daughter in law

tickingbird, I don't see anything nasty or spiteful. Sure it does happen on some threads, as you say, but I think in this thread it has been restricted to suggesting the DIL's point of view - which can actually HELP the OP feel better, if it helps her to see the DIL may not be being deliberately hostile. Surely we all feel better when we consider the person who was rude to us was actually simply preoccupied? Certainly the views might change were the OP to have given an actual example of a hostile interaction. What would you have us do? Just post "awww you poor thing"? Is that what the OP was looking for? Can I suggest that anyone who wants pure sympathy starts their post by saying "I am just looking for sympathy here, not suggestions for understanding the situation or putting it right".

Bluebell - half the problem is I never know when she'll be there or not - she works from home 'sometimes' and when I took on the collecting I had no idea she would be doing this - so I arrive with my gs and if she's there I fill with dread. They are vague and disorganized and hadn't arranged after school care so asked me. I would never have taken it on if I'd known she'd be at home. In the summer I will take a picnic and just go to the park! Thank you.

Anja - love your suggestion - thanks.

Caramel - thanks for the empathy - when she comes down she interferes and may make a comment - "don't you want your sandwich cut up?" "Don't scatter those pens around like that" I can't stand her. I would never interfere. I find it so hard to block her out. Its my remit to be in charge for those hours and the gs doesn't know what he's supposed to do when she interferes. What a ££££ £££ she is. I accept her role as mother and in charge otherwise of course.

Yogabuddy - yes she is lucky and that is the bottom line! Thanks for your comment.

Icanhandthemback - if only there was. I live in the city and that would solve everything but they live in a village with nothing. I do spend ages walking back which is great as its lovely to be outside. and yes, the journey back to mine really is too much I agree.

I have tried changing my feelings towards her but it makes no difference - there she always is with her cutting comments.

jefm - thank you so much. Its very consoling reading all your imput and to know there are you folks out there knowing just how I feel and how upsetting these dils can be. If only we could rise much higher above them they really are so ridiculous aren't they?

I often wonder if she is simply jealous of me - she wants to be Queen all the time. As grandmas we find it easy to enjoy and get on with the gc - that's the point of being a grandma but as parents we get far more flack from the kids as we know. its hard isn't it but chatting about it here is so helpful.

This morning I was in such dread of her being there that I phoned my son to ask if she'd be there or not but the sons are quite hopeless - at least this one is - and he just want to avoid the issue. He has said she can be a £££ sometimes but still he just wantas the proiblem to go away and I know he thinks it my job to do that. Its the easiest way out for him to expect me to keep my mouth shut whatever and to collect his son from school. He also knows I would be sad not to see my gs.

I've worked very hard to develop a good freindship with the gc as I wanted to give the parents what I never had and the rewards are fab. Yes the downside is I have to put up with the meanspirited, petty, interfering dil

I cannot thank you all enough for all your replies. I feel supported by you all which I hope will help next time she is THERE.

Its hard not involving the son as he is the one I make arrangements with e.g Can I have my gs for a day at half term etc.
Fingers cross she stops working from home 'sometimes' and that she tells me or the son does when she is there so I can spend ages walking home - weather permitting - and adapt things to the fact she's at home

Finally do you think I should make sure they tell me when she's working at home? I don't she'll be willing to let me know and my son is the 'forgetting' type. Sould I send him a short text to ask every morning? It all seems a bit much and small minded. Ant suggestions gratefully received.

I would but her some flowers with a card telling her she’s a great mum, thanking her for letting you spend so much time with your grandchildren and then try to unclench.

You can’t get on with everyone and seeing your grandchildren and your relationship with them is paramount. Don’t jepodise that.

If needs be go to the park with him. Don’t clean up after her that’s not your job. Smile and nod.

Showergelfresh thank you for the example of the behaviour that's been upsetting you. It's fairly minor but I can understand how it would put you on edge if you suspect she's doing it with a view to undermining you. In the winter, when you can't really take the little boy out somewhere, could you still collect him from school and take him home, leaving him there in her care if she is there? That would be a compromise whereby she can't complain you're getting her in trouble with work.

Or... how about this - stay there with him UNTIL the DIL makes one of her comments that you don't like. Then without making any fuss, get your coat and leave, saying "I'd best be off now, see you tomorrow". After a few repeats of this, she may twig what sort of comments you don't like hearing, and start to restrain herself! Subtle training.

At times, I have been tempted to say " that's ok I resign. You can hire a Norland Nanny!"

Oh gosh just read your update.

No don’t honestly you are building this up way too much and I honestly know how easy that is to do as I am prone to over think things too.

If she’s working she can’t be around that much? Could you just block her out when she does come down or if she says things like she did about the sandwiches maybe she’s just trying to input and not getting how annoying you find this.

