Grandparent Advice Greatly Appreciated!

Sorry if this offends but my view is, the facts are you have parental responsibility and not the grandmas, grandads or anyone else.

As such, you should have boundaries around your immediate family. If extended family are in any way causing difficulties or upsets, then the conversation needs to be very short. Explaining what parental responsibility is according to the law.

Some grandmas and grandads need to learn this is a fact.

I can't see any problem for letting the children to go somewhere nice for the day if they are happy to do so. It sounds like you have one way of doing things and she has another with you both determined not to give way. It might be she would feel more comfortable popping in if she knew the children better. It seems like a chicken and egg situation!

I sympathize with you I went through exactly the same with my mil, still do even though the children are grown up with their own children, always called her "fork tongue" you are the parent do as you feel fit do not pamper to her needs, I have a great relationship with my dd and dil and she hates it but I always vowed I would never be like her, I know all the grand children well enough to be able to take them out without any problems, mil thinks it is wrong that I have looked after grand children since they were babies, even arranging our work days around each other for both dd and dil, it works well for us all and I think it's an honour to look after them mil thinks I'm a mug but whenever she says her cutting remarks I just smile broadly at her and walk away, it infuriates her but if I said anything to her I don't think we'd see her again so for hubbys sake I keep quiet, no grand parent has the right to dictatate over their grand children, she keeps away now as I did have a go at her but about something totally different hubby visits her a couple of times a week she's happy as long as she sees her son so good all round just stand your ground don't back down.

As many here have pointed out, it';s natural for a daughter to be closer to her mum than to her MIL. "Popping in' any time works for your mum because it's 'my daughter's' house and lots of opportunity for time and closeness to the GC. Your MIL on the other hand may need to hear the words " What are you doing right now? We just put on a pot of tea ....come on over and join us"

Yes, she may be difficult and opinionated but that's typical of someone who is very insecure because of repeated blows to her ego sometime in her past. Her words and actions may be preemptively defensive in order to protect herself. She probably craves your appreciation...and wants reassurance that she's welcome and not overstepping your boundaries. She may deliberately be making herself scarce rather than risk being unwelcome.

Having said that, you need to ask yourself what is the outcome that you're looking for....Do you seek to improve your relationship with your MIL or do you want to keep her at arms length?

If you truly want things to improve, you it may require some extra effort on your part. The payoff could be a lifelong friend and ally instead of a difficult MIL.

CrazyH is spot on.
I ALWAYS ask my family if it`s okay to visit and they do the same.
TBH,i don`t like anyone to just pop in,never have.
And crazyH is spot on as far as the DC are concerned.

I just want to clarify that it is not that I am insisting she pops in uninvited and maybe I worded it wrong. Initially I said to her on multiple occasions she had an open invite, don't wait for an invite because it won't come. I did reiterate to her that I meant that in a nice manner meaning that she didn't need to wait for us to 'invite' her to call in or come for a cuppa. I reiterated to her that I wasn't going to 'formally invite' her to come for a cuppa....that is just not me. Again this was in a nice manner. I also said to her anytime she wanted to pop in she could, she could ring ahead to see if it was convenient, send a text even if it was for further in the week or just turn up. The reason I said this to her was because I didn't want her to feel pushed out and I thought I was doing the polite thing.....I didn't want her to feel like she had to wait to be asked to come to our house or see the children and I explained this to her. I thought this would be appreciated by her but maybe i was wrong.
But there has been zero effort unless we have initiated it. So it's not that I insist she pops in unexpected, I just feel there is zero interest to visit the children and I would feel alot more comfortable if she actually got to know the children in their home environment first before allowing them out for a full day trip. It is like she only wants to see them on her own out in full public view.
I wouldn't say I am a helicopter parent, I do take my role as a parent seriously but certainly don't hover when I am comfortable. My MIL has said some very nasty things and I would go as far to say has said things just to try and belittle me. Despite all of this I could have turned around and said 'lady I am done with you and your comments and their my kids so just stop with your petty remarks' but I didn't.
The one thing that has become clear is that I haven't been nasty when I could have been, I can't force her to have a relationship with them or show more interest than she is prepared to give, I won't stop or block her seeing the children but I do have a right to also set some ground rules.

