Frequency of visiting grandchildren

Would it be possible to Facetime your grandchildren either each night or twice a week. Technology has made it possible so why not ask the parents if this could be arranged.

I am lucky because at the age of 86 I finally became a great grandma to my one and only great grandson. I will be 89 in May. I live a few miles away from my Great Grandson BUT I see him most nights on Facetime because my granddaughter does not want me to be left out and he has got to know me and blows me a kiss when saying Bye Bye.

@Suzigran Wow to your second message-

You are a Saint

@Suzigran I know I have got all this to come and it makes me feel dreadful -

the first GC is on the way for both sets of GP -

DIL family is massive and overbearing DS only child -

and my ex-other half has a 'partner' now to add to the mix-

I feel sure I'd be last on the list when it comes to seeing and caring for my GC-

I will do Skype or similar when it happens and try to get on with my life

You sound a lovely mother in law and granny. I think you are all trying your best to manage all commitments. Your DIL must be absolutely shattered. I am certain you would be a huge asset to the family if you lived nearer and could just call in but your visit obviously has to be arranged. I have 3 daughters and 3 grandchildren all living with a mile. Let me tell you that I undertake child care but hardly see them at weekends. This is because that's when they have their time with their husbands and go ut with friends or their children. We do go on holiday together and out for mals. They come to us and we to them for perhaps a drink early evening. I do realise that my daughters are very pressured with work and children. I just support as I can. Please don't think this young woman is in anything but tired with a head full of tasks and responsibilites. Do say I' d like to give you all any support you'd like. My daughters' in laws never offer any support only want energy and time to be spent on them. Thinking of you.

Suzigran. I am not at all sure that things are easier with daughter’s children. I have just returned from a garden centre trip with my DD,SIL, GS (10) and GD (5). . They live a five to ten minute walk away from me . This is only the second time I have seen my GS and third time my GD since Christmas ! We all get on well, but both DD and SIL are nurses ,working shifts and constantly have to juggle work,school and child care. I am also a widow and would love to see them more often.
My other grandchildren -two GDs(13 and 11) live 300miles away with their Dad and lovely Stepmum . I lost their Mum, my younger daughter 9 years ago.
I saw them for one day last August when they finally returned to stay with their Dad’s Mum near me.That was the first time for 18 months. I get on well with their Stepmum and Dad, but again ,work (shifts for Dad and a busy cafe for Mum) ,school and distance make it difficult to see them often. I don’ t have a car and public transport is a nightmare between here and where they are.The girls are growing up fast and I feel I haven’t been able to build a strong relationship with them , but they are both very loving when I do get to see them. Hopefully this will last.

We have no set times, but at least once a week, even if it is only for half an hour, but usually more. My DD's pop in any time they want, open door, as I do with them, but usually we ring first to say put the kettle on! Really not sure how it will pan out when my DS and DIL have children though? Maybe not such and easy thing. It is sad that everyone is so time poor nowadays and relationships have to be scheduled. I think the fortnight visits sound fine if it works, but if you want more time, ask if its possible?

Thanks ! I looked it up & it's 'Original Poster' glad it's not Old Person anyway !! I'm new to forums as mentioned. Useful to see there is a key under acronyms on Gransnet but OP is not listed - there must be other newcomers to forums in general surely ?!
I didn't have parents or parents in law around when my children were young. The only grandparent alive was my mother who was unable /unwilling to get involved. This was a pattern. She left my father & I when I was 4 years old. Thereafter, I saw my mother and her then new 3rd husband 3 times a year, when I would be taken to stay with them for 3-4 weeks during the school holidays. This went on till I left school. She moved 7 times whilst I was growing up so I frequently went to places I didn't know. She went back to work part time when I was a teenager so I was left in the house alone during the day. I spent my time reading all the books in the house. ) My father died when I was 26, I married at 27 and when my children were very young, my mother was widowed ( she had come back to live in the same town with my stepfather a few years before.) My mother being on her own became very demanding, & expected me to rush over when she was in 'distress' frequently. In the end my husband & I decided to live nearer to her so that I didn't have to keep bundling baby & toddler in the car to help. It was an extremely stressful time. In the end we got a live in companion for her but they tore their hair out, she was struck off the local GP list for her excessive demands. At one stage we took in daily meals to her ( I minute late & she was on the phone !!) Eventually, she had a series of strokes & had to go into a nursing home...they had their work cut out ! So..... I have no role models / experience & I do want to get it right !!

I remember when my daughters were little, they only saw their grandparents occassionally as both sets lived a long way away and were all still working. We went to stay with each set for a week during the summer holidays and they came to us at Christmas.
However, once my parents had retired and we moved closer to them, things changed. My parents would just turn up unannounced and expect everyone to be in and to drop whatever they were doing to entertain them. My mother especially would take umbrage if we weren't in - they had a set of our house keys and there would be a terse note to tell us off. One Saturday morning she stormed off because we didn't all jump to attention quickly enough - girls were getting ready for their swimming lesson and I was in the shower.
I'm a grandmother now and my grandson, who is just 14 months old, is in the USA. We just made him and his parents as welcome as possible when they came to stay at Christmas and ask them when it's convenient for us to visit them - and we stay in a hotel!