It’s do tricky but keep eyes on the prose which is a life long independant relationships with your grandson. Worth this small irritation. Xxx

Showergel I totally get you. Isn't it awful when something that works well changes. I would hate that too. There you are enjoying your grandson and able to be completely natural and at ease with him. And it's so good of you to help out even if you do have the pleasure of being with grandson. I suggest you act as you would if she's not there. It may be hard but practice makes perfect. And when the weather is brighter you can get out a bit with him. Just try not to stress over it. Life changes all the time. This may change too and your grandson will grow up quickly and not want you so much so make the most of it. The advantage is if there is something you get the opportunity to do on one of these days you can say I can't come and daughter in law can cover for you. And be confident and assertive.

Maybe you and your grandson could shop for a nice little tray, a small kettle (or a vacuum flask) and a mug. Maybe some small storage jars for tea, coffee and biscuits. Maybe your grandson could choose a mug with 'Best Mummy' on it or 'Shhhh! Mummy's working!'. You can get personalised mugs online. She needn't come down to make coffee!

I can't find any reference in the OP to clearing up after her!

(You say 'they' are ungrateful. I think they should at least reimburse your travel costs.)

However...
My own daughter was perfectly horrible to everyone after her first child was born. Nobody realised how badly she was suffering with post natal depression, even though her behaviour was wildly out of character. I beat myself up regularly for not understanding what was going on. She told me, subsequently, that she was panic stricken every moment of the day, trying to protect her little one and 'get it right'. She has managed to turn herself around with the help of a therapist. Who knows what level of guilt your daughter-in-law is feeling because she has had to (or chosen to) go back to work?

I think you just need to smile and put up with it for now, if your gs is 4 then he will be at school soon and you may not be needed

I can't see where the OP says she clears up after DILs coffee.
She said she 'dries up to a wreckage' which I took to mean she feels like a wreck in her DILs presence.
Other than that I agree with others. If you're happy looking after your GS then carry on and try to tune out DIL, if it's too much just tell them you can't do it any longer, make up some other pressing engagements that prevent it.
Don't fgs say you can't stand being in the same house as DIL.
Good luck.

You could perhaps ask her if it would be easier for her if your grandson came to your place on the days that she is working at home.

If she accepts, the problem is solved, if not you will need to try to accept that as Jaycee suggested that your DIL is not being rude when she is "mooching about" but concentrating on her work.,

And no, it is definitely not crazy that she won't collect him on the days she is working at home. She is WORKING and it is quite immaterial that she is doing so in her own home. She needs to concentrate on her work and neither have to break off to collect her son, or to wonder what he is doing while she is working.

Please try to re-read what you have written. What advice would you give someone who wrote the same about her DIL?

I know, we all do, that the mother-in-law daughter-in-law relationship is more often difficult than not, but could you try to accept that you and she may just have got off on the wrong foot? Make a list of her good points, you mentioned her bad ones, but didn't give examples, so it is difficult to know whether you are justified in feeling as you do, or not.

It is possible to read your post and feel that you DIL probably feels that you took an unreasonable dislike to her when first you met. If that is what she feels, she is actually trying to make an effort by letting you see the children. You feel she dislikes you, could you both be mistaken?

I must be missing something here, I honestly don't see why you should be hurt by your DIL asking whether a sandwich should be cut up or not, and she has a perfect right to tell her son or even you not to scatter pens around in her house.

Of course I can't hear her tone of voice, so the remarks may have been rude, but I get the impression that this poor girl can't do anything right in your eyes.

Sorry if this offends you, but if we all just tell you how right you are things aren't going to change.

Try to see this from the other side! Your DIL whatever she may or may not think about you is happy for you to care for her little one either in her own home or yours, she clearly trusts you enough for that! You don’t say if the criticism is open or just implied and if the latter are you sure it’s not just that you are very different characters? Remember your son thought enough of her to want to marry her and have a family so she must have positive points too!
Working from home is not a cop out, it’s WORK which means she is just as unavailable as if she was at the office. You wouldn’t expect her to leave her job to do the school run so why do you feel she should stop work at home to do it! I presume her employer is paying her accordingly. As for making a coffee, as others have said whether at home or work she is entitled to get herself a coffee and unless she has asked (and you agreed) to doing washing up then that’s not your problem and you shouldn’t feel aggrieved about doing something by your own choice
My advice would be try to find things to do outside the home with the little one for at least an hour something like the library or park or even a soft play or a trip around the shop, it doesn’t have to be expensive.

If she's working from home and home is near the school I can't understand why you need to be there it's her child and she should be prepared to look after him without relying on you

sylviann The whole point of working from home is that you are working! You would not expect to be able to take the child to your office from school and mind them while working! And this is no different! Her employer will be paying her to do work not look after her child if the OP can’t manage the arrangement she will need to think about ways around it such as going to her own home or taking DGS out for an hour to cut back on time spent in the house.

I think the point is that the OP is effectively in charge of the child after picking him up from school and the daughter in law should show her gratitude by respecting that and not making or implying petty criticisms of the way sandwiches are cut or pens used. She clearly isn't too focused on work to notice what's happening between her son and his grandmother. One of the reasons people regularly work from home in my experience is for the flexibility in working hours it offers them. An hour or so missed late afternoon could be made up once the children are in bed.

