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Grandparenting

Adult child living at home

(55 Posts)
icemaiden72 Sat 03-Aug-19 21:49:36

Hi everyone. I'm at my wits end with my relationship with my adult child, who lives at home with us, along with our grandchild.

Our grandchild is the product of a relationship our daughter had with someone who was abusive and controlling. That relationship ended when my grandson, who is 4 now, was a baby, and the abusive ex has been prevented from having contact as a result.

I get that my daughter, who also has an eating disorder, had a terrible experience as a result of the relationship. But living at home with us and her little boy, our relationship has hit rock bottom. She doesn't work or attend any form of education, and sleeps in until midday regularly whilst I babysit when the little one is not at nursery and I'm not at work, including weekends. She takes no part in keeping the house clean and doing everyday chores when we are at work, saying she forgot and its up to me to remind her. She has used our credit cards without permission to the point they are maxed out.

If I confront her, she is rude, and abusive and it ends up in a screaming match. She says if she leaves she'll take my grandchild with her, and that as she has no money I'd be making them homeless. As I've spent so much time babysitting my grandson we are really close, he's like a son to me, and with no job I know my daughter would never manage financially bringing him up alone.

I know my daughter has been through a lot, and I don't have the heart to force them to find somewhere else to live, especially my grandson. My daughter knows this and I feel as if I'm being treated like a doormat but don't see a way out. I'd really appreciate some advice.

MissAdventure Sat 03-Aug-19 22:04:47

I'm sure your daughter is capable of working and living in a place of her own.
Why wouldn't she be?

paddyann Sat 03-Aug-19 23:34:44

is she depressed ? Not wanting to get up in the morning or do anything once she is up knd of points to depression.See if she'll visit her GP for some help

SalsaQueen Sun 04-Aug-19 00:18:50

Your daughter is either depressed or bone idle. Tell her to either see a doctor, if it is depression, or get a job/help around the house/be a mother to her child.

I certainly would make sure she gets out of bed at a reasonable time and sees to her daughter.

SalsaQueen Sun 04-Aug-19 00:19:20

sorry, just realised the child is a boy

GoodMama Sun 04-Aug-19 00:55:13

It sounds like there is a lot going on. She is either lazy or depressed, or both. And you and your DH have enabled her to be a child again.

Either way, it’s time for her to step up. You should sit down with the and create a plan. Get a job, save money, a timeline with deadlines to meet. Harms not capable/doesn’t want to/doesn’t no how to adult on her own. You will have to teach her. But if you don’t she won’t go anywhere.

She won’t like it. But hold her to it. She will need consequences (like a child) for not doing what she’s supposed to.

Don’t pay for any “fun” things for her. Wake her up to watch her own child, agree she has to apply for 5 jobs a day, go on 2 interviews a week, etc.

She needs work experience, anything will do.

She will kick, scream, threaten. But I doubt she will actually do anything. You make her life too easy. She won’t take her son and leave (yet). She’s pampered at home, it would be too hard to just leave.

Hopefully by the time she is able to move out (good job, aparement, day care set up, she has learned what you did was out of love and you have a good relationship.

But it’s time for tough love. Don’t let her hold her son over your head. Should she move out and choose to sleep on the street (she won’t) I’m sure he would end up back at your home.

Stand firm with her.

M0nica Sun 04-Aug-19 01:15:16

I am afraid tough love is called for here. Give her an ultimatum. Tell her that she has three months to get herself a job and a flat and sort out care for her son.

If after 2 months she has done nothing speak to social services and make it plain that she has made it impossible for her to continue living with you and that she needs to be out of your house within a month and that you will then change the locks when she leaves. In the meanwhile do not give her any money for anything, do no washing or ironing for her. You could leave her to sort her own meals out, while catering for your grandson.

Explain that her behaviour and refusal to act or discuss matters makes it impossible for you to work out a satisfactory solution with her and that eveiction is your only resource.

