Ok, Bradford has a point. You haven't told us, Nana70, if the boy's mum is dead, if he has been out of her custody, or if divorce has simply disrupted the life he was used to. Any of these could cause him to act out this way. Perhaps you and dh would do well to be a little empathetic towards him. DD, too, of course, but, imo, she needs to think about whether or not she's prepared to deal with this problem if the relationship becomes permanent.
Still, if his dad can't seem to handle him, I don't see how anyone can expect others to. And as long as you and dh don't have the boy on your own, I don't see why you would be expected to control his behavior, anyhow. That would still be up to dad and he might resent anyone else stepping in. Dad and child may need to get into family therapy if they aren't already. But, of course, that's not your call.
Bradford, in a general way, I get your saying any adult who interacts with this boy needs to "give him room to grieve," but what does that mean in specifics? Are you saying, Nana and dh have to accept his acting out in their home? I don't see that. Imo, they need to be understanding, but the poor behavior still has to be stopped, especially with gd around. And stopping it, imo, is still up to the dad.