Gransnet forums


Advice please.

(26 Posts)
talkingdead Wed 05-Jun-19 20:08:46

Sorry if I ramble I’m new at this.

I have two daughters. DD1 is pregnant and has one DS who is 3. DD2 has two
DC I feel our bond with her DC is stronger and believe it is because of my DD1 controlling behaviour when it comes to our grandson.
I offered to have our grandson overnight when she goes into labour. She agreed. I asked her if GS (grandson) would sleep through the night, which she replied “if you put him in his bed he’ll usually sleep through”
I had assumed the overnight stay would take place in my home. So I said he could stay at my place and sleep in my bed. It would be difficult as I have a medical condition to haul all of my overnight things to her house. This arrangement has always been fine for My other grandchildren who have sleepovers all the time.
DD1 was not happy with my suggestion and said she didn’t find it appropriate for him to sleep in my bed and if I didn’t want to look after him at her house she could ask someone else.
A few days later I heard from another family member that DD1 had made other childcare arrangements for her labour. She hasn’t told me this herself yet. But I am upset, as I feel I am not trusted by her. She has never allowed my DH and I to take our GS on day trips or even to the shop alone, we have offered plenty in the past. I just feel sad that we won’t have the same relationship with GS as we do our other grandchildren. I am worried that if she doesn’t let go a little he will get older and think we favour our other GC as we are allowed to do all these fun things with them but not him.

Just wondering if anyone has any advice.


Doodle Wed 05-Jun-19 20:29:47

Perhaps she feel that at 3 and maybe already being anxious about the new baby it would be better for him to be in his own surroundings and sleeping in his own bed.
Grandchildren and their parents are all different and each family has their own way of looking after their own children.
Presumably she found someone else to look after him as you said you wouldn’t go to her house to do it. Maybe she feels he is a bit young to go off with you for the day (some 3 year olds can be very clingy) and maybe as he gets older she will be happy for him to come to you. I wouldn’t worry about it at the moment as she is probably concerned with the pregnancy. Just sit back and wait for another opportunity to come. I am sure you will have fun with all your DGC in the years to come.

crazyH Wed 05-Jun-19 20:36:29

It's quite natural that, although you love them all, the bond is stronger with those you see more often.
I practically brought up my daughter's teenagers, but my are reluctant to let me have their toddlers overnight. Perhaps they think I'm too old now. I don't know.
Yes, I too prefer to look after the kids in my own home.
It's not that your DD1 doesn't trust you. I think she does not want the little one's routine to be disturbed. He probably prefers his own bed and with the imminent arrival of the new baby, she probably doesn't want the older boy to feel he is being pushed out of his own home.
Don't feel sad about the situation. Some young mums don't want to let go. I know one of my is dreading the day she has to send her little one to Nursery.
Chin up...things are not always as bad as you think.

ElaineI Wed 05-Jun-19 20:56:36

He has maybe never slept at anyone else's house before and mummy going into labour is not the best time unless it is an emergency and can't be avoided.
My DS (now 32) never slept anyone's house until he was in his late teens. We had to pick him up late in the evening from a friend's when he was about 8 - the friend came back with us so not unusual.

Callistemon Wed 05-Jun-19 21:05:52

Perhaps she thinks that this could all be a bit overwhelming for the little boy, especially if he has not been used to staying overnight with you.
You both assumed without discussing this properly and I think your DD wanting him to stay in his own bed with all his things around him is probably the best for him. What if your DD has to go off in the middle of the night?

Do you not have a spare room or at least a spare mattress if he should come to stay in the future?
I am with your DD on co-sleeping too.

Perhaps you can offer help after the baby arrives
Best wishes, hope all works out well.

March Wed 05-Jun-19 21:17:41

Just because it works for your other Grandchildren doesn't mean it will work for all children.

I don't think it's about not trusting you, she's just putting her child first and she knows him best.

There will be less disturbance for him if he is in his own home, with his own things, his own bed and his own routine.
Mom and Dad will be gone, He will no doubt be missing them.

He will be in a new surrounding in someone else's bed for the first time, no parents and at night. It will be daunting for a 3 year old. He might not sleep through and/or get upset during the night, they can't come and collect him!

Last thing your DD needs is worrying about her son. She's doing what is right for him.

BradfordLass72 Wed 05-Jun-19 21:57:25

May I write a note as if I were your daughter?

Dear Mum,
I'm sorry he's not staying over with you. I hadn't quite realised what trouble I'd be putting you to, hauling all your stuff over to our place. So I elt really bad when you pointed it out, and asked a friend to babysit him.

