Boundaries and "knowing my place"

My circumstances were similar for a long time. But I have found that the only way to deal with these feelings is to accept the situation. Hard but can be done.

I know exactly how you feel and I was only doing a couple of pickups a week and the odd emergency. All the childcare gone, and they are such a tonic to be with as much as an occupation. Voluntary work has been the answer for me. Yes, you need to take a step back and give Mum back her kids! It was an amazing feat to keep your daughter afloat with the circs as they were, so you can be proud of that, a job well done.

Maybe tell daughter how you feel, say you miss hearing all the news and could you fix a week;y day and time for a round up on the phone?

Phil
I think you sound like a fantastic gm and credit to you. Im hazarding a guess here but i imagine that your d lives close by because she wants and needs your involvement.. Kids being kids she probably doesn't tell you as much as she should that she values your support! However, for her own sense of worth and self esteem it's time for her to take back the reins and time for you to let her. I wonder if you could maybe alter your perspective a little? How about putting your relationship with the gc to the side for a bit and maybe focus on you and your d spending some quality time together? She may just be a tad jealous and reestablishing the positives between you might just be the way back in for a happy family balance.. Good luck x

I agree Namsnanny. A little kindness all round never goes amiss.

Specks has hit the nail on the head. I must try to do this as well.....re-establish a relationship with my daughter, whose 2 children, I practically brought up. Picked kids from nursery, then school, fed and watered them , and as soon as she returned from work, I would leave. She was too tired too talk and I was in a rush to get home.
To add to it, my daughter and I are sort of at odds with each other, because I referred to her Ex as a lazy so and so. It makes me mad that she still holds a candle for him. Women have to be strong and hold their dignity.

Philippa60 you sound like a lovely level-headed lady who is fully aware of all the intracacies of her family life. I can understand where you are coming from - I feel young, vital and happy when I am with my grandchildren but old, depressed and gloomy when I am with my husband who is quite content to slide into old age which terrifies me. The improvement in your daughter's situation will maybe help her sort some issues of guilt that she may have been feeling as a mother. I have a very close relationship with my grandchildren and I can sometimes see the conflicted feelings my daughter has regarding our relationship. Once she has got her own head around things, you will once again be back in the thick of things. Are you and your husband able to take a holiday to reset yourselves or at least reset you? (Unfortunately husbands are tricky ones to deal with. ......If only I had a magic wand.......!!!!) Absence makes the heart grow fonder and I'm sure you would receive a warm welcome on your return. Just remember you are not alone in feeling the way you do.

I'm in a similar position to you Philippa60. Our daughter was very unwell and we had her children live with us for a few years, which was tiring and also delightful. Then our daughter died and her children went to live with their dad. All of a sudden I was redundant and empty. I hated it but knew it was best for the children (not that we had any choice) for them to grow up in a younger family. Luckily we have been allowed to keep contact to everyone's satisfaction and the GC are thriving. My solution was to take up a new hobby, and accept that I have to step back. I still get 'empty nest syndrome' a year later, but it's getting easier, and I feel lucky that the outcome for us and the GC has been so positive. I hope your new situation soon gets to feel more 'normal' to you to.

I too know the feeling well and I would imagine most grandparents can relate to this, especially when you have helped bring them up... I had to give myself a good talking to because I missed my grandaughter so much, my DIL is divorced from my son so that itself is an issue but she is a good girl and let's me have my grandaughter in the holidays. My husband has bad health problems and my DGD keeps me going. I am looking into voluntary work to fill the gap. Take care, just let your DD know you are there for her. Good luck xx

Witchypoo. I was sad to read your message but I do admire your 'project'.

Be happy for your daughter. Its our job to equip them for life and let them live it. If you want more contact with your GK's why not try Skyping with them? They get to be involved in computer stuff which they all love, they get to talk to you and you get to talk to them. All without muscling in on your daughter's daily life. Explain to her that you really miss the daily interaction and really miss seeing the kids. Tell her you don't want to intrude in her daily life so maybe she would let them Skype with you? I think you may be on a winner here. You get to know what is going on with them, your daughter knows how you feel and there is no pressure on your husband because the kids aren't physically there! It can be as often as the kids want, maybe one at a time so you get more Skyping time!

Phillipa60....I wish you well in your letting go of the reins so to speak ,I was in a similar situation with my grandson a few years ago & actually felt as though I was his mother in a lot of ways as he was born when I was 35 & my son was a single parent.But things changed & my son met a wonderful young woman & they have gone on to have twin girls .She cares for & loves my grandson as her own ,but I was certainly bereft when I wasn't his daily carer. Can I also say I do like how you call your daughter just D & not DD & grandchildren not DGC ,I personally find it very muddling.

