Exhausted from child care

I really feel for you! What an awful shame that your kindness in trying to help has turned so sour in your DiLs eyes. For this reason alone I really do hope you can forgive yourself for any guilt you are feeling (which I might add is totally wrong in my opinion). I only care for our DGC one day a week and that's quite enough for me (I adore them both by the way!) ... I'm late 60s and I really empathise with you, it's very tiring to be looking after young children at our age and you shouldn't have been put in this position in my opinion. As has been said, it was their decision to have children so surely they must have thought through all the implications beforehand? Ours is the first generation to be put in a position that we're expected to care for not only our elderly parents but our grandchildren too - it's totally unfair to expect it of us. Probably like ourselves no doubt you brought up your own children together without any help, I know we did and I wouldn't have even dreamt of my Mom looking after our two. I think the trouble is that this generation seems to want it all and isn't prepared to sacrifice their nice lifestyle and so here's where it comes to the wire. How selfish of your DiL to now be nasty with you because you've found the courage to say what YOU need! I only hope her nasty/selfish attitude hasn't meant that she's restricting your contact with your GC? I would honestly urge you to lose any feelings of guilt. You and your DH deserve a life and good health. If I were you, I'd be very proud of the sacrifice I'd made and would be congratulating myself that I'd coped so well for so long X

Since the day after we moved to New Zealand over five years ago I have been willingly involved in caring for my grandchildren. A sixth child was born nearly four years ago but the "extra" was counterbalanced by the older ones becoming more independent. I am 68 years old. Until mid-October last year, I provided 28 or more hours of childcare a week, some of that time with three boys after school and pre-school plus two full days a week with the three-year-old. Obviously, granny duty increased during the school holidays and I was also the first port of call if someone felt ill at school or the parent due to collect them was held up at work or by traffic on the way home. I did all this very gladly but have been feeling my age a bit over the year.

During the weekend following half term in October I was rushed off to hospital because my heartbeat had gone into overdrive. The doctor described my condition as my heart beating as if I were doing a marathon – but I was lying still on a bed. Fortunately, after some hours and a bit of anxiety, all returned to normal. As soon as I told my daughter and son-in-law about this episode, absentdaughter arranged for the three-year-old to attend pre-school for an additional day and for the two older boys to go to Kids' Care after school two days each week. I do miss Library Day with the little one, although we still go to Splash Time on a Friday. Of course, this costs absentdaughter and absent son-in-law quite a lot of money, but they didn't hesitate because they consider my well-being to be non-negotiable. I think your daughter-in-law is behaving very badly.

its because you let it happen i would have nipped it in the bud after a few months. you poor things you must have been knackered (pardon my words).if dil intends to have more children she should be responsible for them. and not take advantage of you as grandparents. well done for resigning..you have to have some time to yourself ,maybe you could have them on a friday AFTER school/nursery etc.stick to your resigning. she should be grateful for all the time you gave..

My gd came to live with us permanently when she was 6, she is now 18 it was really easy at first got her into local primary school which she loved but when she started secondary school things started to get difficult she became difficukt to manage and through our doctors help she attended CAMHS which helped she does suffer with mental health issues and takes medication things are easier now she is a lot better she now 18 we feel we have never really had a retirement up to now.

I am in awe reading how much childcare some of you do. It sure is a full time job.
absent do you really bring up 6 children on your own?
I used to send take ours to their gran for a couple of weeks in the summer though I grumbled that they refused to take them all so I was left with the youngest to entertain.
There was no after school or holiday provision in those days.

Grammaretto

I’m glad this has come up as I too am reaching my limit. Our daughter is a single parent, working in a stressful more than full time post an hour’s drive away. She asked if we would help when she got pregnant and of course we said we would. She gets no money from the father and they rarely even see him. I stupidly imagined our commitment was until school age but of course it isn’t, it’s until granddaughter gets to teenage at least, she’s just turned 9 and we’ve done this all her life. I imagined daughter would meet someone else, that’s not happening as she works and sleeps, that’s all.