As you'll remember, going into labour is quite a traumatic thing and I want to know my wee boy is safe and happy, when I am helpless and away. Does that make sense?

So having him in his own bed, with its own smells and comforts, is essential for my well-being as well as his.

I've never gone along with co-sleeping either, even with us, so not with a grandma who isn't too well either, for everyone's sake. It's really nothing personal in that sense, just not right for my peace of mind.

I am very precious about my boy, I know that. He's only three and so very vulnerable. Maybe when I have two to look after, I'll let go a little but children are surrounded by so many dangers and I'm sure you were as fearful for me when I was tiny. So much can go wrong, can't it?
I hope you will try to understand how I feel, especially at this time with all my protective hormones raging.

I don't want to make things any more difficult than they already are and with your health problems, you've enough to cope with.
I love you Mum
Your dear daughter.

luluaugust Wed 05-Jun-19 22:29:04

I am not sure it is to do with her trusting you, I think on this occasion your DD had an idea of what she wanted to happen when she had her baby and that was for her son to be in his own bed. I would never have a small grandchild sleeping in with me and maybe she worries about your mobility but doesn't like to say so. I would just go with the flow, the decision is hers and has been made and look forward to enjoying the new baby.

stella1949 Thu 06-Jun-19 04:19:37

I'm surprised that you don't have a spare bed just for the children - do your other grandchildren normally sleep with you in your bed ? My house is only small but I have a "special bed" ie a camp bed, just for sleep-over children which they love. If I were your DD , I'd also be concerned about a 3 year old sleeping in with his grandmother. Maybe that is what put her off.

Sara65 Thu 06-Jun-19 07:03:09

I think you’re probably over reacting, I would think your daughter just wants everything to be as normal as possible for her little boy, with the minimum if upheaval

It’s a stressful time for her, I’m guessing she just wants one less thing to worry about

With regards to the bed situation, my youngest always slept with her granny when visiting, she had plenty of spare beds, but my daughter just liked the comfort. But I can see that it’s not ideal, as others have said, maybe a good idea to buy a blowup bed

BlueBelle Thu 06-Jun-19 07:26:01

I too am a bit surprised at your sleeping arrangements how do your other grand children sleep when they come to your house? If you have medical problems that you need ‘ ‘to haul all your medical stuff with you” how could the little chap sleep in your bed with whatever equipment it is you use You speak of your husband so how many bedrooms do you actually have?
Anyway that’s all irrelevant your daughter has made other arrangements now that will keep the little chap in his own bed and sounds the right decision to me You do need to be flexible with such a young child and such an important and stressful time I m sure you will be able to help with the little chap after the baby is here but you must go with what she feels is right for her child/children not what you think

Don’t forget her first choice WAS YOU

talkingdead Thu 06-Jun-19 08:18:12

Thank you for all of your replies, I have had time to reflect and I agree with everyone’s responses. He is still quite young, and he’s never slept out before. I think I am worrying a bit prematurely. I will talk to my daughter, she is probably just waiting to speak to me in person.
To those who have asked about sleeping arrangements, I am so used to my other DGC co-sleeping that it’s become the norm. I will look into alternate arrangements. Thank you again.

BlueBelle Thu 06-Jun-19 08:32:48

talkingdead strange user name 😊 thanks for your updates and glad to hear you’ve had a rethink
Please please don’t change your sleeping arrangements if they suit your family, it is your business and yours alone and if you and the other grandkids are happy that way keep it as it is and that’s important
My ex mother in law bless her beautiful lady worked as a nurse with 7 children of all sort of ages she and father in law had separate rooms and all the kids from tiny to adult would get into bed with mum or mum coming off night duty would get into bed wherever was the nearest empty one it was completely informal but it suited them I remember as an adult only child I sat on her bed having a chat when in walked one adult son and got into bed with her There was nothing at all unnatural to them and nothing nasty
If it suits you and them, leave it as it is. Don’t be led away from a natural arrangement by others who see it as weird
I was just worried about the little one being unsettled in a strange bed with medical equipment abound
Keep onside with your daughter she ll need her mum
Good luck

talkingdead Thu 06-Jun-19 09:34:19

It obviously isn’t suitable for everyone and It means I can accommodate my DGS when he’s older and my DD1 when she is ready. Again Thank you everyone.

