Mediation

The only person I know whose daughter cut her off, seemingly without good reason and thereby severing contact with grandchildren too, had mental health issues and my friend has alcoholic tendencies. A toxic mix.

Ungranned

Going to someone's house and insisting on staying is likely to result in a call to the police. That's not an appropriate response. It's upsetting to the family and especially the children. It's also incredibly disrespectful.

Has anyone in this similar kind of situation had a positive outcome, e.g. mediation resulting in an end to the no contact, or perhaps just turning up at their daughters house and insisting on staying to talk together and resolve things? Or anything else that has ended the horrific situation?

Terrible Ungranned Yes it certainly helps to know others in the same sad boat and share stories. I too would never have envisaged my daughter doing this, I believed we were very close What a cruel message your daughter sent, she knew exactly how much that would hurt you!

I'm so sorry, ungranned.
I do hope things change for you.

Yogagirl
Thank you for your response. I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone but it seems there are a lot of us out there and in a way it helps to know you're not the only one. I never ever imagined this would happen to me and still find it hard to comprehend how my daughter can tell me she no longer wants me in her life. Her last message said this but she said that if my two grandchildren want to contact me when they're 16 she won't stop them. As they're only 7 and 3.5 yrs and I'm 70 next year this feels unbearable. I just see a long future without my family in it

Ungranned
Sorry to hear of your plight, as you have said many grans are in this same sad situation with their AC. Into the 7th year for me and yes your family feels like it has a big hole in it! It's truly tragic what the young adults of today find acceptable; to cut off your loving mother & sister [my case] for no reason and be happy with that. One day they will be grandparents, so I take it they will be find when their AC cut them off, 'just cos they can', and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it!

Hi everyone, I'm new to Gransnet and decided to join for support and hopefully some advice. Firstly though, I'm just amazed at the number of cases similar to mine. My situation is that my daughter cut off contact, from herself only, when hubby and I, after years of considering it, decided to move to Cyprus. This was shortly after he retired early and due to circumstances at that time we decided to go for it as an adventure before we got too old, for five years max. We came back after 2.5 yrs as contact with my GC via my SIL had gradually stopped and I was desperately unhappy. Since returning to UK I have no contact with any of them, nor with my eldest son and family as, although initially he was fine with our proposed move, he too stopped all contact. My youngest son has been and still is absolutely fine and even came out to see us in Cyprus. Thankfully I still have him in my life. His situation is slightly different as he's not yet married and had no children. We've been back for almost a year now and whereas I had hoped for reconciliation my other two children and my grandchildren are not in my life. I'm only just managing to live with this daily but there is such a big chunk of my family missing and I find it very difficult. I've been accused of harassment against my daughter and although since all this began I've always sent cards and presents for birthdays and Christmas, for the first time my grandson's birthday present and card were returned unopened. I miss my family so much and am devastated to be cut out of their lives.

Sadly, in my case the reason was my daughter married a psychopath. I learned this through counseling and that No Contact is at epidemic proportions with the onslaught of life coaches who make this an option in connection to labeling their targets as narcissists. I'm told this choice is in direct opposition to advice from trained professionals (coaches have 1 year or less certification and statistics support these correlations) who believe that effective communication solves issues where NC, gray rock and ghosting show immaturity in problem resolution and many times are themselves the narcissist showing no remorse or empathy for the pain they inflict on others, including their own children. While NC is appropriately used against physical and sexual abuse, the removal of loving parents/grandparents and the relationships can be devastating to all involved. My son-in-law is textbook psycho where separation from a strong family unit is key in his mind and many families have similar experiences with marriage partners who can change the family dynamic through choices that are not based in love and light and can cause grief and pain. I would suggest you find a good psychiatrist and support group letting go of any legal request. There are many parents who are experiencing the same problem who offer their stories and support online (Estranged Parents). If you know that you were a good parent, stop blaming yourself as this is not your choice. Move forward with your life knowing that there's nothing you can do to control other people's choices. Allow your pain to end.

You can be cut out of your AC life without having done anything to deserve it, it happened to me. I loved and adored my DD, she lived with me with my GD, we had a very happy & supportive life, I wasn't just a grandparent but the second parent in my GD life, as the father was never in her life, nor any of his family.

