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Grandparenting

How Much should I be involved

(49 Posts)
kiki2 Sun 28-Jul-19 11:24:50

My first grandchild is one week old and we have seen him about 4 times so not every day .
As I write this , I am not sure when I am going to see him again
Should I ask to see him or should I wait to be invited ? I don’t want to appear pushy or my daughter to think that I don’t care so not sure what to do ?
Any advice would be welcome , thank you

grannylyn65 Sun 28-Jul-19 11:27:17

I would just ask when it’ll be convenient

dragonfly46 Sun 28-Jul-19 11:31:11

I would say to your daughter exactly what you have said here. If you have a good relationship you can start off in a way that suits you all. I never plan these things but let things happen organically that way I am never disappointed.

MawBroonsback Sun 28-Jul-19 11:35:14

Always wait! You could offer to get shopping and to pop round, pick up washing/ironing and to pop round, but do not on any account arrive uninvited. The new parents need their time alone together to get used to being a family, they will need rest and your daughter will need peace and quiet to establish feeding.
You say 4 times in his first week?
Gosh!
Enjoy your new grandson!

glammanana Sun 28-Jul-19 11:52:29

kiki Congratulations on your new arrival. How often did you visit your daughter before the little one arrived and where you invited or just drop in unannounced.
I would ask your daughter what suits her best but please allow the new parents time to re-ajust to their new lifestyle and routine with feeding etc.
Take some freezer meals when you go to give her and her husband some free time they will be gratefully received I'm sure..
After a few weeks you will be able to ask to take baby out in the pram for an hour or two to allow new mum some time to herself for a wee bit of home pampering for herself and go from there..

TwiceAsNice Sun 28-Jul-19 12:38:37

Ask your daughter what she would like you to do. Take some things to help them as parents not just for the baby. Meals and cake are always appreciated. Maybe food or beauty treats for you daughter and don’t forget to ask after your SIL he will be tired too.

Give them some space to bond and maybe take the ironing away with you

Lots of lovely times to come!

Grammaretto Sun 28-Jul-19 13:30:40

I've been looking back at old photos on Flickr. They go back to the very early days when our first DGC was born in 2006 and it's noticeable how many photos DH and I are in. Plenty back then and trillions of pictures..

Gradually as they grew up and more DGC arrived we weren't needed so much, or invited so much, it is reduced to major family occasions: Big birthdays, Christmas, holidays etc some of which did not involve us but we still like the photos!

Life has a habit of going its own way and you should be careful and sensitive about baby viewing and don't feel slighted if the initial wanting to show him off, wears off as routine sets in..
Lovely to have a new baby in the family. Congratulations and carry on knitting.

SueH49 Sun 28-Jul-19 13:47:52

Personally I think 4 times in the first week is excessive unless you have been asked to visit. The new parents need time to sort out life with a new baby and to do so without a parent hovering over them.

Auntieflo Sun 28-Jul-19 13:55:43

I think that the new mum will be wanting plenty of rest at the moment.
Give her time and she will be pleased to see you in her own time, but don’t push her.

cornergran Sun 28-Jul-19 14:37:46

Oh kiki I don't think there's a 'should'. It depends on your daughter's needs and the family system. In some families it's fine for folk to just drop in, others function differently. Some people like their own space, others prefer company. You've been able to be with your new grandson four times in a week, don't spoil those times by worrying about the next opportunity. Be guided by your daughter and her partner, the ebb and flow of visits will work out if you don't try too hard to shape it. Congratulations, it's an exciting time.

Madgran77 Sun 28-Jul-19 17:39:28

Ask if she needs anything, say you are happy to pop round if she needs you to ...and wait. Enjoy!

notanan2 Sun 28-Jul-19 17:43:07

Youre asking the wrong people. Ask the baby's parents. Not everyone feels the same way about visitors. Some want lots of company and help, others want space to find their feet. You will miss the mark either way if you dont just ask.

Loulelady Sun 28-Jul-19 18:27:17

Do you WhatsApp or text your DD? Did you do so before the baby was born?
It’s a great, really non-intrusive way of keeping in touch. Juggling unexpected phone calls with a baby can be a pain. I’d keep up chat on that, checking how they all are, sending amusing stuff whatever.
Every so often, just add that you are ready of pop over any time with a meal or takeaway or to help out or just see them, but that you are sure they need some time to themselves so no rush.
Four times in the first week is a lot, if his parents have done the same plus the odd friend, they are probably shattered.

