Son traumatised

Because the son hasn't had 5 layers of fat and muscle cut through, or his private parts torn open and stitched up. The Son isn't leaking blood or milk or still numb from the epidural or high as a kite from gas & air. The Son won't have a catheter full of urine or his hormones crashing down or having blood being taken, being proded and poked and within 6-24 hours sent home with paracetomal and a stomach full of staples.

After going through all of that, the lass deserves abit of time to get her head together.

Gonegirl

Not every mum is ready to see her MIL when she isn't at her best. That's up to the mum to decide. Maybe she isn't ready for ANY visitors yet.

Having a baby is about the parents. It's not about the extended family. The parents need to adjust to having a new baby.

How can a visit from the other granny, a no doubt kind and supportive granny, cause any kind of upset to the new mum? I just don't get it. No one's going to have a party at the bedside. Just a loved and loving family member coming to see her new grandson and her own son, now a father himself. And to give love and sympathy, and congratulations, to the new mother.

You do know that the maternal grandmother isn't there to see the baby and get first dibs. You do know she's there to see HER baby, who has just through a traumatic and painful experience. She's there to make sure her daughter is ok? The baby is obviously just there.

The posters making it about Paternal and Maternal grandparents and who gets to see the baby first are making it about the baby and grandparents when it's not at all.
It's about a Daughter just wanting here mum! The woman almost died!

Many women are more comfortable having their own mothers there when they aren't at their best.

Please don't try to compare. It really smacks of what you probably heard when your children were young: "But so-and-so gets to have/do/go to x! Why can't I?" What was your response then?

For the record: when my nephew was born (Bro and SIL's son) my mum was the one they called to watch their older son. SIL's parents live 5 hours' drive away and Mum and Dad only live 2 hours' drive away. Bro and SIL have a great relationship with both sets of parents. So Mum came and looked after my older nephew while SIL went to hospital to have their second son. Mum got to see him before SIL's parents did. (The reason Mum had to come is that Bro and SIL recently moved and didn't know many people in their area.)

Showerhelfresh

Start as you mean to go on is lovely advice. However, Your advice that she should go in and disrupt her son and disrespect his wishes is a great way to show that she is not someone to be trusted around them.

She might find they choose to start as they mean to go on by seeing her VERY sparingly

showerfresh, quite unbelievable. It is the couple who have had the baby ie it is their baby, their family. It is not some strange contest about which Granny can get in first.

Thank God we are in a country where most births are safe. Anything else is a bonus.

quizqueen and showergelfresh the DILs mother was there because HER daughter had just been through a traumatic experience. She was there to look after her child.

And before I'm accused of being a MiL hater, I'm really not. I get on really well with my MiL and she was the only visitor I had in hospital at DDs birth. In many ways I prefer her to my own mother.

minnie exactly what would turning up at the hospital achieve? The OP would have annoyed her son (for disregarding what he had said), her DIL (for not caring that she needed to rest after what had happened) and her DILs mother (for the lack of empathy towards her daughter) and for what? She wouldn't have been able to get in and see them without being told where they were.

Maybe some people do exist in a bubble and think trauma has only happened to them BUT maybe some people lack the ability to see that not everything is about them and that sometimes you have to put other people's needs first. And the needs of a woman who's just given birth should be a priority over an excited grandparent (whether the woman's parents or inlaws) or anyone else. Especially when she's just been through the sort of birth the OPs DIL has!

The DIL could have been really shaken up, crying and stressed. She might not want her MIL there to see that. Why should her MIL get to overrule that? As I said before, expecting women to 'just get on with it' and not allowing them time and space after births like these (or any sort of birth) can lead to PND, the OP has done the right thing by giving them space and time. And the outcome has been fine.

And before it's suggested that the OPs son could have taken the baby out to his mom so that the DIL didn't have to see her, that wouldn't have been possible at the hospital I gave birth at. The babies were tagged and alarms went off if they went out of the ward, as far as I'm aware that's standard practice now.

I’m so glad your son messaged his siblings before you had the chance to force his hand, which you would have regretted.

You’re doing wonderfully giving them their space, Remember, while the hours seem long to you on the outside, I’m betting every minute is accounted while they are in hospital. There is always something going on so I doubt it’s been loads of free time like you suspect.

