, you were also depleted of resources and energy that grew more scarce as time passed not to mention the obvious jeopardy to your health.

You had every right to end this (parental abuse) on your own terms. If anything, your son and DIL took advantage of your generosity for more than three years. If anybody should be feeling guilty, it's them not you!

'Helping out' voluntarily out of love and generosity is understandable, but Grandparents don't have an obligation to take over the responsibilities of their adult children especially 80 hours per week (full time) of childcare.

Your son and DIL owe you both a debt of gratitude for the three and a half years of freedom they enjoyed while you didn't and at your own expense! During that time, you were also depleted of resources and energy that grew more scarce as time passed not to mention the obvious jeopardy to your health.

You had every right to end this (parental abuse) on your own terms. If anything, your son and DIL took advantage of your generosity for more than three years. If anybody should be feeling guilty, it's them not you!

Ahhgh! 3X.....I hate when that happens! I guess I pressed the send key too hard! Sorry

Another problem which I don't seem to see mentioned here is that when the GPs are exhausted they are more likely to be irritated and short with the GCs.
You really tried to be a support. You were totally taken advantage of.
Pity it ended in a row, but hopefully you can come to an arrangement which you can all enjoy.

80 hours! Wow! I had to return to work when my first was three months old and then the second child at three years old.

I had no offers of help - just criticism from the in laws about leaving my children to a stranger, and that they would forget I was their mother. Helpful - not.

Your DS and DIL have been very lucky indeed to have you get them over the initial years and they ought to be appreciative of your efforts. To not speak to you is an insult, no matter whether your decision was expected or not.

Your time is now to start enjoying life for yourselves and although you may feel guilty (a natural response) that feeling will pass. I was in a similar position with a family member where expectation followed some one off stop overs to being regarded as a 'duty'. I also felt resentment building up and once that happens it's time to withdraw for your own health and well being.

I do hope your DIL will realise that you simply couldn't go on, and that you are much more deserving of better behaviour from her.

I wish you well. xx

Well, I'm not a grandparent, but I do feel that many grandparents are taken serious advantage of by their AC when they start their own families. There should never be an automatic assumption that the grandparents will take on full childminding roles whilst the parents go off to work. If would be parents feel it's going to be too much of a financial burden to have children without their own parents stepping in to take on the role of almost full time child care, then perhaps they shouldn't be thinking of having children at all until they are in a stronger financial position to have them. The truth of the matter is that choosing parenthood means you should be the primary carers of your children, not your parents/parents in law. As another poster says, I wonder if there is too much expectation by some AC (not all, by any means), that grandparents will be the main carers of grandchildren. This is so wrong, and very selfish. On the other hand, perhaps some grandparents have stepped in saying they will do it, and be full of good intentions, but not realise just how hard and exhausting (both physically and mentally) it is dealing with young children for hours at a time, committing themselves to caring for children almost every day, until they actually start doing it. Initially, they may feel fine, but age and health problems creep up on us, and what they could cope with when younger parents themselves is no longer so easy to maintain.

Totally agree with willa45. Your son and DIL were very lucky to have all the help they did. When my children were small,both sets of grandparents lived hundreds of miles away so we never had any child care we didn't pay for. It was a real headache sometimes - especially when the mortgage interest rates rocketed to 15% and I had no choice but to go back to work full time if we were not to lose our home - but we managed. And when we did see the grandparents during holidays, they had time to enjoy being with our children - and with us.
For the same geographical reasons, I am now also unable to give this kind of support myself to my ACs. I have been very sorry for this. Now, reading these posts, I wonder whether I should have been counting my blessings instead.......

I wonder if GN's realise that if you don't use your parents to look after your children, you claim tax relief in the form of tax credits in order to offset some of the childcare costs. That costs all the tax payers then. You have to be earning quite a lot before you don't get help.
If people only had children they could afford, there would be no pensions for the likes of us!
I'm not saying it should be incumbent on a Grandparent to step up to childcare but it is something that helps the country as a whole not just the parents.