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emotional intelligence in children

(60 Posts)
Grannyjacq1 Thu 22-Aug-19 10:30:33

Can anyone recommend any books for my 3 year old grandson (one of twins) who, according to professionals, has traits of autism (but isn't autistic) and who seems to lack emotional intelligence at times. I've seen some by Sue Graves - has anyone read these with a 3 year old? All advice to help this delightful child (and his parents) would be much appreciated to make their life easier.

midgey Thu 22-Aug-19 10:45:21

Autism is like a rainbow/spectrum, it is a vast syndrome. Many very clever people may well be on the spectrum. Don’t know if this may help.

EllanVannin Thu 22-Aug-19 11:41:09

3 is a bit young for such a diagnosis I would have thought ?

agnurse Thu 22-Aug-19 16:47:19

Actually the earlier a diagnosis is reached, the earlier intervention can begin. The first three years of life, especially, are a crucial time for proper brain development. While a formal diagnosis of autism can't always be made at that point, it is possible to identify autistic traits and begin intervention if necessary.

Grannyjacq1 Thu 22-Aug-19 17:01:41

Yes - it does seem very early, but his rather original thought processes were picked up by a health visitor, and she referred him to a child psychologist (or similar professional) at the hospital, where my daughter was told that he was 'emotionally inept', which sounds a bit cruel. As agnurse commented above, the earlier this is picked up the better, as if he was autistic, he would be able to access special help at school when he begins next year to prevent frustration. Thanks Midgey (above) for the useful link. He is clearly a bright little boy, and with family he is very loving and affectionate, but doesn't respond at all well to non-family or unfamiliar people, amongst other traits.

love0c Thu 22-Aug-19 17:03:44

On what did the 'professionals' base their diagnosis? Children vary greatly in their behaviour at that age depending on who they mix with. Siblings, going to toddler clubs and nursery etc.

BlueBelle Thu 22-Aug-19 17:10:11

What on earth does emotionally inept in a 3 year old mean
Oh I hate all this lacking if young babies they all find their levels at such different stages What 3 year old relates lovingly to strangers dies every child that hides behind his mums legs when. Someone says hello to him have to be on the autistic spectrum
Let him develope in his own way and his own t8me

BlueBelle Thu 22-Aug-19 17:11:34

Labelling not lacking sorry

sodapop Thu 22-Aug-19 18:21:51

I'm with BlueBelle on this, let the child develop in his own time.

M0nica Thu 22-Aug-19 18:37:14

Would those being so critical react in the same way if the childwas thought to be on the edge of a physical disease.

My DGS has been under the weather for some time, his symptoms are akin to those of Type 1 diabetes although his blood sugar readings are normal. Should we just ignore it and any other odd symptoms he may have on the basis that we do not want to label him and things will change. This is what many posters are saying about this child.

I am with you Grannyjacq1, I think it is very sensible to find books that illustrate emotional intelligence. Whatever the final diagnosis or none. It will do him no harm and what ever his status he will enjoy it and will learn something.

My sister's step daughter has Aspergers and she and her father are the prime carers. As a result of what DSis has learnt, she has said of our father, what Grannyjacq1 has saidof her DGSthat - that he was not autistic but showed autistic traits and lack of emotional intelligence was one of his problems. Fortunately our mother had it in abundance and marrying her was just about the best thing he ever did.

BlueBelle Thu 22-Aug-19 19:10:30

What is ‘lacking emotional intelligence’ in a 3 year old please? The poster says this child is loving and affectionate within his family ?

Grannyjacq1 Thu 22-Aug-19 19:33:09

Thanks for all your comments. To be honest, I'm not really sure what this implies for a 3 year old - to me he is just a normal 3 year old with some odd traits, which most young children seem to have at some point. However, the health visitor thought it was worth following up - and a few children's stories which help to develop emotional intelligence won't do any harm. Some children, if not diagnosed, are seen as 'naughty' when they start school because they are unable to read emotional signals from others. As my G/S will be starting school in a year's time, anything to avoid this would be helpful. But I agree - I don't really like 'labelling' children - especially at this age.

Lisagran Thu 22-Aug-19 19:41:09

There are 6 Sue Graves books in Aldi this week - one of their ‘weekly specials’ - 99p each. I never go in Aldi, but my eldest daughter, a teacher, must have seen this online (she is away abroad on holiday) and asked me to get them for her Reception class.

Gonegirl Thu 22-Aug-19 19:55:12

Emotional intelligence at 3 years old?!

I've heard it all now.

midgey Thu 22-Aug-19 20:00:09

100% with M0nica!

M0nica Thu 22-Aug-19 20:07:13

Gonegirl why not? we look for general intelligence in children and expect them to be learning and developing speech and understanding of the world, why not understanding how other people are feeling and understanding what emotions people round them are expressing?