Poor you! I have had a similar experience. My beloved daughter died in March, from flu, of all things, she left two adult daughters (20 and 25). I did all I could to help in the immediate aftermath, introducing them to a wonderful funeral director etc., offered practical help, only to be told in very explicit terms that I am ‘an interfering old bag’!
I tried to help, without in any way taking over, but remember I was grieving too, still am. So I’ve decided to remove myself from the whole hurtful situation.
I haven’t spoken to them since April, along with my younger daughter who apparently doesn’t want to know me either.
So now I’m being investigated for colon cancer, just to put the icing on the cake.
Luckily I have two wonderful sons and daughters in law, brilliant friends and neighbours, so am sticking with them and being kind to me

I think you should be proud of the fact that your previous support has helped your daughter to get to this improved stage in her life.
Your input has obviously helped , relax and enjoy your grandchildren , a new phase has been reached. All the best

Thanks again for the wonderful advice and tremendous support. I am feeling humbled by the circumstances some of you shared in taking care of the GKids when D was ill and then losing your daughter - that is so terribly sad and my heart goes out to you.
I know I need to count my blessings and move on, which I am trying hard to do.
This post has struck a chord with so many Grans which is reassuring in itself.
Thanks to you all
Phil60

I agree with this post that it's totally natural to be feeling bereft. Embrace that feeling and be secure in the fact that you helped tremendously but know that you have to step back. I am a relatively new Nana (she's 3). She is the light of my life and I love spending time it's her, but the hardest part is stepping back and letting son get on with it.

Esmenonna, congrats on recently (3 years) becoming a nan! I have a question for you. I found your post very helpful, as it brought up two questions for me that might help me in my own relationships.

Why do you feel your son's daughter is the "light of your life?" Shouldn't you son be?

You said the hardest part is letting your son get on with bringing her up. Why is that hard? Do you miss parenting a little one? Do you not think your son will not do a good job?
Why is it hard to let your son parent his child? Why is it hard to let him experience what you clearly enjoyed so much?

Please, I intend no rudeness, I'm honestly very curious.

Good mama, Sorry for late reply- am new to this!
My son is very precious to me. I adore him - he is so lovely, kind, everything, but when I had him(he's 30 now), I experienced terrible post natal depression. I was also in my 2nd year of university and had an unstable relationship with his father. (We're all sorted now - 26 years marriage this year), so motherhood was not fun! I love being a Nana as I don't have the same stress so I think that's why it came out that way!
With regards to the 2nd question, even though my son is a wonderful father, I am definitely an all or nothing person and when I give/ love I do it so passionately, I scare myself! I wasn't sure what being a Nana was going to be like, so it's a massive learning curve. I just sometimes want to interfere when he is perfectly capable of dealing with her tantrums himself.
No need to apologise - your post has actually got me reflecting on a few things so thank you.

*Namsnanny - Really I can’t get away from the gut feeling that it’s not about grans knowing their place.
Surely it’s not a competition from which we are all supposed to know when to ‘step back’?
Doesn’t anyone think that this is one of life’s opportunities for a d or dil, and a son or sil to apply a little understanding and kindness to the situation?
Why is it so hard for others to put themselves into grans position for a millisecond and show some kindness and common sense!
It’s like any new phase in life, it works out better when a little thoughtfulness is applied.*

I agree *Namsnanny. It seems to me that there is a surprising lack of what you describe in quite a significant number of the scenarios that are raised and discussed on this forum.

Esmenonna,
Thank you for your reply. I'm so sorry to hear about your post natal depression and difficult time early in your relationship with your sons father. However, congrats on 26 years strong in marriage - to be celebrated for sure.
I appreciate your post and it has helped me and given me a few things to think about as well.
Best to you!

Meant to say, Philippa, that I agree w/ those posters who say you've done a wonderful job! Bravo! No doubt, it's partly b/c of you that DD was able to focus on and improve her health and her marriage. I'm sure that was the goal all along though I understand your ambivalence about the changes.

"Right now I feel like I am a nag and I hate it about myself.
The ironic thing though is that when I am NOT available, she gets cross - can't win, I guess!"

I'm not sure why you would feel like a nag. Are you pushing for visits? Or pressuring DD to do things your way? If it's just for visits - and coupled w/ the comment about her expecting you to be available when she needs you, I think it is - then, I agree w/ PPs that it might be better to do some advance planning or work out a schedule than to come to places where one or the other has to say "No." Hope DD agrees and that you two can work this out.

"I guess I am now a "normal" Grandmother, not a replacement Mum, and there are definitely advantages to that! "

Yes, there are. You don't have to worry about disciplining them. You don't have to run to school with a forgotten lunch or decide what to do if they're not feeling well, etc. You can just enjoy them when you see them, be a "special treat" for them. I know none of that will keep you from missing the greater involvement, but please try to focus on the pluses of your new situation.

I would express your feelings to your adult daughter in a non confrontational way (I really miss being close to them). Perhaps you can work out one or two days a week when they come to you after school or a regular overnight on one weekend night so she and husband can have a date night.
I'd suggest it, then get busy with other pursuits and don't always be available if she calls at the last second.

Hi Phillipa just wanted to say it may not be that bad as I’m in the opposite situation. I too have always been like a second mum as my daughter worked and quite frankly didn’t want her life to change when she had the kids. She enjoys holidays and looking glam, not housework, football pitches and homework wars, I’ve always done all of that. Problem is it’s now getting worse as they are older and prefer being with me to at home, my health isn’t great but I do it for the kids. I would love her to be a bit more of a mum to give me my life back before it’s too late.
So maybe enjoy this time, you will always have a special bond with the children, no one can take that away, it’s your time now x

I would also add that you be thankful that D is now on the right track as it could easily have gone another way.