Or Original Poster or Original Post.

I interpret OP as 'opinion poster', that's you. Click on the word acronyms - under 'Gransnet forums' at the top of the for a full list of abreviations.

I wonder if the OP invited her own parents or in-laws to stay fortnightly; that's terribly restricting. I am lucky to live near both my daughters and see them and the grandchildren regularly in the week, but leave them well alone at the weekends, unless asked to babysit, as that is their family time. Maybe the OP should consider moving closer and then just pop in for shorter times without having to actually stay overnight.
My own parents and in-laws lived over a 3 hour drive away, but luckily in the same town, so we could visit both in the same journey and we went to see them about 8 times a year. They came to ours for their holidays (we live on the coast) three times a year, separately. No problems with bonding; our children remembered and loved their visits.

We're all different and so are our families. Circumstances and people change and those clear eyed beaming babies gradually grow up.
When she was 4 I started collecting one GD from school on Fridays. This became a commitment to every weekend and school holiday. Pleased to help initially, eventually I sometimes felt exploited. We did become very close and have some wonderful memories. Now I don't grudge a minute of my time and regret that I ever had negative thoughts. She drifted away emotionally in her mid teens as so many young people do. She made some mistakes (don't we all?!) but now has a qualification, a job she enjoys and a much loved child. Lack of time and transport means we don't meet often but we still have a close bond.
About FaceTime - I find having one or two hand puppets available keeps toddlers interested for longer and also can help draw out shy older children.

Thank you ! .... & OP please ?

Suzigran - Welcome! You'll be surprised and pleased, I hope, to gradually realise how much friendship and support there is on these boards. AIBU can sometimes be a place of disagreement, even strife, but there are so many other places to go.
D is dear or darling, not everyone uses it. When first on I was surprised how many people had doctors in the family. Then I caught on that GP was grandparent!
Enjoy Gransnet ?

Suebcrafty, not at all upset by your post., don't worry. We all have different experiences, perceptions and probably friends who are grandparents - I have a couple of local friends who see their GC once and twice a week respectively, go on holiday with them etc. It makes me feel wistful ( but I don't say ) However, I know how important it is to keep positive, & appreciate anytime we have with GC. Life isn't easy for young families whether they have good jobs or not, hopefully we can understand their pressures ( having been there even if in different ways ) and be a blessing in whatever way we are able - however little or great out physical time is with them. Oh, dear didn't mean to be preachy, just an opinion, for all post readers.

So interesting to read your comments, thanks to all. I joined Gransnet only a few days ago & yesterday was my first post ever. I've never been on any internet forum before, so good & helpful to hear different takes on situations. Have deciphered most of the abbreviations but what is OP please & D before e.g. husband ?? DGS also ? Can't be daughter's grandson, Dear Husband, Dear Grandson ?? Am I being dense, sorry ?!

I have 3 sons,all married but only 2 have children,and 3 grandsons aged 6(7 soon),7&9. The 7 year old live 90 minutes away by car and both parents work so we don’t see him very often usually 3-5 times a year and the other 2 grandsons live 30 minutes away by car and both parents work but I usually see them more i.e at birthdays,school holidays and Christmas mainly because I can get there by bus (even though I have to catch 3 buses ) as I don’t drive but I don’t remember my parents seeing my children as often as weekly or fortnightly even though they were 1 bus ride away and I definitely didn’t see my grandparents on a regular basis,maybe saw them 2-4 times a year, as they lived in Bristol and my parents moved to be near Heathrow airport where my dad worked. So I don’t see this why some people get obsessed with seeing their grandchildren weekly or fortnightly. Sorry if I have upset anyone with my post

I don’t bother about formal visiting arrangements. I keep ‘open house’ for Sunday dinner, and whoever wants to come just turns up. It’s usually most of the family, which is hard work, but no real problems, and I get to see everyone.
Other visits are as and when, providing I’m available, and naturally for any emergency.
It seems to work for us, but I do feel closer to DDs children as they live near me.
Everyone is different, and you can only do what suits your family, but with everyone being so busy these days, we grans must be happy with whatever contact our children see fit to allow - their children, their rules.

I have one GS and see him all the time because he lives near and my daughter works. But if and when my DS has children I imagine I won't see them that often (as he doesn't live near) which I know would upset me. Call me an old softie, but I'm with the OP and would love to be surrounded by them every week actually. I had 4 grandparents all of whom I adored and saw constantly so this is normal to me.

