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Grandkids don’t seem to like me + hubs isn’t into grandparenting

(57 Posts)
Simplelife Mon 10-Jun-19 02:31:31

Hi, first post. Hubs and I have 5 grandkids, 3 with his 2 daughters and twins with my son. I’ve got 2 issues: 1) My beautiful 3 year old grandsons, in the past year, have gone off me. I see them a few times a week usually in the roll of helping my busy DIL by taking them to daycare so she can get to work when my son is working shift work. This is killing me because I adore them. (The other 3 are no problem, always hanging off my legs and excited to see me). The twins run to all the other grandparents super excited but run away from me at times. I’ve been in tears so many times I’m wondering if this rejection is good for me. Am I spending too much time helping dil instead of being the fun nanny? Are they associating me with having to go to daycare, etc? 2) Second issue is painful. Hubs is just not that in to grandparenting. He loves all the kids and they all adore him but he acts annoyed if I want us to spend time with the grandkids. I want us to be doting grandparents and he just doesn’t want that. This is a big one for me and has me very torn. Sometimes I feel single. We are together more than 20 years and are not married. Advice?

alchemilla Wed 12-Jun-19 14:37:49

OP I would just take a step back and not be over invested in the current behaviour. My DM looked after my DC (involving taking time off her job and swopping homes for two days and a night because she lived in London where I needed to be for long hours) and my DC associated her at that point with me leaving and were difficult. She didn't panic or cry or let them know how distressed she was. She didn't try to bribe them to love her. Two years later she was their favourite person because she was interesting, interested in them and kind and thoughtful.

Starlady Wed 12-Jun-19 11:59:50

Hmmm... I doubt that the 2 issues are related at all except that they both show that the OP isn't fully happy w/ her GP experience right now.

Simplelife, I definitely think the twins see you as the-GM- who-takes-us-to -Daycare or, more likely, they just associate the other GPs w/ more fun memories. IDKY this should be a problem though if they enjoy their Daycare. Have you mentioned this to DS and DIL?

Perhaps you could do something to make your trip to Daycare more fun. But I would check w/ DS and DIL first before taking them anywhere but where you're supposed to.

Regardless, chances are their feelings/behavior will change in time. No worries.

As for DH, I don't see how you can change his attitude. IMO, you need to consider seeing the grands on your own sometimes if that's possible (besides taking the twins to Daycare).

notanan2 Wed 12-Jun-19 10:10:18

Issue no2 will affect issue no1!

You have an ideal in your head, a preconception of what you think grandparenting should be, and the reality isnt matching so you are trying to force it to

Kids are astute and pick up on emotions. They will sense this fruatration and disappointment in you

Let go of the "dream" and embrace and enjoy the reality. The children will respond better to you if you relax and enjoy what IS not what you hoped it would be

annep1 Wed 12-Jun-19 08:47:06

To be honest I suppose although I use it now and again I'm not that keen on it myself (doesn't make sense I know). But I don't think it would stop the gc liking her.

sodapop Wed 12-Jun-19 08:34:21

Just a personal thing I expect Annepl I dislike 'hubby' and 'hubs' as well but each to their own of course.

annep1 Wed 12-Jun-19 05:48:42

Ngaiol what's wrong with "Hubs"??
I use hubby sometimes.

Gonegirl Tue 11-Jun-19 17:47:08

That's true.

sodapop Tue 11-Jun-19 17:39:08

I generally find the more you try to get children to like you the less likely you are to succeed. Try a more laid back approach Simplelife they can take you or leave you. That's probably why they like your husband so much, he doesn't invest too much in them.
You do have a life outside your family so take time to enjoy leisure time with your husband. The idea of a 'doting grandmother' may be a bit overwhelming.

Gonegirl Tue 11-Jun-19 17:29:10

Oh, the number of times I used to be in tears in the car on the way home from visiting DD and family, because GS1 had been so horrible to me! He would deliberately be mean to me. hmm

Seem reasonably loving now, at 17. (mind you, I sometimes think I'm going off him a bit now)

TwoSlicesOfCake Tue 11-Jun-19 15:30:56

I’m sorry you are so upset. It’s terrible to be brought to tears because other people aren’t meeting your expectations. I think it’s a sign that you are trying to force the relationship to be what you want and not let it naturally develop.
I say this about your son’s children and your SO.
Take a big step back. You are not in a parental role. Your son and DIL decided to have children. They need to figure out how to meet their family’s needs. You have been generous to help them with the children, but it’s not your role. They need to figure it out so you can be a grandma. Grandchildren should be fun. Just fun. You are not responsible for any child rearing. You are just a fun person in their life whose main relationship is with their parents.
Take a step back. Set boundaries with your son and DIL.
While you do that, focus on your SO. He is your focus. He is your main relationship. Enjoy each other again. Place your relationship with him above your relationship with your sons children.
Re connect with him and you won’t feel the need to be so involved in other people’s life because you’ll be so happy and satisfied with your own life.
It’s just a little reset.
You can do it. It will be great!

Chinesecrested Tue 11-Jun-19 11:25:13

Are there times when you see all the grandchildren together,? If so, the twins will see that the other dgc love you and make a fuss of you and they will want to be included in the action. That happened with my dgd who is 3 years younger than her dbro6. He adores me and runs to meet me, have cuddles and chats. She was much warier at first, but now races to get to me first, which doesn't please him at all!

luluaugust Tue 11-Jun-19 09:59:36

MOnica I agree about our own experiences of grandparents, my DH had no living grandparents and I can only remember one every elderly granny. My mother wasn't a hands on granny either and I am sure that is why when we first became grandparents we weren't sure how to handle things at first.

