I don’t know how to handle this, help please

Anthea1948 Yes!

*Tillybelle

i do agree with most of what you have written but not the keep a secret part about their Granny.
Children do tend to just say stuff and it will not help the set up at all if the DH finds out what his wife has said about his mum.

either tell the kids you don't know ask your Granny or tell granny she needs to talk to the kids to explain as they are confused.
I would never tell any child anything to keep secret.

When my two girls( now grown up ) had friends round I often suggested they ask the guest what she would like to do and hopefully they would all enjoy dong it together. They did say why do we do what our guests want but when we go to hers we have to do what they want. I simply said they have bad mannered mothers. They understood and have grown into lovely mothers themselves.

I agree that children should learn to share toys when playing together, but a toy that has been specifically given to Johny should not be appropriated and taken home by Jeanie, especially when Johny has always been told that toys given him by Granny stay at Granny's house.

You really need to take this issue up with your children's grandmother. If she refuses to see your point of view, I would tell her that the children are upset by the things she is allowing Isabel to do, so you will not be coming around when Isabel is there for the next while.

There is no reason at all why you should not gently correct Isabel if she hits or pushes one of your children. Tell her nicely, "Isabel dear, we don't push each other".

I have never in all my 50 years experience of children heard of a child who took off all her clothes to attract attention, I would tell her promptly to put her clothes back on at once so she doesn't catch cold.

Wetting herself deliberately , I have heard of, and of children who wet themselves when distressed or angry. Are you sure she is doing it deliberately? Whatever the reason, pop her into dry pants and make as little fuss as possible.

Do you know Isabel's mother at all? If so, it would be best to try and have a word about what goes on when Isabel is at your MIL's as I gather the child's mother is not present.
Start by saying that you really want all the children to get on with each other, but the different way your MIL is treating them is causing friction and ask her advice on dealing with it.

Your children's questions should be fairly easy to answer: No, Granny is not really Isabel's granny, and no, you do not know why Granny has taken down their photos and only has Isobel's about. And, no, you are not going to ask Granny about it, as she may do as she wants in her own home.

It is fairly common for children to have toys that are kept at their grandparents, so no point in making a fuss about it, as long as the toys stay there.

It takes a village to bring up a child, so stop pussy-footing around this wee girl and ask her nicely to adhere to your standards when she is playing with your children.

If your BIL mentions the matter tell him honestly what the problem is.

I voted leave and would do do again and again . My reasons are many and I would need a day to spell them all out .My flagpole and flag will be up before the 31st and I can’t wait to see the back of that dreadful blue flag which will by then have a star too many .Thats another load of EU money gone on replacing the hated flag

Sorry wrong post , that will set the remainers going .sorry

pinkquartz. Yes you are right. Secrets are a very difficult issue and best not used at all even as I had intended here as a little joke in a very light-hearted way. I think I was being influenced by the simply lovely weekend i was so lucky to have with my grandchildren who all get on so well and if I were to say "Uncle Grant is a bit weird but it's a secret so don't tell him, he thinks ping pong balls are baby cabbages, but don't say anything". the children would all giggle like mad until one of them, usually "F", would almost certainly say to uncle G "You are Weird!". Anyway, I agree, this not allowing presents to be taken home isn't an appropriate issue to try and make a little light-hearted joke about. I was just trying to think of a way to handle it to make it less painful for the poor children who seem to be punished for being good!

Perhaps I might just say openly, if she were my MIL, "That's weird! You give a present to my children than take it back from them at home time. Then you let another child take their present away. Anyone would think you don't really want to give my children presents. It's not as if they have done anything wrong. They share nicely. They don't push the baby off her ride-on toy..." But that would probably set the cat amongst the pigeons. Maybe its time the cat was among the pigeons? This MIL seems to do whatever she wants irrespective of how it upsets her grandchildren. I think it is time she knew she upsets them. I would want to question this woman about what she is doing to her grandchildren. There's a part of me that's so angry for poor Muffin's children and poor Muffin who cannot even say to her DH that her MIL is not being fair to their children for fear he will become aggressive. This is a very disturbing situation.

I presume that Muffin's DH and her BIL are brothers? Could Muffin's DH talk to his brother about Isobel's treatment of the other children? Or is not safe for Muffin to talk to her DH about this, even concerning his brother?

There are lots of lovely bits of advice on this thread. I like grandtanteJE65 above and agree "stop pussy-footing around this wee girl and ask her nicely to adhere to your standards when she is playing with your children." It is as important for your children as it is for Isobel.

I realise the wetting issue can be seen as tricky but I did know in the past two little girls who would deliberately not use the loo or potty and would wet their pants at exactly the most difficult moment. It has been known as a behaviour children use for attention. If I remember correctly, girls were more inclined to wee and boys more inclined to no.2 to get attention and boys would do it to a later age even up to 6. Bed-wetting is totally different.

Well, perhaps someone could look at why a little 3 year old, left in the sole care of a man who isn't her dad, and isn't allowed to direct her, in the company of people she doesn't know might be wanting attention?

All 3 year olds push, shove, and aren't keen on sharing.

Usually though, they have someone who loves them to guide them in the right direction; its a shame this little girl seems to be lacking that.

muffin I well remember your posts of last year. I am thinking "Isabel" is an only child who has had mummy all to herself. Suddenly there is man who gives mummy lots of attention and then a new gran and other small children she has to share things with. Its not difficult to see she has had a lot to cope with. Equally your children are expected to share their presents, not like the ordinary toy box many grans have. It would probably be a waste of time trying to sort it out with your MIL so how about chatting to the other mum. You could explain, as best you can, some of the ups and down with your either very eccentric or very cruel MIL. She might be grateful for the warning!

I fell for you, and think.people making out the wrong things I understand that you are wanting to answer your childrens questions, a year of.being I'm 'isabels' family seems quite a.long time, could you not sit down with your, husband, mil, bil and partner just over coffee nothing formal and and let them know your children are asking questions and you aren't sure how to address them, hopefully a year from now all will have sorted itself the children will be a bit older, and as you say they all get on.
Good luck.x
Ps no a few kids who will take their clothes off at this age, it won't continue for ever.