Exhausted from child care

Grammaretto

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Like Bathsheba, I told my three long before they were even married that I did not want to be a regular childminding grandma - looking after a narcissistic mother in her 80s is affecting my health enough! - but with first GC due next week and one DIL getting broody, I still feel guilty for not wanting to do it. I read that offering cash to help with childcare instead works in some families, but still feel it's not our duty to look after GC just because the world has changed and parents think they can't manage without us. Yet I realize that that is the case for some... Worrying about this has stopped me looking forward to being a gran as much as I should be!

When DGS1 was born, my sister-in-law thought it odd that we were not going to do the child-care. My DD has never worked full-time. She was lucky enough to find a wonderful child-minder, with young children, it was like a second family for him. We have always been there for emergencies, and often pick him up from school if needed. He spends some days with us in school holidays, but it has never been too much for us. We are very fortunate to be his grandparents, with our own special role in his life.

You feel guilty because you're obviously a very nice person. Don't!!! You've done far and away more than should have been expected but that's now at an end so enjoy yourself. The situation with your DIL is unfortunate and unpleasant. Is there any way you could visit her to explain calmly how difficult it's been for you both and that you understand she might feel let down but that it was having a detrimental effect on your lives and you just couldn't carry on anymore. Perhaps you could then mention any childcare you're willing to undertake if any as this might help to soften the blow and improve relations? Good luck.

Well, I suppose these things do creep on unless someone calls a halt, and its probably not often the adult children.
Its probably one of those situations that grows as time goes on..

I think the 80 hours is for two children so the OP would seem to have had them both for 10 hours on four days a week.
She no longer has to pay for the cost of their food or travel. I think it was a cheek to have expected her to cover actual costs as well as give her time.

The four days, if they were ten hours make the 80 hours, counting the op's husband as childminding, too.

I guessed OP was counting each child's hours as equivalent to cost at a day care provision.

If parents wages don't cover their outgoings, then they could claim child tax credits.
I suspect a lot wouldn't even consider that option whilst there is free childcare from grandparents.

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Frankly, I don't know how you did it for so long! IMO they have been extremely lucky and should accept that it was just far too much.

I offered one day a week after dd went back to work when Gdd was 9 months. That was fine, especially since she had at least one good nap in the day. She was in nursery 3 days a week, also fine.
However, Gds arrived only 15 months after Gdd, and at 70 and pushing 70 we knew two such little ones were going to be too much. We don't live very close, either, so it had always meant staying over the night before.

Also, if I or both of us had been ill or otherwise incapacitated (as I was last year with shingles) it would have been that much harder for dd to find alternative care for 2.

We offered to help with nursery costs instead - they are still only 2 and 3 - I know we're fortunate to be able to afford to do so.

We still do one-offs and emergencies, though - not all that rarely since dd does have to travel for work now and then, and while SiL is very good and hands-on, he has his own work commitments, too - sometimes very early mornings or late arrivals home.

You've done your bit.

Private rents are sky high. Property prices are still very high with most people not being able to qualify for a mortgage unless both parents work. What are young people supposed to do? Fertility rates are down so leaving it till they can afford it is likely to leave them childless.
Personally, I didn't work if a family member couldn't look after my children because I didn't want them left with strangers but I was in a lucky position to be able to choose.

NanKate You have hit the nail on the head.
I cant name one person who hasn't taken the p* out of their parents regarding child care.
It is nothing other than expected nowadays.
Whilst walking my grandchildren in the park when they were a bit younger I used to see many people in my age bracket with little toddlers in tow.
I used to quip " Free child minding service? "
I always got the same reply, sometimes with a smile, sometimes a rueful acceptance.
Personally I loved it, but it was expected whether I loved it or not.

I've had GC for at least 5 days a week for almost 16 years ,I job shared with my daughter so she could get back to work quickly to avoid PND,she had depression issues previously

.One of the GC has stayed with us half the week every week for 8 years ,sometimes she feels more mine than her mothers .Her parents split when she was a baby and my Son brought her home with him and here they stayed .I did the childcare along with working PT and looking after the other GC and all my other stuff.
I have enjoyed every minute of it .
I always wanted a big family but sadly it wasn't meant to be and these 4 wee people have been a joy and a delight but its not for everyone .Only take on childcare if its a) what YOU want and B) if your fit enough for it .Otherwise you shouldn't feel guilty about saying its not for you and your family should respect that your health and wellbeing must come first

I have never had to do regular childcare as we lived too far away, though I have helped out from time to time especially in school holidays, but I do see some of my friends who are overburdened with grandparent duties, and feel for them. As grandparents we have to learn to draw boundaries and to say No when necessary.
Our adult children mostly do have to both work in order to pay the bills, but it should not be at the expense of the grandparents ‘ health. The OP’s DiL comes across as selfish and lacking any understanding of the grandparents’ feelings. She should be able to get some free hours in nursery and also tax credits to help with childcare costs, but maybe working to pay for childcare will bring home to he just how much her MiL has saved her over the years,

I don't know how we have got to the situation where so many adult children seem to have lost sight of the fact that it is their responsibility to look after their own children, not their parents.

