A dil who needs advice ☹

That is so weird - I had never heard of a sage smudge stick until today and then within the last hour I've been on 2 forums where they've been mentioned. How odd!

Seems like a touch of Tourette's Syndrome to me -''inappropriate language or behaviour''.

@SirChenjin well that's food for thought - might be something worth checking out!

Definitely!

Just say 'lack of filters and being SO rude is a sign of dementia, have you been tested?'

Bet she's polite from then on.

bingo12

This doesn't sound to be Tourette's syndrome to me. First of all, actual obscene language in Tourette's is very unusual. Vocal tics are a characteristic of the syndrome, but often this would manifest in terms of throat-clearing or making a particular sound. Not to mention that it's a repeated thing, not a one-off here and there. This sounds to me more as if it's a woman who doesn't understand (or doesn't want to understand) where she ends and her son and his child begin.

How rude! I'd have been thinking that resting bitch face was better than having a face like a cat's backside, but wouldn't have had to courage to say it. But it does need challenging, maybe with a quiet 'Did you mean to be so rude, saying that?' and seeing what she said. Difficult, I know, to challenge without losing your rag, but do-able, especially if your husband questions what she said as well. Congratulations on the new baby, by the way

I have said similar things in the past in regards to new born's especially, such as, "She looks like you when she gets cross," sometimes they have looked more like one parent whilst relaxed, but when pulling a grumpy face or crying have looked more like the other, but I have never intended my comments to cause offence, and usually chuckle when I have said it. Admittedly the parents I have made these comments to have usually been family members and know me very well as I am a bit of a joker anyway.
I think I would ignore it for now, she may not have intended for the comment to sound so harsh, plus you will be more emotional for several months after giving birth. If she persists in making tactless or cruel comments be straightforward and upfront with her and tell her you find the way she speaks to you offensive or upsetting and just keep your distance without removing your baby or her son from her life, let your son make any decisions on how he deals with his mother, but tell him how you feel. Try not to do any of this whilst angry or upset as that could be seen as you overreacting. I hope you manage to find a solution to what could be a very unpleasant situation.

We sometimes just say things before the brain filter kicks in. Then, we can attempt a joke and people take offence instead of laughing. I got told off for swearing in front of my nephew. He was only a few weeks old!

This isn’t a one off example of the type of foot-in-mouth comment that we’re all guilty of (although referring to someone as having a resting bitch face is just nasty) - the OP explains that this isn’t the first time her MiL has been rude and insulting, and she’s been very controlling to her husband for a long time.

SirChenjin, that's true (was replying to Hazel there) but still I'm amazed that so many people think a confrontation is appropriate just for bad remarks.

It's very difficult to change somebody's behaviour and so much easier to ignore it. I'm not defending the MIL and I'd never be so rude. I've lifelong experience of a mother who was verbally cruel, though.

The solution was to limit (not cut completely) supervised contact with grandchildren and to laugh off or ignore her barbed comments. The kids got good practice in how to deal with playground bullies by refusing to be 'victims'.

I agree - limiting (or cutting if it’s really awful) contact is certainly required if she persists, but my approach is to always to speak to the person first, tell them why their comments aren’t welcome and tell them what I want going forward. If they don’t feel able or inclined to change then I’d simply limit my contact with them. An earlier poster explained why ignoring these comments don’t tend to work for someone like this, I thought it was a really interesting insight.

I'm amazed that so many people think a confrontation is appropriate just for bad remarks.

Telling someone they were rude and hurt you is not a confrontation. If the person who hurt you kicks off, then aren’t they the ones having a confrontation?

Why are we so quick to tell the younger woman to essentially keep sweet?

I agree *Summerlove

I honestly don’t get it sirchenjin. No one is advocating being rude or causing a massive family rift or tantrum, but now standing up for yourself is rude?
I’m curious if it would still be rude if it wasn’t a MIL.

I agree with Summerlove and SirChenjin....

It's the MIL who is doing the 'confronting', not just once , but habitually. The most effective (and appropriate) response in this case is to call out her bad behavior on the spot and in the most assertive way possible!

It's called being assertive, which is different from being aggressive or confrontational. Everyone should be able to say that certain behaviour is hurtful and unacceptable to them. It doesn't have to be done in a shrill or angry way.

Sorry willa, I've just noticed that you mention assertiveness too.

Place marking as I have a similar kind

I can’t advise but maybe you can say:

“MIL don’t you have anything nicer to say” or “that joke was not funny”.

Unless you are feeling brave enough to confront her.

Or take out your phone and press record and say , hahahaa mil what you said was very funny can you repeat it on record so I can save it for my child to hear when older?