Son traumatised

Thanks Minnie, see above, I can breath again!

B9 exchange, congratulations on the birth of your grandchild. So sorry you have been put on 'restrictions' as to sharing the news. Sounds like they have had a terrible time..... lots of people do....... hope they are all well. But. Being totally unreasonable at the moment. Some day they will look back and realise this. Keep your chin up and smile, although expecting you to keep a big secret from his other siblings is ridiculous. They could have lots and lots of support for whatever trauma they have had, are going through. Chin up xc

Now.

Thank you all. I can now report that apparently DS has finally contacted his siblings, so one huge sigh of relief. He did promise me he would tell me when he had done this, and didn't, but that is of no consequence whatsover!

Phew, thank you for all your comments.

I'm not going to push for visits or updates, they can do that at their own pace when they are ready. And DS has now sent me a photo, little DGS is of course absolutely beautiful, and with eyes wide open looks as though he is already all set to lecture the world. Next question, do I crack open the bubbly now or wait for the party? or ?

There's not really a lot to "unpack" is there?

Quoting some poster somewhere on thread.

"Spare a thought for Granny"?

Can someone explain and unpack this for me, please?"

Really?! You can't understand that?

maryeliza54 DDs nearly 2 now, so I guess not so much a 'new' mom now.

I joined here as a new mom, having difficulties with my own mother being very overbearing when DD was born. Mostly because she couldn't understand that I didn't want her siblings and friends coming to my home to meet DD. These were people I hadn't seen or spoken to for at least a year or more. None of them even contacted me directly to say congratulations. I couldn't be bothered to have them in my house when I was sore from stitches and heavily bleeding postpartum.

She didn't respect that and kept pushing. It has really ruined our relationship, and that has impacted on me trusting her with DD (though there are other issues there as well). That's why I would advise you OP to do as asked by the new parents here. If you don't then you may end up back here in year complaining that you aren't trusted to babysit your grandchild but the other grandparent is. Don't break their trust. They've been through an ordeal and need you to be supportive now, you never forget how someone treats you at your most vulnerable.

That being said, I understand the predicament about your event on Sunday. I would text on Saturday and say something like

'Hi DS, hope DIL is feeling a bit better and baby is well. As you know we've got my birthday event tomorrow, and your siblings will be there. Obviously I understand that you and DIL can't make it, but I wondered if it would be okay if I told your siblings about the baby and possibly showed them a photo? Of course I would tell them that you aren't up for visitors and don't have time to chat at the moment as DIL has had such a hard time. It's just going to be a bit difficult to lie to them tomorrow as they know baby should be born by now and they're worried about both DIL and the baby (and you of course!). I'll make sure they know not to harass you for visits until you tell them you're ready. Let me know if there's anything you or DIL need or there's anything I can help you with'

Makes the point of why you need to tell them but also makes it clear you won't all be trying to descend on them for visits.

I seriously would consider postponing the party, but thats just me. Boring probably.

By the way OP, nothing wrong with getting a bit of support yourself. You can always contact a counsellor and work your way through some of this.

Boundaries and families, not easy.

Congratulatons on your new grandchild.

"I am glad they have DiL's mum there to help out, so not much point in my offering to help out practically at the moment, but I'll bet she would have made sure her own children were fully informed.

Please don't fall into this comparison trap between the two extended families. It quickly becomes problematic. Starts with assumptions (like yours) then competition breeds in, followed by anger and resentment. Totally not worth it.
I think I will give him until the end of tomorrow, and if he hasn't told them then, just send a loving text sayinig they are worried, and I will have to tell them on Sunday if he hasn't managed to by then.

I wouldn't do this if I were you. This is not your news to announce. They've already said that you should stay quiet about it and give them the opportunity to announce their own news, in their own way and at their own time. Respect that. If you go to mumsnet, you will realize how this is a supposed big thing for DILs. It may potentially cause a rift. I'm sure during your big event you can simply steer away from the topic and if asked respond by saying how your son is fine and will address any concerns, but you want to respect his wishes.

but we are a family, and all in this together.

Im sorry but you are not all in this together and you certainly don't want to find that out the hard way by disrespecting his wishes. This is your sons family and he's in it with his wife and child/children, so don't undermine a request that his made as the head of his family. I'm sure your intentions are great, but again its not your news to deliver, especially he's specifically asked not to.

will obviously be pushed as to whether the baby has been born, and whether mum and baby are okay. I can at least nod to that, after that it is up to my son, but I find it strange he cannot send one text.

You can't nod to either for one you don't even know if mum is OK at the time the question is asked, and two you can't nod that the baby is OK when you've been asked not to speak on his/her birth. Nodding is an act of confirmation of birth, which you've been asked not to do. You seem adamant to be the one to announce/share/acknowledge this birth, and it may not end well especially if DIL starts adding these to her list of offences only to be pulled out 5+ years later on how you stole their spotlight.

It's too early to break their trust over this. Wait, be patient, give them time and respect their wishes. They are the parents to this child. Respect their wishes or they simply won't tell you anything in the future. This isn't about you and your family. It's about your son and DIL as a family. You've received some great advice on here with regards to NOT announcing this news. I'd heed to it. Remember that this is NOT your news to acknowledge or share. Tread carefully and all the best.

