Grandparent Advice Greatly Appreciated!

Oh,and a child well wrapped up in a pram (so long as its sheltered by a hood/ pram or buggy cover etc) wont come to any harm.i did it when mine were little,(often theres no choice,if youve to collect other child/children from school) but they usually come to no harm& the fresh air is good for them.As im sure was the norm when your MIL was a mum.so long as your baby was warm& dry im sure it was ok,and a lot of babies love the walk to drop off to sleep,its soothing.

I can't see anything really terrible about the situation other than both you and your mother in law appear to have differing views on just about everything.

Again, I don't actually see anything wrong in grandparents seeing their grandchildren on their terms (if that is what they want) Some feel they have done enough ha ha (not speaking personally by the way) She doesn't appear to be saying she doesn't want to see them but wants to choose when is convenient to her? I think you just have to accept that.

Many people will not just drop in to somebody else's house. My mother wouldn't come to any of her children's houses without an invite and we used to laugh at that but ...it was the way she was!

As for taking them out and you feeling she doesn't know them well enough? Well assuming YOU know they will be well looked after, what better way of getting to know them than being out for a full fun filled day? I am thinking back to my own grandparents now and paternal ones I knew well and were involved in my life. Maternal ones not so (it bugged my mum rotten as well) However, us kids didn't give a hoot and absolutely loved going out for the day with the ones we didn't see as much. It was different and fun. Your kids will only suffer if you make a bit issue about it all (believe me because my mum did plenty of sulking about the seeming lack of grandmotherly love but we never felt that at all)

Bottom line is we can't all think and behave the same. I would just invite them to your house, don't take umbrage if they don't come, let them choose to take the kids out, don't be too over critical with them etc etc.

Yes all of the above,oh,and come back on here when youre a granny to see if you still have the same views about everything

Pudsy2019 welcome. Lots of different perspectives here but I think Hithere has offered a very perceptive summing up of what seem to be the underlying issues in your situation. My DD and SIL are going through a very difficult time with his parents, many similarities to your own but that relationship has unfortunately broken down. ALWAYS trust your instincts as a mother where the care of your children is concerned. I would disagree with others who feel that its a grandparents right to "parade their grandchildren around." It isn't. That privilege needs to be earned by building a warm and loving relationship with the children from the start. My own MIL was wonderful, lived a long way away but always made me feel like a good Mum and our children loved her and felt safe and secure when they stayed with her.

Firstly....WOW...thank you all for taking the time to respond and be polite. You have all helped me a great deal and it has been really uplifting to me to actually see the various points so a genuine thank you. I think I have bottled a lot up because I have tried to not upset any apple carts!
Apologies that I am not responding to all individual posts but trying to address everything as think that is fair to the people so sorry if I miss anything...it is not intentional.
To clarify the children are 3 and 7.
I do understand grandparents are proud and want to show their grandchildren off but what I mean by parading them is more, I guess I don't know if I am using the right words but it is like she just wants to take them for the sake of creating an image to her friends. She took the eldest once around 2 years ago....rang the night before with a list of what she wanted packed in the bag....spare clothes, drinks, snacks etc...wanted a pushchair for him (we explained he walked everywhere and he no longer had one), arrived the next morning, asked my husband for the money to cover his and her entry fee to the theme park, took him out, came back late in the afternoon, explained they'd had met up with one of her friends and grandchild for coffee and she literally threw him back in the door...it was awful and just came across that she literally had just took him for the sake of having her grandchild there to satisfy her need of wanting to show she was a grandparent. He did not look like he had an enjoyable day and to this day does not ask for outings with her.
Secondly the reason MIL and stepsons mother don't talk is simply because she upset her with her opinions. It took a long time for my stepsons mother, my husband and me to all get to a really great place where we get along and actually are nice to each other. Neither my husband or me want that to change. Husband is scared of his mum upsetting his ex and in turn affecting the relationship we have managed to achieve and in turn stepsons mother has confided in me that she does not want a relationship with her. She is fine for MIL to spend time with stepson when he is in our care but does not want to have her calling her or making direct arrangements with her.
I can appreciate all your thoughts on the dropping in. I understand some people wouldn't do it and if she didn't want to then I had given her an open invite to call, text etc beforehand or simply just ring up and say 'oh I was thinking of calling past to see the kids on Friday, is that ok'.....she knows I would either say yes no problem or sorry we will be heading out but if your free xyz or xyz pop past then if you like.
There has just been nothing. On the flipside her other child who has no children....she pops down on a regular basis....even goes and collects their pet and walks it for them while they are at work, calls to see if they need anything picked up from the shops etc.
I do think she has said things to 'test' me at times but I have not retaliated and maybe I should have. I consider myself fair and even go as far as explaining my reasoning.
I am going to be having a good long chat with husband and will see how things progress. I think part of my issue is I was wondering if I was just coming across as difficult and to be honest you have all made me realise that yes, there could be things I could do to try and improve the situation but I am also not being totally unreasonable.
If she does not want to show an interest and remain distant I can accept that and I view it as her loss, however if she genuinely wants to be spending time with them, then I am prepared to work with that but she needs to be prepared to compromise with me.....time will tell and I will try to keep you updated.
Thank you again, this has really been weighing on my mind and this forum has helped so truely appreciate it.

