How to handle MIL and my baby... advice from other Gran's needed

Id ask her bluntly if SHE would like to support your family financially instead of you going back to work then? If she says no she cant afford it- say ,"no neither can we thats why im returning to work"! & leave it at that- as for christmas,just repeat the invite,state its present opening only,NOT lunch.if she comes round all good,if not the baby wont notice one or two less gifts.As for the rest,as others have said,stand your ground,your baby,your rules! I wont say get your hubby to 'deal with her' as he probably wont.

Ps, before anyone says, my husband did get involved and try to talk to her, but she just thought he was spouting what I’d told him to. She just ignored him.

I think that NC should be a very last resort. It strikes me that it's all too easy (lazy?) just to give up. Children lose the chance of getting to know their grandparents, which is an awful shame.

Yehbutnobut how right you are sit down and talk quietly and openly. What is it with DILs that they all think the MIL is in the wrong. As ever we are hearing 1 side of the story. I have 2 DOLs as different as chalk to cheese in their approach to me yet I am the same person. MIL is a person who will love this baby and who may seem to have views but so do you as a mum and although I say Mum is right to say what she wants for her baby she also needs to understand her MI L feelings as well as no doubt she does her own mother who she will make all sorts of allowances for. Empathy and understanding ( often misinterpreted) is the key here for all mums with MILs - Nb my view of course!

Yes you could always invite her with gifts on xmas eve or boxing day instead,make a bit of a 'high tea' for you all,while she plays with the baby, so shes had some time with him first,then you could pop him to bed while she& her son have a 'catch up'- job done.

Your never going to win . Just bring your son up the way you want to . I had this with my mother in law and even thou the kids are grown up , she is still a problem . She told me cuddling my children would spoil them , tried to take there dummy and bottle away from them . You find as your child gets older what ever they do will never be as good , as the other grandchildren . Although my children grew up well adjusted and never been any bother , unlike her other grandchildren . My children now tolerate her but there is no love loss , which is a shame . My advice to you is bring your child up as you like and live your life the same . Include her in family occasions s but on your terms , if she doesn't want attend her loss . Don't take her comments personally as that will cause rifts with your partner . My mother in law done so many evil things over the years and really upset me , that we even moved abroad to be away from her . She is now 75 in I'll health but still manages to cause rifts in the family . Your family is what is in your house , enjoy life , love that little boy to bits and spoil him rotten . Good luck .

Maybe while they chat HE could mention the going to work subject and just say its because you have to,so all subjects covered then.Good luck

Yes as some have said,if shes only 'allowed an hour' thats not much is it,when shes come all that way?it is a bit like saying "we'l take your gifts,but youre not wanted"- a bit like a slap in the face,as someone else said- thats why the suggestion of another day,so you can have tea together,make it a proper visit,play with& hug the baby,spend time with her son too- it makes her a bit more welcome maybe? It might even thaw her a bit?

I think you are doing everything right Lesim91 you have a very young baby and you want to spend the first Christmas just the 3 of you, that’s the choice you and your husband have made, she’s asked to visit at times that aren’t free for you, so you have done the right thing and suggested other alternative times and she sulks, childish or what on her part! Then voices her disgust that your son will be going to nursery behind your back, charming! Comments on your feeding and your baby going down for naps, sounds to me as if she wants to take control, I presume you have told your husband this.?I think he should have a word with her and things hopefully calm down a bit, i am a Nannie of 3 but always respect the wishes of the parents, hope you get it sorted soon and your MlL listens to her son us nannies do come in very handy as the grandchildren grow and are able to help and get involved

Very wise words from `Moving on 2018

I agree with yehbutnobut ? We assume that the other person knows what you feel and are just being damn awkward. She is probably trying to understand where she fits in. I can empathise, my MIL now deceased, was needy and sometimes underhand, I would get very upset. Now I reflect I can understand completely her situation and her feelings. Although we were kind and inclusive. I’m sorry I didn’t try even harder to help her feel a part of everything. She was a wonderful gran, my children loved her dearly. Open up and try a little harder to include her. ?

