Grandparent Advice Greatly Appreciated!

Conflicts involving MILs is very common, and a poor relationship causes so many strains in a marriage. When my daughters got married my wife told them very firmly to make MIL their friend, they all did that and are probably closer to them than mum.

Mothers and MILs should be sensitive to each other as well as the married couple, try to be available when asked to help and don’t be offended if you are not. It’s about being helpful not satisfying your own needs, some may welcome MIL every week, some every couple of months, be sensitive and go with the flow.

MIL only lives 10 mins away but has only seen the kiddies about 8 times in 12 months, does not know their likes and dislikes and treats them differently. ...
Of course you'd love MIL to have a great relationship with the children but it sounds to me that she's not very interested in them.
Be careful with what you say, if indeed you do decide to say something. She might take offence and then the rift could be wider..

Thank you so much for everyone's thoughts and input so far, it is really helping me trying to see things from multiple perspectives.
I am new to this type of forum but trying my best to answer everyones comments and questions as I do appreciate it.
My MIL and husband don't have a close relationship, they are all about the younger sibling who I guess is the 'golden child'.
We have popped in to see them but it was in most instances us having to initiate it.
I do not agree with many of my MIL's opinions which I would go as far to say that I find them rude at times, BUT although she is very opinionated I genuinely just let them wash over my head.
I at times have been in situations with her when whatever I have said has basically just been disregarded to suit her.....and I have not made a fuss to avoid conflict. As an example, when my daughter was still quite young I asked her if she would mind watching her for a few hours at our home, I asked nicely and mentioned that if she could just stay home, spend time with her and look after her that would be a massive help (I had several appointments I needed to attend). When she arrived I gave her a quick run down just with basics such as last bottle, next bottle, nappy change etc and she commented with 'I am sure i am capable of looking after a child'. I had also specifically mentioned that I would rather they stayed home as weather was wet and windy and was met with a 'I can't just sit in and do nothing so we are going to go out' Out was on foot in a pram in the rain to basically parade my daughter to people she knew locally.
This is just one example but there have been lots more. So yes, there is certainly some dislike but hand on heart I am genuine when I say that I wouldn't stop her or make it extremely difficult for her to see her grandchildren. I am still polite to her, still will put the kettle on for her and be mindful of my words despite her being quite rude at times.
The children don't really ask about her and don't show much interest at all.
She treats them different which is noticeable and to the point my stepson actually sticks up for his younger Sister....he is quick to point out she is also very special!
We have been out together in the past but again there is little interest.
She only seems to show an interest if it involves her taking them by herself for a day trip (and she has inadvertently mentioned meeting with her friend...so it feels purely for show).
This may sound odd but of she just actually showed interest, popped in, played with them in their home environment and actually got to know them, I then would genuinely consider letting her have a day trip.
She does not ring, text, or even know what they like/dislike.
All I am wanting is her to spend time building a relationship with them before day trips out are discussed. I do have concerns about how she dismisses my thoughts at times and am certainly not ecstatic about having to discuss this with her but I can only try I guess.

I agree with Gonegirl that it depends on whether the children actually want to go with her.
I don’t live geographically close to my DGC - 3 of them live in the USA. So we see them twice a year at the most.
But my DiL has never suggested that we haven’t ‘bonded’ enough to take them out for the day! We have always taken them out by ourselves from an early age, doing age-appropriate things. We’ve been left in charge for up to 3 nights while DiL and DS have a break.
It sounds to me as though you simply don’t trust your MiL and perhaps even dislike her.
You should face up to that, rather than pretending to yourself and to her that if only she would come to your house more often, everything would be ok.

You're the gatekeeper of your family. And she doesn't get to have an opinion or influence about a family that she'll always be a guest in. As a patent you only do what you think is best for your children and not ehat would make grandma happy. Tell her you'd like her to spend time with the children before she gets to take them out. If she refuses then oh well I guess she wont be taking them out anywhere. I'm always skeptical over grandparents that don't have a great relationship with their own adult children, yet expect this special bond with their grandchildren. It's always a red flag, and she doesn't get to dic her mistakes through your children either. What underlying unfixed issues does she have with your husband? Evaluate those issues to see of shes even fit to be left alone with your children unsupervised.

You might consider using the DESC framework to address the issue. This is something I learned when I was teaching a course and I find it very helpful:

Describe the issue
Express your concern
Specify the behaviour you want to see
Indicate the Consequences of the behaviour you want to see

For example, "MIL, I notice that every time we get together you ask about taking the children out, but you haven't seen them very frequently. I'm concerned that the children may not enjoy the day out as they don't spend enough time with you. I'd like to see you more frequently, and I'd like you to let us know when you'd like to come over. That way, you can spend more time with the children, and I'll feel more comfortable letting them spend the day with you."