I also hate people turning up with no warning, and don’t drop in without warning to any of my 3 DD’s houses for the same reason. Possibly your MIL also finds this difficult.
I was bought up with fairly formal customs, but when I met DH his mother was the same as you, in that it was a drop round any time arrangement. I found it very difficult to cope with! as it was completely against my own family culture!
Maybe try issuing her with a specific invitation, eg please come round for lunch on Sunday, or we would love you to join us in a trip to the park etc?

Yes, your MIL wants to play grandmother of the year award when it is convenient for her.
What are you going to do about it? Let your children be used like that?

Mil drops by her unmarried child's home whenever she likes and gets her pet to walk - yet, she complains about your open door policy- I call b.s.
She is not into you and your family unless it is convenient for her.
I bet that unmarried child has kids and MIL will drop you like a hot potato

Step mom doesn't want anything to do with MIL (I dont blame her) but she lets offers her child as sacrificial lamb - what a shame. That child deserves a better mother
It is unfair for her to drop the responsibility of her child having a relationship with your MIL on you and dh.

Was your mil a factor in the break up in the first marriage/relationship?
Do your dh and ex-wife even coparent together or he also leaves that up to you?

The key here is your dh. He is so scared of his mom (not of his exwife) that he doesn't want to upset his mother.

Your dh is failing your kids, the ex-wife, you and MIL.

If he did his job as husband, he would be in charge of the relationship between you and MIL, stepson and MIL and be able to have a chance to be a family with healthy boundaries.
By him standing on the sidelines, he is being a coward and hidind behind you.

1. Drop the rope with MIL.
All communications for visit, social calls, etc go through him.
No more social secretary

2. MIL cannot see the kids unsupervised unless she behaves like a real involved and caring grandmother. You and dh are there for the visits.
What's going to happen when kids grow up, challenge her opinion and are not cute anymore? What is going to happen they disagree with her? Her wrath will descend on those innocent kids so fast that:
A. They will learn to fear MIL as much as your dh does or
B. You and your dh teach your kids to stand up for themselves by leading by example - no more pacifying or being a doormat - she says something you do not like, speak up

3. Your dh needs therapy to deal with this.
You and your dh are not on the same page, let alone in the same universe.
When you are and enforce your boundaries, all these problems will be solved.

My own mother was like that with my children, her grandchildren. When she visited us she ignored them and wanted to talk to me all the time. In my view, not hers, we never had a close relationship. My solution was to go out together - me, her and my two youngest ( the eldest was at school). We went to the swimming baths. She liked swimming and it gave us all a focus and a chance to get to know each other better. She helped the older grandchild get undredressed and dressed and supervised her in the pool, whilst I dealt with the toddler. Afterwards we had a drink and snack in the cafe and we all had fun. I didn't have a car at the time so she drove us there. I couldn't have managed the trip on my own. It proved an enjoyable weekly outing for the four of us. Hope you can find a local mini
outing to involve all of you. Good luck.

I think I just worked out to reply.
You made me laugh so thank you...I needed it.
Believe it or not, despite not being a granny (think it's a long way off) I am quite old fashioned and I don't mean that in a rude manner. I actually think the majority of older generation are a lot wiser and have way more common sense. I am certainly not up with some of the 'new age parenting' but respect everyone as each to their own. So yes, should I become a granny later in life, I will probably have similar views but it could be my daughter telling me she has different views and that was my way but now google recommends a totally different way of parenting....but I will just have to wait and see. Thank you again ☺

Hi pudsey2019, I would never just pop in, but I have a daughter 5 mins away, sonnetime just text het and say, are you busy if not is it ok to pop down for a cuppa. But my son and his partner who live about 20mins away, I always wait for an invite. Would never think to just pop round.. I think it's always better to be invited. Don't them think I'm intruding,. Invite you MIL, perhaps go on a trip with her and the children.

