Grandparent Advice Greatly Appreciated!

Is there any way, as MiL seems to not want to come to your house, that you could all go out for days as a family, MiL included?
I agree that as your parents, you will be closer to them and they are quite happy to pop in whenever, that is absolutely no problem! I guess that MiL is jealous of that, to some extent and as there seem to be some issues with her way of parenting as far as your DH is concerned, the way your family is with you and the way MiL will be bound to be different if not difficult and she may be trying to either over compensate or at the very least, make up for it.
Stick to your guns and only do what feels right for you and your DH. As your children get older, things may change and get better but only if your MiL's attitude changes as well !

I am a new Granny and now see my Grandaughter regularly, her first year was spent abroad and we didn’t get to see her other than Christmas. I would respect my son and DIL time together as a family and although I would call in if passing, I wouldn’t stay too long. I see nothing wrong with wanting to take the children out for the day, that’s a fun time for everybody. She may not be comfortable staying too long in your home.
One option would be to ask her to babysit while you go out for an hour or so! I hope you can compromise as life is short and looking back your problems may seen different in hindsight. Another option is a quiet chat about her views, but not easy I know. Good luck.

I would agree with everyone above, I would never pop in to any of my children's houses without being invited, and you will find lots of moans on Mumsnet I am sure about grandparents doing just that. It is actually incredibly difficult being a MiL, it really is like walking on eggshells and tongue biting is practiced regularly! I wouldn't even pop into my daughter's without warning.

Might I suggest that you invite her over (is there a FiL, or have I missed that?) and give her a meal with the children, so she can fit into how you do things. Then at the end of the meal make a definite arrangement to see her again at a time of your choosing, and repeat as necessary? I know it is not the way you do things with your Mum, but I am sure you would both be happier knowing what was expected.

Some MiLs are difficult (I had one!) and it made me determined to try and do better with my own DiLs. But you have mastered the art of letting comments ride over you, so well done for that. Try to look for the positives - you asked her to babysit and she came and did so. She will have brought up her children the way we were advised to do at the time, which was lots of fresh air no matter what the weather. She will find it hard to accept the changes to current thoughts on child care. Perhaps you could quote a little bit from a current book and ask her what she thinks and how it is different from what she was advised to do.

Do ask her for advice (you don't have to take it if you disagree!) and get the communication onto a more friendly footing, please don't go over things she has said looking for other meanings.

I think the notion that she is proud of her grandchildren and wants to show them off is no bad thing. If you could hear what happens when grandparents get together, we bore each other rigid with tales of what our grandchildren have been up to!

As to taking them out on her own, once you have got into the routine of having her round regularly, ask your children if they would like to spend a day out with her, as others have said. If the answer from them is yes, then discuss together what she has in mind and what they would all like to do. Send them off with a cheery wave and listen to what sort of day they have had from all of them at the end of the day.

It is difficult for mothers of sons, it isoften true they will be as close to their grandchildren as mothers of daughters, just the way of the world. But with goodwill, the children will grow up having two sets of loving grandparents (three in some cases) and that can only be of huge benefit to them.

Good luck, I am sure you will get there!

Some people just don't "do" dropping in. My own late mother was one of those. It doesnt mean that she didnt care any less, she had just never been comfortsble doing that with anyone - close family included. She had died before I had kids but I can imagine that she might have felt left out if mil had been more spontaneuos about calling round

It sounds as though she wants to have a relationship with them without you there. She's excluding you from her relationship with them. I would be very wary of this myself. This is only my perspective, but I would not want to play this game and would make it clear that you are all family together and you want her to be part of that. Its an important model for children to see you all as family together and enjoying getting on together (at least trying to!). It sounds as though she will only have a relationship with the children if she can exclude you (and therefore have some influence over them herself). I would keep making it clear, she is welcome as part of the family together, and as the children's grandparent, and help her to see the rewards of that (more affection and appreciation etc), but you are not going to be sidelined in her relationship with them. Your children will pick this up as they grow, they notice relationships, and will wonder why granny never wants you to be included. Don't allow her to exclude you. Welcome her, but on your terms. And don't allow her to undermine you as the children's parent (any jealousy around on her part?). Get your husband's support on this too. Be firm, but fair, together.

