Son traumatised

I can really understand how you feel, but after all they have been through I can understand how they feel as well.

I think if you can just let them be until they feel ready, you will find it worth every second of wait, in their appreciation of your restraint and the really good start it will give the new relationship of Grandmother and parents.

They are in shock they need to come to terms with what’s happened and hard as it may be you need to give them time and not add to any pressure. They will come round.

First of all, congratulations on your new grandchild. Gosh what a dramatic entrance, and they've had such a very frightening time by the sound of things. It could all have ended so very differently, and for that I know you will be eternally grateful.

You will doubtless have lots of time with your little grandchild once your DiL is feeling more settled, but right now she and your DS both need time to come to terms with what so very nearly happened, and to get to know their new baby on their own. I know you know this, and I do understand how you're feeling, but just leave it to them to call the tune here - your patience and understanding will be so appreciated by the new parents.

I know you are right, or course, I just wanted to let off a groan of frustration in secret, as you can do here! I am worried about DS, who has had a breakdown in the past, it's the mum in me coming out....

Ah B9exchange of course that’s worrying for you - gosh I get that completely. We never stop being mums, do we? Your son now has another little person to be strong for and it could make all the difference to him - try not to worry

Just keep in contact with your DS. Your DiL will hopefully be having lots of care after her absolutely harrowing experience, but Dads can end up on the sidelines even though they have just witnessed terrible things happening to their poor partner. A regular, quiet txt from you saying you're thinking of him will probably mean a lot to him.
Of course you want to run there and be with them all immediately. I'd be exactly the same! You will probably find there's a complete turnaround in a couple of days once things have started to settle. That poor lass - it sounds traumatic to say the least. Wishing you well, and congratulations on your grandchild

I would definitely want to comfort my son so can imagine how you must feel. Maybe say to your son you will make his meals and wash their clothes while DIL is in hospital to help (I would have loved this offer off my MIL)? Show you care and are thinking about them. One thing I've noticed is DIL seem to comment they feel mums only care about seeing the baby so if you offer help for everyone without saying you want to see baby it might end up seeing them a bit sooner, if only in passing. Also congratulations on your grandchild!

Congratulations!!

Good advice here. Something else you could do is contact your dil. She will be feeling dreadful and so disappointed that what should have been a lovely time, turned out not to be.

Have you sent flowers or anything?

Congratulations on becoming a grandmother of course you will want to see your grandson as I did with mine but a little bit of advice I am the mother of three sons and have always been in the background with the grandkids it was always the girls mothers that came first it hurt in earlier years but now I've just come to live with this. You will be invited and I use that would carefully enjoy the time you have and build on it. Good luck.

Congratulations on your new grandson ! It's only natural that you want to be there and see them, but do respect their privacy after a tough time.

I know how your son would feel - sometimes the father is sidelined a bit when these dramas happen. My nephew developed PTSD after sitting with his wife for several days in the labour ward, and seeing things he just couldn't comprehend. I think that the mother often feels more part of the unfolding story, while the father feels so terribly helpless. He might appreciate having someone to talk to after all the drama.

Lots of good advice on here - just a thought for the future, I’ve read on MN that after a traumatic birth, some hospitals offer a ‘debrief’ afterwards and that people have found it very useful. Might be worth just mentioning that ( much later on of course) if it seems that they are finding it difficult to come to terms with what happened. Of course it may well be that they are soon fine but really traumatic births can leave lasting emotional damage which sometimes goes unacknowlwdged as you are supposed to be grateful that everything turned out all right in the end

To tell the truth, if I were in your place, the first thing I'd want to know is if the baby suffered any trauma during that very difficult birth.

I wonder if that's really what's on your mind?

B9 can you contact your DIL’s mother to get a true picture of what is going on?

Good idea, dragonfly!

Yes dragonfly good idea. DiL's mother may also appreciate a chance to talk as she's probably a bit upset and shaken up by what's happened to her girl

My Dil had a traumatic birth with her first. My son, a medical professional really thought they were both going to die. It was hard for them both to recover and put a strain on their relationship. After 5 months my DiL had still not recovered mentally and my son got medical help for her. The hospital said she was suffering a severe case of PTSS and she received therapy. It is now recognised in the medical profession that childbirth can cause trauma. In a previous era, I think she might have been told to ‘be grateful you have a healthy baby and just get on with it’.