Hi pudsey2019, I would never just pop in, but I have a daughter 5 mins away, sonnetime just text het and say, are you busy if not is it ok to pop down for a cuppa. But my son and his partner who live about 20mins away, I always wait for an invite. Would never think to just pop round.. I think it's always better to be invited. Don't them think I'm intruding,. Invite you MIL, perhaps go on a trip with her and the children.

I think I just worked out to reply.
You made me laugh so thank you...I needed it.
Believe it or not, despite not being a granny (think it's a long way off) I am quite old fashioned and I don't mean that in a rude manner. I actually think the majority of older generation are a lot wiser and have way more common sense. I am certainly not up with some of the 'new age parenting' but respect everyone as each to their own. So yes, should I become a granny later in life, I will probably have similar views but it could be my daughter telling me she has different views and that was my way but now google recommends a totally different way of parenting....but I will just have to wait and see. Thank you again ☺

My own mother was like that with my children, her grandchildren. When she visited us she ignored them and wanted to talk to me all the time. In my view, not hers, we never had a close relationship. My solution was to go out together - me, her and my two youngest ( the eldest was at school). We went to the swimming baths. She liked swimming and it gave us all a focus and a chance to get to know each other better. She helped the older grandchild get undredressed and dressed and supervised her in the pool, whilst I dealt with the toddler. Afterwards we had a drink and snack in the cafe and we all had fun. I didn't have a car at the time so she drove us there. I couldn't have managed the trip on my own. It proved an enjoyable weekly outing for the four of us. Hope you can find a local mini
outing to involve all of you. Good luck.

Yes, your MIL wants to play grandmother of the year award when it is convenient for her.
What are you going to do about it? Let your children be used like that?

Mil drops by her unmarried child's home whenever she likes and gets her pet to walk - yet, she complains about your open door policy- I call b.s.
She is not into you and your family unless it is convenient for her.
I bet that unmarried child has kids and MIL will drop you like a hot potato

Step mom doesn't want anything to do with MIL (I dont blame her) but she lets offers her child as sacrificial lamb - what a shame. That child deserves a better mother
It is unfair for her to drop the responsibility of her child having a relationship with your MIL on you and dh.

Was your mil a factor in the break up in the first marriage/relationship?
Do your dh and ex-wife even coparent together or he also leaves that up to you?

The key here is your dh. He is so scared of his mom (not of his exwife) that he doesn't want to upset his mother.

Your dh is failing your kids, the ex-wife, you and MIL.

If he did his job as husband, he would be in charge of the relationship between you and MIL, stepson and MIL and be able to have a chance to be a family with healthy boundaries.
By him standing on the sidelines, he is being a coward and hidind behind you.

1. Drop the rope with MIL.
All communications for visit, social calls, etc go through him.
No more social secretary

2. MIL cannot see the kids unsupervised unless she behaves like a real involved and caring grandmother. You and dh are there for the visits.
What's going to happen when kids grow up, challenge her opinion and are not cute anymore? What is going to happen they disagree with her? Her wrath will descend on those innocent kids so fast that:
A. They will learn to fear MIL as much as your dh does or
B. You and your dh teach your kids to stand up for themselves by leading by example - no more pacifying or being a doormat - she says something you do not like, speak up

3. Your dh needs therapy to deal with this.
You and your dh are not on the same page, let alone in the same universe.
When you are and enforce your boundaries, all these problems will be solved.

I also hate people turning up with no warning, and don’t drop in without warning to any of my 3 DD’s houses for the same reason. Possibly your MIL also finds this difficult.
I was bought up with fairly formal customs, but when I met DH his mother was the same as you, in that it was a drop round any time arrangement. I found it very difficult to cope with! as it was completely against my own family culture!
Maybe try issuing her with a specific invitation, eg please come round for lunch on Sunday, or we would love you to join us in a trip to the park etc?