I think that your DH needs to step up and "manage" matters with his own mother. First and foremost you and DH need to be on the "same page" regarding MiL and how you want her to be involved with your family. Then (it seems to me) it's up to him to make this clear to his mum. Perhaps it's time for you and DH to have a serious talk and to come to a clear understanding with each other? Once you are managing this jointly, then I would like to think that things should be easier. Presenting a united front has to be better for you? (In your place, I would want him to be the driving force when it comes to dealing with MiL, telling her of any decisions regarding the children - and stressing that you have reached these together decisions together.)

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oh the trials and tribulations of the MIL! That wonderful institution that is usually the husband’s mother! The butt of many jokes over the years and for good reason. I could talk for hours about my late MIL. The long and short of it is, don’t let ANYTHING get in the way of your family’s happiness and well being. Your children are the most important here, and they WILL notice friction, don’t delude yourselves you’re keeping everybody happy, it just doesn’t work. We finally turned our backs on difficult family at the age of 40, after 25 years of struggling. You sound really accommodating, and it won’t be appreciated. I recognise the type and she won’t change. One good thing came from it all though.... we learnt how NOT to behave with our adult children and later, spouses and children. Good luck?

Hi,
Breathe, relax, and be kind!
Family dynamics are fraught with difficulties because we imagine what another persons motives are, what they are thinking etc. Some of the expressions you use suggest that you are basing your reactions on what you believe your MIL’s motives and thoughts might be.
Invite her over, that’s what she’s asked for! Let her take the children for an afternoon out if they would like to go.
Your repeated comment about her wanting to ‘parade the children around’ suggests a little possessiveness , because that is exactly what proud grandparents like to do! It’s not a crime. Take it as a compliment rather than a criticism.
As a proud grandma of 6 ranging from 32 years old down to 6 weeks I have been blessed with a lovely relationship with my grandchildren, children and in laws. Sometimes I’ve got it wrong myself, other times I’ve felt misunderstood. Please don’t let your children miss out on what might be a source of real joy and pleasure to them simply because you feel irritated with your MIL, and I understand that she may be annoying, really I do!
Children however are not bargaining chips in ANY situation, so choose your battles, speak plainly when you have to and be generous with your MIL. It might just turn things around.

I committed a major crime by dropping in on my MIL. We lived about 40 miles away and happened to have an appointment near their home. My family would probably have been hurt if we hadn’t called in but MIL felt very differently.

A case of differing expectations and how life has evolved over the years. My Mum came from a big family and people were always welcome when they dropped in for a cup of tea. We lived close to the town centre. FIL was an army officer and they lived all over the world but never close to their extended family. No one is actually wrong but you both need to adjust perhaps.

MIL sounds as if she is trying to browbeat you so you could try following some of the suggestions from others to see what works best for you. She must be aware that you could just say no more visits at all and your OHs ex would probably go along with you. If she likes to be in control then that won’t go down too well.

Hope you manage to resolve these issues. Enjoy the children whilst they are young. Time passes in a flash!

I would never call in to see son or dil without first phoning to make sure it was convenient. Perhaps because mil hasn't had any specific invitations she doesn't feel welcome and that's why she feels making arrangements to take children out for the day is the way to go? If you truly want her to become closer to your children then you should start inviting her round, maybe start with a casual coffee morning? You can only try.

My DIL gets on better with me than her own mum so i cant get a grip on this- but as others have said,it depends how old the children now are,also if they do actually want to out for day with her? What about a half day first,a cinema trip or something? Its essentially up to the boys own mum if she wants to let him,and though you know "she doesnt think highly of her" you still dont know for certain what she will say,so you still need to ask her,or let your husband or his own mum ask her,if you dont want to.its not something to "be at your wits end about"- you could actually just invite her over more often first,if thats how theyre all going to get to know each other better? (Some older generation do feel they have to be 'invited' fìrst) and maybe shes not as easy going as your own family,enough to just 'drop in'- indeed she may fear if she does that too much you may think shes trying to 'check up on you',and you would not like that,would you? You cant have it all ways,you either want her in the kids lives,or you dont,simple as that.if as has been said,you believe the kids are safe with her then start small,with inviting her round,maybe you could 'pop out' to shops etc while they play those board games,just for a bit,see how they all are together? Then park or cinema trips,or even for a,dare i say it? a happy meal? Or pizza? Then longer trips as its getting nearer xmas?im sure if you& hubby say you'd like to help with advice on where to take them she can compromise?(pantos or christmas shopping,or some such?) Good luck and enjoy the peace& rest while their all out,or get a chance to wraps christmas gifts in peace?

