Matelda. My family between us share quite a bit of below clinical ASD. I am proud to boast, also, one of the first people to be examined when the term Autistic was coined was my first cousin!
I must tell you about him, it's a bit of a digression, but he was a pioneer in the beginning of the "discovery" that Autism is a separate syndrome. He was used by the first spinners as a subject for testing! He died of heart failure (not related to ASD) in his 50s. How, or rather where that happened was truly incredible! He was incredibly gifted but could not speak, despite knowing many languages. Because of his age he had been taken into care as a young child in a big hospital like a village. He actually was very happy there.
When this closed and he was moved into a smaller community care home, he was happy there too. Where he lived were 6 adult males with mental /learning disability. Each January the Care Workers brought out the Brochures and asked them to choose where their Summer Holiday was to be. This year my cousin completely refused to agree with the sunny seaside abroad that was chosen. He was so against it that it was decided he could show them his choice and if possible go there with his Key Worker. He produced the AA map Book. (All his life he stared at maps with great enjoyment - as do I). In his customary manner, while turning his head away and looking over his shoulder, he plonked his finger on a mountain nearish to Bethesda in North Wales. On treble-checking that this was not random - although they knew him well enough to know a random action regarding a map was most unlikely - his finger was placed with decisiveness and no hesitation in the same spot. His holiday, walking in North Wales was booked.
Quite early in the holiday he and his Companion set off from their hostel into the mountains along a comfortable grassy mountain path. His lovely Key Worker told us, my cousin was walking just ahead of him, when he stopped, turned to him, putting his hand on his chest and small flicker went across his face. He fell and died instantly. His heart had stopped. Without any previous warnings. He was slim and fit.
When they eventually were back at the home and talking together, someone took out my cousin's map book and looked at the map he had used to point out where he wanted to go. It was not a named village, or named mountain or even on a road. It was just a bit of countryside. They had put a small mark there to remind themselves when booking where to stay. Incredulous, they cross checked with the OS map.
Where he three times had placed his finger, was the place he died.
To return to your son, whom I think may be like my family: Concerning the rest of us who are just ordinary working folk who have a few and usually unnoticeable "oddities", we do not write or phone each other nearly as much as other people. Indeed, my friend often thinks my children don't care about me. It's very difficult to explain that we just feel quite happy about each other because we know we have each other. We don't need constant interaction. We know that if we need each other we will be there for each other. We have proved this. But actually we find the opposite strange, the people who keep phoning their parents, for example, to us are odd. Not that we ever say it in public because we know it's us who are different.
I strongly suspect that your son has you in his heart and thinks of you much more than you would believe. He calmly knows you love him and if he ever needed you he would ask for you. I am sure he really does love you very deeply. What is more, you are probably much more important to him than you would believe or that he will give you the impression. I expect he thinks you know this without being told. I used to think that until I realised that not everyone was like me. It is quite hard to explain how we slightly different people feel. Actually we feel very deeply and intensely and do get upset and find it hard to express that.
Don't be put off by lack of contact. There's almost a feeling with us that telepathy is working. For example, I would say to Dad, maybe after going on holiday, "Sorry I didn't write" and he'd say "It's fine, I knew you were OK" and he did, but what is more I knew he knew I was OK!. It worked both ways. I knew he was OK. In fact, once when he wasn't OK, I knew before he did! The day before he was taken ill (with pleurisy although he hadn't had the diagnosis that day) I saw him in my head and knew he was ill. But normally the way we feel is very happy knowing each other is/was in the world. That was all we needed to know, it made us very content to know it. So long as things were going along ok, we just would know each of us was out there. As soon as one of us needed each other, we knew we would be contacted.
I can't explain it very well. Sorry.
What may sound a stretch too far for some people is that I often have that same contact with Dad although he isn't down here on this world now! I just feel he's around and know he's ok, like before and that he's thought of me! I have never told anyone that. I expect people will say "It's your imagination". They say that to children and kill off their ability to feel beyond their five senses.
But I am as sure as I can be, because he sounds very much like us, that your son loves you deeply. I bet he talks about you too. You are essentially important to him. So much so, it just doesn't need a big fuss or lots of letters. Indeed, that seems kind of strange to our family, as if other people are unsure if their family still love them and have to keep reminding them to do so!!
If I were you, I would just carry on as normal and contact him whenever you want to. Don't let a lack of reply upset you. If you need to know something, then do ask him though.
I do hope you can understand what I am trying to explain. I have never said this to anyone before. I have always felt different and known which members of my family are like me and who is not. Later I realised that we had ASD signs to a greater or lesser extent.
I really want to say this to you, Matelda, although I am quite scared of the kind of rude comments I shall get from people who have been very scathing to me in the past. But it's important to me because your son is miles away and you can't see him. With our condition, the miles don't make any difference for some reason. He will still feel as close to you. You are part of him. It will never change.