I just want to clarify that it is not that I am insisting she pops in uninvited and maybe I worded it wrong. Initially I said to her on multiple occasions she had an open invite, don't wait for an invite because it won't come. I did reiterate to her that I meant that in a nice manner meaning that she didn't need to wait for us to 'invite' her to call in or come for a cuppa. I reiterated to her that I wasn't going to 'formally invite' her to come for a cuppa....that is just not me. Again this was in a nice manner. I also said to her anytime she wanted to pop in she could, she could ring ahead to see if it was convenient, send a text even if it was for further in the week or just turn up. The reason I said this to her was because I didn't want her to feel pushed out and I thought I was doing the polite thing.....I didn't want her to feel like she had to wait to be asked to come to our house or see the children and I explained this to her. I thought this would be appreciated by her but maybe i was wrong.
But there has been zero effort unless we have initiated it. So it's not that I insist she pops in unexpected, I just feel there is zero interest to visit the children and I would feel alot more comfortable if she actually got to know the children in their home environment first before allowing them out for a full day trip. It is like she only wants to see them on her own out in full public view.
I wouldn't say I am a helicopter parent, I do take my role as a parent seriously but certainly don't hover when I am comfortable. My MIL has said some very nasty things and I would go as far to say has said things just to try and belittle me. Despite all of this I could have turned around and said 'lady I am done with you and your comments and their my kids so just stop with your petty remarks' but I didn't.
The one thing that has become clear is that I haven't been nasty when I could have been, I can't force her to have a relationship with them or show more interest than she is prepared to give, I won't stop or block her seeing the children but I do have a right to also set some ground rules.

CrazyH is spot on.
I ALWAYS ask my family if it`s okay to visit and they do the same.
TBH,i don`t like anyone to just pop in,never have.
And crazyH is spot on as far as the DC are concerned.

As many here have pointed out, it';s natural for a daughter to be closer to her mum than to her MIL. "Popping in' any time works for your mum because it's 'my daughter's' house and lots of opportunity for time and closeness to the GC. Your MIL on the other hand may need to hear the words " What are you doing right now? We just put on a pot of tea ....come on over and join us"

Yes, she may be difficult and opinionated but that's typical of someone who is very insecure because of repeated blows to her ego sometime in her past. Her words and actions may be preemptively defensive in order to protect herself. She probably craves your appreciation...and wants reassurance that she's welcome and not overstepping your boundaries. She may deliberately be making herself scarce rather than risk being unwelcome.

Having said that, you need to ask yourself what is the outcome that you're looking for....Do you seek to improve your relationship with your MIL or do you want to keep her at arms length?

If you truly want things to improve, you it may require some extra effort on your part. The payoff could be a lifelong friend and ally instead of a difficult MIL.

I sympathize with you I went through exactly the same with my mil, still do even though the children are grown up with their own children, always called her "fork tongue" you are the parent do as you feel fit do not pamper to her needs, I have a great relationship with my dd and dil and she hates it but I always vowed I would never be like her, I know all the grand children well enough to be able to take them out without any problems, mil thinks it is wrong that I have looked after grand children since they were babies, even arranging our work days around each other for both dd and dil, it works well for us all and I think it's an honour to look after them mil thinks I'm a mug but whenever she says her cutting remarks I just smile broadly at her and walk away, it infuriates her but if I said anything to her I don't think we'd see her again so for hubbys sake I keep quiet, no grand parent has the right to dictatate over their grand children, she keeps away now as I did have a go at her but about something totally different hubby visits her a couple of times a week she's happy as long as she sees her son so good all round just stand your ground don't back down.

I can't see any problem for letting the children to go somewhere nice for the day if they are happy to do so. It sounds like you have one way of doing things and she has another with you both determined not to give way. It might be she would feel more comfortable popping in if she knew the children better. It seems like a chicken and egg situation!

Sorry if this offends but my view is, the facts are you have parental responsibility and not the grandmas, grandads or anyone else.

As such, you should have boundaries around your immediate family. If extended family are in any way causing difficulties or upsets, then the conversation needs to be very short. Explaining what parental responsibility is according to the law.

Some grandmas and grandads need to learn this is a fact.

You keep saying that you have given her an open invitation but that is not an invitation and I still don't see why a slightly more formal invitation is such a problem. I tend to assume that if people say 'pop in sometime', they want to be polite but don't really want a visit.
It may seem like a bit of a quirk but, however difficult she may be in other ways, that is not being deliberately difficult, it is just the way she was probably brought up.

I have a close and very happy relationship with my DiL and I would never 'just pop in' on her and would not expect her to do that with me. We are both very busy people and someone just turning up on the doorstep could be very inconvenient.

If your MiL prefers to have an invite then just issue one at regular intervals, you cannot expect her to do things just as your family does. 2 different families, adapt to their separate ways and do not make an issue of it.

As for the 'sly digs' ignore them, just continue as if the remark hadn't been made. She will eventually stop doing it because she gets no response.

I am sorry but in this case I think you are in a perfectly normal relationship with both families. DiL, and I was one for 25 years just need to go with the flow.

We are all different. I love unannounced callers, my DIL who lives round the corner drops in and I drop in at hers. Not frequently...!!!! but we see eachother every week.

Of course you are closer to your own mum. I call both my daughter in laws my other daughters....but they are closer to their mums and I am closer to my daughter.

