Feeling Used and Abused

Yes, do babysit, as you get to spend a bit of time with the grandchildren. It doesn’t sound as if any of this is their fault. Could you arrive a bit earlier so it is not just a quick handover? Or not rush away as soon as she gets back?
Maybe fix a date for her to bring the grandchildren over whilst you are there. It is harder to refuse face to face.

This sounds very much like the situation with my daughter which started a couple of years ago. I didn't know why she kept me at arm's length after we'd always had a close relationship - and am still not really sure. It caused me a lot of heart-ache and- searching but I hung on in, mainly for the sake of my 2 young granddaughters, but also because she's my daughter and I love her unconditionally - which I tried to show in whatever ways I could. I've always made the most of any opportunity to see my dgds and show them I love them even though I don't see so much of them. It's slow progress but things are gradually improving. So my best advice to you and your husband is to do whatever you can to keep the relationship open, and have plenty of patience! I do hope it eventually works out for you all.

Do the babysitting, and see how the land lies in her house when you are doing it. It's not the children's fault that their mother is creating distance between them and their grandparents so be the support for them if not for her. I can see how you feel that the text always comes when you're needed to do something but if you think of this as not something you're doing for her but something you're doing for yourselves - laying down some sort of relationship between you and your grandchildren, it might be easier - make yourselves the beneficiaries of your action, rather than thinking of it as giving in to her demands on you. something lovely out of it instead of her getting

NanaPlenty I feel sure something is going on with your daughter and it may have nothing to do with you - in the sense that you are not the cause of her being distant, not in the sense that it is not your business!
Please do the babysitting, just hang in there, you don't know what is actually happening. Be a quiet support. She is your daughter. When a member of a family is found to be becoming more distant by all the family, my first thoughts are, is she under the influence of a man who is controlling her and cutting her off from you all? He might seem like a wonderful person to you, but he could well be a dangerously controlling man indoors with her. Be patient and try not to put pressure on her. Don't lose touch, please. Even though you are not to blame, take it on the chin and say you didn't mean to upset her, that you just miss her and you'd love to see the children and look after them for her. Stay in touch. Be open, don't ask any questions or you will drive her away. But be there to support her in case there is a crisis.
I have seen this before, in case this all sounds a little over the top. I hope it is simply an innocent explanation, such as that she is a bit over-tired. However, I really want to urge you and her father to be patient, put up with her and be there for her, please.

Yes I completely agree with what you are saying.

Weve tried offering more support, aren't supposed to pop in and she had told us to forget she asked us to babysit! Believe me it's not giving up but what more can we do.

NanaPlenty
You clarify things a lot when you explain; "My hubby (her dad) is trying but she won't see him. He's written to her explaining his concerns and also telling her we love her and miss her." I think you are in for a long-haul here. You are, most of al,l going to need to support your husband. He is definitely going through a horrible situation. Try and persuade him to do the babysitting just to see the children. I hate to speculate, but there isn't much else one can do in this thread, so I have wondered what the girl's natural mother is saying about her father and you? I suspect there may be a "divide and rule" faction going on whereby her mother is ensuring that her daughter stays in her camp and is anti-dad. The break up of a marriage, as we know, does not always see people behaving in a fair and just manner. Your step-daughter's mother may well have an influence her that is pulling her away from her father and his new wife - you. I may be wrong, I hope I am, but I thought it worth suggesting even so.
I would repeat though, try not to become involved in any kind of arguments or distress. Look after your husband and comfort him and please do go and see the grand children. See it as a plus that you have been asked to babysit, even if it is a bit like being used.
Lots of love to you both.

Very sorry to read she has asked you to forget she asked you to babysit. Try very hard to remain in pleasant frame of mind and just say that you would be happy to any time she wants.
I'm so sorry to read about this! There is certainly a lot more going on with this step-daughter. I am certain another person has an influence over her.

Parental love is unconditional, even when the child is having a tantrum. Also, this evidently isn't about you.

This is so difficult to advise without knowing the full background. Do you have any inkling why she chooses you to babysit (so obviously has no trust issues) but doesn't like to socialise with you? Has she always been reserved and a bit distant? Does her mother bad mouth her father? If you can't ask her outright as she's a bit prickly, do her sibling/siblings know why she's cutting you out? Do you socialise with them?

As others have said, I would still babysit so you don't lose touch with the GC (although she seems to have withdrawn her request now) and see if you can find out what is at the bottom of it.

It does seem there is more to it.

A couple of people have asked if she has a partner and maybe he is behind it?

Lots of questions but all I could say to you without knowing the the answers to the above is babysit when asked, try not to be offended, rise above it, see what happens. Our children do use us to a certain extent. With no choice when small, then as they get older, leave home, have partners and their own social lives we get less important. It's as it should be but not to the extent of never wanting to be in your parents company.

