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Grandparenting

New GC

(83 Posts)
Ponymoore Mon 01-Apr-19 16:42:49

We have looked after our twin granddaughters who are seven from when they were born. We live very near them and take them to school a couple of mornings and collect most evenings. Our daughter is expecting a baby after trying for fifteen years but lives two hundred miles from us. She would like us to move nearer to her when she has the baby but we are in turmoil on what to do

Elliepops Tue 02-Apr-19 10:36:24

No, no, no, once theyave the baby, they may want to move again.
Two weeks when baby is born, will help and comfort her. Midwife will call or she can call them. Just happened to my gg.

quizqueen Tue 02-Apr-19 10:42:51

Your daughter decided to move hundreds of miles away from you. Her choice. She should not expect you to up sticks and follow her. Presumably, she had not asked you to move before she got pregnant, so now she sounds as if she wants unpaid childcare like her sibling has been getting! Tell her to move back closer to you, and you would be more than happy to help out with the new baby if she wants closer family ties.

grannytotwins Tue 02-Apr-19 10:47:10

My twin grandchildren are seven. I had hugs and so many kisses this morning before school and in the playground when I took them to school. They would be broken hearted if I moved away. I can understand your dilemma, but you have an established routine where you are now. Maybe your daughter who is pregnant will decide to move nearer to you when she understands how committed you are, or maybe you can compromise with weekends with her and the new baby.

ReadyMeals Tue 02-Apr-19 10:47:45

If the daughter needs your help let her move nearer you. Kids choose to move away then have the nerve to complain their parents are too far away!

lincolnimp Tue 02-Apr-19 10:47:52

quizqueen I feel it is a little unfair to say---without knowing----that the daughter chose to move 200 miles away.
Jobs are not always available locally, it is often a case of moving where the work is.
In our case, we know that our SIL would have to live where he was sent, regardless of their preferences

Craicon Tue 02-Apr-19 10:47:55

Oh my. Sounds like an entitled adult child issue.
Where in this scenario are your needs being placed?

Her wanting you to move closer to her is her way of saying ‘waah, it’s unfair, she’s had tons of free childcare for years, now it’s my turn for a freebie’.

How old are you and do you really want to start again somewhere new, just to be the hired help?

It would be a big fat NO from me but I’d probably say ‘I’m happy to visit for a week or so initially to help get you settled and you’re very welcome to move permanently near to me’.

I don’t do any grandparenting as such as we live miles away but I’m very happy with this arrangement as I strongly feel that bringing up children is the parents responsibility and grandparents are there just to provide occasional fun outings and treats.

4allweknow Tue 02-Apr-19 10:48:14

You say after 15 years, goodness hasn't your DD had time to think about how they will cope with a child. Awful easy to succumb to the 'I am needed' scenario you will though be turning your life upside down if you move with no guarantee you will settle and enjoy where you will be living. A bit too big an ask.

freestyle Tue 02-Apr-19 10:50:46

Congrats to your daughter and yourselves on the coming grandchild. I think the best thing is to ask your daughter to move to where you live then you can support her as much as possible. Would she do this ? Possibly not as she wouldn’t want to leave her friends would she. It amazes me how how children expect everything from us and in my case give nothing back in return.... good luck and at the end of the day you must do what is best for you xx

lincolnimp Tue 02-Apr-19 10:56:32

I seriously don't think that I belong here.
No, I'm not having a big----I'm going to leave moment---I'm too mature for that, but I'm a Grandma who loves being a grandma
Yes, I have my own interests, but perhaps it is because I am coming to the end of 32 years as a Foster Carer that means I am still totally happy to have a hands on approach with our GC---when needed.
Also, my 2 DDs are both in 'caring' professions, both not very well paid, nor are their husbands.
Without people in their professions we would all be a lot worse off, so why shouldn't I have an adventure and move to be near the youngest GC, make new friends, and enjoy sharing the joys and sorrows of the little ones

Willow10 Tue 02-Apr-19 10:56:34

I moved from the Somerset coast to the midlands to help my daughter, who had four children under 6 and was expecting twins. I've regretted it ever since. Do you want to be a grandparent or just a convenient, free babysitter? Why can't couples bring their own children up any more?

harrigran Tue 02-Apr-19 10:57:50

Think long and hard before upping sticks, I have heard of many people of our generation moving to be near an AC only to find a few years on the DC are moving on to new job and so on.
I would hate to move from where I live, close to a bus stop and a supermarket and other facilities. DS once suggested closer to them would be useful but it was in the middle of the countryside in a county I do not know, half hour drive to the shops is not what I am looking for at this stage of my life.

Theoddbird Tue 02-Apr-19 10:59:01

Can't mothers manage on their own anymore? I wonder about this when I see grandparents running in circles helping out.