Try also not to compare Time spent with your daughter-in-law’s mother. It’s possible she was not invited hospital but went anyway.

Congratulations on your new grandchild, I’m so thrilled to hear their family of three is recovering

So glad to hear you have had good news at last; you must have been so worried. Now you can look forward to enjoying your grandson--whenever, knowing he is safe and well.

B9 exchange
YOU are important - don't forget that and the baby will be extremely lucky to have you as his grandma.
Get on in there. Start as you mean to go on. You are his GRANDMA.
xx

B9exchange
My heart goes out to you as the mother of a son who has just had a baby.
We are way down the list compared to the mother of the mother and she will usually be the first to see the new grandchild, the one who spends a week with her daughter and new baby to begin with - the one who is always 'there'.
I feel like weeping just writing to this remembering when my son's second was born and she was 'there' even before I was sent a text to say the baby had arrived.
Needless to say I was taking care of gs number one and was more than happy to...
I was so upset about her being there and me being left out (yet again - I can't bear her!) I went out for a long cycle ride and, not concentrating fell off by cycling over a pot hole and the pedal sank into my leg. I cycled home - only 6 more miles - with a scarf tightly wrapped around the wound, took myself to casualty and had 7 stitches. The scar has a memory of his birth.
Women's lib has a long, long way to go and favouritism of mothers' of mothers is maintained by US!
It is up to them to say to their daughters
"What about hubby's mum - does she get to see her grandson? Does he not deserve his two grannies?"

I've never understood this business of letting the maternal grandmother come round to visit the baby early but the paternal one has to wait. While it is understandable new mums usually turn to their own mothers for extra help in the early days, a baby should have two equal sets of grandparents unless there have been real problems in the family previously. I bought my girls up to regard their grandparents equally and, as mothers now themselves , they ensure the paternal grandparents get their fair share of the action!

minnie, you seem to be very challenged in the empathy department.

You must be so pleased and proud B9 congratulations, now you can all have a bit of breathing space.

Just had a second picture from proud Dad, and breastfeeding is going well, Mum is fine although obviously sore. Phew!

You need to be patient and wait.they need time to recover. Baby needs 24 hour care.and they don't need a lot of people with them.maybe dil can send pic by mobile .but leave them alone till they are ready

Take a back seat and just wait for updates. My DIL had an emergency C section with first and didn't get to see GC for a few days. With second baby I saw GC at 24 hours but probably only because I was taking sibling in to meet the new arrival. After second C section DIL was discharged at just under 48 hours and I got to see the baby at home as I was staying to look after elder child.
It is a very emotive time and emergencies spoil the expectation of the expected delivery.

Dont go near the hospital unless you are invited.I had several miscarriages and lost babies in late stages of pregnancy I never told anyone when I was admitted and not for two days after my last baby was born 11 weeks early.The very last thing your DIL and Son need is a hysterical granny showing up demanding rights to see HER GS .Keep back and show the new family the respect they deserve and the privacy they want .

Minnie. You could’ve turned up. But you wouldn’t have gotten onto the ward and you then may have had to wait weeks or months until they decided to allow you to see the baby for your blatant disreagrd for their rules.
They haven’t been unreasonable and o doubt they’ll ever give a second thought about this aspect of the traumatic event.they are doing the right thing and ensuring that what needs prioritising is number 1.
OP I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. It must be terrifying.
I do believe pp is right in that they may be withholding some info to keep their privacy and not to alarm others. I hope everyone gets gone quickly and safely soon.

I've just had a thought. If they don't want anyone else to know that they've even had the baby yet, let alone visit, I wonder whether they're as confident about the health of the baby as your son implies. Or, even about the condition of the mother... They may want to make sure of that rather than be flooded with congratulations cards just when things are not looking too good. I don't know but my gut feeling here is just wait till you get the green light - which you're doing anyway. I think you're doing the right thing.

Oh good ! Sometimes they exist in a bubble and think trauma has only happened to them . Very relieved for you ! Now the whole family can rejoice xxc

Ps, I would have turned up at the hospital, just saying.....

breathe, honestly, too relieved to type properly!