Adult child living at home

She could be depressed, but sleeping late can also be (and often is) simply a habit established by those who have no structure (a job) in their lives. From the kindness if your heart, you are enabling this. Your marriage should come first and, you say, it is suffering (“at rock bottom”) as a direct consequence situation. If you insist she moves out, no doubt she will have a self-entitled tantrum (I have one of those daughter’s too), but she is used to physical comfort and being indulged. It’s a big, uncomfortable leap from that to homelessness. If you are serious, and stand your grown, preferably together with your husband. She will have no choice but to cooperate with moving into independent accommodation. The threat of homelessness is just manipulation. Given that she is used to having lots of time to herself due to you caring for your grandson, I doubt she will want to give that up. So I doubt that she will prevent you from spending time with him (another likely threat).

Not a lot to add that others haven't already said. Your daughter may well have depression or mental health problems associated with her eating disorder or the nasty aftertaste of an abusive relationship, in which case she needs to see the GP and take it from there if she requires further help or counselling. That said, it does not give her grounds to be rude and lazy or to steal from you - saying she has "used our credit cards without permission" is stealing. Possibly stemming from her time in the bad relationship she has learned the art of emotional blackmail, to be manipulative and how to make effective threats in order to get your own way. Your daughter uses you as an unpaid childminder/babysitter then uses your grandson as an emotional stick to beat you with. She is obviously aware of the best ways to hurt you, to emotionally punch you where it hurts most; almost sounds like a classic case of the abused becoming an abuser and I think this needs to be addressed now before things get any worse. As primary carer for your grandson you would have grounds to fight for sole or shared custody if your daughter forces the issue, or you reach a stage where you feel you have no choice but to ask her to leave (this doesn't automatically mean your grandson has to leave too). Your daughter may well need help but she also needs to grow up and take responsibility for herself and her child. And you need to take some time out to seriously think about what you want to do - carry on the way things are or make some changes. If you are financially supporting your daughter she needs to claim benefits or get a job (or both if she could get a job, even on a low wage, and get benefit top-ups of some kind). This is obviously having an effect on you and sounds like you could become depressed yourself if nothing changes. Perhaps your daughter needs a reality check in addition to the GP & job centre visits! If your daughter refuses to get help, make changes, pull her weight, be civil, look after her son, get a job etc then you have to put your grandson's needs first - if his mother won't! Call her bluff and tell her if she elects to move out that's her choice but until she can prove she will properly care for her son he will be staying with you. I feel for you as your daughter has put you in a horrible position and ensured any decisions you make will be hard ones. I hope you can find a way to maintain a relationship with her, get her to see you only want what is best for her and your grandson etc - good luck

Has we only have the O/P side is it fair to condemn the daughter as a manipulator, lazy, an abuser ?

I'm afraid you have enabled all this behaviour so you have to take some of the blame for your lazy, ungrateful daughter. Change the pin number on your credit card or hide it thoroughly or keep it on your person at all times). Stop making her meals, doing all their washing, being a servant to her, go out in the morning so she has to attend to her own child and leave a list of jobs she has to complete during the day. If things don't improve, give her notice to leave and she will have to tell the council she is being made homeless.

Make sure that she has food and a roof but give her nothing else. Hide all cards - don’t let her access to any of your money at all. Don’t buy her clothes or sanitary products.
Your Grandson will be at school soon and then you can start to make some changes - when he’s not there to witness the fall out. He should get free nursery time now - why not arrange that yourself if she won’t?

This is a common problem and takes a clear strategy to exit the adult from your home. I would suggest you research on the internet, get advice from the CAB and when you are ready with a plan talk it over with the social services help line.
www.empoweringparents.com/article/failure-to-launch-part-3-six-steps-to-help-your-adult-child-move-out/

Whilst you are doing this you should ;make sure that your daughter visits the GP she must be depressed, and you help her find worth while things she would like to do in the community. think of every interest she has ever had and see if you can build participation in a relevant activity. Also is she receiving benefits. If not you need to help her get registered etc.

This is a difficult problem but in the long run better that it is addressed with care and concern for evy one's well being. Being independent as a mother is normal development which needs to happen.
When you have a plan you need to have your husband on baord with you.

It does sound like she has low self esteem and a don’t care attitude. The problem with being a parent is you love your children and they know that they have to kick really hard to knock you down and give up on them. I remember when my daughter going through her teens was awful at times and treated me with disrespect and she was a lovely child before this. I was so upset on one occasion and asked why she was so horrible to me and she said I have to keep smiling at everyone all day being nice and you are my mum a sounding board. I told her she is hurting the only person in the world who would fight her corner and will not take any more. It was hard but I told her to live with her dad which she didn’t want and things improved a bit. The reason I am saying this is that we allow ourselves to be treated badly. She needs counselling for her self esteem or she could very easily fall into the same kind of relationship she had before as she is vulnerable.

It seems to me that your daughter has depression. Maybe you could both see your GP who could make some referrals for your daughter.
People with depression have no motivation, no interest in anything, dread, anxiety and yes, just want to stay in bed. Your daughter needs help.
She needs to apply for benefits for herself and your grandson. Get advice via Citizens Advice or DWP will post the necessary forms for you daughter to complete.
I don't know all of the information but I know a grandparent can claim something if they look after a grandchild, no restrictions on the hours or days involved. With your daughter being at home I don't know if this would apply to you but worth asking.
In the meantime, if it were me, I would keep your credit cards where only you know where they are. I guess you've heard of 'retail therapy'. Some depressed or anxious people feel the need to keep buying which gives them 'a lift'
I agree that giving your daughter some jobs to do around the house would help occupy her mind but she seems to be in a rather deep depression with the classic symptoms of just can't be bothered and interested in nothing.
Remember, it take two to make an argument, state your case, be firm and walk away.
Good luck.

