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So worried

(60 Posts)
Vi0let Wed 01-May-19 02:14:10

Hi, I'm New here and sobbing as I write this. My daughter & grandchildren 11 & 9 are moving 400 miles away. Obviously I'm going to miss them but could come to terms with it if I knew my grandchildren would have a better life. The problem is my daughter seems indifferent to their needs. For example, she shows little affection, always seems angry with them, rarely takes them out, no routines, late for school everyday, lets them watch tv or play computer games until late at night. She's moving to be with boyfriend of 6 months. All very sudden. No schools, job, permanent home set up. So worried daughter will be so wrapped up in being with boyfriend that children will be even more neglected and I won't be able to support them.

janeainsworth Wed 01-May-19 02:31:01

Oh violet I can understand why you feel so upset and worried, though I’m afraid I have no constructive advice.
We can’t control our adult children’s lives and sometimes it’s very hard watching from the sidelines.
Do you know your daughter’s new partner? Will you be able to visit them?
You don’t know how things will develop. It may just turn out that if your D is happier in her new life, she may be a better parent to your DGC.

Sussexborn Wed 01-May-19 02:50:47

Very worrying. Are social services already aware of the family? Your daughter isn’t trying to avoid them by moving? I’ve known a few people have done that. Attempting to stay one jump ahead. Perhaps you can contact social services your end and ask them to contact the new areas team. Perhaps being a little melodramatic but give then supply them with notelets with your info on the envelopes and ready stamped. Prepaid phone card so they can contact you if phones are confiscated. At least they are not babies or toddler who would be totally reliant. Hope things go better than you anticipate. Have you met the new boyfriend? Does he have a home they will be living in? Can you go up and stay nearby fairly regularly using groupon or similar deals.

stella1949 Wed 01-May-19 04:48:51

I agree, it's very hard to watch this happen to your grandchildren. Unfortunately it sounds as if your DD would be treating the children badly no matter where she lived.

My sons's children were treated like this when he and his partner broke up - I used to drive for hours to visit them once each month, and I always found them dirty, unkempt, lacking in the most basic needs. It breaks my heart to think of it. In your situation I'd be contacting the social services, but be prepared ( as I was) to find that they children are not deemed to be badly enough treated for ss to get involved. Good luck.

BradfordLass72 Wed 01-May-19 08:39:41

Any chance of you having the children?

My thinking is that in a new life with a new boyfriend they might be in the way and you would be the stable influence in their lives.

I hope Social Services are involved because both these youngsters are old enough to make their feelings known about this and it may well be that life with you is a much better option.

I hope it works out for them, it must be utterly heartbreaking for you. flowers

EllanVannin Wed 01-May-19 09:06:35

A very sad and worrying situation as it stands without the extreme mileage that will add to it.
Unless there's proof of neglect/abuse there's very little that can be done from a legal point of view and all you can do as a grandmother is stay in touch with the children and suggest breaks to stay with you in term-times.

We have the long summer holidays with us soon so a good idea for arrangements then and perhaps you could pick up on their feelings about this situation, children freely volunteer on how they feel normally---happy/sad.

Grammaretto Wed 01-May-19 09:15:06

Could you have the children in term time?
My life was messed up when I was their age. We moved countries. I think I'd have preferred the stability of my school and friends and GM rather than the adventure we embarked on.
However children are remarkably resilient so I hope they will be fine.

Urmstongran Wed 01-May-19 09:32:45

I feel for you ViOlette it must be a huge worry. Your daughter seems to allow a chaotic household one way and another but on the plus side, your grandchildren are surviving it.

The new boyfriend of only six months would ring alarm bells for me though. Very early days to move in together and so far from what they know. I hope he’s a nice man.

luluaugust Wed 01-May-19 10:01:46

Have the GC said anything to you about this move and how they feel? Six months is an incredibly short time to make such a huge decision is there any chance of getting her to wait a bit - I guess not. I hope you are able to visit when they do go and can check up on the GC.

Inca Wed 01-May-19 10:32:26

Violet, it must be a horrible situation for you. You are obviously computer-literate to be on here (!) so don't forget you can Skype or FaceTime your family too. That will at least allow you to see them and how the children are physically. and, as someone else has said, if your daughter is happy in -and supported by - her new relationship, things may improve. Hope all goes well for you all X

glammanana Wed 01-May-19 10:35:44

I would be very worried especially about the fact that no arrangements have been made with regard to housing/jobs/schools etc and the fact it is only 6 mths into a new relationship,its hardly any time at all to know anyone is it.
Very good advice given already above,I would certainly try and get more background information about this "boyfriend" are you not allowed to do a Police background check or does that only apply to actual partner of the person concerned.