If all else fails the boy will be taken into care until your daughter sorts her life out.

Not an easy solution, you have my sympathy.

sodapop Sun 04-Aug-19 08:29:37

I agree with MOnica stop enabling your daughter to behave like this. Tough love, maybe a Drs appt to help with her low mood.
It's not going to be easy and I understand you are worried about your grandson but this situation is not good for him either.

EllanVannin Sun 04-Aug-19 08:40:03

The young woman sounds depressed. Don't " show her the door " as it won't help in any way. Some people are able to bounce back when they've got rid of their abuser but with others like your daughter it takes longer.

Saying that, it takes a long time for the mental state to adjust after having been controlled for any length of time so you're going to have to be patient, difficult as it is because you're dealing with someone who's been mentally traumatised and who needs the appropriate help concerning this.

One thing I would encourage, or even demand of her, is to see a GP.

Nico97 Sun 04-Aug-19 09:17:45

I agree about the tough love bit -absolutely yes. If I contacted Social Services though it would be to agree with them that any plan to evict her would result in my grandson staying with me - most definitely not going into the care system. I could never stand by and watch that happen, especially at such a tender age. You're his safety net, which is good for him. I feel so sorry for you in this awful predicament flowers

Anniebach Sun 04-Aug-19 09:19:13

Is your daughter having medical support for her eating disorder?

TrendyNannie6 Sun 04-Aug-19 09:25:13

I feel sorry for you what a awful situation, she sounds as if depressed but to max out your credit cards on top of everything else. Poor child too, I think if I was in that situation I’d try and talk to her and get her to go along to drs for check up in case of depression, if not depressed then she’s just playing you I’m afraid, it must have affected her being in a controlled realationship. But I feel you are being controlled by her now , you both deserve to get your lives on track and so does the poor child in the middle

Purplepoppies Sun 04-Aug-19 09:33:35

Well this sounds very tricky. Your daughter is blackmailing you because you have enabled her childlike behaviour.
In your situation I would wake her every morning as soon as your grandchild wakes. Tell her that you're no longer taking a parental role. And when you leave for work leave a list of chores you expect to be done. Every single day!! If your daughter is ever going to be an adult she has to behave like one.
I agree that she may well need a GP appt.
Is she attending any therapy for her eating disorder??

Barmeyoldbat Sun 04-Aug-19 09:37:21

Agree with Monica you cant go on like this.

Overthehills Sun 04-Aug-19 09:45:03

What Purplepoppies said.
It won’t be easy but I think tough love is the only way. I don’t want to be cruel but you’re not really helping her by giving in to her. She will have to stand on her own two feet sometime, better now when you’re around to catch her when she trips!

Sussexborn Sun 04-Aug-19 10:00:01

If your daughter did storm off with your grandson I would imagine kinship care would be the first consideration by social services especially as your GS knows you better than his own mother.

Perhaps taking one dysfunctional aspect at a time would be better as someone suggested on another thread, rather than trying to undo several years of trauma etc in a short amount of time. Definitely would agree you need to give her a timeline and tell her you will contact the child protection team for professional help.

Also talk to her when your GS isn’t going to hear cruel comments about not being wanted and what a rat his father is. Very hard to grow up unloved and unwanted.

SunnySusie Sun 04-Aug-19 10:10:04

It seems to me as if you and your daughter have an adult to child relationship, rather than adult to adult. Understandable, but it needs to change if she is to stop behaving like a stroppy teenager and start to be the adult she actually is now. Perhaps it would work if you viewed your living arrangement as a house share. Lots of young people house share now. When my son was sharing, the house mates all sat down together at the beginning of the tenancy and mutually agreed a list of household tasks that needed doing. They made a list and discussed who wanted to do what. The list was then stuck to the fridge each week and the person responsible ticked off their jobs as they were done. In your case it wont so much be getting the jobs done, but more treating your daughter as if she is a fully functioning adult capable of decision making and carrying out tasks off her own bat. If you are financially supporting her then rather than her using your credit cards she would be better with a weekly allowance paid on a set day and then not topped up if she runs out. That will encourage her to manage her own money. Easy to say I know and difficult to do, but I do feel she needs to get some self respect from behaving responsibly, which hopefully would make her less vunerable to abusive relationships with partners in the future.

