Gransnet forums



(48 Posts)
Devastatedgranny Tue 29-Jan-19 17:45:40

If your son or daughter has told you that you cannot see your grandchildren because your son or daughter has an issue with you and is angry (Trust me i hand on heart dont know why!) Then have any of you tried mediation and does it help to see your grandchildren again?

Grannyben Tue 29-Jan-19 19:24:25

Hello there. Thankfully, I've never been in this awful situation so, can't offer much in the way of advice. I just wanted you to know that I've read your post, while you wait for someone with more knowledge to come along

HildaW Tue 29-Jan-19 19:45:12

All I can suggest is that you allow some time to pass and then try to engineer a proper meeting with yr son or daughter on neutral ground and ask them why they feel this way. Do not jump straight into 'Why can't I have contact with the grandchildren...try to get to the bottom of why they feel so upset with you. Once you have found out what it is that's caused this reaction try and explain how very painful it is for you to be denied contact. Try not to jump straight into making demands to see them....get to the cause of their decision first. Good Luck.

Devastatedgranny Tue 29-Jan-19 20:57:43

Im being totally ignored by my offspring who says they want no contact in any way shape or form unless its the legal route and i was wondering if anyone used mediation and did it work

27mommy Tue 29-Jan-19 22:14:43

Be very careful going the legal route. It is very expensive on both parties and will likely be the nuclear option. Has your AC told you why they don't want contact?

Devastatedgranny Tue 29-Jan-19 23:34:16

No reason at all

mumofmadboys Tue 29-Jan-19 23:53:13

Could you say you are keen to see them and have a relationship with them? Otherwise they may feel they don't matter and you just want to see the GC.

Devastatedgranny Wed 30-Jan-19 00:19:34

Ive tried all ways and now been told by my off spring if i want to see them then i have to go down the legal route

Tartlet Wed 30-Jan-19 00:25:30

Devastatedgranny, are you able to tell us more about the background to this? It would help us to understand and be able to comment better. A very sad situation for you.

Devastatedgranny Wed 30-Jan-19 00:30:53

Thats basically it...simple as it is...for some reason i cannot see my grandchildren and the rest you can see above x

27mommy Wed 30-Jan-19 01:48:02

There has to be a reason, even if they never actually said it. Were there any interactions that may have upset them? How were they before having kids and in the immediate aftermath?

ReadyMeals Wed 30-Jan-19 09:56:12

I hate how some people make relationship decisions for their children. Unless the reason the parent has fallen out with you is because you have been doing something that is bad for the children, why can't they let you see the kids on your own and simply avoid you themselves? I had to do it with mine.

mabon1 Wed 30-Jan-19 09:59:18

There must be a reason - find out what is the problem

Yogagirl Wed 30-Jan-19 09:59:39

Devastatedgranny I went to mediation, did me the power of good, the councillor was lovely and very sympathetic. After my visit the AC are then invited to come along, mine didn't accept the invitation and that was the end of that. Your papers will then be forwarded to the courts, to begin the process of requesting permission to go to court for your visitation rights to see your GC. You will then find yourself swept away in the coggs of the legal system.
As I've already said in your other 2 threads, I regret going to court and wouldn't recommend that path.

Riggie Wed 30-Jan-19 10:01:45

I agree, there's obviously a reason.
Legal route is likely to be exlensive and still may not get you the access you want.

Hm999 Wed 30-Jan-19 10:03:58

One of my children was estranged from the whole family for over a decade as they tried to sort out their head; one of my friend's children was estranged for a number of years after their ex just told lies. No rows in either case, just silence as parent tried to establush contact. Neither estrangement lasted. Please hang in there. Good luck.

NannaR Wed 30-Jan-19 10:10:47

Careful with mediation with someone who has already formed a Counsellor relationship with the other party. My Son - who I'm convinced is mentally unwell currently - used a meeting to humiliate me in front of a third party. It just allowed him to vent his anger. His anger has come only from himself. He is showing all the signs of coercive control - enabling him empowerment. Be careful not to draw the GC into this in any way. Be strong. Be firm. Do not allow the controller any further opportunity to manipulate you further. Learn to function without the GC for s long as it will take them to realise that you are the safe harbour. Check out the Duluth Wheel of Power and Control. See what areas of control might fit the profile of your manipulator. Understanding is power. Hold tight.

Nanny27 Wed 30-Jan-19 10:13:49

devastated granny what was the relationship with your ac like before this bombshell? Had you got on well or have events led up to the announcement?

Lindylou23 Wed 30-Jan-19 10:18:29

My D stopped us from seeing ggc, for no apparent reason if she was asked why would give a reason I would answer her or try to solve it she would move the goalposts,it went on for 10 years promises we could see them then refusing us.
End of last year a complete turn around inviting us for meals etc etc to this day I do not know what happened.
Keep sending dgc birthday gifts and Christmas I also sent little gifts through the year. I used to keep a diary of my thoughts good and bad that seemed to help.
Good luck

25Avalon Wed 30-Jan-19 10:23:47

I am so sad for you. My brother and his wife cut her father off for some reason when their children were small and he never saw them again. Then they cut me off in a very cruel way several years ago. I still send their children and grandchildren presents and gradually my nieces seem to realise it was not of my doing. This doesn't help you much except I can quite understand that you have not done anything wrong. With their attitude I cannot see mediation remedying the situation although it may help you personally.
Getting grandparent rights is all very well but what are they telling the grandchildren? Go for those rights as you may otherwise never see the gc again and when you get them as I hope you will be careful never to criticise the parents to the gc but let the gc learn what a nice loving person you are.

I wish you all the best.

NotSpaghetti Wed 30-Jan-19 10:23:51

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NannaR Wed 30-Jan-19 10:23:56

Our relationship was fantastic. I helped and supported the Family in many ways - in practical ways and planned financial ways. My Son always used to ask me to add value to his business enterprises. I collected my GC from various functions regularly. DiL has been "cast aside" in a sudden, aggressive, violent manner. The Family has now separated. DiL is good with me - and "feeds" opportunities where she can, but she needs to "obey" S rules until the divorce is settled and history. She is still fully under his control, which I do understand. I cannot impose any demands on her at all. I just appreciate what very limited opportunities I have with the GC. S is now estranged - largely because I have cut off all routes for him to argue with me any more. All I can hope for is that he has another "breakdown" and realises that he needs me again. Meanwhile, I try to hang onto the "calm" and try hard to manage my heartache.

HildaW Wed 30-Jan-19 10:30:49

I am loathe to say this but mediation is all about bringing two sides together to let them negotiate their points of view and come up with an answer. If, as you say, you have done nothing wrong there would be very little for mediation to work with. You are almost implying that the fault lies totally with your child which is a very difficult place to start mediation from.

Shazmo24 Wed 30-Jan-19 10:36:35

There must be something for them to suddenly stop all contact. People don't just do that sort of thing without something having happened.
You need to leave them time things will change but for now allow them the space they need. The more you push the less likely that this will be resolved

sarahellenwhitney Wed 30-Jan-19 10:41:32

Tartlet. There is a reason for everything that takes place in life. You say you cannot understand why you are being treated in this way and appears you are not going to get a response from your GC's parents so I suggest you go to Citizens Advice or find a solicitor that deals with family issues. Do not make further contact with your son/daughter until you have obtained professional advice /assistance.