Yes i would never have liked my (ex now)MIL just 'dropping in' either,and it is different with your own family. I have a good relationship with all my kids( mostly adult now) but still wouldnt just drop in on them,even if i rang just before to say i was nearby?its just rude,they could be out for day,or doing anything(time as a couple even ) so yes she might not wish to do that.

I agree with wildflowers47,its what proud grandparents do- not seen as 'parading them around' im not sure what you mean by that? But i love taking my GC out/about or even,'shock' on holiday or away for a wkend? I took one of my GS's (age 14)to venice last wk along with my 2 youngest 'children'(21&16) first time ive taken one of my GC abroad though,but he loved it& was very excited to be going,& i was proud to tell everyone who asked that "this is my grandson & these are my two 'boys'!" Its not a crime,im just so proud.youre MIL may be a bit 'much' sometimes,but theres surely no doubt she loves her GC or she wouldnt want to come take them out at all? & she wouldnt want to be invited?Try to give a bit.& start with inviting her more.if she makes any 'digs' just tell her straight.

Our family all live in the same town. 2 sets of AC, 3GC - 2 are DD and latest is DS. When we moved here many years ago the established rule was they could call in at our house anytime. Both us are used to a running an open house scenario. However, we would never dream of dropping in on either of them without first phoning to make sure it is OK. Different generation, different expectations.

The only think I would add to all the other posts is that my DH didn't have a great relationship with his own mother and in fact sister. I clearly remember him saying to me one day, "If it doesn't bother me, why should it bother you?" As others have said maybe she just doesn't want to be that involved with her GC.

Good luck and try not to overthink things. It will be that which drives you cuckoo! [Flowers}

Hello Pudsy and welcome.

As a Dil until very recently, I do understand some of the difficult in- law issues you are experiencing as I had several of my own when my children were young.

I agree with David
A conversation with your husband would be beneficial.
You and your DH need to be on the same page and show a united front.

If you had posted on Mumsnet
The answer would more than likely be along the lines, it is up to your DH sort/discuss with his mother, not you.

As Dil I have one grandson.
They live a distance away.
They visit us as a family or we visit and go on trips to the park, zoo etc.
Always as a family, grandparents parents, and grandson (4 yr old) and occasion aunt uncle and cousins.
I have never asked to take our grandson out by ourselves, even though he is very loving and confident with us.
I am waiting until I feel that not only my grandson, but also his parents are comfortable with us taking him out and about.

My DD lives about 20mins drive away.
We have looked after her boys since they were babies and do after school pick ups, sleepovers etc.

Had it been the other way round and my Dil lived closer, I don't honestly know if my Dil would have been happy with such a close relationship that we share my Daughter and our grandchildren.

Good luck

Hi, there are a lot of comments and I haven't read all of them, but having stepchildren myself (now grown up) I thought I would say in case no-one else has .....let your husband deal with her. It's his mother. I think we women are too quick to take on the burden - and it can be a burden - of all the relationships, being social secretary as it were - and the men get away with not doing very much!

Reading between the lines of your several posts I can feel the tension and understand how you are feeling. Yes some people have said it's not a huge issue, but it is something that concerns you and your family - so I suggest you tell your husband exactly how you feel, tactfully, and ask him what he suggests is done about it all.

Don't feel bad because you will never have the same relationship with your MIL as you would with your own mum. Very few people do I imagine.

All the best x

Not always true Jillybird- my two youngest children,the 21&16 year old,hated routine from first off as babies,stemming from the 3 months from birth they spent in neo- natal hospital i suspect?(life in there is 24/7 hectic) no difference between night/day.so these two resented 'normal' timetables etc,and youngest still does!Routines did not make them happy babies! All babies/children are different.As are we all.(including MIL's!) Im not inclined to think she "only wants a relationship with them on her own" as another poster said either,-she seems to want to be invited round more,yes she may be a little jealous of your own family coming round so much,just a bit,but thats understandable,i would just invite her a bit more,see how it helps.None of us are perfect,and shes probably 'better' with her GC than when was a parent to her own son,as you live& learn and its easier with GC, as you hand them back at end of the day(or end of the week,or whatever) Just cut her a bit of slack.If the kids don't like or want to go out alone with her they'll soon let you know.

