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Grandparenting

Miss seeing new grandson

(47 Posts)
NanaDiana Sun 25-Aug-19 05:35:27

Our grandson was born August 6th. We Live in the same city. We saw him for a brief visit the first week at the hospital and at home. I have dropped off food and helped with the garden but always contacted them first to ask if it would be a good time to come. I sent a text this past week offering to run errands or whatever Would be helpful. I did not get a response. My sister suggested they were probably like her son and just overwhelmed with not sleeping etc. Yesterday I was included in a group text saying this where is the baby’s first adventure adventure staying in a hotel out of town and would be gone the next weekend

NanaDiana Sun 25-Aug-19 05:47:56

Sorry, I am new to this chat room and think I made a mistake posting my question. Our grandson was born August 6. We visited him at the hospital and the following week with brief visits along with other family members at their home. The beginning of this past week I sent a text message offering to help run errands, work in the garden, bring food but didn’t get a response. My sister reassured me that they were probably like her son and just overwhelmed with having a new baby at home. Yesterday I was included on a group text message with pictures showing the baby on his first adventure to a hotel In the city where our son attended college.They also stated they’re going to be gone again next weekend to a different city that is a business related trip. We live 15 minutes away from them and they haven’t come to our house yet. I am 68 and my husband is 70. We had looked forward to this so much and want to see them but don’t want to intrude. I sent a text this morning asking how things went on their big overnight out of town. I did not receive a response. I’m not sure how to feel. I just miss seeing the new baby.

littleflo Sun 25-Aug-19 08:21:24

I think this is quite the norm these days. We fed our babies every 4 hours and had time to rest in between feeds. Now the mother are encouraged to breast feed on demand. I have watched the exhaustion my DDs and My DiLs during these early months. I also think that some women are embarrassed about breastfeeding in front of our generation. My DD was happy to feed in front of us, but not my DiLs.

Midwives also encourage parents to bond with their baby longer, before introducing them to the family. I would just text once in a while, give them space and I am sure they will be happy to see you. Try not to overpower them with offers of help. The husbands are much more hands on with the babies than our generation. My DH is always amazed at how much my sons and SiLs do for the babies as he was definitely a Hands Off Father.

polnan Sun 25-Aug-19 08:28:05

so hard ,,, my gks are growing up now, and I would love to have been more involved with them... we see them, mostly when we go to there place,, when invited.... but I think they love us... started giving them a bit of pocket money, that helps! they are all wonderful kids
dil a stayat home mum, so that didn`t help with childminding.

yes, I think families are not like they used to be... so sad..

sodapop Sun 25-Aug-19 08:29:04

It's early days yet NanaDiana give them time to be a family on their own for a while.
You are included in messages etc so don't worry, its a whole experience for the parents, let them enjoy it.

Daisymae Sun 25-Aug-19 08:35:22

They obviously want to spend time with their new baby, who is only a couple of weeks old. Cut back on the text and give them time to adjust. They may feel that they need to draw some boundaries at this stage, as hurtful as this may feel to you, they must be respected.

stella1949 Sun 25-Aug-19 08:37:50

Sorry NanaDiana , I know it's hard sometimes to feel that we are being sidelined.

Your grandson is only three weeks old, you've seen him twice, to that's not too bad in the scheme of things. I guess that as grandparents we have to accept that we are not in the "inner circle" any more, not like we were when the family revolved around us. We're on the outer circle, included sometimes and not others. It takes a bit of time before we find our place.

I'd agree with other posters - take a step back and let the young ones enjoy being parents. You are included in group chats so you're not being excluded . Take one day at a time - best wishes.

Sheilasue Sun 25-Aug-19 09:24:52

Oh dear another anxious gm. Don’t worry they will get it touch they just want to be enjoying their new baby.
Your time will come I am sure.