Ellie Anne Tue 11-Jun-19 09:08:12

I’ve looked after my two granddaughters 2 days a week since they were born. The other gran works full time and is a lot younger and fitter. She is the fun gran as I have to nag them to get ready, brush teeth etc and take them to school. But I appreciate my time with them and they feel secure that if mum and dad are working gran will be there. In the holidays I try to do fun things with them. I’ve been through the “i like other gran better than you “ stage. They are my sons girls so obviously their mum is closer to her own mum.

stella1949 Tue 11-Jun-19 02:42:49

Am I spending too much time helping dil instead of being the fun nanny?

You could be right - especially if the other grandparents are "fun". Could you try being a bit more "fun" when taking them to daycare ? I pick mine up from school every day, but always make sure to take them to the park and have a few treats for them as well. Perhaps you could spend half and hour at the park on the way to the child care ?

Baloothefitz Mon 10-Jun-19 22:21:05

Simplelife ....I prefer you saying Hubs to all this DH ,DD Detc etc etc personal choice I guess.

moggie57 Mon 10-Jun-19 20:03:23

maybe they do see you as the gran who takes them to daycare. have you talked to them about it.. yes i know they are three years old.or maybe talk to your daughter. maybe gc have picked up that grandad doesnt like them, children pick up and awful lot of things .but maybe they having a twin thing.give them time .they still growing ....try not to get tearful when they there ..

Silversands Mon 10-Jun-19 18:14:00

Please don`t worry about it, like you I have five grandchildren and I find the Twins can be more `challenging` than the other three because they tend to work as a Team and pick up on things so fast. Have you ever heard the saying "Familiarity breeds contempt"? I guess these two little terrors know exactly how to wind you up and do so because they are secure in the knowledge you love them and will put up with them as you are part and parcel of their family. Instead of seeing it as `Rejection` see it as a compliment. If you ignore this little phase, they will soon get bored with icing you out, particularly if you have a Grandma bribe of sweets in your pocket for the Twin that kisses/cuddles you best - works every time with my Twins, just don`t tell their parents or the `totally correct` (i.e. boring) non-bribing grandparents one occasionally meets. wink

busyb Mon 10-Jun-19 17:50:12

I had such a good relationship with my older granddaughter (son's) and for the first 3 years a great relationship with my other granddaughter (Daughters) then she started to really dislike me (or so it seemed) I put a lot of effort in ignoring this and kept persevering, suddenly aged 7 she was back to her old self with me. I also used to look after her whilst parents worked at weekends and I think she associated me with her parents not being there. Keep smiling.

Sheilasue Mon 10-Jun-19 17:37:58

They haven’t gone off you, it’s because they see you most of the time and they get excited at seeing there other gps because they don’t see them as much. They know your always there helping their mum and there’s a routine each day.

Legs55 Mon 10-Jun-19 16:43:32

I would ignore the behaviour certainly don't make a fuss about their attitude to you. My DGS2 is 2 now & has only just started to come to me for a kiss & a cuddle but my DD said when I left the other week he kept asking where's Nansmile

I'm not a very hands on Nan but will play with DGS2 if that's what he wants. Young children are usually very attached to their Mum & as they're twins they may behave differently to a single child. Maybe you're just trying to hard or are anxious which they will pick up on. They are too small to articulate their feelings.

Non of us are "perfect" Grandparents but in general our Grandchildren lov us evn if they don't always show it

M0nica Mon 10-Jun-19 16:43:27

Saggi for men in particular, I think it is sometimes a question of their own experience of a grandfather's role.

DH has no experience of grandparents. All bar one of his had died before he was born and the one survivor having been widowed, had remarried and had children the same age as his grandchildren, so had no interest in his GC.

DH isn't a bad grandparents and loves his DGC and they love him, but he is more passive with them than I am, but I had grandparents and one grandmother in particular, whom I adored and was very close to.

Coyoacan Mon 10-Jun-19 15:28:41

My granddaughter always makes a big fuss of the people she doesn't see everyday. We have also found that she sometimes feels that it is the fault of the person minding her that she cannot be with her mother.

BusterTank Mon 10-Jun-19 15:24:10

Just ask the child if you have upset him in some way , its the only way your going to find out .

Saggi Mon 10-Jun-19 14:51:36

My grandkids seem to like me...I spend a lot of time taking to and from schools. Go to school little girl play footie, on windy muddy grandson at boxing club...have general fun with them!
My husband doesn’t seem to like kids ...woundnt spend any of his Oh-so-precious time playing , or reading , even talking to ours when little or our grandkids .Result is: kids don’t seen to care at all wether he’s in the world or not( pretty certain they think it wouldn’t make any difference to them).... and the two grandchildren have actually told me that “ they don’t like grandad”...we are
the only grandparents they d got ....what a legacy some people leave behind them!!

M0nica Mon 10-Jun-19 14:40:05

I am surprised that everyone experiencing this behaviour takes a child acting like this so personally.

At the under 5 age, and sometimes past it children are prone to all kinds of whims and fancies. My sense of self is not based on how my young grandchildren treat me.