BlueBelle Thu 22-Aug-19 20:10:46

The trouble is when you read books or lists you can nearly always fit them in When I read lists for autism ADHD, OCD Dementia I can always find some that fit
if you don’t see any problems and his family don’t see any problems why would people look for them Im sure if the school see any they will soon let you know
You say he has some odd traits what sort of things ? You worry about him being considered naughty at school Is he ‘naughty’ at home
Three is such a precious innocent age I think he should be allowed to develop himself funny what stages they go through I remember when my son wouldn’t go to bed without his wellingtons on it was a stage and disappeared after a few months
By the way I recently read that Aspergers is no longer going to be considered a diagnosis as it is just autism but on the lower edge I ll try and find the link
I m sure we all have some traits in us I remember when I was about 14/15 I got into counting I had to look out the window before I went to bed so many times to the left and so many to the right if I didn’t do it correctly I had to start again I now think it was probably exam or teenage stress but a funny trait never the less it lasted about a year..

M0nica Thu 22-Aug-19 21:19:04

Bluebelle (and some others) it is the Health Visitor who thinks that this behaviour is moving into he area where it needs investigation, not just grandmother and parents.

As I said, I think behaviour like this should be investigated, if it is just normal then everyone can give a sigh of relief and stop worrying. If it is decided that the behaviour should be investigated further then the problem is being picked up early.

We were advised to take DS for a psychological assessment when he was 4. It resulted in us being given help and advise about his education and how to react to his needs at home. It relieved our minds of any worries we had, reassured us that the way we were responding to him was appropriate.

No labels were attached, the only time we shared the information we had was when he was at secondary school and having a difficult time.

Grannyjacq1 Fri 23-Aug-19 12:59:00

Thanks for all your suggestions. I think it was the fact that the health visitor made the referral that made my daughter pursue this matter. The little lad has a twin sister, and they are so different (not unusual, I know - we have lots of twins in the family, all very different), which I think accentuates the issue too. My daughter is a teacher, so she does know the behavioural problems that can become challenging if they are not handled sensitively when the child is young. I disagree with 'labelling' children, but I do agree with helping them to cope with life's demands in as sensitive a manner as possible.

BradfordLass72 Sat 24-Aug-19 02:08:48

When my first son was born (1970) after a very difficult, prem birth it wasn't long before I knew that something was not quite right.

As he grew older, some of his reactions were unlike any I had encountered as a nanny and working in day nurseries.

He would get so angry, with himself and slap his head or bang it, although I never punished him beyond saying 'no' in sensible places.

Because I couldn't put my finger on any one thing, no one listened when I tried to explain his reactions were not what I regarded as within normal range.

And so it went on until he grew up and still had an anger problem -always turned in at himself. But why?
Most things were those most of us would laugh off, slight things, not serious - but they were to him.

I would have been glad of a label; at least then someone recognises you need help and can support you.

BlueBelle Sat 24-Aug-19 02:53:32

All I’m simply asking is what is considered ‘worrying emotional intelligence’ in a 3 year old as grannyjac says he is loving and affectionate within his family but no so good with unknown folk but that’s perfectly normal isn’t it ?
There is nothing in any posts made so far that sound worrying so presumably there is more than has come across in the posts

Grannyjacq1 Sat 24-Aug-19 07:49:29

It's very difficult to pinpoint exactly what the 'problem' is BlueBelle, it's just that his reactions to people, situations and events are very different from other children which I (a teacher for 35 years) and my daughter (also a teacher) have experienced before. As BradfordLass72 commented above, she couldn't put her finger on the situation exactly, and I feel the same. And the fact that the health visitor noticed it too was a worry. He does get very angry and upset if things aren't quite right, with his reaction often being out of proportion to the problem. Yes, I know he is only 3, but if there is something which can be done to make his life smoother and cause him less anxiety, then surely it is better to try to tackle the problem in as non-invasive a way as possible?

BlueBelle Sat 24-Aug-19 08:20:01

I m sure your family will do the right thing grannyjac I am only expressing a personal point of view which is all any of us can do I just feel there are so many little foibles in small children and such a vast stretch of behaviours that it’s a shame they can’t just find their own levels in the scary process of growing up
Why is there so much Autism now, every second child seems to have it and in Us even more common 1 in 37 boys in US and it’s rising year by year I believe Autism is believed to be genetic so where have all these autistic parents and grandparents been or is it that the scale for a diagnosis is so wide now?
This is not meant to be a critical post I m simply questioning

BlueBelle Sat 24-Aug-19 08:33:19

Oh and I should addd I m not in anyway downgrading people with children with autism life can be so so hard and difficult both for the child and the parent my only concerns is for the diagnosing of the ‘ slightly different’ end of the spectrum

maryhoffman37 Sat 24-Aug-19 09:42:08

Dear GrannyJacq1, I don't know if this is any use, as he's still a bit young, but I write a series of "Great Big" Books illustrated by Ros Asquith in a warm, humorous style and published by Frances Lincoln (Quarto). They are aimed at 4-7 year olds and I think The Great Big Book of Feelings might possibly help your grandson. That one is available in paperback. Good luck!