She is dropped off at 7.30 am ish and we get her ready, take to school, pick up from school and more often than not, feed them both as it’s so late when d gets home, it’s nearly bedtime for gd. We love this closeness of course and she considers our house as home BUT we are both 70 now, our lives are passing quickly. We have an apartment abroad which we go to but not for as long as we’d like or only if they join us for part of the time. I am getting increasingly annoyed that there seems no end in sight. I do all her washing and ironing as otherwise it wouldn’t get done or gd would go to school in unironed clothes. D does send gd to after school club three nights a week but that’s only until 4.45 pm! When we’re away, she has to go to a teacher first thing who takes her to breakfast club then after school club which I feel guilty about because it’s such a long day for her and d has to cut short her work to get back for her which means she’s not doing her job properly she says. This temporary arrangement of course, can’t be a long term thing. There’s no friends or childminders who are able or willing to take gd to school as it’s miles down a country road out of the town where we live. I feel despondent and unable to see a way out of it all!

Your daughter could work less hours and claim child tax credits, maybe, luckylegs?

It doesn't sound as if she is having a very fulfilling life, unless work means a great deal to her wellbeing?

No, you’re right, she has an awful life really, never goes out except for meals with us mostly which we pay for obviously! But she does have a good job with a good salary. She couldn’t do it part time so she’d have to find something else which she’s not keen to do as she’s the boss and is reluctant to regress of course. We have considered every angle and I’ve come to the conclusion that this is our lot until she meets someone or something happens. I’ve got health problems so presumably something will happen or we reach 80 still the same!

Well, good luck then!
Hopefully something will change in the not too distant future.

Luckylegs you need to have a family conference. If DD has a good job why are you paying for meals out!
Of course you love your DGD but you must have more time off.
Do DD or DGD have friends they could share with? I suppose not if they are quite isolated or far from school.
I always found looking after 2 much easier than one.

You gradually took too much on. Then ‘snapped’ and left them in the lurch.
If anyone offers or is asked to do childminding duties, say at the beginning ‘let’s see how this goes and evaluate it every couple of months to check it still suits us’.
And if it doesn’t don’t cut the parents off at the knees. Give them notice so that by a mutually agreed date, alternatives can be arranged!

She’s running a house single handed. The biggest cost is petrol, she spends a fortune. She knows it was a mistake getting this job but it’s prestigious and not easily given up after three years of bloody hard work getting it sorted. If she’s late because of traffic (quite frequent unfortunately) the staff all mutter and question her! Her dad is very generous and just insists we are paying mostly. Ignore me, I’m just venting.

Only having one wage is always difficult.
I always had to work my weekends off as overtime when I did shifts. Every single weekend, always.

That was just to keep the rent on my council flat and bills paid.

Did you give her notice or just snap and quit?

Ok I can see now. My mum was a single parent too, a widow with 3 of us it must have been a nightmare.
She had no family either but she had a few good friends living nearby.
We were left alone more than would be acceptable nowadays. I had a latch key around my neck from the age of 10. I took my wee brother home from school too.
Poor mum. She worked so hard and went to night school to get qualifications and a better job. She never remarried but once we were grown up a bit she was able to enjoy her interests again.
It was only when I had children of my own that I realised how lucky I was to have a DH.

notanan2 the OP says her son had mae alternative arrangements so presumably nottice given

When dgs1 came along I refused to commit to any childcare as I was working shifts. Other side, sil’s mother was off every second Friday so she committed to this and sil would cover the alternate Friday as he was off. However over the first 3 months of childcare dh and I ended up having dgs for 5 out of the 7 Friday’s sil’s mother was supposed to have them as she was going on holiday or having friends to stay or just going out. Sil then got promotion but had to work every Friday, hence we ended up covering that as well. Dgs2 arrived and sil broached the subject of childcare and said his mother was happy to continue with every second Friday if I could cover the other one! I refused as there was no cover should I have to work that day and also because of the fact that sil’s mother had never thought it a problem just saying she couldn’t do her Friday (often at short notice), leaving me and husband (who retired because of ill heath) or younger ds (who also worked shifts) to sort it out. Dd2 completely understood and put 2dgs in Nursery that day. Her mil was very unhappy with this and said they didn’t need to go to nursery on the alternate Fridays and she shouldn’t lose out because I wouldn’t help. It has caused an atmosphere with sil. However, as previously, dh and I have ended up giving significant help, having dgs’ before taking them to nursery, meaning dh often has to be up at 7am to have them until I get home from work or if on early shift he has to take them to nursery, after I have dressed and fed them before going to work. Then we have to pick them up twice a week and give them their dinner. We are also first contacts for nursery if either child has to come home. Dd1 (who has them 2 days a week) is expecting her own first child early in March and we have helped her out considerably, on the days she has them, since she became pregnant (she has been pretty unwell over the last 5 months). To be honest all this is too much with my working and I have recently cut down my hours at work. However I know that sil and his dm still think I am being unfair. To upset me even more sil has since said to me that he knows I will help dd1 out much more than they have ever been helped as I have cut my work hours now that dd1 is pregnant, whereas I wouldn’t cut them for their children!!
I love my 2dgs’ but feel really resentful that all the help I give is so unappreciated by sil. I had no-one to help me, so I couldn’t work when I had my 5dcs and really think that nowadays there is too much expectation put on gps.