It doesn't sound as if your MIL deals with disappointment very well. She will have been very excited about this baby whilst waiting for it and has pictured her Grandmotherhood as being very different to the way you want it. In that respect, I do feel that you can be kind about the way you handle her. I would acknowledge how disappointed she might be but point out that you are also trying to do what works for your family. I would have a straight conversation about her advice but point out that the best advice is where the offerer recognises that you are at liberty to take it or leave it. If you can find a way to thank her and act on advice on stuff which really doesn't impact on you and baby much, whilst being assertive on stuff about sleep, feeding, etc., you might find that she is more manageable. I would also point out that you are probably more sensitive to some of this than you need to be simply because you are more than likely tired, overwhelmed with the newness of it all coupled with the changes your body has been through and the hormones surging through you.
Many people, Grans and Mother's alike, find the path through family relationships after the birth of a baby, extremely difficult. Recently my sister, who has many faults but is usually well meaning, overstepped the boundaries with her new grandchild. Whilst her son was complaining bitterly and wishing she was more like me, I pointed out that with my own daughter I had experienced a similar scenario and it was a hard lesson to learn. Fortunately my son got wind of the likely fallout and was able to alert me. I was very surprised, more than a little hurt because I thought my daughter would know I always had her back and was helping her but extremely grateful that I could mend fences before it went horribly wrong.
Of course, at the end of the day, it is your child, your and your husband's rules and it may be that, if you can get through this difficult time, you let your MIL interact with your child with your husband and you have some free time.
Good luck.

I completely agree with you, it's your first Christmas as a family, spend it as you wish. If you don't think it is a good idea for baby to be passed all over [ cos people will want to hold him ] have a nice quiet Chistmas day at home nd visit some people maybe on Boxing Day.
Although I would like to add ,and please do not take offence, but I cannot understand people having babies when they know they will need to go back to work after they are born. If a woman NEEDS to go back to work then WHY have a baby, you finances are going to be even worse now you have the extra expense of the said baby. I just don't get it.

Have I got this right?

Your MiL is working over the Christmas period - either by choice or because she could not get the leave days. On what might be one of the few days off over Christmas, sHe is hosting a large family gathering at her house. Her son & DiL have suggested that she ‘pop’ over on Christmas Day for an hour too see Baby open presents – so with travel time thrown in, that’s a three hour trip on a day which will be hectic from first light to pull together the ‘effortless’ Christmas for the family.

Yeah, right…what an empty gesture to someone who clearly cannot accept the invitation.

I also think that your son should be dealing with his mother !
She needs to be told that altho you value her advice and want her to be an active part in the babies life, etc but she must respect your wishes and your boundaries. She is causing you issues when this should be one of the best times of your life. I agree with not being too rigid, give and take, however there needs to be a fine line drawn so that she is not able to control or manipulate this situation. Good luck ....

‘It doesn't sound as if your MIL deals with disappointment very well. She will have been very excited about this baby whilst waiting for it and has pictured her Grandmotherhood as being very different to the way you want it.’

Wise words.

MiL is working...full time, part time, zero hours ? Does she work by choice or financial necessity? How much notice & choice does she have about when she works? Does she have other family commitments? How is her general health ?Maybe she has very little notice & opportunity to make the two hour round trip to see you, her son & GC?

When you offer alternative dates, maybe she is busy...& she may well feel disappointed with the situation she is in.

‘She has also started to voice her disgust that my son will be attending nursery full time when I go back to work- he'll be 8 months old.’ Disgust ? Really ?

She's been telling other family members that she thinks this is wrong ‘

Firstly, do not pay heed to gossip. Why is this being relayed to you ? To what purpose are you discussing this with other people ? Wise up, what is the dynamic within the family that brings these conversations up? Don’t borrow other people’s dramas.

‘...but hasn't actually told me what she thinks to my face.’ So you really know what she thinks? What her feelings are? Her perspective & observations about working mothers ? What she may have learned over the years ? Maybe she has strong views & is keeping them to herself as she knows that you don’t have much choice ? ‘
I'm returning to work because I have to, not because I want to.’ Could be this was her experience ? Could her colleagues are in the same position & she is well aware of your situation?

Why do I ask so much about your MiL? Because the post is about you & not much really about her other than faults.

