Grandparent Advice Greatly Appreciated!

I normally agree with most of you points hithere but this,

*Step mom doesn't want anything to do with MIL (I dont blame her) but she lets offers her child as sacrificial lamb - what a shame. That child deserves a better mother
It is unfair for her to drop the responsibility of her child having a relationship with your MIL on you and dh.*

It’s NOT the child’s mother’s job to ensure that son has a relationship with her former MIL, it’s the child’s fathers job. It’s his mother, and he has visitation time.

Re “pop-ins”, it sounds like your MIL, wants you to stand on ceremony for her and properly invite her each time. She wants to be chased.
That said, I do think that in addition to having your open door, you should invite her now and then.

I won’t comment on “alone” visits, only you can decide if you’re comfortable.

Summerlove,
Re: stepson visits - I agree with you, I did not express myself properly in my post.

Thank you everyone. I know different people have different views and I respect that but thank you for actually all being polite and respectful to me also, even when your views are different.
Just to clarify a couple of things to several points.
1. She has only ever taken my stepson out once. That was when she made it such a painful event...complained about no pushchair despite him a fantastic little walker and he was well out of a pushchair...and no she is not poor, but asked for the money for her and his entry fee to the theme park. It was her 'idea'. We hadn't asked her to take him there.
Secondly, the one time I asked her to look after our daughter who was still relatively young, the reason I asked her to stay home with her was because it was only for a few hours, was wet and windy, my daughter had been under the weather and we were travelling a few days later and I just wanted her to be as well as possible for travelling. When she purposely said 'I can't just sit in doing nothing' that was her way of totally dismissing my request. I was actually a bit gobsmacked as I would of thought sitting in and spending quality time with your grand daughter wouldn't exactly be classed as 'doing nothing'.

With regards to the stepmum situation....yes she could talk to us about seeing him when he is in our care or actually see him frequently when he is in our care but for some reason she wants to take him on outings when he is NOT in our care and wants us to try and facilitate that.

We do offer 'invites' from time to time, we haven't just sat silent. The only time their is any real form of communication is if my husband initiates it. There is zero communication from MIL's end....no phone calls, no texts etc, no nothing.....and then I have been told by another family member 'she cries because she can't see her grandchildren'!!!!!!! We are HERE....10 mins down the road, we have never said your not welcome or can't see them.
Maybe I should have put more in my original post but I didn't feel it fair to just go straight out pointing out all her what I find 'odd'... (and no offense meant as it may not be odd to others) behaviour.
You have all helped with your input and I feel a lot more settled in my own mind that I am not a monster of a DIL by thinking she needs to work up to me feeling comfortable to let her take my children out for the full day when she has given me the impression she wants it all or nothing.
Thank you again!

Also I guess the more questions people have asked and points they have raised brings other things to the forefront on my mind....it can be hard to put so much into words. I am in no way perfect and don't claim to be but I have also tried to be accomodating and compromise. As examples,
I will be blunt....she has said and done some real nasty things to me which I have tried to be what I believe to be the bigger person and not retaliate or stoop to her nastiness.
I have tried different 'tacts'. The rare times she has come to our place I have been polite and spent time with her to try and make her feel included then on other occassions i have considered she may well feel uncomfortable if she feels like I am 'sitting over her' so have still been home but said things like 'hey kids, you can show Gran how to play your new game or Gran might like to see your new books, if you ask nicely she might read them to you' then I have made myself busy with washing or even going as far to say 'do you mind if I leave you guys to it while I catch up on some chores'
Another example was mother's day....she wanted us all to meet for a breakfast out, I had told my husband prior to this that all I wanted for mothers day was a breakfast out with him and the kids as our little family. I then said to him that we could then perhaps all meet later in the day for cake at the coffee shop so he could still see his mum and i could see mine. He enforced this and let's just say she was NOT HAPPY, she turned up but it was clear she was grumpy....to the point she didn't even order anything!
I think I just have to face facts that she does not like or respect me....I will be honest and say I did notice a shift in her personality towards me once she realised I wouldn't jump to her every suggestion or comment.....and once she knew my mum was coming in the labour room with me and husband (at the request of both my husband and I).
As the saying goes 'you can't please them all'. At least I know I have tried and stayed polite when I could have just been nasty so I am not going to feel guilty....especially after reading what some other grandparents have gone though.
Thank you all again.

Pusdy,
You have more than tried to make it work with your MIL and she clearly wants her way or the highway.

If you had a bingo card with "what not to do if you want to be a good mil", she would hit them all.

She is a manipulative narcissist. You will never " win". Sit down with your husband and agree a way forward.

In the meantime check information on narcissism on you tube, I guarantee it will ring big old bells.

It sounds like you’ve done far more than most Pudsy.

Time to let her put some effort in.

Just answer her back when she says things you don't like. Stop pussyfooting around her. Doesn't sound like you've you have much to lose and neither have your children. Stand up to her.

And if she still wants to take the kids off your hands for a few hours, let her.

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

Gonegirl, why should she send the children off with someone who not only disregards their needs, but doesn’t actually seem to care that they are more than dolls to play with?

Her job as their parent is to protect them from hurt. That includes emotional pain, especially from those who proclaim to care about them.

Why hurt them kids so MIL can feel important? If she wants to spend time with them, she can start by doing it with the children’s parents involved. If she refuses to do that, then she doesn’t actually want to relationship with the children.

Gonegirl,
You recommend for OP, an adult, to stand up to MIL but still let her have unsupervised access to the kids when those poor kids cannot stand up for themselves.
It makes no sense whatsoever.

I'm sure she would be fine taking them out for a few hours, even if she isn't always dropping in or fussing over them all the time. So long as the kids want to, let them. Might even help the family situation.

Gonegirl

The problem is that the MIL doesn't really know the children that well, and on the few occasions that she has taken them out, she has indicated that she's not willing to follow the parents' boundaries. That's not a safe situation.

I'm not sure I'd want to drop in on pudsey2019 tbh.

The kids will soon learn to object if they don't want to be taken out by their other Granny.

The kids will soon learn to object if they don't want to be taken out by their other Granny.

Why do you always assume the worst about young posters, and jump onside to the “mil is is fine, Dil is unreasonable” side?

Gonegirl,
The stepson already objects to be taken to grandma to spend the day with her.
So wise for his young age.

Pudsy2019, one thing that stood out for me, was that your Mil has spoken to you many times in a nasty and disrespectful way.
You say that you ignore the comments to be polite and the better person.
All you have done is given her more power to insult you any time she wants and she knows that you will just take it.
The best thing that you could do the next time she speaks to you in a nasty way, is to tell her that you won't be spoken to in that way and either walk away with your kids or tell her to leave.
Quite honestly this woman sounds like an absolute nightmare, if it was me she would be long gone.