So worried

All very good advice already given Violet, the only thing I can add is about my youngest sisters situation of 20 yrs ago. Very chaotic lifestyle, 4 children to 3 different dads, 2 marriages before she turned 21 and then she met her husband. She met him over the Christmas holidays and was married on Valentines day, moved within a year from the NE to SW. It was the best thing they ever did, it took her away from all her old haunts and 'friends' and they've never had it so good. They run their own business, girls all went to good, small village schools and are doing much better despite all our initial fears. We never know what lays ahead and I fully understand your fears but thankfully modern technology will help you keep in touch. I wish you and your family a good outcome and many years together

I would be asking if I could have the children. She maybe glad to off load them so she can concentrate on her new man.
Even if it was for a while whilst she settled she might like not having them around.
Tell her to keep the family allowance even.
Might sound harsh, but I would be very worried to

I feel for you so much and understand how heartbroken you must be.

How about the suggestion of having them for a few days in the school holidays? That is hope for you and something fabulous for the children.

Please talk about that with your daughter.

Yes - we can’t control what other people - including our children - do.

There are lots of school holidays. On between times find something to do.

I really hope some of this has been helpful.
X

I agree with most posters who suggest you have the children (if you can) while they are setting up home and schools etc perhaps then if everything is stable they could go back for the new term in September
I do see how worrying this is Violet as your daughter already sounds detached from the girls and with a new lover may be even less interested in them I d be sobbing to
Can you have them if she lets you ?

Agree with Breeze. It would be great if the children could live with you if possible. If not, I would speak to your daughter about how much you will miss her and the children. Explain that they are "your world". Ask if you could have them at weekends (obviously not every one) and as much as possible during school holidays. You could say that this will give your daughter time with her boyfriend to get to know one another. She might be very pleased with this idea. Or, if you can, go to stay near them and take the children off her hands as much as possible. Such a worry but do not give up.

Imm6

I agree that OP could suggest that the children might stay with her. However, I would suggest that she not make it clear they are "her world".

OP is an adult. She cannot ask another person to be "her world". That's frankly unhealthy. As a mum that would raise huge red flags if someone told me that my child was "their world".

Vi0let quite a few members have taken the time to offer advice, do you have any feedback for them?

Violet, let us know how things are. Thinking of you xx

How soon are they moving? How much time do you have to broach the subject of your gds staying with you for a while, etc? Perhaps they don't have things set up yet because they feel they have time? Or... are you even sure they're going to go through with this?

.....are people Really suggesting that because of grandmother doesn’t want her grandchildren to move she should call social services after them? Or that the kids should move in and be separated from their mother?

Come on. That’s how people end up in no contact relationships.

".....are people Really suggesting that because of grandmother doesn’t want her grandchildren to move she should call social services after them? Or that the kids should move in and be separated from their mother? "

No. They're suggesting these things b/c the mother doesn't seem to really be invested in her children. Idc if she lets them stay up later than the op thinks they should or if she doesn't seem to have any set routines. But apparently, she's very cold to them, can't seem to get them to school on time (ok, not sure how the op knows that), etc. It certainly sounds as if she would welcome the chance to get them off her hands for a while.

Maybe not. Ime, even the mothers who seem most irresponsible can be very attached to (and yes, love) their children.

But while the gc are living close to the op, she can give them the love and support they may be lacking from their mother. If they move away, that won't be as easy to do. Hopefully, she can do it to some degree via today's technology. And Idk if she's ready to take on the raising of kids all over again. But, imo, it's the kids apparent need for emotional support that prompted the suggestions to ask if they could stay with her, etc., not the mere fact that she doesn't want them to move.

Thank you so much to everyone who has responded with such amazing support and advice. I really hope that my daughter is happy with her new boyfriend and that this has a positive impact on the children. I will, of course, visit and have the children to stay in school holidays. Only met the boyfriend briefly - seems ok but as chaotic as my daughter. I've supported my daughter through all sorts of trouble and I know it's even more important now to maintain a good relationship. Social Services have been involved in the past so I think it's worth exploring that avenue. Lots to think about now. I've stopped crying and managed to get some sleep and now I'm trying to stay positive and really hope things work out for all of them. Thank you all again. I'll keep you posted.

Glad you’re ok violet & thank you for the update.
I hope things work out better than you feared, and that your granddaughters will want to maintain their relationship with you despite the distance.

Could you sell the idea to your daughter - would she consider letting the children stay “on holiday” with you for now “while they are still at their current school” and until the start of the new school year in September?....to save disruption for them and make life easier for her?.....

Could the children stay with you while mum sorts out accommodation, schools and settles in? Otherwise suggest you contact Social Services

If the attachment and love is clear to social workers then separating them from their mother would and should
be the very last result. Breaking that mother/child attatchment can massive negative effects on the child and severely damage their future outcomes.

Thanks for the update, Violet. My daughter is chaotic but for different reasons....she is a single parent with 2 teenagers putting a heavy pressure on her finances. I too worry about her....her ex doesn't contribute much.
I hope things will work out for your daughter and her little family. Be there if she needs you xx

@Vi0let

Concerning that SS involved in the past. Why?

Daughter's behaviour caused school to contact Social Services but no action taken. Also a previous relationship - vicious rows - neighbours called police.

Hmmm... I'm surprised no action was taken, unless the bf left.

If social services ever took the kids out of the home, would you be ready and willing to take them in?

I wouldn't hesitate to take them in. I hope things never get to that stage for their sake - they clearly love their mum. Trying to hold on to the thought that if she's happy she'll be a better parent.

What a very strange post summerlove did you actually read the original post ?

I would say that things may not be as bad as you fear on practical front. You said “no permenant home set up? “But I am not sure what you mean? If it’s just that they are moving into rented accommodation, there is no reason to suppose that this won’t provide stability.
You mentioned schools, but I know from recent experience with DD 3 that you can’t make an application to the school until you have proof of the new address, so maybe they will make the application as soon as they move?
My daughter and partner split up just before Easter and she moved 120 miles. In the 2 weeks after the separation, we were able to find her a lovely house which she was able to move to and furnish (with the bits she didn’t bring with her from the old house) and got DGS into local school all within 3 weeks! it was hectic but worked out ok; maybe your daughter has got a plan and all will be well.
I get the worry about the relationship with the kids, but as someone else said being a single parent is incredibly stressful and difficult, so maybe she will be better with a partner to support her?

.....are people Really suggesting that because of grandmother doesn’t want her grandchildren to move she should call social services after them? Or that the kids should move in and be separated from their mother?

Yes they are. Very toxic mindsets.

Bluebelle, yes, I did.
I just didn’t see anything in it that required the children Being removed from their parent, and a lot of a grandparent talking about how they felt.
I understand the perspective, but grandparents need to support parents, not try to keep the grandkids when they dislike their parents choices.

If my parents or inlaws judged my parenting that way, and on the advice of friends called social services to prevent a move, or remove my children, I would no longer have a relationship with them, nor would my children while they were minors.