The OP is making a 1.5 hr round trip by public transport and shanks pony every day to collect the child from school. That to me is quite a commitment and one which the daughter in law should be extremely grateful for. I think she should be the one making the effort to be more pleasant and appreciative rather than the OP.

I'm disturbed by the inference that the OP is not offered a lift home afterwards but left to make her own way home.

I think I might reconsider the extent of my commitment.

I am sorry - but I think you have been slightly unreasonable? If she is working - she is working, whether from home or not. If your Son was working from hime - would you expect him to stop and pick up GS? Also, her comments, just sound like mothering to me. She cannot undermine you in her own house. My DD's/DIL say the same sort of things - absolutely no offence taken at all. She cannot 'interfere' with her own child. Your phrasing 'these dils' 'they are so ridiculous' don't help. You should be working as a tem for your GS. Both on the same page and supporting each other.

showergelfresh - it's clear you think your dil has invaded your space and I can see how the dynamic must change when you move from just you and gs in the house to the three of you. However, the level of animosity you feel is extremely unhealthy - I can't see any way that this feeling is not being transferred in some way to your gs who will sense the atmosphere. You need to be grown up, and have the discussion with your dil about why she feels she has to make her judgemental comments that you find offensive. It's clear that your childcare role is both valued and wanted otherwise your son and dil would be paying somebody else to do what you do. So it would seem sensible to sort this problem out now before it poisons the relationship between you and your grandson and the other little one. I know you bite your lip and smile sweetly but if the way she speaks to you is offensive and grinding you down you need to deal with it in an adult way.

We had a referendum.
The HoC didn’t like what we voted for.
Mp’s of both main parties have tried to thwart the implementation.
Even if their constituencies voted overwhelmingly to Leave (yes I’m looking at you Yvette Cooper whose Leave vote in your constituency was 70%).
The E.U. don’t want us to leave.
They need our money.
They ask us (supposedly weary of it all) ‘Tell us what you want’.
Which of course would then have to be agreed by ALL 27 member states.
It will never fly.
Understandably they need to make it really hard for us to go.

Time to get up off our knees & keep begging for concessions.
Time to tell them (as we should have done at the outset) we are leaving on WTO terms and keeping our £39mil.
This will help mitigate some of the transition.
Add to that £50 mil a day that we will keep.
That will help too.

Time to stop moaning and giving up.
Get up off our knees.
And get on with it.

Urmstongran Did you mean to post this here?

Urmstongran, I think you accidentally posted in the wrong thread

Am I missing something because I can't see where the op has said she washes up after the dil. On the days she works from home I would continue to collect the child from school and drop him off home and after he has had his biscuit and milk or whatever is the normal after school snack I would go home. If you don't hang around on those days and she has to look after her son and work maybe she will reevaluate the whole wfh business and go back to how it was. Can't see any need for you to hang around once you have got him safely home and it means she wouldn't have to break up her day to collect him.

She is the parent. It is her house. She cannot interfere, she has an absolute right to parent her own child regardless of what 'help' is there.

I will leave a cautionary note. My husband sent for his mother to keep an eye on our children in our house before Christmas. I was visiting my gran in hospital so was not present. He told our eldest to stop doing something and his mother snapped back at him at that he was 'interfering' and that she was 'in charge'.

He threw her out of the house in response, and barring 20 minutes on Christmas Day, has not let her back in since. He has communicated to her and my father in law that they are now permanently unwelcome in our home.

She tried to raise this with him at the weekend (again, I was visiting my gran and was not present at this visit; he had taken the children up to her house).

He reduced her to tears by shouting at her for an hour about 'overparenting' him and has decided to cut off all her contact with the children for some time, probably until the summer.

I expect that when she sees the children again, this issue will come up with him again and at that point he intends to go no contact with her permanently.

I would seriously caution you against getting into a conflict of authority on this point. I appreciate that you feel happier when you can do whatever you want with your grandchildren, but these are your daughter in law's children and you are in her house. This is not a fight you can win. She has the right to have final say on what they can do in her home.

Whatever solution you find to the problem, please be very wary of poking the sleeping dragon.

Agree with you Urmstongran but believe you have posted on the wrong thread.

All this anxiety is really not good for your health. In my opinion you're being taken for granted. I would say that when daughter in law works from home that she must collect grandson from nursery as it's so close to home or arrange for a friend to collect him and care for him until 5 o'clock. Childminders will often do this. Ask son or daughter in law to let you know the night before if you'll be needed or not and say that if you don't hear from them then you'll take it they won't need you for the next day. Their problem if they don't contact you. I bought 3 small children up on my own and never once asked my parents to have mine and they lived in the next road. My children, my responsibility and had to organise my life around them. I do realise things are harder and times have changed and in most cases it needs both parents to work to survive but they should find a registered childminder and not rely on aging parents. As other's say, your dear little grandson with will soon be going to school but remember, school ends at 3.30 in the afternoon so who is going to pick him up then and look after him until 5pm? I can clearly see that you love him with all of your heart and you adore being with him but you should be in a relaxed atmosphere to enjoy each others company. I too would expect to have a lift home. Good luck and look after you too.