The reason cut out GP's long to be reunited with their GC is that although missing the AC as much, as I do, if reunited, the AC will be almost the same person, save a few years of aging, were as the GC will be completely different, won't know who you are from Adam and the close bond you had with them gone. My GC were 2.5yrs & 18mths, now 8.5yrs and 7.5yrs, big, big difference in the child, quite grown up from being the toddler you knew and loved and you just a stranger to them

Is this more than 1 offspring that doesn’t want anything to do with you or is it just the one son/daughter?
If it’s more than one, then I’m truly sorry to say that there must be something at sometime that has happened. I do hope that this gets sorted

Ignore them right back yes painful but stop making the effort dont come across desparate fill your day with other things
Dont allow yourself to be stamped on

grandtanteJE65. Direct approach to the parents requesting reasons for their actions is not recommended as could add fuel to the fire.
Contacting a professional who will have experience of such issues is advisable .

What do they mean by the 'legal route' I wonder, GP's have hardly any legal rights to see/be in contact with their grandchildren (in the UK). Have you had issues like this before with your adult children? Could it be that their partner is pushing this ? My ex s-i-l did all he could to stop my DD from seeing me and our side of the family, luckily she decided that she needed my support and that she valued her Aunts/Uncles/Cousins and she refused to stop contact with us. Seems very odd that it was so sudden and unexpected. Is there another family member you could ask to intervene on your behalf and who could find out, initially, whatever it is you are supposed to have done? Other than that I agree with other posters that there is very little you can do until they change their minds.

Your relationship with your own child has to come first. You ought to want to see them most of all, before any grandchildren. If you don't have a relationship with your own son or daughter, you don't get a relationship with the grandkids. Its as simple as that. No relationship with the parents, no relationship with the children. No one has rights to someone else's children just because they share DNA.

As someone suggested, see if any other family member knows what is going on. But if you can open a channel of communication, don't even mention the grandkids. Tell your own child that you want to mend the rift with them. Put all the focus on that.

I have had my post deleted as I commented on your earlier post devastatedgranny from another thread:

www.gransnet.com/forums/grandparenting/1221086-Estranged-Grandparents

I don’t want you to think I said anything unkind about this sad situation.
I do still think you should grin and bear it for now, and put together a happy memories box with little things you love and have loved about your grandchildren in the hope that once they are older and can choose to make contact, they will.
Good luck.

Devastatedgranny - do you have other children who may be more in the know as to why their sibling has taken this stance against you? Do you know the other grandparents and if so are they treated in the same way? There does of course, have to be a reason why this has happened and I know that for you it is really an unbearable situation, but you have to explore all ways of discovering what has prompted the estrangement. Have you tried talking about this with other relatives or friends who know you - they may be able to point to something they see in your interaction with your offspring that has escaped you and might give a clue.

Take a Deep Breath, and after a little while for calm to settle, Contact a Solicitor (If it has to be legal?) and get them to ask what you can do to put things right - even if you don't think you have done anything wrong. It is the best way to open up dialogue and try to mend things. If this doesn't work write to your GC, leave the letters with a Solicitor (making sure there is nothing about the parents) so that they can be passed on either now or sometime in the future, so at least once they can make their own mind up they will know you cared.

I'm so sorry to hear this, but unless the young people tell you why they want nothing more to do with you, I don't think professional advice is going to help.

In your place I would want a solicitor in order to change my will, as if any child of mine refused to see me and won't tell me why I would take steps to ensure that they inherited as little as possible!

You don't say anything about wanting to see your son or daughter, just the grandchildren. I've noticed this before with GNs, all their concerns are with having a relationship with their grandchildren. How about first building a loving bond with your children and the rest will follow. I'm obviously not considering in law problems here but the OP hasn't mentioned anything like that.

I was a social worker and dealt with similar cases for years mediation does work a lot of the time, I used to speak to both parties in their own homes then swop information on the dispute again with both parties then hopefully get everyone in the same room in a neutral place, like an office, and a lot of the time it worked. some people like to have their say in a shouty way at first but good management from an outside professional can help that. Don't just discount mediation & find out your rights from CAB.

Tartlet. I apologise for the error and my comment should have been headed devastatedgranny.

It doesn't sound as if they would agree to mediation and you can't force it so I can't really understand the context in which the question is asked.
I agree with HildaW. Can you really not see anything that you might have said or done that might have upset them or been misinterpreted?

Tartlet. There is a reason for everything that takes place in life. You say you cannot understand why you are being treated in this way and appears you are not going to get a response from your GC's parents so I suggest you go to Citizens Advice or find a solicitor that deals with family issues. Do not make further contact with your son/daughter until you have obtained professional advice /assistance.

There must be something for them to suddenly stop all contact. People don't just do that sort of thing without something having happened.
You need to leave them alone..in time things will change but for now allow them the space they need. The more you push the less likely that this will be resolved