That's it then. Finito.

I applaud you for keeping your calm in this awful situation. I wouldn't have been able to bite my tongue! I agree that your son should have been honest and when things calm down I would tell him so. Carry on with your life knowing you did your best. As my mum used to say' it'l all sort itself out in the wash'

We need to learn to say no to people - family or friends - who expect us to be a slave.mIf they don,t take the hint just stop doing.
She sounds as if she has a problem but remember it's her problem not yours, and by doing for her you are in a way enabling this behaviour.

I am intrigued that both your sons have chosen Chinese partners!
I can't help thinking the culture clash is at the root of it.
I hope you can keep up the contact esp with your DGS.

She sounds like a very rude girl; I wouldn't make any excuses for her, culture differences or not. If she wasn't working herself, why would she expect free childcare from grandparents, why wouldn't she want to be with her child? It sounds like your son has made a very poor choice and is now trapped in this relationship if he wants to be with his child.

I understand your pain. My SIL started lying about me the moment he entered my family's lives. He brainwashed my daughter with these tactics and although always there for them, like you, and letting them live with me on several occasions with the same circumstances. I paid the bills, worked full time yet expected to cook and clean while they did nothing. Then, when I was losing my mother, they decided to go no contact where I lost my grandchildren too. Heartbroken, I got help and learned these behaviors are about them not you. I learned to set boundaries and no longer tolerate being treated badly. While I miss my grandkids, I've chosen to continue the NC with my daughter and SIL as it is only a relationship of convenience and what you can do for them. Ignore the lies as you don't have to become the monster they need you to be to validate their behavior.

Oops typo- I meant to say the first Chinese girl.

@25Avalon she is on a tourist visa at the moment, so she was due to return in July. It might be that he painted a rosier picture than reality. Also another Chinese girl, my other sons GF told her how much she loved staying here. The fidr Chinese girl made lots of effort, was very friendly and joined in with everyone. She couldnt cook, but loved my cooking All the Chinese girls I have ever met have been lovely- friendly, kind and polite- so I had no idea how this would be so uncomfortable! I have never met a more sullen, uncommunicative , manipulative individual, sadly.

@Jani31 thanks! I can't visit China, in any case due to ties here.

@madmum38 I don't know. Will see if son materialises at the weekend. I didnt row with her but we both kept quiet. It didnt work at all and my husband told my son we would probably all be happier if they rented somewhere.

Maybe she felt terribly homesick and if your son got a job over here maybe she was scared she would not be able to go back home. Whatever there was no need for her to be unkind to you but she does sound very confused and unfortunately not willing to discuss it. Your son is in a very difficult position. I don't think you can do any more than you have done -perhaps she will feel happier at home in China. I just hope that things improve to the extent that you can keep in contact with your GS.
We had a Chinese girl married to an English guy with a little daughter in our village. Unfortunately their marriage broke up and she now lives in China town in London. She was a really nice girl and made an effort to fit in with everyone. Gave us all a cookery lesson in the village hall. Lovely girls.

Do you think that now you are not all living in the same house things will improve? Maybe you were just living on top of each other and as my mum used to say, two women bosses in a house doesn’t work. There were some spectacular rows when my brother and his wife lived back at home for a while

Lavazza1st, this all sounds so sad. I have 2 daughters, no sons, only SILs who I adore. Would not step on their toes as they know that if they harm my girls, I have every right to do harm to them. They have no father as he passed 7 years ago. One SIL asked me for my daughter's hand in marraige, the other is scared of me and did not ? Your son sounds like he is trying to keep his marraige together in a culture that he does not understand. I feel sorry for you as my grandchildren are 60 and 140 miles away which is hard enough. I was told, 'do not burn bridges as I can't visit if the bridge is down' Good luck x

@Cold I dont know.
@sarahellenwhitney I knew she was trying to push my buttons and make me mad so she could claim to be a victim. I saw through it as I've met manipulative people before who did similar. I remained controlled and kind outwardly, though fuming in private. When she failed to get a reaction, she resorted to lying about us instead , to which I calmly told her to stop lying and pointed out the flaws in her "story".
@Nico97 I have no clue, but the ball's in his court as he is ignoring my messages.

If son is staying with them in a hotel until she goes back to China on Saturday, where will he be living after that date ? Returning to your home ?

Childish behaviour due to her jealousy, resenting the closeness you have with your son,refusing food ?what an attention seeker she is..
Damaging your property ? myself ?would not have let it 'go' without comments.
You have done all you can and I have no doubt your son is aware of his wife's behaviour but clearly dances to her tune
Don't give up keep in contact with your son.






















.

It's such a shame for you and the family that you are losing access to your GC because of this.

What is your son planning to do now? Are they splitting up/divorcing or does he intend to follow his child to China?

@Cold I do think it's DS's fault. I have always been transparently honest and brought him up that way, yet he seems to lie constantly.
I'd never shame her or do anything horrid, its not in my nature.

Lavazza1st - I don't think she should have come if she wasn't willing to "do as the romans"

The problem is that someone has to explain to you carefully what "the Romans" do so that you know what is expected and can make an informed decision. It doesn't really sound like your son did that. You write that he told her what she wanted to hear, presumably that childcare was going to be provided so that she could do her online work (I think you mentioned that she was working last time. The problem is that both you and DIL are feeling tricked but are not actually blaming the person that gave the misinformation.

It is not always easy to find out cultural norms and expectations before you move - especially if your partner is not helping the integration process. I have an American friend who was once very upset because her Swedish MIL took her to task, publicly, calling her weird, for not following the Swedish buffet eating rules! Sometimes it is very hard as an outsider to understand these cultural norms that "everyone knows"

@Lily65 I have no idea... but I can't imagine doing the same.

We only have one cooked meal a day, so just to clarify- ALL the cooking means cooking from scratch one healthy meal a day.
I always consulted with her what to cook, before someone jumps in and suggests that I wasn't being culturally sensitive. She never seemed very interested, but she did criticise my "tasteless" vegetables and sugested I fried them in salt. I objected due to high blood pressure and sugested she added it at the table.

So she deliberately extracted pubic hair and planted them on your Lush soap or was it merely and oversight?

Strange times indeed.

@H194 ALL the cooking means the evening meal. She was taking him to Mcdonalds in the daytime...

@grandtanteJE65 Yes, they DID both expect me to drop everything when they got here even though I had been clear and honest before they came. They both tried to shame me by listing all the things that her 79 year old Grandma does for them, including getting up at 5am to chop firewood, going to the market to buy "fresh food" twice a day, cooking three hot meals, cleaning the house and doing all the childcare. THAT is what they expected. But they were dishonest about that before they came. When they were in China I agreed to look after GS between 12 and 2 and take a long lunch in order to do this. When they arrived, I was NEVER allowed to have him during that time and they tried to erode my boundaries using shaming tactics.

I'm really confused like a few more in here! I seem to recall from previous thread lavazza1 that DIL was taken grandson out and feeding him rubbish, convenence food and you had no say in what he was eating ? But now you claim you were doing ALL the cooking??

DIL is Chinese and only had a six month visa to stay here. Only two months have passed so she has likely gone back temporarily, but she may talk my son into going back with her for good. I don't really know, but she seems to wear the trousers...
DS says he doesn't know every time I asked him. But now we're not in contact. He hasnt replied for a few days so I just sent him a message wishing him all the best and saying I hope they'll be happy whatever they decide to do.

I mean SHE didn't want to be carer for her own child! If I was retired, I'd have been more available...but I'm a long way from that.