TrendyNannie6 Sun 25-Aug-19 09:29:04

I think seeing your grandson twice is reasonable in three weeks, I don’t want to sound harsh but give them some space to get used to having a baby in the house, it’s not like they have ignored you.

love0c Sun 25-Aug-19 09:32:52

Don't worry!! We were asked to the hospital within an hour and a half of our granddaughter being born and asked to visit that first week every other day. Then!! the next two weeks? very hit and miss. Very short, flying visits to us. Felt very upset and confused. But after that asked to see them and go out every week. I think they fust want/need a bit of time on their own to adjust. Also there seems to be the encouragement from so called experts for parents to limit visitors for the first few weeks whole parent bonding takes place!?!? A friend of mine was not allowed to see her new grandson for the first two weeks at all and neither did the wife's mother. They followed this 'new' way of thinking. Just bide your time. We have been asked to babysit as well as visits and already asked to babysit over night. But that 2nd and 3rd week we felt we were being left out and were so upset. Please just hold fire!!

vickya Sun 25-Aug-19 09:33:37

"Yesterday I was included on a group text message with pictures showing the baby on his first adventure to a hotel In the city where our son attended college.They also stated they’re going to be gone again next weekend to a different city that is a business related trip"

I wonder if that makes you feel if they can go away etc they are not just struggling with the new baby, but i remember when I had a new baby and my husband had to go to anotehr town on a business thing and I went too and took the baby so we could still do the early days together. I just looked after the baby and he was able to see her, only a few weeks old, lunch time and evenings.

The other trip to the old college town was probably a thing the father wanted to go to and again they wanted to still be together and building the early family unit.

I too saw my grandchildren a day after birth or the same day or soon after and then less until #1 daughter needed a childminder smile. And I was hurt as her MiL was asked to stay and help when they got back from hospital! She is lovely and I did visit when she was there once, and I like her very much, but.... She is still lovely and that child is 13 now and the parents separated and daughter has a child by anotehr partner, divorced from, but spends some holidays and many Christmases with that Mil and her family!

Ways of interacting vary so much between families. Were you very close to your child before? It is very early so wait and see, as they all said smile

crazyH Sun 25-Aug-19 09:41:53

Welcome NanaDiana!
This happens - you visit the baby in hospital, then visit once the baby gets home, take a bit of food for them, and then they do their own thing. Wait till you're invited or asked to babysit. Keep in touch on the group app.
Congratulations on the new arrival!

wildswan16 Sun 25-Aug-19 09:45:33

Be happy that they are coping so well with their new baby. This is their child, nobody else's. I'm sure they will want you to be involved in his life but they have their own lives to get on with as well. Don't start thinking they are ignoring you because they aren't.

SheilaMary2222 Sun 25-Aug-19 10:26:03

It doesn't seem as if its anything personal, just new parents adjusting to the demands of a baby. I have nine grandchildren and my best advice is to be there when they ask for help. Its lovely that you care about your new grandchild and want to be involved in its life. They are very fortunate and am sure they will appreciate your kindness as baby get older and more energetic!

icanhandthemback Sun 25-Aug-19 11:41:53

The point of group chat messages is so that everyone gets the info at the same time and they don't have to keep repeating themselves at a time when they are up to their necks in baby care. This is how younger people communicate these days, it isn't anything personal. Having seen the group chat, they may well be irritated if you are writing individually to ask how it went...that's what the chat was for.
Things are very different these days. My Mum was at the hospital for the births of my kids, the first thing we did upon leaving hospital was to call at the MIL's and everybody visited as soon as they realised we'd had the baby! Before her second baby was born my daughter was adamant there were to be no visits to the hospital, that for the first 5 days home they were bonding with her daughter and would visit everyone they wanted to introduce the baby to. Strangely enough, they found this more tiring than having visitors and on the day the baby was born, they insisted I came to visit. hmm

seadragon Sun 25-Aug-19 12:55:15

MIL turned up day after birth of DD1 and stayed in our house. Visited every visiting time with DH. I was struggling to breast feed and burst into tears one day. Midwife threw her out! My mum did not come till much later in the following month (both our parents lived in the same city, a 3 hour train journey away). By that time DH & I had established a lovely routine with baby and we discovered we were happiest feeding in a quiet room, with a cuppa on hand, ideally brought by DH.........