Chinesecrested Tue 02-Apr-19 11:02:23

Your granddaughters would be devastated if you move 200 miles away. That's too big a price to pay. Your DD will have to move near you instead

dizzygran Tue 02-Apr-19 11:28:39

lovely news but unrealistic to expect you to up sticks and move. 200 miles. Let her know that you will help but you do not want to leave your home friends garden etc. As she's pregnant her feelings are all over the place so don't give you GDs as one of the main reasons for not wanting to move Things will settle down when the new baby arrives.

icanhandthemback Tue 02-Apr-19 11:41:06

What an exciting and scary time for your daughter. I know that when I was younger if anything went wrong, I always felt like I needed my Mum even if I regretted it later when she swept in, made waves and swept out again...I'm a slow learner!
Make a list of the pros and cons of making the move if you are tempted. Take into account that many find that motherhood changes the relationship between parent and child so it may not all be rosy.
lincolnimp, I seriously don't think that I belong here.
I'm not sure why you think that. We all have different views and that is what makes it interesting. I'd give moving consideration and I love helping my AC with their childcare but not everyone does. Nowadays, I'm not sure that I would think moving is a great adventure but hats off to you that you still have that energy!

Ginny42 Tue 02-Apr-19 11:53:58

Choose your words carefully. She must be over the moon at the pregnancy news as I'm sure you all are, but may be a little apprehensive about the birth and coping with a new baby. You don't say how old she is, but if she's been trying for 15 years, she's not a young Mum. She might just need you close at first until she gets into the way of things. She must know how much you've been doing for your other grandchildren and it's easy to upset someone unintentionally.

Long stays to help might be a first step and see whether you feel about moving there in time. Presumably you know the area where she lives quite well by now and must have an inkling about whether you'd consider living there. The twins are now seven and can cope with short absences whilst you go and help with their little cousin.

GoldenAge Tue 02-Apr-19 11:56:23

This whole moving thing is fraught with problems. But ultimately it depends upon what you WANT to do. I moved to be close to my only child at her request when she was pregnant but it was a move to a big city that I had wanted to make - I was just so glad that she wanted me to be near to her, where her career had been built after leaving for university. Had I remained where I was I would have had no family and just a handful of friends and neighbours all with their own younger families to keep them busy. However, I have a friend who has a daughter who lives 300 miles away of her own choosing and has recently asked her mother to move to give her help with her two children because her husband has moved out and put her in the position of having to go back to work. My friend has always lived in this area, she does voluntary work, has lots of friends, two siblings and several nieces and nephews, as well as her son and two teenage grandchildren who she has helped with. My friend looks at the situation quite objectively and thinks that were she to up-sticks she would be leaving her entire life behind and pine for it. She wonders why her daughter doesn't consider moving back to her home town where she would be able to access her mother's support and that of her other family. It's a good question.

Orelse Tue 02-Apr-19 12:21:15

I would jump at the opportunity to be involved in both but not move . Split time between where you are and your daughter .. overnight stays Weekly which also fit in with the 7 years old . I would do it all , and gradually it will settle down into a sensible routine , as things change . ( things keep changing with young children's routines ) . I have done something similar , and over time it all worked out well ... and I/ we still have our "me" time and hobbies ( singing and art history classes) . They are young for such a short time, that we wanted it this way .
Don't forget your daughter will be home with the baby for 6 months to a year ....a lot changes in that time. Go with her to mother/baby groups .... join NCT ....this will stop her feeling isolated as everyone has family in common ..... take a step at a time ..all will be lovely xx good luck

okimherenow Tue 02-Apr-19 12:25:29

My cousin was in a similar dilemma and what she did was stay in the house she lived .... and bought a static caravan on a site close to second daughter...
she couldn’t afford to move but could afford the second hand caravan and the annual fees
This has worked so well for them all...

Orelse Tue 02-Apr-19 12:25:32

Ps ... my daughter (aged40) tried for 15 years tooo....gave up , got pregnant , panicked about coping ,turned to us in the same way .... but it calmed once the baby had arrived..... her children are now 6 and 3 ( 2nd child a surprise too ) 😁

Emelle Tue 02-Apr-19 12:26:06

I really understand your dilemma We have two daughters and five grandchildren who live about 80 miles away and we went and stayed overnight every week to help with childcare. We decided to sell our family home with a view to moving nearer to the family Fortunately, we were able to rent a house in the area and after 4 months returned home. We were kept busy during the week on child minding duties and then left alone at weekend as the families were busy with their own lives - rightly so Those months away made us really appreciate what we had in our own area and having our own interests We were outbid on one house and now I see that as a blessing. I hope you can find a solution that suits you all.

ReadyMeals Tue 02-Apr-19 12:28:45

You can't leave your 7yr old GC, they have already established a bond with you where they are used to seeing you on an almost daily basis and you share in their care. They will have formed an emotional dependency on you.
Their need for you at this time is greater than that of the unborn one who will get to know you as someone he sees only once a month or so.

Ironmaiden Tue 02-Apr-19 12:29:44

If she wants you around then she should move, not you. It’s incredibly selfish of her to want you to leave your other daughter, friends and home.

Ellen80 Tue 02-Apr-19 13:07:33

Hi! A difficult decision. I agree with everyone that you got to think hard especially the idea your daughter might decide to move.
The only other consideration would be if you think she can provide help if you became incapable. (She will obviously have her hands full anyway, but it's a better environment than a nursing home!)

4allweknow Tue 02-Apr-19 13:09:41

Here, here! Agree totally.