Nansnet I've sent you a PM ...
what is this behavior called does it have a name?
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Grandparenting
How to handle feeling snubbed and upset?
(89 Posts)I agree with Jane too. Next year at age 2 your grandchild will be noticing a bit more so make sure you do say you’re booking into a hotel if the same thing starts to happen next year.
If anyone says you didn’t do it this year you can say your grandchild is more knowing now and you don’t want to miss their birthday again. You can always go home the day after . Don’t let the other grandmother have all her own way . Selfish people don’t bend
sodapop, yes, I do need to be more assertive to make my wishes knows. I think, also, the key is not to be around the other GPs, and to enjoy our time with DS, DiL and GC, without having to listen to them!
Thanks janeainsworth. Yes, she is rather an intimidating woman. I'm generally a very mild mannered person, who doesn't like conflict, but I have on one previous occasion stood up to her. It didn't go well, very upsetting, and it took a while to heal the rift between us. Not something I want to happen again. Sadly, DiL won't stand up to her own mother, DS just keeps his mouth shut for a quiet life! Consequently, she gets away with things she shouldn't, knowing that no one will say anything. My husband would, but all hell would break loose if I allowed him to say anything, so best not to go down that route!!
I agree with janeainsworth you need to assert yourself a bit more Nansnet not in a confrontational way but enough to make your wishes known. It's good to be able to visit and help so enjoy your time with your family without feeling resentful.
Wise words from Liz, Tanith and Willow.
It sounds to me as though your co-granny is a rather intimidating person and you might be doing DiL and DS a favour if you stand up to her a bit more.
Next time, be prepared to be a bit more assertive and say something like, ‘well it would be nice to be all together on GC birthday, so we’ll book ourselves into the hotel down the road.’ And see what happens!
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that because you do a lot for DS and DiL, you deserve something in return. Life doesn’t work like that and you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment, recrimination and resentment. Just be glad you can help them out.
Good luck!
Yes, Daisymae, I could've made that suggestion, but knowing that it wouldn't have gone down well with the other GM, I would've only done it had it have been suggested to me, which it wasn't. I agree, I need to let it go.
Same reply to tanith!
Willow500, absolutely true that the other GM wouldn't have given it a second thought! They are both quite selfish people, and are mostly only interested in themselves. I shall heed your advice, and look forward to our next visit.
Well you could have suggested staying in a hotel for a day or two, if that would have been your preferred option. However you just need to let this go or things will get out of hand. A new routine will develop and you are seeing a lot of your GC so get on with your life and leave them be.
Wise words, Liz46! I know deep down that's the best course of action. I just think I needed to get it all off my chest first!
Yes it's sad you didn't get to spend the special day with your GD's first birthday but you did have 2 weeks with them and the baby wouldn't know what day it was so won't know you weren't there on her birthday. I agree it's annoying to see all the photos on FB but I think the other grandma probably won't have given it a second thought that it might upset you.
It sounds like you have a great relationship with your son & DIL and I'm sure they're grateful for all your help in what will have been a stressful time - moving abroad with a new baby and all that entails will have been so hard. Try not to dwell on it all and start planning your next trip out to see them. It's certainly not worth causing an issue with them or your son's MIL.
I'm afraid you need to just let it go unless you want to risk a rift with your family.
I think you should smile and say nothing. Least said, soonest mended.
My Son & DiL live overseas with our GC. Back in May/June, DiL's parents told me that they would be visiting my DS, DiL and GC, at the end of Aug for a few days so, basically, she was letting me know, in a roundabout way, that we would be unable to visit at the same time. I realized straight away that the reason they were visiting then was because it was our GC's first birthday. Of course, I knew this, and I was secretly hoping for my husband and I to be asked if we'd like to visit, even staying in a hotel. We do all get along very well, but there has been the odd issue with DiLs mother on occasion.
To back track slightly, DS & DiL have only recently moved there, and they've had problems with childcare, so DiLs mother went out for a few days last month to help, then I took over from her for nearly 2 weeks. She told me the date that they'd be returning, and that I'd only need to stay until the day they arrived, and I could fly home that day, as there weren't enough beds until the new ones arrived ... They returned the day before GCs birthday. I slept on a make-shift bed that night, and had to leave on the morning of GCs birthday, so I didn't even get to see her open her presents. I know that my son was feeling rather awkward and embarrassed about it all, and he knew I was upset, but no one mentioned the fact that it was a shame I couldn't stay, or even suggested that I book into a hotel for an extra day or two, which I would quite happily have done, had I not felt that I was intruding on the other GPs special time with our GC. I think the other GM couldn't wait for me to walk out of the door!
Son & DiL thanked me for all my help, and DiL said she would send me a video clip of GC opening her presents (she didn't!). My son did send a couple of photos of GC, but not with any of the gifts we had bought. And I've not even received a thank you from either of them. But I am fully aware that they are probably busy with having the other GPs there. The other GM has plastered photos on fb, saying what a wonderful time they've all had, etc., which I found rather insensitive. It's not something I would've done under the same circumstances. To be perfectly honest, I'm feeling snubbed, and extremely upset by the insensitivity of the whole situation. I know my husband feels the same, but we obviously won't say anything as we don't want to create an atmosphere amongst the family.
We do so much for our son and DiL, but I really feel that we are being treated unfairly. We are fully aware that DiL is very intimidated by her own mother, and our DS wouldn't dream of speaking his mind for fear of upsetting anyone.
I'm sitting here with my upset slowly turning into smoldering anger at the injustice of it all. How do I handle this, without ending up saying something which I may later regret? Or am I just being a silly, emotional woman?
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