It quite often happens that the family of the female in a marriage is closer than a man's parents, so that shouldn't be an issue at all.
You've offered her an open invitation so it's on her if she hasn't taken you up on that, not you.
Could you not occasionally offer an 'official' invitation now and again.
When I was yonger it was normal for people to call round uninvited but these days we always feel we need an appointment and I think that's a shame, but your MiL has obviously taken on that mindset, so there's probably never going to be a time when she just 'drops in'.

The past predicts the present.
1. How was she as a mother?
2. What issues did your dh have with her mother?
3. Why did his first marriage/partnership break?
4. How is the relationship between the first mom and your MIL?

There are plenty of red flags in your post, which seem to concentrate on the present, that is why I am asking those questions.

1. Favouritism - it is not good for the kids and they already notice it.
It is very damaging to the kids to know grandma doesn't love him/her as much as compared to their other cousins
My grandma thought boys were better than girls and my parents never protected me from that and I resent it. They said "she is your grandma, she is old fashioned".a

2. You say your MIL is very opinionated, yet she doesn't like the open invite policy.
That tells me that a. She is not into your family (and that's ok) or b. She may not want to bother you (unlikely as she is very opinionated telling you what she wants to do with her gc) or c.she wants to feel special and be asked and chased to visit
If she really wanted to visit you and your family, she would make it happen.
This point is the least of your worries.

3. Your mil has a golden child.
That means your dh could be the scapegoat.
That kind of parenting is very damaging.
What happens when the golden child has kids? Will yours be dropped and ignored in favour of the golden grandkids? - tying to first point.

4. What she wants is not important if it is not beneficial for the kids, even if the kids want to do that with her.
Kids would have ice cream for breakfast if you let them, it doesn't mean it's good for them.
A day off with them and she doesn't know them? Kids are not toys she can
use for a day for her entertainment.
Trust your instincts.

5. Where does your dh stand in all this? "She is my mother" is not a good sign.
He needs to deal with his mother, extend an invitation for a certain date and time (although the visits are again the least of your worries).
From your posts, you seem to be the gatekeeper of kids and family affairs - aka social secretary

Why does MiL want you to ask stepsons mum? Why can’t DH make that decision when he’s with you.
My Mil takes the kids out once a year and she doesn’t know them well because she lives about an hour away and is very self centred so when she does visit then it’s all about her and she doesn’t take much notice of out 4children - spends most of the time boasting about her daughters children.
My mother and I are very close, she is second mother to all of mine - she had them all from 6 months until school.
In conclusion my mil and I don’t like each other, she never ‘pops In’ - I don’t want her to either. But she takes the kids out annually to a pantomime near her and it’s fine - I think she can relax more with the kids if I’m not there.
So long as you trust her to keep them safe - let them go, and then they WILL get to know each other - which you say you want? AND it will keep Mil and DH happy.

She doesn't feel welcome to drop in as you said "don't wait for invites as they won't happen" to her- she may also have seen this as a 'dig' from you to her- i know i would! I'd see that as I'm not welcome at all- so yes she probably does want to take the kids out,she feels welcome with them,but not you& hubby.i didn't always see eye to eye when my own kids were growing up, but i very rarely have to 'tell off ' my GC,so its an easier relationship.you do sound a bit of a 'helicopter' mum if i may say so( we've all been there when our kids were young,me especially when my two youngest were little,being so premature at birth(3mths early)probably still am with my youngest, but we all gain wisdom & common sense by the time we are Grandparents,she loves them,let her bond more with them.Just a thought,do your parents take them out alone? Its sauce for goose and gander,as they say! Start with you all having a day out together,hubby included- it might help his relationship with his mum too

I don't see why inviting her is not possible. There seems to be a bit of intransigence on both sides.
I agree with Tigertooth that they are going to be unsafe with her, you should try it out. Maybe not for a long day, but it is not really that unreasonable a request. If they say they don't want to go again, then so be it.
The problem with asking the children is that they will pick up on your negativity about it however much you might not want to show it. My mother didn't get along with her PIL but would never have prevented us seeing them or spending a day with them.
She never will get to know them well if things go on as they are and something has to change. You want it to be her. It hasn't occurred to her that it shouldn't be you. Rise above it, invite her for a visit, maybe go out for a short visit somewhere local and take it step by step.

That should be 'unless' they are going to be unsafe with her.

I don't understand why you're insisting on M-i-L dropping in uninvited if she'd rather be invited. And I do think YABU complaining about her not building a relationship with the children if you won't do the one thing that would enable that to happen!