I have heard similar tales to this from a couple of friends - one of whom describes herself as being 'run ragged' by the childcare demands of her daughter.

Why do so many young parents either have children they can't afford, or in the case of one friend's daughter, buy a house they couldn't afford unless the daughter went back to work full time.?

This particular daughter claimed she couldn't afford any form of childcare which left my poor friend in an impossible situation. She is shattered, has no time to herself, and the daughter is always coming up with new clubs or activities she wants her children involved with.

Incredibly selfish behaviour.

I wonder if GN's realise that if you don't use your parents to look after your children, you claim tax relief in the form of tax credits in order to offset some of the childcare costs. That costs all the tax payers then. You have to be earning quite a lot before you don't get help.
If people only had children they could afford, there would be no pensions for the likes of us!
I'm not saying it should be incumbent on a Grandparent to step up to childcare but it is something that helps the country as a whole not just the parents.

Totally agree with willa45. Your son and DIL were very lucky to have all the help they did. When my children were small,both sets of grandparents lived hundreds of miles away so we never had any child care we didn't pay for. It was a real headache sometimes - especially when the mortgage interest rates rocketed to 15% and I had no choice but to go back to work full time if we were not to lose our home - but we managed. And when we did see the grandparents during holidays, they had time to enjoy being with our children - and with us.
For the same geographical reasons, I am now also unable to give this kind of support myself to my ACs. I have been very sorry for this. Now, reading these posts, I wonder whether I should have been counting my blessings instead.......

Well, I'm not a grandparent, but I do feel that many grandparents are taken serious advantage of by their AC when they start their own families. There should never be an automatic assumption that the grandparents will take on full childminding roles whilst the parents go off to work. If would be parents feel it's going to be too much of a financial burden to have children without their own parents stepping in to take on the role of almost full time child care, then perhaps they shouldn't be thinking of having children at all until they are in a stronger financial position to have them. The truth of the matter is that choosing parenthood means you should be the primary carers of your children, not your parents/parents in law. As another poster says, I wonder if there is too much expectation by some AC (not all, by any means), that grandparents will be the main carers of grandchildren. This is so wrong, and very selfish. On the other hand, perhaps some grandparents have stepped in saying they will do it, and be full of good intentions, but not realise just how hard and exhausting (both physically and mentally) it is dealing with young children for hours at a time, committing themselves to caring for children almost every day, until they actually start doing it. Initially, they may feel fine, but age and health problems creep up on us, and what they could cope with when younger parents themselves is no longer so easy to maintain.

80 hours! Wow! I had to return to work when my first was three months old and then the second child at three years old.

I had no offers of help - just criticism from the in laws about leaving my children to a stranger, and that they would forget I was their mother. Helpful - not.

Your DS and DIL have been very lucky indeed to have you get them over the initial years and they ought to be appreciative of your efforts. To not speak to you is an insult, no matter whether your decision was expected or not.

Your time is now to start enjoying life for yourselves and although you may feel guilty (a natural response) that feeling will pass. I was in a similar position with a family member where expectation followed some one off stop overs to being regarded as a 'duty'. I also felt resentment building up and once that happens it's time to withdraw for your own health and well being.

I do hope your DIL will realise that you simply couldn't go on, and that you are much more deserving of better behaviour from her.

I wish you well. xx

Another problem which I don't seem to see mentioned here is that when the GPs are exhausted they are more likely to be irritated and short with the GCs.
You really tried to be a support. You were totally taken advantage of.
Pity it ended in a row, but hopefully you can come to an arrangement which you can all enjoy.

Ahhgh! 3X.....I hate when that happens! I guess I pressed the send key too hard! Sorry

'Helping out' voluntarily out of love and generosity is understandable, but Grandparents don't have an obligation to take over the responsibilities of their adult children especially 80 hours per week (full time) of childcare.

Your son and DIL owe you both a debt of gratitude for the three and a half years of freedom they enjoyed while you didn't and at your own expense! During that time, you were also depleted of resources and energy that grew more scarce as time passed not to mention the obvious jeopardy to your health.

You had every right to end this (parental abuse) on your own terms. If anything, your son and DIL took advantage of your generosity for more than three years. If anybody should be feeling guilty, it's them not you!