Adult child living at home

Depression, wheeled out at every opportunity.
Why not consider that her mother has facilitated her being lazy and dependent?

She's taking her mother for granted and her mother has carried on doing what she has always done.

If you do that you will always get the same result.

No small steps.
She's an adult.

Has she had any help with her eating disorder, lying in bed for long periods to avoid eating is a classic syptom of an eating disorder. Also spending money is a form of self medicating , she needs help and getting help needs to be a ground rule for her continuing to remain under your roof.
As for your grandchild , thank goodness he has you. Stay strong and get yourself some support. Good luck

Just to say, it seems your daughter is actually under tremendous stress and putting things right is, to her, a real mountain to climb.
I would aim for small wins.
Encourage her to get up and join you in taking your grandchild somewhere interesting for one day..
Make it fun (not forced) and enjoyable and aim to repeat it the next week, doesn't have to be expensive.
Everything is way too overwhelming for her at the moment so inch it along.
Make each step forward, a repeated habit, a weekly outing.
Perhaps then add a weekly joint baking session (might not be your/her thing but whatever it is, repeat repeat so that she actually feels a little in control.
Love and time will win the day. Good luck x

I totally sympathize with you! I live the same situation, almost, except thankfully, there is no child involved. My 35-yr-old daughter is single and has never wanted children because of long-term depression. She is in an abusive (long distance) relationship and is managing to try to finish her college degree, thanks to anti-depressants and a stimulant that helps her stay on task. Other than that, she is unable to carry the responsibility for caring for herself. She's super intelligent intellectually, but lags big time emotionally.

I have felt at my rope's end too, and considered going into counseling to help me deal with the frustration and pain of seeing daughter distraught, suffering and inept. This is something you may have to consider to stay sane under such pressure, for yourself, and for your grandson's sake.
For now I am OK and find solace in the small things in life and in meditation and Mooji videos on Youtube

Good luck to you!

This is eerily similar to my situation. My daughter is 19 and my grandson is 6 months old. They live with me and I'm supporting them financially for now.

Like others have posted, it sounds like your daughter might be depressed and lack self-confidence. (I see signs of it in my daughter as well. We have good days and bad days and I don't always know how to help.) Some great advice by other posters about taking things a step at a time. Motherhood is overwhelming for young mothers, and depression weighs them down further. But there's also a fine line you have to walk between supporting and enabling - I don't know where that line is yet myself. My main concern is my grandson's welfare.

I just noticed this thread is from August... I hope you are finding a way forward. Best wishes to you and your family.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Where does your daughter's income come from? She must be assessed, surely, and I wonder why she is not regarded as a jobseeker. Perhaps CAB can provide information about her position, because as long as you provide a home and free childcare she is going to continue evading her responsibilities.

as we only have the O/P side is it fair to condemn the daughter as a manipulator, lazy, an abuser

Not fair to label, but reasonable to raise as a possibility for the OP to consider in deciding a way forward.

If you allow her to behave like this she will.
Talk to her about being a good role for her child and help her through the door. Work out a financial plan for her to pay you back. Perhaps she has always been this type of character and you didn't see it.

I agree with what has been said about possible depression, if that may be the case she must get help from the GP. She has to understand that her child is her responsibility and lying in bed until midday isn’t acceptable. I worry that if OP kicks her out she will continue to behave like this, with possibly tragic consequences for the child. At least whilst OP he is safe. The GP needs to be the first port of call, but I also question what the daughter has maxed out the credit cards with, OP will be getting the statements so will know. Is she gambling online? Is she getting cash out? Sorry to suggest this, but could she be buying drugs?

I meant whilst with OP he is safe.

You are replying to a post that was first posted in August 2019
I doubt if the lady is still reading.