Well, like others are saying, you should babysit. Why risk not seeing the children again? Some of us are used too much as babysitters. You can't accuse her of that! Just enjoy the time you're given. The children will grow up and will have the choice to come and see you when they want to.

I would accept that she only wants you when she needs a babysitter.
To be honest she is probably very busy living her life and you might think that she should make time for lunch but when I was younger with young children I had no time for being social .
She might choose to spend what free time she has with her friends .
Just accept it and don’t force yourself on her it will make her pull away

If she has asked you to forget about babysitting after she has received the letter from her dad, then I am afraid you will just have to accept that for the time being she doesn't want to see either of you.

Her dad did the right thing writing to her expressing his concern and telling her you both love her.

I am afraid she is hiding something, otherwise I can't see why she suddenly doesn't want to see any of the family.

The likeliest is money problems or trouble at work or with her husband or partner, if she has one.

I am sorry, but I think you just have to give way to her right now, and hope that she will come and explain what it is all about one day.

My step-son disappeared completely for a year and as he was in his thirties we couldn't do anything about it - then out of the blue he sent me an e-mail asking if his dad would ring him up as he needed help.

It turned out he had got into debt and been chucked out of his flat. Dh wrote out a power of attorney for him to sign ndt started in ringing the bank and other creditors.

Now ten years later, he has never looked back and is doing fine, so I hope the same happens with your step-daughter.

My daughter gradually alienated all the family except my husband and myself. It turned out that she was hiding a drinking problem. I don't suggest that this is the reason for your stepdaughter's behaviour, but it might be another problem she's hiding and you could maybe help with. I wish you good luck in getting a good outcome. Don't lose contact with your GC as they may need you in the future, and they will want to know that you will be there and love them whatever happens.

Yes I think the grandchildren are the important ones here. I remember feeling overstretched when my children were small and happy to let granny’s see the grandchildren but not me. Probably a lot going on, let it be and lucky you seeing the gc’s. They are the important ones in your relationship.

Thank you all Iam relieved to see Iam not the only one abused
So grateful to read your inputs

Is she in a relatively new relationship? If so, my concern would be it is or has become abusive. One of the things abusive partners do is alienate family and friends.
I would definitely babysit and whilst I wouldn't question the children, I'd be loooking for any changes in their behaviour.

Is it possible that she has a very 'full plate' hence very little free time....does she have a full time job in addition to her other obligations?

These days, most (working) couples jointly manage their household, two jobs, the bills, their children and if there's any time left, a somewhat limited social life. Most weekends are for running errands, cleaning house, repairs/maintenance and laundry....did I mention children with outside activities that require transport and parental participation? Most have limited time with family because of their very busy schedules.

If your daughter needs help with babysitting or you're feeling 'used', it's because you're probably the only people she feels close enough and comfortable enough with to 'use'.

Without a crystal ball, it's hard to tell if something more serious is happening in your daughter's life. You also need to ask yourselves if you had a legitimate prior engagement or other valid reason why you couldn't babysit or was it a matter of pride that led you and/or H to overthink the rest?

Either way, the healthiest approach going forward, will be to assume good faith on her part, keep honest lines of communication open and always be unconditionally supportive.

Er.... Am I missing something here? If the OP and her DH babysit the DD will be out enjoying herself with free childcare and they will NOT see her. They won’t see the DC either, as they will be in bed.

NanaPlenty - I hope you can persuade her to change her mind and let the kids stay with you, even if for a short while such as an overnight visit, do it!
She is obviously under stress and needs the break.
For me - if the only way I can see my DGD is to be taken advantage of, bring it on!

You haven’t seen them for 3 months? What happened at Christmas? They are only 15/20 minutes away.

I am sure you must feel you made a mistake about telling her you felt you were being used so she cancelled the baby sitting. Look at it from her point of view, you say she is jumping to assumptions and maybe you are. I think many families are very busy with work, looking after the home and playing taxi service to children. I think most people would cancel the babysitting if they were told you felt used.

You haven’t mentioned if she has a partner. Yes could well be her mother who is poisoning the situation.

Being hurt and angry won’t help the situation. Maybe you could pop around with some flowers and ask if you can baby sit as it would be great to see the children.

Maybe just help your daughter out see your grandchild - she’s clearly making an in road to whatever relationship issues you have - my personal experience is that grandparents just don’t want to help out anymore.

My daughter is also a very 'distant' girl.....she rings when she wants help with the children. In my case, she knows how I feel about her lazy ex-husband. She still helps him financially and I get really mad ....but I don't say anything in front of the children.
Sometimes I feel she cares about her lying, cheating Ex, than me.
SO, my advice would be to keep on babysitting because that's your chance to see her and the children. Good luck!!

Have you asked her if anything is wrong? :-(

Is it possible that your SD is depressed.
I am just coming out the other side of that illness.
I withdrew from family and friends and made excuses not to go anywhere. I still feel panic stricken at the thought of going anywhere. The youngest child is only two, could she be suffering post natal depression?