trendygran Sun 25-Aug-19 13:08:20

Unfortunately this is how it is for many Grandparents now-including me. My DD,SIL and 2 GCs live a five minutes walk away from me. I have been to their house once since last Christmas -onMothering Sunday. I see them ,on asking usually, every few weeks in a local coffee bar ,or sometimes go to a garden centre with them.They have a difficult time juggling work as nurses plus School and children’s activities.
I would love to see them more often ,but I am not their priority. I live on my own as widowed for over 10 years .
My other two GDs live 300miles away ,so not seen for over a year -but looking forward to seeing them soon as going on holiday with friends and renting a cottage 3 miles away from them in Pembrokeshire. Can’t wait!

dizzygran Sun 25-Aug-19 15:34:55

Things will improve. Just back off and let them get used ro their new baby. Remember we are grandparents not parents.

Newmom101 Sun 25-Aug-19 16:48:31

How many times have you seen them OP? You say at the hospital and ‘brief visits’ to their home. So at least 2-3 times in less than 3 weeks? I think that’s quite normal. As pp’s have said, it’s good that they aren’t struggling! And they have likely taken him away to show him off to other people. My mother expected to be seeing us every few days but between my family, dps family and all of our friends we had lots of visitors and we needed our own space as well. Both my mother and mother in law expected to be very hands-on and helping out as well, but between me and DH we didn’t need that, I know they felt a bit put out but we really didn’t need help and were both very excited to be looking after the baby. It really is a good thing if they aren’t needing help, even with household things.

I’m sure that you will see him but remember, even though you are the grandparent there will be lots of other people wanting to see him, and lots of friends that they will want to show him off too.

As for not visiting your house, might there be a reason for that? DPs father smokes so we didn’t take DD to their house until after she turned one, and then only on the agreement that FIL wouldn’t smoke in the house that morning. And my parents have not very well trained dogs, so I didn’t take DD there for months, until I was a bit more confident. If there seems to be no reason then just give it time, they will bring him round at some point. But in the newborn stage it’s much easier to have people visit you, where all babies things are.

FlyingSolo Sun 25-Aug-19 17:08:37

I understand you feel left out but I think in the situation you describe it is probably just a case of needing to be patient. To be honest I am envious. I haven't met my almost 5 week old grandson despite only living a mile away and as I already knew the date of the planned c-section they didn't think there was any need to even tell me he had arrived and I found it on facebook. (I hate facebook, causes so much upset)

Witchypoo Sun 25-Aug-19 19:59:19

Two grandsons live half hour away. I dont drive. Have never touched the three year old and had first kiss on cheek and cuddle with five year old two days after xmas. I cried all the way to my destination as it was so moving. Have had to accept that is how they are and i am not included. Acceptance is hard but i am there. You luckily WILL see your grandchild soon when routines have been established. Just give them time and you will be rewarded with wonderful times with your grandchild i am sure

NanaDiana Sun 25-Aug-19 22:12:50

Thank you to everyone who responded to my post. I found gransnet late last night and thought I would just post my feelings and see what happened. I was shocked this morning when I saw all these responses. All your comments helped so much. Bless you!

BlueBelle Mon 26-Aug-19 02:40:09

NanaDiana I ll just add my congratulations it s hard to stand back but it’s not our child and neither is it the days when families all lived together or close by each other and relied on each other the worlds a bigger place now
I m sure there will be many times you will be called on in the future just take it slowly for now

Chucky Mon 26-Aug-19 10:00:17

I have the opposite problem. Rarely a day goes by without seeing at least 1 of my grandchildren. After they were all born I was on cooking duty, making meals for them, which I would either take round or they would come and eat, but I put no expectancy on them staying afterwards. DD2 now puts up on calendar when I am needed for babysitting duties, whilst DD1 sends me dates by text asking if I can help out.
However it is not just these times I see them, as both families visit several times a week, often together. I know I am very lucky and as a family we are very close, but sometimes I do wish I had a bit more ME time.

narrowboatnan Mon 26-Aug-19 20:50:25

Hi NanaDiana 👋. Are you in text contact with your son or your dil? If your son is anything like mine I wouldn’t have a clue what was going on, but my lovely dil is really good at messaging me with anything that I need to know about. Might be worth texting her to see if help is needed. Good luck and congratulations on your new little one