Not living near daughter

Daddima
No-one has mentioned a £100 airfare.

I have two grandsons in Holland, and they come and visit for xmas for a week or two and a couple of shorter visits at easter or summer. In between we do skype and I have managed to go there a few times too - the older one is nearly 4 and often says he wants to come visit me/us. They live a five minute walk away from their Dutch Granny who looks after them at least once a week, but they still like me when I see them! Now I am learning Dutch as there is a third one on the way in August and I would like to try and talk to them in their mother tongue. I spose I am lucky that my son will pay for me to fly there, and that I get on well with my daughter in law. It is hard - so we do manage to keep in touch enough for them to know who I am, and my son and DIL have put up photos of all their family members on one wall. I suppose in my rambling way I am saying that they can still have a good relationship even if you don't live round the corner, and when they are older they can have granny holidays with you, which I am looking forward to.

I’m guessing that your daughter moved to IOM as her husband was there, so it’s her choice, but I’m sure she didn’t take that decision lightly. Nor do I expect that she would want you to walk away, you’re her mother.
I have a similar situation...when my daughters children were very small, she actually moved nearer to us, even though her husband still works part of the week in London. But she has support from us, which she didn’t have previously. She has been able to things that she couldn’t have done without some support. The other grandparents live about 3 hours away and they don’t see them that often, but the other grandparents make no effort whatsoever to relate to the children. They don’t know the grandchildren because they make no effort to know them. The answer is in your hands....you may not see your grandchild as often, but could the visits be longer when you do go, enabling you to bond with the child and keep that relationship strong by Skype etc. Will your daughter not visit you too? Grandparents all over the world have long distance relationships with their grandchildren, it’s a symptom of our mobile society. I have a friend who’s grandchild is 5000 miles away and has a wonderful relationship with him, because she makes sure she has! If you walk away, you won’t put it out of your mind, you will just wonder what you are missing.

Who is on the group chat and why do they need to chat if they live near each other/ How did you find out? Truly t'is the work of the devil , this new fangled steam driven internet.

Take time to read all the good advice given here. Don’t upset your daughter at what should be a happy time, don’t let jealously prevail.

I am the distant gran, and only get to see my GC every other year. I do know that the other gran helps out the way I wish I could, so I send her a letter or card every few months and be sure to thank her for helping to raise OUR grandchildren.

Silvercat I think most of the posters on this thread really do understand your feelings.
In my case half my sons and more than half my grandchildren live on the other side of the world, and for me it is like a bereavement that never eases, BUT, you are more lucky than I can say, because it is your daughter on IoM, and that is a much stronger bond than the mother son relationship, and not so far away!
I am SO grateful for the opportunity to have live video chats.

Silvercat...I wouldn't be surprised if you've switched off as someone has suggested. You probably expected more comfort and understanding and support from the other grannies on here. Instead in many cases you got rude replies, totally unnecessary. Instead of being quick to judge when people don't even know you, they should perhaps try to put themselves in your position. We are all human, envy and jealousy affects a lot of us, if not jealousy over some family issue, then envy over something else. All you can do is talk to your daughter, though I would suggest a letter as you can gather your thoughts better, and aren't in danger of flying off the handle if she says something you don't like. And she too, can measure what she says.

silvercatuk I would be interested to know what your daughter said to her partner when he asked if the pushchair would be too heavy for his mum to push. I know what I hope she said!

" You're acting like a spoilt brat " By Niko97

That remark really makes me angry.

I despair of some elements of British womanhood today.

i dont live close to my GD but in laws do. However i am lucky that i see her once a month..no where near enough for me but "she" video calls me all the time (mum does it really) and we chat and she shows me pics shes done and tells me what shes done at the childminders...i love it..i feel like i,m physically close to her but i KNOW she knows me and she loves me cos she tells me and kisses the screen. It was hard but you learn to deal with it..In laws are 20 mins from her..its just how it is. I have whatsapp chats with MIL she is actually very nice! yes i get jealous but hardly ever now, and thats my issue not theirs. At the end of the day i know the in laws love her and really thats all that matters

All you can do is talk to your daughter, though I would suggest a letter as you can gather your thoughts better, and aren't in danger of flying off the handle if she says something you don't like. And she too, can measure what she says.
I really don't think that is a good idea.
It is not the kind of letter I would have liked to receive when I was expecting my first child.

I would trynot to mention my own feelings of jealousy, and try to be there through any anxieties your DD may have, whether in person, on Skype or on the phone. She may well feel rather overwhelmed by her MIL's enthusiasm (but be careful what you say - once said it cannot be unsaid).
It is not a competition to see who can be best granny.

