Not living near daughter

Well my first grandchild was born in NZ and I saw her for the first time at about 10 months the second was born in Belgium the other 5 in NZ and Iteland You have to accept that your children move and live where they do and yes the NZ grandparents live in the next road
I think many of us understand exactly how you feel you are not unique to upset but you have to learn to accept and make the relationship work albeit in a different way
You Silvercatuk are completely eaten up with jealousy
If you can’t have a relationship with your grandkids without being with them then you are the loser and are going to seem a very poor grandma I have a good relationship with all my grandkids although of course closer with the two that now live close by but they all get the same treatment at birthdays Christmas etc.etc they cone to stay with me I go to them and we message and talk

What you are actually saying is if I can’t have it all I don’t want any and that is childish and will hurt you your daughter and the grandkids sort yourself out and become a loving gran in what ever capacitybs available to you

As someone else has suggested, why not move to the IOM? Or at least, suggest to your daughter that you come and stay for a few weeks, to help her, when the baby's born? Then you'll feel more involved. Sadly, at what should be a really happy time, you seem determined to be 'at war' with everyone else in your family who is going to be nearer to the grandchild, particularly the other grandmother. This can only end in tears!

My DGSs co-granny lives close too but she does not choose to be as involved as I do. Attitude is more important than distance.

I refer to her as the mother in law as I don’t know how else to address her on here.
DD's MIL sounds nicer.

The mother-in-law sounds rather like Les Dawson:
"I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps"
(although I understand that in real life he got on very well with his MIL!)

Be the lovely mother-in-law and granny so that they look forward to seeing you. Will they be able to visit you as well?

I don't know where you live but Gatwick to Isle of Man with Easy Jet starts from £53.

return btw

I see that Gabriella already said that about flights, but it is worth repeating.

It may be hurting you but unfortunately you're hurting yourself. Virtually every word of comfort and advice people have offered you've actually turned on them and argued against it. Please try to think it through, you seem eaten up with jealousy which to be honest will not do you or your health any good. People are trying on here to help you so take it in the spirit it is offered.

silvercatuk just wondered if you are still having to work or are retired? If retired would it be possible to buy a small caravan on IOM to use for long visits. Then you could leave some belongings there and go over with a rucksack as has been suggested. Do not despair there are solutions.

Maybe you were just having a lousy 10 minutes OP. COme back.

I don't think you are in the right frame of mind to discuss this with your daughter, please don't.

I have to fly if I want to see my GC or they have to fly here but we do have a close relationship. The eldest was about 18 months when he learned to switch on the Mac and shout 'Grandma'. We Skype a lot but I always leave it to them to call me when it is convenient and I never pressure them.

The other Grandma lives within walking distance and helps with childcare but that is simply the way it is. She and I have become great friends and sometimes we stay with her when we go over and she comes to us for holidays without the rest of the family. We make the best of the situation and don't make ourselves unhappy about something we have no control over.

I am not sure of the correct words but there is a prayer which goes something like this: God grant me the power to change the things I can change, the ability to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.

It's the Serenity Prayer Nonnie

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

I hope you find serenity, silvercat

It does continue.

It does continue. - the prayer does continue

I think the OP has signed off! I am concerned for Silvercat. She appears to have worked herself up into near hysterics, and clearly isn’t in a good frame of mind. I feel for her, but also for her daughter! It seems she is about to lose her mother over a fit of pique that she won’t be the Queen Bee Grandma. I can understand. I am particularly close to my girls, and the youngest has become close to her new partners mother. I have never had to face the before as her previous MIL and my eldest DD MIL are not particularly close either mentally or geographically. I can understand a little the feeling of being usurped. But, I also understand it is my problem, not theirs! I would not jeopardise my relationship with my DD’s or my DGC by being jealous and needy. We have several DM Groups on Messenger for family members, SilverCat can start one up for her DD and SIL. Mine send me pictures of my DGC everyday. Technology has effectively shrunk the world. I suggest she make use of it, and perhaps try counselling?