SirChenjin Sun 28-Jul-19 19:25:12

Ask the parents - only they can tell you for certain as a pp says. Remember that you have a whole lifetime ahead of you to enjoy getting to know your DGS, so don’t be at the door too often in the early days when it’s Armageddon and let them know you’re at the end of a call/text whenever they need you. They’re getting to know their new son at the moment so give them time to do that and take your cues from them. Congratulations on becoming a GP! thanks

Sara65 Sun 28-Jul-19 21:46:54

I agree with all of you who say, don’t just drop in, even if you were a dropper inner before baby arrived, the rules may have changed.

As others have suggested, offer to pick up some shopping, or take home the ironing basket, but mum and baby need time alone.

If you get on well with your daughter, and it sounds like you do, it will all fall into place

Enjoy

Tangerine Sun 28-Jul-19 22:55:47

Ask what you can do to help and say "I shan't keep pestering but you know I'd love to see the baby again when convenient".

I suppose a lot depends on your relationship with your daughter.

Perhaps you could ask via text and avoid telephoning at an inconvenient time.

Starlady Mon 29-Jul-19 09:21:16

Congratulations on your new GS! 4 visits in one week is wonderful, IMO! If you look around here, you will see that some GPs would give their eye teeth form much less than that.

IMO, you have been given excellent advice here. I agree that you should either wait for an invitation or ask DD if there's anything you can do to help. Please be ready to accept it graciously, though, if the help she wants is for you to do some laundry or housecleaning and not any babycare. Or if she declines altogether right now.

My DD wanted lots of help with one baby (colic) but not so much with the other. So much depends on the parents and the baby and their various needs and personalities. Please go with the flow, don't set any expectations about how often you "should" get to visit, and enjoy your new GS when you are w/ him!

NotSpaghetti Mon 29-Jul-19 09:37:49

Please let the new family have time to adjust. I would think 4 times in a week is way too many unless they are struggling with something. Do call them before you go and don’t say you want to go to see the baby. Say (and mean) that you’d like to give them a hand if you wouldn’t be in the way.

When you do go next, even if you want to just “see” the baby, pay attention to your daughter’s and partner/husband’s needs and make sure you take dinner or something. Adjusting to a new baby is really really hard. Think back to the mental as well as physical and practical changes it involves. You are a mother, in your heart you know this.

Please allow them time to become a family and grow into the new roles and hold back on your needs as a new grandmother. There will be time in future to enjoy that.
And congratulations!

notanan2 Mon 29-Jul-19 10:24:41

NotSpagetti some couples DO want more attention/help/visits and feel hurt and rejected if people seem to back off.

You cant assume. You need to follow the couples lead. Communicate, ask, listen. Every couple is different

NotSpaghetti Mon 29-Jul-19 10:28:48

Exactly, notanan2

Witzend Mon 29-Jul-19 10:38:38

Don't know about anyone else, but my dd was always happy to see us, but then we would always bring a meal or the wherewithal to cook one (and cook it), put the washing on, hang it up, tidy the kitchen, load the dishwasher, do any shopping needed, etc.

IMO it's the sort of visitors who just want to hold and coo over the baby, expect to be given cups of tea and stay too long, etc. who arouse resentment.

But as always, personally I'd check first. 'Can I come and help with anything, or would you prefer some P and Q?

maryhoffman37 Mon 29-Jul-19 11:21:00

4 times in a week is a lot! Yes, do offer, perhaps by text, to cook a meal, do some laundry or otherwise help out so that your daughter can rest and enjoy bonding time with the bay. And don't let your anxiety interfere with this special, happy time.

Riggie Mon 29-Jul-19 11:25:25

I think it depends on what sort of visitor you are. If you just sit round and cuddle the baby while they make you cups of tea then the four times in the week sounds a lot. But if you are the sort of person who makes them a cuppa, sees a sinkful of washing up and just dives in and does it then that's quite different!!

jaylucy Mon 29-Jul-19 11:27:19

I'd certainly have a quiet word with your daughter. At the moment, she needs to feel she can do things on her own but that you are there for support if she needs it. In these days of mobile phones and internet, it won't be hard for her to contact you!
What may well be more helpful is that you take round ready prepared meals and some shopping for her, including a few little treats for her and her partner.
Doing her ironing / laundry for a few weeks would also help or maybe just come to an arrangement that you will go round to see her on a certain day once a week or even ask her to your house for a Sunday dinner / tea.

GoldenAge Mon 29-Jul-19 11:37:42

Tell your daughter that you are there when she wants you to cook them a meal and take it over, help in any other way so that she and hubby can enjoy as much time at this moment with their new baby - tell her also that you are delighted to be grandparents and would like to develop a great relationship with your grandson - the rest will flow - don’t intrude and don’t distance youeself