You have my sympathy Chucky.
I'm sure you and DH are appreciated but they have a funny way of showing it!
I feel we never seem to be able to please everyone so maybe you should put your health and DH first.
Mine joke that we never help them whereas we help their siblings but I treat it as a joke.
You can't do everything and some need you more than others.

When you are young and still of childbearing age, you have absolutely NO idea what it is like to be old.

Grandparents look energetic when the children and grandchildren visit, so it's easy to assume nothing except that number has changed.
But it does, By Jingoes it does.
I think you made a heroic effort Lupin and deserve their eternal thanks. How brave to now call a halt before anything serious happens to you, that must have been incredibly difficult.
Perhaps you could explain to your son that you didn't want to give up your darling grandchildren but you were beginning to feel unsafe as a result of your exhaustion.
No one works at peak efficiency when they are dropping from tiredness.
What would they have done if you'd collapsed, even if it had only been from a virus you couldn't shrug off due to tiredness?
I often think, when I see the somewhat cavalier attitudes of the 30 somethings, to us 60 and 70 somethings, ~you'll learn, one of these days it'll be you~

So true Bradford.When my DC were young my mum was in her 50s younger than me now, but still very active.Looking back now I took her for granted, and selfishly expected a lot from both mum and dad, even though my dad became disabled at 57 we wanted to work and have evenings out. But how are we to know how they feel if they don't say, I believe as older grandparents, we have to be honest and say when it's too much.The only thing my mum wouldn't do is have my children overnight, which I do regularly, even though I find it exhausting.

It seems our children these days just expect we will want to/be able to look after their own children so they can go back to work and continue to enjoy the lifestyle. I have always said if you can't afford to stay at home for the first five years (at least) of your child's life, then you shouldn't have children. In the village where I live I see so many ladies in their 60s and older, pushing a buggy with one or two children in it, or pushing a buggy and holding a toddlers hand. They look worn out, dragged down with the hard work and responsibility. I believe that at our age, we have earned the right to a life free from the responsibility of child-rearing, when our time should be our own to choose how we spend it, not having to think of the commitments we have made to look after our grandchildren. My selfish son and his partner decided that since I wasn't prepared to look after their child all week then I was no longer fit to be a part of their little family. And he hasn't spoken to us in a decade. Sad? Of course it is, but I no longer lose sleep, shed tears, feel guilty over someone so thoughtless and selfish. I might add I live with four chronic illnesses so am not the best person to take charge of a lively child, or a baby. But of course, that didn't matter to my son. Do Not feel guilty Lupin22. After a life time of working, raising a family, this time is Yours, go and enjoy it. .

I have 3 grandchildren. With 2 of them their parents fully understand about me being older and don't expect me to watch them for prolonged periods of time. The other one has a single parent who is very selfish of her own time (my stepdaughter). She simply does not get it through her head that I am older and have already raised children and refuse to have regularly scheduled babysitting days. Of course I come off looking like the bad guy but I refuse to give in.

I have 3 grandchildren. With 2 of them their parents fully understand about me being older and don't expect me to watch them for prolonged periods of time. The other one has a single parent who is very selfish of her own time (my stepdaughter). She simply does not get it through her head that I am older and have already raised children and refuse to have regularly scheduled babysitting days. Of course I come off looking like the bad guy but I refuse to give in.

I really admire the people on here who say no to caring regularly for their grandchildren. It is not the grandparents’ job, but too many seem to think it is. I know of at least two people who don’t want to do it, but have gradually given in and are exhausted.

My grandchildren live 200 miles away, so luckily it doesn’t arise. Much as I love them, I don’t want to be a childminder. I didn’t expect my parents to do it. I wouldn’t have dreamt of sending the children to them so that I could ‘have a break’. Looking after the children was my job, not theirs.