Grandparent Advice Greatly Appreciated!

Pudsy2019, one thing that stood out for me, was that your Mil has spoken to you many times in a nasty and disrespectful way.
You say that you ignore the comments to be polite and the better person.
All you have done is given her more power to insult you any time she wants and she knows that you will just take it.
The best thing that you could do the next time she speaks to you in a nasty way, is to tell her that you won't be spoken to in that way and either walk away with your kids or tell her to leave.
Quite honestly this woman sounds like an absolute nightmare, if it was me she would be long gone.

Gonegirl,
The stepson already objects to be taken to grandma to spend the day with her.
So wise for his young age.

The kids will soon learn to object if they don't want to be taken out by their other Granny.

Why do you always assume the worst about young posters, and jump onside to the “mil is is fine, Dil is unreasonable” side?

I'm not sure I'd want to drop in on pudsey2019 tbh.

The kids will soon learn to object if they don't want to be taken out by their other Granny.

Gonegirl

The problem is that the MIL doesn't really know the children that well, and on the few occasions that she has taken them out, she has indicated that she's not willing to follow the parents' boundaries. That's not a safe situation.

I'm sure she would be fine taking them out for a few hours, even if she isn't always dropping in or fussing over them all the time. So long as the kids want to, let them. Might even help the family situation.

Gonegirl,
You recommend for OP, an adult, to stand up to MIL but still let her have unsupervised access to the kids when those poor kids cannot stand up for themselves.
It makes no sense whatsoever.

Gonegirl, why should she send the children off with someone who not only disregards their needs, but doesn’t actually seem to care that they are more than dolls to play with?

Her job as their parent is to protect them from hurt. That includes emotional pain, especially from those who proclaim to care about them.

Why hurt them kids so MIL can feel important? If she wants to spend time with them, she can start by doing it with the children’s parents involved. If she refuses to do that, then she doesn’t actually want to relationship with the children.

Just answer her back when she says things you don't like. Stop pussyfooting around her. Doesn't sound like you've you have much to lose and neither have your children. Stand up to her.

And if she still wants to take the kids off your hands for a few hours, let her.

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

It sounds like you’ve done far more than most Pudsy.

Time to let her put some effort in.

She is a manipulative narcissist. You will never " win". Sit down with your husband and agree a way forward.

In the meantime check information on narcissism on you tube, I guarantee it will ring big old bells.

Pusdy,
You have more than tried to make it work with your MIL and she clearly wants her way or the highway.

If you had a bingo card with "what not to do if you want to be a good mil", she would hit them all.

Also I guess the more questions people have asked and points they have raised brings other things to the forefront on my mind....it can be hard to put so much into words. I am in no way perfect and don't claim to be but I have also tried to be accomodating and compromise. As examples,
I will be blunt....she has said and done some real nasty things to me which I have tried to be what I believe to be the bigger person and not retaliate or stoop to her nastiness.
I have tried different 'tacts'. The rare times she has come to our place I have been polite and spent time with her to try and make her feel included then on other occassions i have considered she may well feel uncomfortable if she feels like I am 'sitting over her' so have still been home but said things like 'hey kids, you can show Gran how to play your new game or Gran might like to see your new books, if you ask nicely she might read them to you' then I have made myself busy with washing or even going as far to say 'do you mind if I leave you guys to it while I catch up on some chores'
Another example was mother's day....she wanted us all to meet for a breakfast out, I had told my husband prior to this that all I wanted for mothers day was a breakfast out with him and the kids as our little family. I then said to him that we could then perhaps all meet later in the day for cake at the coffee shop so he could still see his mum and i could see mine. He enforced this and let's just say she was NOT HAPPY, she turned up but it was clear she was grumpy....to the point she didn't even order anything!
I think I just have to face facts that she does not like or respect me....I will be honest and say I did notice a shift in her personality towards me once she realised I wouldn't jump to her every suggestion or comment.....and once she knew my mum was coming in the labour room with me and husband (at the request of both my husband and I).
As the saying goes 'you can't please them all'. At least I know I have tried and stayed polite when I could have just been nasty so I am not going to feel guilty....especially after reading what some other grandparents have gone though.
Thank you all again.