The ball is in your court.
Do you really want to be held to ransom over your GC?
Get a grip and give her a moving date say...2 months ahead and don't waver in your resolve.

It's totally your fault regarding the credit cards.
Why allow anyone the means to use them?
Did she go in your purse and steal them?
Do you leave them lying around?
I can't understand how you could be so irresponsible.
I won't go on. My bet is that it will continue because you'll cite your daughter's threats re contact with your GC.
I think you've made up your mind and whatever we say, even sensible resolutions will be overridden because of the threat.
If you are ok with being held over a barrel...go ahead, good luck.
She's got you.

Using your credit cards is fraud. If your bank(s) found out it could affect your credit rating. Others on here have covered the other points far better than I could.

Your daughter got a very rough deal in her young life. It's possible she may even be suffering the effects of PTSD. Whatever the cause may be, it's obvious that your daughter's mental health has been affected and she needs a lot of help.

Her eating disorder, her lack of motivation and her sleeping until noon, speaks louder than any words. She's giving up on her life and gradually leaving it up to you to take over. You are clearly a wonderful mother but this situation may be way over your head. Why? Because you don't have all the necessary resources to give her the kind of help that she really needs.

To begin with, she needs to see a good therapist that can treat her eating disorder and her depression. Next, she will have to get some skills training so she can get a living wage job.

Once she's happier, she'll be more productive. She'll probably be more willing to help around the house and take more care of her daughter. She'll also be able to go back to school, find a decent job and ultimately find her much needed independence.

This may all seem daunting, but you will be surprised how one step at a time gets you farther than you think. Start by getting her to a good doctor.

Wishing you all the best.

Apologies, I didn't realize your GC is a son, not a daughter.

I wonder how the daughter finds the 'get up and go' to spend all of the op's money, if she is so depressed?
What is she spending it on?

Firstly you all have my sympathy.
Secondly, can you and DH sit down with her and make a plan for their future. What does she want for their future? She has to lead. Would it help to have a prospectus handy for each Further Education college that she could get to, for her to flick through? It's that time of the year. If not, some kind of work experience ie working for no pay - it doesn't appeal to many. She writes a cv and sends it to all the appropriate firms in the accessible area.
Good luck to all of you x

Good question MissAdventure, it can’t be for household bills, surely not clothes, one shopping spree would be noticed

Oh dear. There is only one person that you can change here, and it's you. Put your own boundaries in place. Look after yourself and your own sanity. Do NOTHING for her except take her window shopping or for a coffee. You can't change her, she's got to want to do it for herself. Get yourself a safe or lock for your room door. Change your password on your phone, your computer; change your pin numbers- why on earth didn't you do it before she maxed out your accounts? Look after yourself, then you'll be there, able to listen and support. Believe in yourself. Love yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Online gambling is rife Annie.Bingo etc. Running up high mobile phone calls maybe.

Why are you leaving your credit card lying around or telling her the pin number when you know she uses it without your permission?

My heart goes out to you.
To stop her using your credit cards, get new ones with new numbers and a small safe which she can't access.
Get her to see a doctor with you there if you can and the you can tell him the problems she's having.
It would be hard for you to throw her out and she knows that. You don't say how old she is or if she had a job before her son was born?
Does she have special needs?
Once your grandson starts school she may get a bit better, I hope so for all your sakes.
She's getting angry when you confront her because she knows she's in the wrong. Maybe try and turn it around and say that you yourself and her dad need help,you're feeling ill (but not tell her a lot of it is down to her) and see if she can step up. Bit.
I wish you loads of luck.x

Didn’t think of those sharon perhaps icemaiden will explain when she replies to the posts

Perhaps you should concentrate on encouraging her to get a job and allow her and your grandson to stay with you until she is better established.

Was she working before she had her child? Could she go back to that type of work or if not is there another job she could do?

Even a part-time job would be better than allowing her to vegetate in the way she is doing at your expense.

Yes I do hope icemaiden will come back Annie. We never stop worrying for our children no matter what age they are do we.
Sending positive thoughts your way. I've got every confidence in you.
I drop in at your thread every now and then.

A pin number isn't needed for spending online ReadyMeals

I feel your daughter is possibly depressed and suffering from trauma or even PTSD.

I feel you must get her help through the mental health services...some talking therapies or she must see her GP for help for anti depressants and mental health support.

The Shaw Trust are excellent and so is shelter. They will help get her on some benefits and work with her to get her life back together.

You have done the right thing to give her and her son a roof over their heads and continue to love her when she has been abusive..I feel this is all part of her current mental health illness that is obvious to me.

Trauma created by abuse can take years to heal and will need specialist treatment.

Ant depressants may well be a massive boost to her lack of confidence and anxiety.

Seek the right help together and you will both have your own homes and lives eventually and re establish a beautiful new relationship with eachother.

I think you are a wonderful and very caring mum and I admire you deeply for how you have stuck by your daughter.

Show her my reply if it helps and tell her she will feel well and happy again and to be gentle with herself and you.

Tell the bank you have lost your cards and they will issue new ones within a few days. Before doing that, try if possible to get some cash for emergencies.

I agree with other posters about her being depressed and perhaps you could persuade her to see the doctor about treatment. I am sure that deep down she is appreciative about the help you are giving her and her little boy.