It sounds like she is just a lot more formal than you are used to. I get it. When I first met my husband in the mid seventies...his parents were a generation older than my parents. They behaved differently, were very formal by comparison to my parents and I found it very hard to warm to them, particularly my MIL.

Roll on thirty years....we became so close. She used to call me her third daughter....I loved her to bits and when she died I really missed her.

My kids didn't have a close relationship with any grandparents due to distance. I regret that. I had a nan that I used to go to every weekend and she was just another parent layer for me.

It sounds a bit different for you because your husband isn't that close to his mum. Maybe she isn't very maternal. With regard to the stepson you have, why don't you let your husband take the lead on that? let him organise with his ex contact and days out with his mother? no reason why you should be given the job of ambassador! Also don't worry about the odd comment about your mum being too close.... my mother in law used to give me endless advice, 'don't breastfeed for longer than 3 months' 'don't go to a child when they cry at night' 'don't have your child in your bed at night'. All comments were filed in the bin and I did exactly what I bl**dy well wanted to do bringing up my own kids.

I wouldn't stress it too much. See how the kids feel about a day with their granny. Bottom line, if they don't want to go, then its an abstract conversation, because you don't really make a child spend a day with someone they don't want to spend a day with. Good luck!

Hi, I’m a step gran, married to the children’s dad, but they lived with us from the age of 4 for the youngest. Between the 3 children they have 2 step children and 3 biological ones. I have always been close to all of them but days out and staying was always the parents decision. 1 had days out from the age of 4, 1 stayed with us for 2 nights from 10 months and the other didn’t stay until the age of 6. It was always what the parents thought appropriate for their children. You need to be happy with them spending the day with her away from home first. If not why not suggest she looks after them at your house for a couple of hours first. I always respect the parents view whether I agree with it or not. I’m sure you can sort this.

You are so thoughtful, and its commendable you want to honour your MIL. Im a MIL and it shocks me how some women treat their DILs.
Your MIL really should not be guilting you out about your relationship with your family. Secondly your DH should be leading the discission with his Mom not you. You can put your boundries in place, guilt free. Your MIL is clearly insecure, but its not of your making. Dont enable her bad behaviour. You and DH need to be a united front, and he should take the lead. Hope it all works out.

Pudsy, I find it so strange that when your MIL takes the little ones out for the day, she asks your husband for money to cover the expenses. Unless she is extremely poor, I find it outrageous . I'm divorced, I'm not rich, but I would never ask for money to take the GC out for the day.

People are different. I would never expect my MiL to just pop over without calling ahead. She doesn’t work that way. When she comes, invited of course, she expects to have good quality time with everyone and the focus is on visiting with each other because the time has been set aside for just that. It could feel chaotic to her to just stop over and have you or the kids busy doing something else, which may make her feel she is imposing and not really welcome. On the other hand, my family is much more casual and are fine if I’m folding laundry when they stop by, but still, they always call first.

Hi Pudsy.
The way you describe your MIL’s behaviour and the difficulty she has had developing a close relationship with her own son, makes me wonder what type of parenting she experienced as a child.
Not excusing her behaviour, but it might help to explain why she wants a relationship with her GC, but may not have the emotional capacity to easily develop same in reality.
You may have to resign yourself to the situation regarding your family’s relationship with her and accept that your husband needs to hang on to the part of his mother that he has, which I understand may result in you feeling unsupported by him at times and possibly in a me and her situation with your MIL.
I think that previous posters have said to be guided by your children re outings. I live far from one of my GC, but frequent contact is not always required for a bond to develop and in my experience as a mum as well as a gran, your children will tell you quite plainly if they do not wish to see or spend time with someone.
If your MIL wants her friends to see her GC, perhaps allow her some pride, for what ever reason and stop over analysing her intentions. Constant battling is exhausting and can become all consuming. Sometimes we cannot change a situation, only the way we look at it.
If you still feel that your MIL needs to see your children more frequently before you feel confident enough for them to spend extended time away from you with her, to which you have a right, it may have to be you who does the leg work and even after that, you may have to accept that things may not change. It’s the same distance from your house to hers as the other way round, which is the way I had to look at it it with my own MIL.
Let some of the heat out of the pressure cooker. You know what they say (whoever they are) you can choose your friends, so use them to let off steam sometimes or for a bit of time out from the situation. Family dynamics are ever changing.
Good luck.

I think AGnurse said is great, I really feel for you. I am a grandmother who has spent a lot of time both looking after and taking my grandchildren out, but I always check with my daughter to see she is happy about the outing to wherever. When my daughter lived round the corner - literally - I would always text to ask if it was convenient for me to pop round, sometimes it wasn’t, no problem to me. I respect her and my sil’s right to privacy, I am lucky to have a wonderful relationship with my DD, Sil and grandchildren.