Try to stay positive.

No, please don't walk away from your daughter and grandchild.
You can facetime on your mobile or skype on computer, make a regular thing of it - baby will soon recognise your voice and then face!
If the ferry crossing is so expensive, have you looked into flying over ? Not sure where you live, but Easyjet run flights from several airports at a fairly reasonable cost, depending on when you fly.
When bub is older, you could always have them to stay with you during the summer holidays , which will be a very special time for both of you - I used to go and stay with my mum's stepmother and loved it !
Lastly, you may be underestimating the MiL power - after all, it is your daughter that is pregnant and she will no doubt do things here own way!
PS my MiL was pretty domineering too - I was in Oz when my son was born, yet I still did things my way !!!

Sometimes the truthful answer to an OP request can seem hurtful, when in fact it is meant to be helpful and constructive. Much of the advice offered seemed to me very practical, heartfelt and showed much empathy to OPs situation.

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Silvercatuk, even though I'm not in your situation yet I can totally imagine how you must be feeling. (I can imagine actually that I may be in this position one day as DS lives many miles away and his in-laws are near and if he ever has children I expect definitely to be grandma number 2). You are obviously like me with a lot of love to give. I seriously think you need to explain your feelings to your DD. Let her know how much you'd love to be involved with the baby and that it will hurt you if you are not. One thing is certain which is that your daughter loves YOU and not her mother-in-law who just happens to be near her. It is my bet that, once your daughter gives birth, she will feel so differently about everything... we all know that feeling don't we... and she will then almost certainly understand that you want to involved in the baby's life and she will definitely want you to be. My advice is to contact her regularly, visit her as often as you can, invite her to come to stay any time she feels like it. Try to involve yourself as much as you can with the baby (even if you have to grit your teeth re the MIL) by emails, cards, phone calls, visits. I don't mean bombard them but rather just do it regularly - you will be able to judge what is suitable. In time I think you can have a kind of routine in place. I am envisaging a time when I am in your position and have every intention of saying to my son that I don't want to be second best. I know he would take it on board. Easier with daughters - so best of luck. I am sure you will be a much-loved and valued granny and remember in the future the little one will come to stay with you I'm sure and you'll have him/her all to yourself for a few days which will be lovely. Your daughter will enjoy the break and you'll have a fine time. I love it when my daughter goes away as I take my GS out and about.

My God. Is there some sort of competition on Gransnet these days? Who can be the nastiest?

gonegirl I do think many have, in good faith, offered reassurance and practical suggestions to silvercatuk to help her cope with a difficult situation.
Unfortunately, for whatever reason, she has not felt anybody understood her.
It is a situation a great many GNs know about but OP was not able to hear the advice and help. That has annoyed some people.

I have been in tears many times over this. How do others cope in this situation?
She has asked how others cope in this situation and they have told her and offered practical advice.
She would appear to be over-reacting and is becoming over-emotional about this instead of tackling it in a pragmatic and practical way.
I believe someone gently suggested that silvercat may not be well and her reaction to the situation does seem to be quite extreme.

No need for the kind of remark littlepinkpiggy just made PECS.

Are you all control freaks? Is it 'your way or the highway'?

What happened to compassion and kindliness?

Many have been kind. Some posters are showing frustration at OPs respones, or lack of, to the support & advice offered. I think whilst I might not have said it in the same way littlepinkpig was saying..look st the positives!

I dont think it would be "kind" to either the OP or the DD to encourage the OP to continue down this path, potentially forcing the DD to distance herself further from her mother for her own mental welfare...

But some posters prefer to be percieved as "nice" than to actually be kind, and it is actually a kindness to derail the kind of mindset that the OP is currently on!

Op seems to have disappeared, as she wasn’t getting the replies she wanted.
Perhaps it would be better if she cut the ties and walked away. It would be upsetting for her dd, but much less so than her having to deal with the bitterness and envy the op is displaying?
As pp have said there is nothing op can do about seeing her gc as much as the other gm, unless she moves closer. Does she expect her dd to limit how often her mil visits?
Op describes other gm as pushy and implies she is not very nice, but can we really take op’s word for that, with the obvious jealousy and dislike she is displaying? Maybe other gm would describe op as “jealous and self centred”? Perhaps if op tried to have a decent relationship with the other gm such as Nonnie described.. “The other Grandma lives within walking distance and helps with childcare but that is simply the way it is. She and I have become great friends and sometimes we stay with her when we go over and she comes to us for holidays without the rest of the family. We make the best of the situation and don't make ourselves unhappy about something we have no control over.” things would be so much better, but I suspect that would not suit op’s narrow mindedness.