Exhausted from child care

I don't know how we have got to the situation where so many adult children seem to have lost sight of the fact that it is their responsibility to look after their own children, not their parents.

I have heard similar tales to this from a couple of friends - one of whom describes herself as being 'run ragged' by the childcare demands of her daughter.

Why do so many young parents either have children they can't afford, or in the case of one friend's daughter, buy a house they couldn't afford unless the daughter went back to work full time.?

This particular daughter claimed she couldn't afford any form of childcare which left my poor friend in an impossible situation. She is shattered, has no time to herself, and the daughter is always coming up with new clubs or activities she wants her children involved with.

Incredibly selfish behaviour.

I have never had to do regular childcare as we lived too far away, though I have helped out from time to time especially in school holidays, but I do see some of my friends who are overburdened with grandparent duties, and feel for them. As grandparents we have to learn to draw boundaries and to say No when necessary.
Our adult children mostly do have to both work in order to pay the bills, but it should not be at the expense of the grandparents ‘ health. The OP’s DiL comes across as selfish and lacking any understanding of the grandparents’ feelings. She should be able to get some free hours in nursery and also tax credits to help with childcare costs, but maybe working to pay for childcare will bring home to he just how much her MiL has saved her over the years,

I've had GC for at least 5 days a week for almost 16 years ,I job shared with my daughter so she could get back to work quickly to avoid PND,she had depression issues previously

.One of the GC has stayed with us half the week every week for 8 years ,sometimes she feels more mine than her mothers .Her parents split when she was a baby and my Son brought her home with him and here they stayed .I did the childcare along with working PT and looking after the other GC and all my other stuff.
I have enjoyed every minute of it .
I always wanted a big family but sadly it wasn't meant to be and these 4 wee people have been a joy and a delight but its not for everyone .Only take on childcare if its a) what YOU want and B) if your fit enough for it .Otherwise you shouldn't feel guilty about saying its not for you and your family should respect that your health and wellbeing must come first

NanKate You have hit the nail on the head.
I cant name one person who hasn't taken the p* out of their parents regarding child care.
It is nothing other than expected nowadays.
Whilst walking my grandchildren in the park when they were a bit younger I used to see many people in my age bracket with little toddlers in tow.
I used to quip " Free child minding service? "
I always got the same reply, sometimes with a smile, sometimes a rueful acceptance.
Personally I loved it, but it was expected whether I loved it or not.

Private rents are sky high. Property prices are still very high with most people not being able to qualify for a mortgage unless both parents work. What are young people supposed to do? Fertility rates are down so leaving it till they can afford it is likely to leave them childless.
Personally, I didn't work if a family member couldn't look after my children because I didn't want them left with strangers but I was in a lucky position to be able to choose.

You've done your bit.

Frankly, I don't know how you did it for so long! IMO they have been extremely lucky and should accept that it was just far too much.

I offered one day a week after dd went back to work when Gdd was 9 months. That was fine, especially since she had at least one good nap in the day. She was in nursery 3 days a week, also fine.
However, Gds arrived only 15 months after Gdd, and at 70 and pushing 70 we knew two such little ones were going to be too much. We don't live very close, either, so it had always meant staying over the night before.

Also, if I or both of us had been ill or otherwise incapacitated (as I was last year with shingles) it would have been that much harder for dd to find alternative care for 2.

We offered to help with nursery costs instead - they are still only 2 and 3 - I know we're fortunate to be able to afford to do so.

We still do one-offs and emergencies, though - not all that rarely since dd does have to travel for work now and then, and while SiL is very good and hands-on, he has his own work commitments, too - sometimes very early mornings or late arrivals home.

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If parents wages don't cover their outgoings, then they could claim child tax credits.
I suspect a lot wouldn't even consider that option whilst there is free childcare from grandparents.

I guessed OP was counting each child's hours as equivalent to cost at a day care provision.

The four days, if they were ten hours make the 80 hours, counting the op's husband as childminding, too.

I think the 80 hours is for two children so the OP would seem to have had them both for 10 hours on four days a week.
She no longer has to pay for the cost of their food or travel. I think it was a cheek to have expected her to cover actual costs as well as give her time.

Well, I suppose these things do creep on unless someone calls a halt, and its probably not often the adult children.
Its probably one of those situations that grows as time goes on..

You feel guilty because you're obviously a very nice person. Don't!!! You've done far and away more than should have been expected but that's now at an end so enjoy yourself. The situation with your DIL is unfortunate and unpleasant. Is there any way you could visit her to explain calmly how difficult it's been for you both and that you understand she might feel let down but that it was having a detrimental effect on your lives and you just couldn't carry on anymore. Perhaps you could then mention any childcare you're willing to undertake if any as this might help to soften the blow and improve relations? Good luck.

When DGS1 was born, my sister-in-law thought it odd that we were not going to do the child-care. My DD has never worked full-time. She was lucky enough to find a wonderful child-minder, with young children, it was like a second family for him. We have always been there for emergencies, and often pick him up from school if needed. He spends some days with us in school holidays, but it has never been too much for us. We are very fortunate to be his grandparents, with our own special role in his life.

Like Bathsheba, I told my three long before they were even married that I did not want to be a regular childminding grandma - looking after a narcissistic mother in her 80s is affecting my health enough! - but with first GC due next week and one DIL getting broody, I still feel guilty for not wanting to do it. I read that offering cash to help with childcare instead works in some families, but still feel it's not our duty to look after GC just because the world has changed and parents think they can't manage without us. Yet I realize that that is the case for some... Worrying about this has stopped me looking forward to being a gran as much as I should be!

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Grammaretto

Just read in the paper that GP are to blame for fat children because we give them so many sweet things. Another reason not to look after them!

Please do not fall into the guilt trap- In my day if your were a Mum that was your job - Can never get that time back when your children are little - Ever -

Thanks folks for the support with my comment earlier.

I had no parents available to help. Just me and partner. It was hard. We both worked. Childcare etc. Some amazing friends helped, too. Your offspring have no idea how lucky they are to have help. They should treasure you and give thanks for all you give them.

It's good that you got your life back but don't be too hard on DiL. Your reaction must have been a shock for both of them - we also find it really difficult to communicate with AC without it becoming personal. I really have to plan what I am going to say. Also I know I couldn't even have imagined that, at the age I am now, my DM would have been too tired to cope with DGC and I don't like to admit how tired I feel sometimes in case AC decide I'm too tired to look after DGC at all. Perhaps DiL is feeling the brunt of the new childcare arrangements too if DS made them but she seems to be working all the extra hours. So she sees her children even less. Perhaps, had you been clear about what you could manage before you reached the end of your tether, she would have made different work choices. I'm really not blaming you but just playing devil's advocate. Times and families are different, and what they can and can't offer in childcare must reflect that. If it's not too late, I'd apologise to her for the short notice and for 'snapping' (whether you feel you should or not) and be clear that you are very happy to help out but only in an emergency. And enjoy your free time!

Grandparents should never be expected to provide child care. If they want to, that's lovely and generous, but it should never be an expectation. Either you decrease your outgoings to pay for childcare, or you increase your incomings. It's not a GP's responsibility to care for their AC's children.

Bathsheba...I tried a warning comment upthread, but people just carried on regardless.