Bibbity Wed 01-May-19 10:40:27

This must be so stressful sad
Are you close with their father?
Half term and the summer holidays are just around the corner could you have them for a little holiday?

ReadyMeals Wed 01-May-19 10:44:13

At least there are two of them, similar in age, to understand each other. And you don't report favoritism or anything like that, so the two of them will validate each other. It's when there is one child scapegoated that the real isolation sets in.

Funnygran Wed 01-May-19 11:40:19

ViOlet I really feel for you as we have much the same situation with two of our grandchildren and I have sleepless nights about it. I mentioned some concerns to my sister in law who is a social worker and her response was that every situation was different and I was applying my own standards. My son sees his children every two weeks but has mental health problems so realistically can’t push for custody at present. I feel that we grandparents have no real rights.

Lily65 Wed 01-May-19 11:44:27

My first thought is to question if your daughter is well?

Starlady Wed 01-May-19 11:54:33

Hugs! Just lots of hugs!

Oh and please do al you can to stay in touch with your gc and give them support (FaceTime, skype, etc.). Also, I like the idea of their visiting you. Dd will probably be glad to have them out of the way, sad to say.

Bbbface Wed 01-May-19 12:24:09

I feel for you OP

Quite possibly completely unrealistic, but have you considered moving to the area too?

Bbbface Wed 01-May-19 12:25:35

They will be legally required to be at school so that should propel her.

Could you suggest to your daughter that the girls stay with you so that she doesn’t have to go to the trouble of setting them up at new schools etc and really focus on her new relationship. “Sell” it to her like that?

grandtanteJE65 Wed 01-May-19 12:26:30

I fully understand why you are upset, as it does sound as if your daughter is putting her own and her new boyfriend's needs before those of her children.

However, 400 miles isn't the end of the world, it is after all the mileage between Glasgow and London, so you should be able to visit now and again. Both children are old enough to email you or use facetime, so please suggest they do so, so you can keep in touch. Surely your daughter want say no to that if you ask nicely?

sodapop Wed 01-May-19 12:35:00

That is a worrying situation Vi0let the only thing you can do is keep in touch by phone, Whatsapp, Facetime etc. At least the children are of an age to let you know if there is a problem. Sadly you can only be there to pick up the pieces if necessary.
Having them for holidays sounds like a good idea as well. Not easy being a grandparent is it ? I hope things work out better than you hoped.

Newatthis Wed 01-May-19 13:02:53

The important thing is to keep in touch and try not to judge (this very difficult in your situation) because what you don't want is to lose contact altogether. Maybe the new boyfriends could be a positive influence in their lives. Live in hope that this is so.

Namsnanny Wed 01-May-19 13:09:04

Oh violet How worrying for you.
As Jean says it’s so difficult to watch from the sidelines when our AC make unhealthy decisions.
All the good advice above is worth following I think.
Has the situation with her attitude always been the same?
If you could find a way to support your daughter even when she is behaving badly (which I’m sure you already do), she may look look upon you as a confidant and allow you more insight to her situation, and therefore you might be in a position for her to turn to for help should she and gds need it!!
Try not to antagonise her so that contact breaks down.
My thoughts are with you shamrockflowers

driverann Wed 01-May-19 13:38:24

I would suggest to your daughter that to save disrupting the children schooling’s how about she goes to her boyfriend and you have the children if you can. If not I would want to know everything about the boyfriend and I would have his background checked out. There are ways and means to do this. The way your daughter treats the children now she would be pleased I would think to let you bring them up as she is making such a bad job of motherhood. Have the children’s school noted how the children have been going to school.

breeze Wed 01-May-19 13:39:41

Oh Violet what a horrible worry for you. As BradfordLass suggested is there any way you could have them live with you? You could say to your DD that it would give her a chance to settle in with new partner and the children wouldn't have to move schools etc.

It's a new relationship and may not work out so it's a lot of upheaval if they then return and have to change schools again. Although best not to say those actual words to DD who is probably besotted with new love.

If that's really not possible, then keep in touch with the children best you can so you can get a feel for how they are coping and try to visit when you can. Unless the children are actually at risk, then there really isn't much else you can do.

I do hope talking things through on here will help you as I'm sure you feel very helpless right now flowers

breeze Wed 01-May-19 13:40:52

driverann posts crossed. Agree with your views too.