MovingOn2018 Fri 07-Jun-19 17:56:20

Not sure you'd want your grandchildren to co-sleep with you. So where does your husband even sleep when the grandkids sleep with you in your bed? And then there's all that medical equipment added into it. Also at 3 are of age, children are still rolling over and falling off of bed and most preferably need to sleep on toddler beds, as these are much lower, and not an adult bed where they can roll and fall of. Or do you hold them to sleep all night?

This is all so bizarre to me, why you'd want your grandchildren to co-sleep with you at such a tender age? And depending on your illness, I wouldn't leave my child with an adult that needed so much care themselves, such that they were incapable of taking care of a toddler, who has also never spent a night at your house, away from his home and co-sleeping with an adult in a room thats foreign to him.

My children never ever slept at anyone's house for there wasn't any need for that. Your name also creeps me out to be honest. Such a weird name, scary and bizarre post. Something about it, won't say what it was - just gave me the chills!

dizzyblonde Fri 07-Jun-19 18:35:19

I would imagine the user name is a play on words with The Walking Dead which, from memory, is a zombie film. User names don’t need to mean anything, I’m neither blonde nor dizzy!
Feeling chills about it is a tad over dramatic.

talkingdead Fri 07-Jun-19 19:43:01

It’s the name of the show after the walking dead that discusses that weeks episode, sorry to freak you out.
My husband often works overnight or he’ll sleep on the sofa bed those nights. But like I said we are making steps now to sort alternate sleeping arrangements.

Gonegirl Fri 07-Jun-19 19:44:48

I'm not gone. So far.

talkingdead Fri 07-Jun-19 20:09:11


Starlady Sat 08-Jun-19 10:51:46

I'm glad you decided to rethink this, talkingdead, and that the comments here have helped. I think you were very wise not to try to haul all your medical equipment over to DD1's house, and you had a right to say you wouldn't/coudn't do that. But, IMO, she then also had a right to decline your offer of having GS stay at your house. The sleeping arrangements may be a big part of her concerns, and I'm glad you're making something else available.

Please remember, though, that, no matter what sleeping arrangements you have, DD1 may not be ready for GS to sleep over until he's older. IMO, Every parent is different and sometimes, that depends on the child and the parent's perceptions of their needs. Please always respect each DD's wishes for her own kids.

Buffybee Sat 08-Jun-19 11:06:56

I wouldn't worry about it!
I have always moved into my Daughters house to look after her three overnight but my Son's boy always stays here with me.
This is what both parents prefer and I just go along with whatever they think is best for their children.

MovingOn2018 Sun 09-Jun-19 12:45:10

*User names don’t need to mean anything, I’m neither blonde nor dizzy!
Feeling chills about it is a tad over dramatic*

Its not in your place though to label people as being over dramatic based on how they feel. Its almost like me saying that your comment on this without a doubt makes you blonde and dizzy.

dizzyblonde Sun 09-Jun-19 13:52:22

In the same vein, no one should comment on anything ever as it is not our place to disagree with anyone’s responses/ feelings about anything.
Gransnet would be a rather empty place if that was the case as most threads are started by someone’s feeling about something.

MovingOn2018 Sun 09-Jun-19 14:35:03

An opinion vs telling someone else what you think they feel - big difference. Don't try and divert it now. We were discussing the one comment you made and not a diversion and deflection to Gransnet in an attempt to take away from the subject matter at hand - which was addressing what you said. You can't tell people how they feel. You can however tell them how you "think," they feel. Another big difference. Bye now!

Starlady Sun 09-Jun-19 15:03:00

Thinking more about this, talkingdead:

"I just feel sad that we won’t have the same relationship with GS as we do our other grandchildren. I am worried that if she doesn’t let go a little he will get older and think we favour our other GC as we are allowed to do all these fun things with them but not him. "

I totally get your concern. Hopefully, DD1 will "let go a little" as GS gets older, and same w/ the new one as he/she gets older. If not, it may be best not to let them know about the activities you do w/ your other GC. If that's not possible (hard to keep kids quiet about things, LOL), then I'm going to suggest that you do things for DD1's kids that INCLUDE her and her DH. In other words, plan similar kinds of activities but just invite the parents along. That way, you can share the same kind of fun times w/ DD1's kids as you do w/ your other grands, and yet, DD1 won't be worried about their being away from her or anything like that.

One other thought - Do you use car seats, etc? If not, that may be why DD1 is reluctant to send GS w/ you. Same if you tend to seat little ones in the front. I know that child car seats are the law, so you probably do use them. But Iv heard of some GPs who just take their chances and don't.