You ladies are amazing.
I understand what you are saying about the popping in part. I understand that she may feel uncomfortable just calling in so I actually said to her (in a nice way), feel free to call in when you want, you can ring and find out if we are home, send a text or just land the surprise visit, if we are off out or it's hectic I would let you know. She has to drive past our place on a regular basis! That was giving her the big green tick for her to call or text just to check it was ok for her peace of mind....but still nothing....I thought most grandparents would appreciate that.

Well she's making an effort. I guess that there is more that had been unsaid. I would as her over from time to time, cup of tea and cake so that it becomes no big deal. Why don't you go out with the children together? Hopefully you could then relax a bit should she have them. Do you ever pop in to her I wonder?

Thank you so far for the quick replies.
I am sorry that I am not quoting or replying to individual posters but new to all of this.
Maybe 'at my wits end' wasn't the right expression but in my head I feel like I am going to explode which I don't want to do.
She always corners me and is quite manipulative in her wording to try and put me on the spot.
Maybe I am 'dancing around' instead of being blunt with her but I am genuinely trying to not upset her or cause a family rift. I guess it is also because although supportive my husband is not exactly vocal and I feel like it comes down to me.
All I want to say is 'you don't seem to show any interest in the kids apart from wanting to take off with them for the day, you hardly see them so make an effort to see them then we can go from there'. But I don't know how to say it without causing a dummy spit or hurt feelings.
She also treats them different and kind of makes it feel like it is not my place to tell her what she can/can't do with her Grandson as I am the stepmum....she is the blood relative if that makes sense.
Lastly she knows how close I am with my own mum and knows my own mum has had a huge part in my daughters life to date......my daughter has had sleepovers etc with my mum, day trips, babysat, the full works....but my mum has put in the effort and formed a solid bond with both children....she knows them inside out.
Thank you again....all your comments are appreciated.

Hi Pudsy

You sound like a wonderful mum and DIL - and as a MIL to a DIL I too, accept and expect her to be closer to her mum, it's absolutely normal.

I really wouldn't feel comfortable just popping in, I always call first to check that they are there and that it's convenenient, and that way the DGCs know I am coming and get excited - it's wonderful.

I don't think you're being overprotective at all, HOWEVER, there are 3 sets of grandparents, and we are the only ones that are very hands on, babysitting, seeing the children regularly, and yet they happily go off with the other grandparents for days out, even though they don't know them as well

Perhaps let the children guide you - sound them out - and make a concerted effort to invite MIL over to spend quality time with the kids at home.

DIL and MIL relationships can be fraught, and misunderstandings often occur, so keep trying and bite your tongue when necessary

Good Luck

My dd and my Dil bring the children to our house. I'm the main babysitting service for both families and they think it works this way.
I think the world of my Dil and she is close to all my family,but she has a lovely mum and I'm so delighted she is close to her as is normal. Try popping into see your in-laws a few times it might encourage them to come see you unanounced.

Or I suppose you could make an exception and invite them to yours.
As mothers and grandmothers there's a lot we can do to calm waters and keep our children and grandchildren surrounded with love..
Hope it all works out.

I am a MIL I have 2 lovely d.i.ls. but I would never dream of just popping in.... you are extremely accommodating to accept casual visits. All our family live just about 10 mins drive from one another. I have a daughter living nearby as well....even with her, I always ring to check if its ok as young families have so many things planned and neither do I want to make a trip unnecessarily.
My d'i'ls are very close to their mothers. I would go so far as to say much closer than my daughter and I. But I do not resent it...that's how it should be.
You seem to be an excellent mother, stepmother, and d.i.l.
Good luck and all the best.

I can't see anything in your situation that you would be "at your wits end" about.

Do the children want to go out for the day with her? If they do, then I would say let them. I think you would have to make sure it is alright with both the parents first though.

As for the visiting thing, if she doesn't want to call in uninvited, then just invite her.

Firstly, as MiL to a DiL, I expect her to be closer to her mother than to me. It's natural. I'm close to my DS because he needed support when his first marriage ended and, from that time, I had more to do with my DGD who they now have living with them some of the time.

Despite spending quite a lot of time with DGD in her home, I didn't have her to stay until she was 7 and big enough to cope. So I agree that your MiL needs to get to know the children well enough for them to feel comfortable with her, and for her to understand their personalities, before she takes them out. It might then be a good idea to make only short trips at first.