My eldest daughter lives in Belfast with 3 grandchildren within a five minute drive of her in laws. Your daughter needs to be strong and say I’m doing things my way, set up her own routine and stick to it. You need to FaceTime her at least once a week so that you see your grandchild and your grandchild gets used to your voice. My grandchildren are now aged 3-6 and I am very close to them. They get very excited when I tell them I’m going to visit (I try to go every couple of months) and they are always all over me when I’m there. Build a relationship from the moment the baby is born. Good Lick

Thanks Jalima I'll probably get it wrong again next time but I was vaguely in the right area. Was rubbish at poetry at school as well>

My grandchildren don't live nearby, one I have an hours drive, the other I have to fly to see. I did visit both as soon as I could when they were born and for the faraway one I stayed a week. Photos, skype, then saying a few words in the phone to him and saving like mad for another visit. When I do see DGS he knows who I am and seems very happy when I visit. Other GM lives nearby but doesn't seem to be overly interested though does babysit when asked. I also send little gifts now and again. Nothing expensive eg a book through that Amaz..ing website, a funny hat I knitted for him, just odds and end I think he would like to let him know I am thinking of him. You won't be able to stop any unwanted influence and really it is up to your DD to deal with. Your role is to be DGM no matter how far away you are.

We live a 4 hour drive from our DD & DGC. Her ILs live 5 minutes from us, however they are retired & can visit whenever whereas I still work full time.
Whilst I would love to see more of her & the DGC comparison really can be the thief of joy if you let it be & I am very glad that her ILs are able to help out.
Silvercat please don't miss out on a relationship with your new grandchild.

silverkatuk Not the same I know but for those, myself included. who do not have our grandchildren living as near to as we would like or as my old and very wise gran would say 'within shouting distance 'there is the internet.
As your grandchild grows older 'she /he will begin to recognise you from what they see and hear on screen. Keep this up and although not always in person I guarantee you will never cease to hear 'love you grandma'





.

I am more certain than ever that OP has signed off because she has not heard what she hoped to hear.”There, there, wicked MIL, poor you, selfish DD to live on the IoM” etc etc etc.
Never mind that we know something about being grandparents, about relationships with adult children, or even EasyJet fares to the IoM!
It is frustrating to see someone heading for a relationship train crash, convinced that they are right however much it hurts them, but I can honestly say we have all tried our best. The saddest thing is that other people will be hurt too, not least an as- yet unborn scrap who would like to know they are loved by both grandmas.

Sorry but I think you are determined to do it the hard way! You could FaceTime and telephone and keep in touch or even move. My son lives in Canada with his wife and her family are near to them. They have lots of family get togethers and I am just so glad they love my son and treat him as their own. Stop being so jealous, it is only you that will lose out in the end. Your daughter needs your support now and certainly doesn’t need the stress of you being difficult.

I’m a Paternal MIL and a first time grandparent and it’s been a learning curve, of course I wanted to be closely involved in my granddaughters life but she is not mine and I have no right to feel put out or upset over anything her parents say or do, you are focusing solely on your feelings when in all honesty this is not about you at all!

What do you expect your daughter to do exactly? Shut out her MIL or pack up and move back near you? You can visit and Skype and be as involved as the distance will allow but you can’t stamp your feet and demand to be put first.

If the car ferry is too expensive, can you travel some other way? Would you need a car if you stayed at your daughter's house? Can you leave your car n a safe place near the ferry and just be a foot passenger? Could you move to the IoM permanently or rent out your house and rent over there for a while? Would you feel sympathy for the MiL if your daughter lived close to you and she was far away? Thinking jealous, competitive thoughts about other grandparents is the road to hell ( as Mr Tusk would say!!) and will alienate you from your family. Be the happy, smiley grandmother who visits as much as she can and offers to have your family to stay with you for as long and as often as possible.

Maybe OP is er.......unwell in some way?

I do understand how you feel. My daughter was in Spain when our first DGD was born living very close to MIL, who SIL adores. It was hard but there was nothing I could do but make the most of times I was able to visit. When the second child arrived Spanish MIL looked after him daily whilst DD was at work.

I spoke on the phone and skype, I exchange news by email, photos arrive instantly on whats app and the children always knew who I was, now the children are older they react to me as Grandma and I do not feel left out.

Its harder when a relationship is at a distance, but do not give up it is still worthwhile and can brings pleasure and rewards. Your daughter will need your support, especially if her MIL has ideas that do not coincide with hers, you can still be there for her, modern communications can make a difference. Being there to listen and provide emotional support does not have to be by a physical presence.

silvercatuk I do feel for you, so much. You sound so dreadfully upset. Almost despairing. It must have been hard to discover that group chat that you were not included in. Can't you ask your daughter if you could be included in that?

I think you should tell your daughter how you feel. She probably has no idea. In fact, could you the money to go to the IOM in the near future? I think you need to be with your daughter for a while.

I do hope things go well for you.