Thank you everyone. I know different people have different views and I respect that but thank you for actually all being polite and respectful to me also, even when your views are different.
Just to clarify a couple of things to several points.
1. She has only ever taken my stepson out once. That was when she made it such a painful event...complained about no pushchair despite him a fantastic little walker and he was well out of a pushchair...and no she is not poor, but asked for the money for her and his entry fee to the theme park. It was her 'idea'. We hadn't asked her to take him there.
Secondly, the one time I asked her to look after our daughter who was still relatively young, the reason I asked her to stay home with her was because it was only for a few hours, was wet and windy, my daughter had been under the weather and we were travelling a few days later and I just wanted her to be as well as possible for travelling. When she purposely said 'I can't just sit in doing nothing' that was her way of totally dismissing my request. I was actually a bit gobsmacked as I would of thought sitting in and spending quality time with your grand daughter wouldn't exactly be classed as 'doing nothing'.

With regards to the stepmum situation....yes she could talk to us about seeing him when he is in our care or actually see him frequently when he is in our care but for some reason she wants to take him on outings when he is NOT in our care and wants us to try and facilitate that.

We do offer 'invites' from time to time, we haven't just sat silent. The only time their is any real form of communication is if my husband initiates it. There is zero communication from MIL's end....no phone calls, no texts etc, no nothing.....and then I have been told by another family member 'she cries because she can't see her grandchildren'!!!!!!! We are HERE....10 mins down the road, we have never said your not welcome or can't see them.
Maybe I should have put more in my original post but I didn't feel it fair to just go straight out pointing out all her what I find 'odd'... (and no offense meant as it may not be odd to others) behaviour.
You have all helped with your input and I feel a lot more settled in my own mind that I am not a monster of a DIL by thinking she needs to work up to me feeling comfortable to let her take my children out for the full day when she has given me the impression she wants it all or nothing.
Thank you again!

Summerlove,
Re: stepson visits - I agree with you, I did not express myself properly in my post.

I normally agree with most of you points hithere but this,

*Step mom doesn't want anything to do with MIL (I dont blame her) but she lets offers her child as sacrificial lamb - what a shame. That child deserves a better mother
It is unfair for her to drop the responsibility of her child having a relationship with your MIL on you and dh.*

It’s NOT the child’s mother’s job to ensure that son has a relationship with her former MIL, it’s the child’s fathers job. It’s his mother, and he has visitation time.

Re “pop-ins”, it sounds like your MIL, wants you to stand on ceremony for her and properly invite her each time. She wants to be chased.
That said, I do think that in addition to having your open door, you should invite her now and then.

I won’t comment on “alone” visits, only you can decide if you’re comfortable.

I think AGnurse said is great, I really feel for you. I am a grandmother who has spent a lot of time both looking after and taking my grandchildren out, but I always check with my daughter to see she is happy about the outing to wherever. When my daughter lived round the corner - literally - I would always text to ask if it was convenient for me to pop round, sometimes it wasn’t, no problem to me. I respect her and my sil’s right to privacy, I am lucky to have a wonderful relationship with my DD, Sil and grandchildren.

Hi Pudsy.
The way you describe your MIL’s behaviour and the difficulty she has had developing a close relationship with her own son, makes me wonder what type of parenting she experienced as a child.
Not excusing her behaviour, but it might help to explain why she wants a relationship with her GC, but may not have the emotional capacity to easily develop same in reality.
You may have to resign yourself to the situation regarding your family’s relationship with her and accept that your husband needs to hang on to the part of his mother that he has, which I understand may result in you feeling unsupported by him at times and possibly in a me and her situation with your MIL.
I think that previous posters have said to be guided by your children re outings. I live far from one of my GC, but frequent contact is not always required for a bond to develop and in my experience as a mum as well as a gran, your children will tell you quite plainly if they do not wish to see or spend time with someone.
If your MIL wants her friends to see her GC, perhaps allow her some pride, for what ever reason and stop over analysing her intentions. Constant battling is exhausting and can become all consuming. Sometimes we cannot change a situation, only the way we look at it.
If you still feel that your MIL needs to see your children more frequently before you feel confident enough for them to spend extended time away from you with her, to which you have a right, it may have to be you who does the leg work and even after that, you may have to accept that things may not change. It’s the same distance from your house to hers as the other way round, which is the way I had to look at it it with my own MIL.
Let some of the heat out of the pressure cooker. You know what they say (whoever they are) you can choose your friends, so use them to let off steam sometimes or for a bit of time out from the situation. Family dynamics are ever changing.
Good luck.