Firstly....WOW...thank you all for taking the time to respond and be polite. You have all helped me a great deal and it has been really uplifting to me to actually see the various points so a genuine thank you. I think I have bottled a lot up because I have tried to not upset any apple carts!
Apologies that I am not responding to all individual posts but trying to address everything as think that is fair to the people so sorry if I miss anything...it is not intentional.
To clarify the children are 3 and 7.
I do understand grandparents are proud and want to show their grandchildren off but what I mean by parading them is more, I guess I don't know if I am using the right words but it is like she just wants to take them for the sake of creating an image to her friends. She took the eldest once around 2 years ago....rang the night before with a list of what she wanted packed in the bag....spare clothes, drinks, snacks etc...wanted a pushchair for him (we explained he walked everywhere and he no longer had one), arrived the next morning, asked my husband for the money to cover his and her entry fee to the theme park, took him out, came back late in the afternoon, explained they'd had met up with one of her friends and grandchild for coffee and she literally threw him back in the door...it was awful and just came across that she literally had just took him for the sake of having her grandchild there to satisfy her need of wanting to show she was a grandparent. He did not look like he had an enjoyable day and to this day does not ask for outings with her.
Secondly the reason MIL and stepsons mother don't talk is simply because she upset her with her opinions. It took a long time for my stepsons mother, my husband and me to all get to a really great place where we get along and actually are nice to each other. Neither my husband or me want that to change. Husband is scared of his mum upsetting his ex and in turn affecting the relationship we have managed to achieve and in turn stepsons mother has confided in me that she does not want a relationship with her. She is fine for MIL to spend time with stepson when he is in our care but does not want to have her calling her or making direct arrangements with her.
I can appreciate all your thoughts on the dropping in. I understand some people wouldn't do it and if she didn't want to then I had given her an open invite to call, text etc beforehand or simply just ring up and say 'oh I was thinking of calling past to see the kids on Friday, is that ok'.....she knows I would either say yes no problem or sorry we will be heading out but if your free xyz or xyz pop past then if you like.
There has just been nothing. On the flipside her other child who has no children....she pops down on a regular basis....even goes and collects their pet and walks it for them while they are at work, calls to see if they need anything picked up from the shops etc.
I do think she has said things to 'test' me at times but I have not retaliated and maybe I should have. I consider myself fair and even go as far as explaining my reasoning.
I am going to be having a good long chat with husband and will see how things progress. I think part of my issue is I was wondering if I was just coming across as difficult and to be honest you have all made me realise that yes, there could be things I could do to try and improve the situation but I am also not being totally unreasonable.
If she does not want to show an interest and remain distant I can accept that and I view it as her loss, however if she genuinely wants to be spending time with them, then I am prepared to work with that but she needs to be prepared to compromise with me.....time will tell and I will try to keep you updated.
Thank you again, this has really been weighing on my mind and this forum has helped so truely appreciate it.

Pudsy2019 welcome. Lots of different perspectives here but I think Hithere has offered a very perceptive summing up of what seem to be the underlying issues in your situation. My DD and SIL are going through a very difficult time with his parents, many similarities to your own but that relationship has unfortunately broken down. ALWAYS trust your instincts as a mother where the care of your children is concerned. I would disagree with others who feel that its a grandparents right to "parade their grandchildren around." It isn't. That privilege needs to be earned by building a warm and loving relationship with the children from the start. My own MIL was wonderful, lived a long way away but always made me feel like a good Mum and our children loved her and felt safe and secure when they stayed with her.