Please do not underestimate the effect this birth has on them. Your Headline says that you are already understanding what they have been through so you are very aware to things a the couples pace,

My son, has seen so much horror in his job as a Paramedic, but he said that nothing had prepared him for seeing his wife in childbirth.

Thank you so much for all your really helpful replies. DiL's mum is with them, so they do have someone. I did email her my congratulations, and she also told me they were tired and to wait until they were ready to give a 'press release', and I know I must do that. DiL is still in hospital and likely to remain so for a day or so. I am hoping that once she is home, we will be allowed to visit.

Yes indeed I was very worried about the baby too, but the original text assured me he was okay, and I can cling to that.

A current difficulty, only minor, is that DS hasn't told his siblings, and has told me I am not to do so either, he will do so 'tomorrow', but tomorrow comes and he doesn't. As I see them often, they are already asking me 'is there any baby news?' I cannot lie, but equally I cannot tell them anything, so they can see by my face that something has happened, but they are worried at the silence. Since they are not supposed to know, they can't text him, and can't bombard him with 'has anything happened yet?' either.

I am hopeful that in a week or so things will settle, but some of your replies do cause me to worry about longterm mental health damage.

What an uncomfortable situation not being able to tell your other children the situation - I assume your DS does not want them contacting him and having to explain to them what has happened.

I know this is very hard indeed for you at the moment; but think of the long term when the dust has settled and their new child will be playing with you and his (?her) cousins.

Congratulations on the new baby. It is such good news that baby is well. Time will pass and you will all look back on this as a bad patch that thankfully passed.

The worry about long term mental health damage is very real. Please read up as much information as you can about it. This way you will be well informed about how to behave and gain a better understanding. However, if you don’t mind me giving you advice, please do not discuss it with any one known to the couple and that includes your children. I know you would have more sense than to discuss it with the couple.

The reason I say this, is because I confided to my cousin about how worried I was about them. A year later, at a funeral we all attended, my cousin asked her how she was recovering and told her that her daughter had gone through a similar experience.

At the Wake my Dil asked me what I had discussed with my cousin. I replied that I had told her the birth was difficult as I knew her daughter had been through the same. She did not say anymore, but I think she thought I had been gossiping about her. I had not mentioned therapy, but I realised after that she wanted the whole thing kept private.

I get that after this traumatic delivery they want a little breathing space etc but what I don’t get is that he has not told his siblings neither are you ‘allowed’ to.

It’s a simply family text to say the baby has safely arrived and they will be in touch in a few days with more details.

I too would be hurt by this . Let’s be honest, it’s not the first traumatic birth in the world and it won’t be the last ☹️

I think they need a bit of time. I was very ill when I had my daughter, pre eclampsia, sepsis and had her six weeks early. No visitors were allowed for two weeks. My Mam took it the wrong way and I didn’t get a lot of sympathy for some reason but I was very ill. I recall just resting and sleeping there was plenty of visits when I was better,

Congratulations Grandma!! Is this your first?
I can fully understand you but also them too. They have been going through such trauma and if this their first, they'll need time to adjust too.
Why don't you contact your DS and arrange for a date in the diary in 2/3 weeks time perhaps to go to them. so you will have something to look forward to/
Have you thought about contacting her mum and tell her how you feel? Maybe she could have a word with them? It's worth a try.
It will be allright in the end, I'm sure.

Early days. I think your best way forward is kind, practical help. Sent you DM.

I can fully understand your frustrations, my daughter had a similar situation with her first child. My DD and DSiL made the decision that they wanted to see no-one for the first three weeks after DGD was born, 1 week in hospital and 2 weeks at home. They wanted the time to bond together as a family, try to get some sort of routine in place and to give DD chance to rest and recover and not have to constantly be answering the door to well meaning visitors. It was hard, but you need to respect their wishes, you will be able to see them all very soon and you won't be putting undue pressure on them and on your relationships.
It must be difficult to not be able to tell your DS siblings, but again, you need to adhere to his wishes, they are both obviously in shock and perhaps they want to make sure that baby is 100% before announcing the news, perhaps they don't want to jinx anything.
On a lighter note remember 'patience is a virtue, seldom found in a woman and never in a man'.
Good Luck