People are different. I would never expect my MiL to just pop over without calling ahead. She doesn’t work that way. When she comes, invited of course, she expects to have good quality time with everyone and the focus is on visiting with each other because the time has been set aside for just that. It could feel chaotic to her to just stop over and have you or the kids busy doing something else, which may make her feel she is imposing and not really welcome. On the other hand, my family is much more casual and are fine if I’m folding laundry when they stop by, but still, they always call first.

Pudsy, I find it so strange that when your MIL takes the little ones out for the day, she asks your husband for money to cover the expenses. Unless she is extremely poor, I find it outrageous . I'm divorced, I'm not rich, but I would never ask for money to take the GC out for the day.

You are so thoughtful, and its commendable you want to honour your MIL. Im a MIL and it shocks me how some women treat their DILs.
Your MIL really should not be guilting you out about your relationship with your family. Secondly your DH should be leading the discission with his Mom not you. You can put your boundries in place, guilt free. Your MIL is clearly insecure, but its not of your making. Dont enable her bad behaviour. You and DH need to be a united front, and he should take the lead. Hope it all works out.

Hi, I’m a step gran, married to the children’s dad, but they lived with us from the age of 4 for the youngest. Between the 3 children they have 2 step children and 3 biological ones. I have always been close to all of them but days out and staying was always the parents decision. 1 had days out from the age of 4, 1 stayed with us for 2 nights from 10 months and the other didn’t stay until the age of 6. It was always what the parents thought appropriate for their children. You need to be happy with them spending the day with her away from home first. If not why not suggest she looks after them at your house for a couple of hours first. I always respect the parents view whether I agree with it or not. I’m sure you can sort this.

We are all different. I love unannounced callers, my DIL who lives round the corner drops in and I drop in at hers. Not frequently...!!!! but we see eachother every week.

Of course you are closer to your own mum. I call both my daughter in laws my other daughters....but they are closer to their mums and I am closer to my daughter.

It sounds like she is just a lot more formal than you are used to. I get it. When I first met my husband in the mid seventies...his parents were a generation older than my parents. They behaved differently, were very formal by comparison to my parents and I found it very hard to warm to them, particularly my MIL.

Roll on thirty years....we became so close. She used to call me her third daughter....I loved her to bits and when she died I really missed her.

My kids didn't have a close relationship with any grandparents due to distance. I regret that. I had a nan that I used to go to every weekend and she was just another parent layer for me.

It sounds a bit different for you because your husband isn't that close to his mum. Maybe she isn't very maternal. With regard to the stepson you have, why don't you let your husband take the lead on that? let him organise with his ex contact and days out with his mother? no reason why you should be given the job of ambassador! Also don't worry about the odd comment about your mum being too close.... my mother in law used to give me endless advice, 'don't breastfeed for longer than 3 months' 'don't go to a child when they cry at night' 'don't have your child in your bed at night'. All comments were filed in the bin and I did exactly what I bl**dy well wanted to do bringing up my own kids.

I wouldn't stress it too much. See how the kids feel about a day with their granny. Bottom line, if they don't want to go, then its an abstract conversation, because you don't really make a child spend a day with someone they don't want to spend a day with. Good luck!

I have a close and very happy relationship with my DiL and I would never 'just pop in' on her and would not expect her to do that with me. We are both very busy people and someone just turning up on the doorstep could be very inconvenient.

If your MiL prefers to have an invite then just issue one at regular intervals, you cannot expect her to do things just as your family does. 2 different families, adapt to their separate ways and do not make an issue of it.

As for the 'sly digs' ignore them, just continue as if the remark hadn't been made. She will eventually stop doing it because she gets no response.

I am sorry but in this case I think you are in a perfectly normal relationship with both families. DiL, and I was one for 25 years just need to go with the flow.

You keep saying that you have given her an open invitation but that is not an invitation and I still don't see why a slightly more formal invitation is such a problem. I tend to assume that if people say 'pop in sometime', they want to be polite but don't really want a visit.
It may seem like a bit of a quirk but, however difficult she may be in other ways, that is not being deliberately difficult, it is just the way she was probably brought up.