Yes all of the above,oh,and come back on here when youre a granny to see if you still have the same views about everything

I can't see anything really terrible about the situation other than both you and your mother in law appear to have differing views on just about everything.

Again, I don't actually see anything wrong in grandparents seeing their grandchildren on their terms (if that is what they want) Some feel they have done enough ha ha (not speaking personally by the way) She doesn't appear to be saying she doesn't want to see them but wants to choose when is convenient to her? I think you just have to accept that.

Many people will not just drop in to somebody else's house. My mother wouldn't come to any of her children's houses without an invite and we used to laugh at that but ...it was the way she was!

As for taking them out and you feeling she doesn't know them well enough? Well assuming YOU know they will be well looked after, what better way of getting to know them than being out for a full fun filled day? I am thinking back to my own grandparents now and paternal ones I knew well and were involved in my life. Maternal ones not so (it bugged my mum rotten as well) However, us kids didn't give a hoot and absolutely loved going out for the day with the ones we didn't see as much. It was different and fun. Your kids will only suffer if you make a bit issue about it all (believe me because my mum did plenty of sulking about the seeming lack of grandmotherly love but we never felt that at all)

Bottom line is we can't all think and behave the same. I would just invite them to your house, don't take umbrage if they don't come, let them choose to take the kids out, don't be too over critical with them etc etc.

Oh,and a child well wrapped up in a pram (so long as its sheltered by a hood/ pram or buggy cover etc) wont come to any harm.i did it when mine were little,(often theres no choice,if youve to collect other child/children from school) but they usually come to no harm& the fresh air is good for them.As im sure was the norm when your MIL was a mum.so long as your baby was warm& dry im sure it was ok,and a lot of babies love the walk to drop off to sleep,its soothing.

I don't understand why you're insisting on M-i-L dropping in uninvited if she'd rather be invited. And I do think YABU complaining about her not building a relationship with the children if you won't do the one thing that would enable that to happen!

That should be 'unless' they are going to be unsafe with her.

I don't see why inviting her is not possible. There seems to be a bit of intransigence on both sides.
I agree with Tigertooth that they are going to be unsafe with her, you should try it out. Maybe not for a long day, but it is not really that unreasonable a request. If they say they don't want to go again, then so be it.
The problem with asking the children is that they will pick up on your negativity about it however much you might not want to show it. My mother didn't get along with her PIL but would never have prevented us seeing them or spending a day with them.
She never will get to know them well if things go on as they are and something has to change. You want it to be her. It hasn't occurred to her that it shouldn't be you. Rise above it, invite her for a visit, maybe go out for a short visit somewhere local and take it step by step.

She doesn't feel welcome to drop in as you said "don't wait for invites as they won't happen" to her- she may also have seen this as a 'dig' from you to her- i know i would! I'd see that as I'm not welcome at all- so yes she probably does want to take the kids out,she feels welcome with them,but not you& hubby.i didn't always see eye to eye when my own kids were growing up, but i very rarely have to 'tell off ' my GC,so its an easier relationship.you do sound a bit of a 'helicopter' mum if i may say so( we've all been there when our kids were young,me especially when my two youngest were little,being so premature at birth(3mths early)probably still am with my youngest, but we all gain wisdom & common sense by the time we are Grandparents,she loves them,let her bond more with them.Just a thought,do your parents take them out alone? Its sauce for goose and gander,as they say! Start with you all having a day out together,hubby included- it might help his relationship with his mum too

Why does MiL want you to ask stepsons mum? Why can’t DH make that decision when he’s with you.
My Mil takes the kids out once a year and she doesn’t know them well because she lives about an hour away and is very self centred so when she does visit then it’s all about her and she doesn’t take much notice of out 4children - spends most of the time boasting about her daughters children.
My mother and I are very close, she is second mother to all of mine - she had them all from 6 months until school.
In conclusion my mil and I don’t like each other, she never ‘pops In’ - I don’t want her to either. But she takes the kids out annually to a pantomime near her and it’s fine - I think she can relax more with the kids if I’m not there.
So long as you trust her to keep them safe - let them go, and then they WILL get to know each other - which you say you want? AND it will keep Mil and DH happy.