We used to have this with my MIL when my dtr was a baby. She would take her off me whilst I was bathing her or dressing her thinking I wasn't doing it right and take over. I went back to work when she was 12 weeks old through necessity and she minded her until she was 6 months old and could go to nursery. In the end one day I just picked her during a visit and told hubby we were going home. Stay firm and don't let her walk all over you otherwise this will continue all the time. You are baby's Mum (congratulations by the way), so any decision is yours and your other half, if she can't respect that or fit in with your schedule then she needs to adapt or stay out of it.

I concur with other posters that your DH needs to step up & talk things through with his mother, delve into what’s going on between you.

This is a special time between them, bear in mind her baby now has a baby - imagine the memories, reminiscences & feelings about that - & he is now a father.

His mother has to be guided - rather than told - about his family & how things are going to be.

My mil must have been unique. When each baby was born, she came and stayed and took over all the housework without any hint of criticism...my husband said it was worth having a baby, to get the house so tidy! This sometimes went too far...whenever I asked her for advice...is this room too hot?....should I feed her yet?....she would say she didn't know what was the modern approach.

My mother was a different kettle of fish!

I can really understand you wanting to spend this first Christmas with your new baby and your MIL should understand this there are plenty of days prior to and after for her to see the baby and the baby will not know if it is shrove Tuesday or NYs day.
Just a thought what is your mum doing over the holidays is she demanding visiting rights or happy with the arrangements.
Your MIL working over Christmas is surely her choice as she has had plenty of time in the months previous to make arrangements to be off for the festivities I know I would have but then my family make their own arrangements and I never interfere with their choices.

Your MiL sulks?
That's a very childish thing to do.
Ignore sulks, in the hope of training MiL to act like an adult.

MiL wants to see the baby on Xmas day, so you offered the short visit to yours hoping it would be a compromise.
As others said, a longer visit on another day would be better for everyone.

If MiL wants to visit at a time that doesn't suit you, ask her for other dates/times that she could come so you can choose from those rather than giving her a list of your available dates.
The outcome should be the same but it would feel more welcoming to her.

To be honest, I think Christmas is the least of your problems.

Even if you take that out of the situation you have a grown woman who sulks when she doesn't get her own way, bad mouths you to other family members and prevents your son from sleeping because she thinks she knows better than you.

Preventing a 13 week old baby from sleeping is spiteful and it's not what's best for the child.

It will only get worse if you/your husband doesn't pull her up on it.
No excuse for this kind of behaviour!

Ellie666 if everyone who needed to work decided to remain childless, we'd be having to beg on our knees for 10 times as many people from overseas to come and work here in 20 years time!! This is unrealistic.

In the interests of diplomacy & goodwill, might your DH go to MiL’s to pick her up for a special Boxing Day meal. Ply her with good food, fine wine & plenty of baby cuddle time. Maybe have her stay for baby’s bath time & tucking in as routine, one last lots of mince pies & sherry & she is driven home. Gives her a day off from domestic duties & is treated as special guest Grandmother. Loads of lovely memories & photos, especially GM baby selfies.

Your MiL is not going away so you & DH will be better served by having her closer on your terms than grumbling at arms’ length. Think tents pissing out ...

Lesim91
I would stop trying to please her because she is not listening to you. Congratulations on your baby. Remember, you know him more than anyone can ever know him - even his father, and when you say he needs to rest and not be over-stimulated, you know that is right. No matter what their relationship or experience, other people need to back off and do as you say. This MIL is being selfish. Of course you want to be together for this Christmas. Naturally it will be far better for a small baby to be at home. Ignore whatever she says to others. If they listen to her they are not worth bothering about, but most likely they know her already and actually feel sorry for you.
Be confident in yourself. You know you are doing what is best for your baby. Do not let anyone interfere. Do not let her upset you, be firm and stick to your plans and don't keep trying to find ways to appease her. She will only make more problems and it will go on and on. Live your family life on your terms. Your husband should support you in this. He may have been used to being dominated by his mother and not realised she is unreasonable and selfish so you might need to be tactful and gentle in pointing out to him how she puts her wishes before what is best for her grandson.

Good Luck! Stay firm in your resolve. Make your plans, state your plans and stick to them. Do not be drawn into a conversation/argument about them. Just repeat them if she starts!