It is easier with daughters children. I was very close to first gs and looked after him the week baby was born as they stayed in hospital.He still asks for me but I haven't got to know baby as Nanny now looks after both.
My sons son comes here twice a week after school but he is growing up and more interested in computer etc than talking to me.I don't mind but laughed when I asked him whether he would take me out when he learns to drive. Probably not he said.?

Well I instinctively agree that it must be easier with daughters children. But only my son has had children. And from my experience as a mother who moved away with child and stayed away when second born I can only be grateful at the patience of their gran. My mum. She came up to stay a couple of times a year and we, and later just the children, went to stay with her. In between times she sent them little gifts and thoughtful contributions to coats and shoes. Children don’t forget this. The other gran my husbands mother was always negative never sent presents or money but did come up and stay a couple of times. I never felt I was good enough. She cut off all relations with us when I divorced her son. But when my children graduated she wrote to them asking whether they ever thought of their grandmother? I encouraged the children to write to her.. but they refused because in their eyes she hadn’t been there for them as children. Equally they had an aunt in America (my husbands sister) and she always remembered their birthdays and sent thoughtful things. They are still very close.
So now I am a gran to my son’s children. His wife’s parents visit very often and they have many shared holidays or they look after the children when parents go away. I have never been allowed by my DIL to have the children for an hour alone and I am not offered any access except very organised visits about three times a year. I’ve had to stop fretting about it. My son often FaceTimes and sends me little videos where they are saying ‘happy Saturday granny’ very to script but I’m grateful. and things like that. And I send them little gifts in the post. And pay towards anything they want. And be patient. That’s all I can say really. Except OP seems really kind and accepting. So good luck whatever you work out.

Suzigran: I read your post with real interest because I think that there are so many perceived problems (or as the current favourite word puts it: "issues") which aren't. I may go on a bit so I apologise in advance but, for what it's worth, this is my take on your situation.
Firstly as you're on your own I think you are definitely spending too much time thinking about things (which I do too even though I have a husband!). If your son and daughter in law have three children, one of whom is still very much a little baby, and I think you said your daughter in law is still working , I'm sure they don't feel as if they've got much time to think outside their immediate family. I sometimes think that we grandparents put ourselves in a more important position than we should and I know that if my mother or in-law had asked to have a fixed visit of once a week (or even two weeks) I would have run a mile....even though I loved seeing both of them. I think it's well documented that little children are quiet when picked up from school or nursery as they've just had a very energetic time with lots going on in their heads. No doubt you see other children full of chatter but children are people and have their own personalities. I would urge you not to give up on Skype;FaceTime. Of course you can't expect a four year old to want to sit and have a conversation for long but children grow! I have five grandchildren (very spread out and three of them not in the UK) and it's interesting to see how the six year old may give me a wave in passing but my granddaughter who is 12 will happily chat for half an hour or so and "take me" (via her iPad) to hear her play guitar or show me her artwork. Just be patient!! Finally, regarding daughters, I know the mother/daughter relationship is close but MIL/DIL can also be close - just different. In fact my two daughters in law sometimes confide that their mothers drive them slightly mad sometimes as they interfere so much!! Hope this helps a bit

I feel it’s so hard to generalise in these situations, as we are all very different and we all have differing relationships with our adult children and their partners, male or female. Some want more GC involvement than others. I think it was a good idea asking DIL about visiting, as some would welcome involvement, others seem to resent it. It’s one area of my life where I’ve been very fortunate, my 3 have wonderful partners and I’ve been the main Nanny for childcare to all 5 GC as 2 of the other Nans live far away and one sadly died. I’m always for talking things thro with the parents and resolving any perceived issues as/when they arrive, as it’s impossible to judge what others are thinking/feeling. Just make the most of anytime you have with GC and the bond will be there as they grow. You can always phone, Skype, email etc just maintain contact as and when. Then when they are teenagers, they do their own thing anyway, but will always know where to come when they need someone, as you’ve always been there in their background.

I have three sons four grandchildren thought it was the most loveliest thing to be a Gran but the dissapointment of visits and being told to come up when it suits them has made myself and husband quite upset.i realised as the mother of sons you take second stance. We now go when it suits us both and we don't drop everything when they say it's ok to visit. We have decent relationship with them all but I and hubby are very wary now.
.

I don't think it is anything to do with whether you have sons or daughters. I see my 6 GC a lot & I have 2 sons. It just works out that way. They do only live 30 mins away - in different directions- so it is an easy drive for me. They stay over with us a lot as weekends- which they love as we do a lot of cooking/ craft etc with them & I am able to pick them up from school if required.
I would suggest having them for a weekend so your son & DiL can have a special night out or friends over for dinner or something.
Some of our best weekends have been when both sons going out & all 6 staying- actually easier than 3 & 3.
Just be glad they are not in Australia or somewhere like that where you would see them very rarely..