Sorry the quote should have been italicised. I think the spaces must have made a difference to the code?

^"Spare a thought for Granny"?

Can someone explain and unpack this for me, please?^

I think they mean that Granny has allowed thoughts of a new baby override common sense when it comes to the traumatised parents and the future of their relationship.

If people ask questions, you just tell them "That's DS and DIL's business. You'll need to ask them."

Do not give him a deadline. This is not about you or anyone else. This is about them.

They had a traumatic birth experience. That's hard to process. Would you say to a sexual assault victim, "Well, you're not the first person to be sexually assaulted and you won't be the last. Get over it"?

If you start putting pressure on him he may decide to delay you seeing the baby or not let you see him at all. Baby news is for the couple to share. See above for possible responses to questions.

How old is the baby now B9exchange?

Sometimes on MN there are threads from women who deliberately change the date the baby is due to a few weeks later to avoid having everyone fussing over them as that date approaches. They make their husbands promise not to tell family when they actually go into hospital because again of the fuss from the family - DMs, DMils. Some posts on this thread explain why they may feel that way. Unbelievable - one might almost believe that in some families, family members were there at the act of conception.

"Spare a thought for Granny"?

Can someone explain and unpack this for me, please?

Who is this about? Yourself and your family gathering/siblings....people who presumably are doing OK or a new Mum who has just had major abdominal surgery and a new Dad who has requested some space!!!

Greet the guests with a glass of something and the message that baby has arrived and they are tired. Then get on with the party or alternatively postpone.

How you treat your DIL and son now will speak volumes in the future. Your DIL nearly died and your son has already had a mental breakdown yet you want to pressure them and give them a deadline?

Just say 'Son has said they want abit of peace and quiet at the moment and will update me when theres anything to update' Done.
Thats not a lie.

Congratulations on your new grandchild and now with the best will in the world you need to get a grip the baby is only a 2/3 days old!!

Please do not break the trust that your son and daughter in law has placed in you. It’s very easy you just say that you have had no news yet smile and offer to get drinks. If your family find out that you have broken your son’s and daughter in laws trust. You will not be trusted by anyone in your family again.

This is when you need to think about what you want your legacy as a grandparent to be!!

Your daughter in law has waited a long time for this little baby and has been through god knows what over the years in order to get to this point.

She has had a long protracted birth, a massive haemorrhage (have you ever had a 1/2-1 litre of blood rush out of you and to feel your life draining away), she will be trying establish feeding, be in pain, lost all her dignity and to add insult to injury the baby blues will be kicking in.

Your son would have been left traumatised by seeing the lady he loves go through all this and be trying to process all of his feelings and emotions.

Your son and wife will also have been told that because the heart rate dropped dramatically blood flow to baby’s brain would have reduced meaning they’ll have the future of baby to worry about too.

Also the loss of the birth and post birth your daughter would have anticipated on having.

Well that is your daughter’s friend not every other woman wants her uterus to be shared with their family and friends.

Oh my goodness, please do not give him a deadline and tell him you won't respect his wishes? You might think it isn't fair and your other children deserve to know but this isn't your news to tell? He has been through such a traumatic situation, he just wants time to care for his wife and baby without his siblings texting wanting all the information! Please don't message him an ultimatum as I am sure he wouldn't appreciate it and it may even cause friction between him and his wife at such a sensitive time.
In future he might realise he should have told them earlier but for now what they say should go.
I understand the party will be hard but just say, 'DIL and son are both doing well'.
My husband also still has the messages saved from when he told his brother we had our son and it's so sweet the exchange they had. Do you really want to take that away from him so you can have a more relaxed party?
A further note, if my mum told me my brother had a baby, that he wasn't ready to tell me but that my mum wanted to let me know I would be so annoyed on my brother's behalf? If they have a good relationship I am sure your other children would feel that way too?

With the entire family gathered on Sunday bar them, everyone knowing that by then the baby is over two weeks late, I will be facing a lot of questions, and I cannot lie. I can say I have been told not to say anthing, but will obviously be pushed as to whether the baby has been born, and whether mum and baby are okay. I can at least nod to that, after that it is up to my son, but I find it strange he cannot send one text.

B9exchange, I would suggest that the best thing to do would be to respect your DIL's wishes and not say anything to "the family". All you need to say is that Mum is exhausted but baby is doing ok. Nothing more. If they have any more questions they can direct them to the exhausted trio!
This is an ideal time to consolidate a good relationship with your DIL which will be so important if you want a good relationship with your grandchild. My advice would be to send a card/gift to the new Mum and tell her you are behind her every step of the way in this awful situation. Make her feel important. Too often new Mums are elbowed out of the way in the stampede to see the new baby. Your Grandchild has years ahead for you to get to know them and maybe when he is up to it, your son can send some photos. If you put pressure on now, you will be resented big time so be patient because you will get to meet that newborn and it will be all the sweeter for the wait.

I agree with nannandgrampy. Spot on.

Newmom brilliant post - are you a new mum?