The past predicts the present.
1. How was she as a mother?
2. What issues did your dh have with her mother?
3. Why did his first marriage/partnership break?
4. How is the relationship between the first mom and your MIL?

There are plenty of red flags in your post, which seem to concentrate on the present, that is why I am asking those questions.

1. Favouritism - it is not good for the kids and they already notice it.
It is very damaging to the kids to know grandma doesn't love him/her as much as compared to their other cousins
My grandma thought boys were better than girls and my parents never protected me from that and I resent it. They said "she is your grandma, she is old fashioned".a

2. You say your MIL is very opinionated, yet she doesn't like the open invite policy.
That tells me that a. She is not into your family (and that's ok) or b. She may not want to bother you (unlikely as she is very opinionated telling you what she wants to do with her gc) or c.she wants to feel special and be asked and chased to visit
If she really wanted to visit you and your family, she would make it happen.
This point is the least of your worries.

3. Your mil has a golden child.
That means your dh could be the scapegoat.
That kind of parenting is very damaging.
What happens when the golden child has kids? Will yours be dropped and ignored in favour of the golden grandkids? - tying to first point.

4. What she wants is not important if it is not beneficial for the kids, even if the kids want to do that with her.
Kids would have ice cream for breakfast if you let them, it doesn't mean it's good for them.
A day off with them and she doesn't know them? Kids are not toys she can
use for a day for her entertainment.
Trust your instincts.

5. Where does your dh stand in all this? "She is my mother" is not a good sign.
He needs to deal with his mother, extend an invitation for a certain date and time (although the visits are again the least of your worries).
From your posts, you seem to be the gatekeeper of kids and family affairs - aka social secretary

It quite often happens that the family of the female in a marriage is closer than a man's parents, so that shouldn't be an issue at all.
You've offered her an open invitation so it's on her if she hasn't taken you up on that, not you.
Could you not occasionally offer an 'official' invitation now and again.
When I was yonger it was normal for people to call round uninvited but these days we always feel we need an appointment and I think that's a shame, but your MiL has obviously taken on that mindset, so there's probably never going to be a time when she just 'drops in'.

Not always true Jillybird- my two youngest children,the 21&16 year old,hated routine from first off as babies,stemming from the 3 months from birth they spent in neo- natal hospital i suspect?(life in there is 24/7 hectic) no difference between night/day.so these two resented 'normal' timetables etc,and youngest still does!Routines did not make them happy babies! All babies/children are different.As are we all.(including MIL's!) Im not inclined to think she "only wants a relationship with them on her own" as another poster said either,-she seems to want to be invited round more,yes she may be a little jealous of your own family coming round so much,just a bit,but thats understandable,i would just invite her a bit more,see how it helps.None of us are perfect,and shes probably 'better' with her GC than when was a parent to her own son,as you live& learn and its easier with GC, as you hand them back at end of the day(or end of the week,or whatever) Just cut her a bit of slack.If the kids don't like or want to go out alone with her they'll soon let you know.

Hi, there are a lot of comments and I haven't read all of them, but having stepchildren myself (now grown up) I thought I would say in case no-one else has .....let your husband deal with her. It's his mother. I think we women are too quick to take on the burden - and it can be a burden - of all the relationships, being social secretary as it were - and the men get away with not doing very much!

Reading between the lines of your several posts I can feel the tension and understand how you are feeling. Yes some people have said it's not a huge issue, but it is something that concerns you and your family - so I suggest you tell your husband exactly how you feel, tactfully, and ask him what he suggests is done about it all.

Don't feel bad because you will never have the same relationship with your MIL as you would with your own mum. Very few people do I imagine.

All the best x