TashHag Sun 04-Aug-19 10:10:30

What an awful situation for you, OP. Definitely take a tough love approach with your daughter.... but in your position, I’d stand up to her threats to take the little boy and tell her in no uncertain terms if she goes, she’s not taking the child until she’s proved she’s capable of looking after him properly. He stays with you. I know it’s harder work for you that way, but you’re doing it all anyway by the sound of it, and apart from how dreadful it would be for him to leave his stable home, you wouldn’t rest for a minute, worrying about what’s happening to him, alone with a mother who’s yet to live up to being one.

JulieMM Sun 04-Aug-19 10:11:03

I have had similar situations with both daughters and my advice would always be to compromise.
There have to be ground rules so sit down like the adults you both are and set some that suit you both, as much as is possible, with the proviso that if they don’t work you can rethink. It’s difficult for everyone particularly your little grandson and he has to be the priority here.
I would explain to your daughter that this current behaviour of her ‘being a child again’ must now end and she has to accept responsibility for herself and her child and that you will help her all the way but not by being forced to take over.
If she’s feeling overwhelmed then the thought of mum and dad supporting her by attending appointments with her etc will help a lot!
As others have suggested, she really needs to see a doctor to see what help she/he can give.
Yes, it will be hard but it’s hard now isn’t it? Little steps. At least by compromising and setting a few rules that you can all live by you’re working towards a better living situation for the whole family.
One more thing I would suggest that helped us, is that you go for coffee or lunch together now and then just to remind yourselves of the non-domestic part of your mum and daughter relationship.
All the best! X

4allweknow Sun 04-Aug-19 10:33:40

Was she the same when with her partner- staying in bed until mid day etc? If not the would suspect your DD is depressed and to a fair degree. Try to get her to a GP explaining to her she really needs to take an active part in life especially her son's. Using the lots of folk manage on their own probably won't work uf depression is the case, she will see herself as even more useless. Awful situation to be in but I feel you need to tread gently and get her medical help.

Anniebach Sun 04-Aug-19 10:39:35

She was in an abusive controlling relationship, has an eating disorder, her self esteem could be at rock bottom, she needs help not lectures on ‘pull yourself together ‘

BladeAnnie Sun 04-Aug-19 10:54:35

I'm thinking she may have some degree of depression/low mood - often go hand in hand with eating disorders. If she is not already having professional help for this; it's really important that she does so - for all your sakes. I would never condone rudeness, laziness etc, ect but eating disorders are complex and awful illnesses - for both the sufferer and the family.

Bikerhiker Sun 04-Aug-19 11:25:10

I empathise with you living in this difficult situation. It must be difficult to know where to start. It sounds as if your daughter has many health problems that she needs help with before she is ready to live independently and take care of her child.
It is so hard to help an adult child because unless they give permission for medical professionals to discuss their condition with you then you feel so powerless.
A start might be a chat with your mental health nurse at your G.P.'s to ask for any suggestions as to how to go forward.
Not easy for you.thanks

Diane227 Sun 04-Aug-19 11:40:16

Take legal advice about seeking a special guardianship order for your grandson. This secures your position and you share parental responsibility with your daughter but you have the main say in what happens. This means he can stay with you even if she leaves.
If later her lifestyle changes and she is able to care for her son alone then the order can be revoked.
Im sure you dont want your grandson in care but its unlikely social services would consider this if you are willing to care for him.
It sounds as if your daughter needs help. Perhaps a visit to the GP ?

chelseababy Sun 04-Aug-19 11:52:11

Is she claiming benefits or are you supporting them?