How to handle MIL and my baby... advice from other Gran's needed

Lesim91. Sorry forgot to say - regarding returning to work when your son is 8months;
It is nobody else's business but yours and your husband's how you organise your family, work and child care. It is perfectly normal for a mum to return to work and 8 months is a reasonable age for a child to be in Nursery care while mum is at work. He will not suffer, indeed it will enhance your family life and be good for him too. This MIL is a trouble-maker who is probably jealous of you for marrying her son and having his child. She would probably criticise anything you did and going back to work is so easy to say nasty things about, especially by older women who had better financial circumstances and could stay at home and live on their husband's income.
But more women have careers today, whatever the family budget. A woman who has spent years training to become a professional is not going to want to throw those years away and she will benefit so many people by staying in her profession. Children are adaptable and professional child-careers do a very good job. Working mothers see their children a lot and know them just as well. There is no need to feel guilty and no need to justify why you are a working mum. There is absolutely no need to have to explain it to this horrible woman. She is out to make you unhappy. Don't let her. At most if she keeps talking negatively about your going back to work just say "You obviously are out of date and do not know or understand the benefits to the child of having a professional mother." If she says any more just repeat that. And repeat it again. Don't say anything else and certainly don't start explaining your personal situation and why you are going to return to work because she will just start to tear apart your life and gossip about you.

Good luck! When the time comes you probably will feel a big pull in your heart as you leave little one at nursery the first time, but that is natural. After a week both of you will be in the routine and both will be enjoying the advantages of having variety in your day. Lots of love, Elle x ??

Yes Tillybelle, more or less what I said. So many of the posts just seem to be about making allowances for the grandparents. Absolutely not! The CHILDREN come first, always, and you do whatever you have to, to make sure they are safe and happy, and not surrounded by people griping at each other. Your 13 week old baby is so vulnerable and needs you for everything. Follow your instincts always, they’ll always be right

Your MIL is surely a proud granny. Until you are a granny you don’t understand the strange yearning ‘pull’ that happens towards a grandchild.

Cut her some slack as she might be your best advocate some day. Quit thinking of her as the enemy; that takes a lot of energy and try to work with her. Your baby needs the relationship of extended family.

Would it be possible to do a 15 min video link to show the Christmas Day party goers the baby? That way granny can show others why she is so proud?

jefm
You appear not. to have noticed how this website works!
You say;
"As ever we are hearing 1 side of the story."
Does it need to be explained that this is a forum where a person - one person - writes in and starts a discussion, or asks advice, about a subject or an issue or a problem they have. One person. it isn't possible for the "other person" to write in with their side.

Therefore all we can possibly do is to take our fellow GNetter's words to heart and try and relate to them and write back with our thoughts or advice or sympathies or experiences etc.

It's ridiculous to say "We are only getting one side". Obviously we are! But it does not invalidate that person's experience!

BusterTank
Oh you poor lass! I am so sorry to hear that you had to suffer this! People can be so cruel as I know because I had a Grandma who hated my Dad and therefore hated me for resembling him. She was like your MIL and I know how they spoil things and are cruel. i am now 70 and cannot forgive people in my generation who are cruel to or have not and are not supporting their children and the younger generation in raising their children. It's a difficult world without having a nasty old woman being cruel to you! You have done the right thing in my humble op. I hope you are happy now and your children are all growing up to be strong and happy too!

Ellie666
Oh Ellie! I know you said it was just your opinion, but please, can't you understand that working mothers make very good parents and children going to nursery or professional child carers do not suffer at all! One of my three daughters works and her sons went to the Child Carer before they were one, another of my daughters did not work and her children went to nursery from 2. Neither family's children have grown up to demonstrate any difference in their development or the way they behave or how happy they appear. My daughter who works has a vocation, a career that she worked very hard to gain and which she loves and she helps many people. The other daughter is a devoted mum and home-maker and has a large family and she does a lot of voluntary work in her community. My eldest worked part-time as she had a career too, when her son started school at 5. Her husband has a demanding job and is often away from home so she only works very short hours. I am immensely proud of them all.

I would not have wanted to leave my children with another person when they were little but I had a career then in Teaching and adored children so it makes sense that I wanted to be with my own. As it happened I did find job where I could both use my professional skills and look after my children but I was lucky to do that.
I imagine you are like me and would be broken hearted to leave your child even with a really good Carer! But I promise you, children are not damaged by this at all. They still see their mum a lot and the relationship has no reason to be damaged. They love the variety, meeting other children, the different (and often bigger!) toys. It also means that their mum can follow her vocation. It is important that women may be able to do this.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kathy1959. Thanks Kathy, I meant to say I noticed your wisdom and understanding.
I do think it is important to support young mums. It's all very well to form a united Granny front and feel like telling the younger gen. what it's like to be a Granny, but I think people forget what it is like for a mum of a young baby! There's a tendency of the 'think of the Grandma' lobby to show no respect for the fact that the baby's mother knows what is best for her child and that the baby's needs come before the mil's! Indeed, the needs of the baby come 1st, then those of the baby's mother, then those of the new family unit of baby, mother and father and 4th are the needs of grandparents. I was horrified to read:
''if I try and put him down for a nap she'll be really loud and keep coming into the room''
What an insensitive, self-centred, nasty person she is!
This Granny/MIL is a selfish, uncaring woman who does not know her place in her son and DIL's home or even care about the needs of her GS. The poor young mum needs to keep her at a distance, a very big distance. She might do well to let her MIL read what BusterTank had to do to survive such a person!!

Jillybird. I agree but not sure about suggesting this MIL for child-care. Realise you said it tongue in cheek, but the woman terrifies me so much I'd not risk it even so! I wouldn't let her look after even a cactus.

Ohmother
Oh please!
"Your MIL is surely a proud granny." What? A proud granny that won't let a three month old baby sleep when he's tired but makes loud noises to wake him? A proud granny who says nasty things behind the mother's back? A woman who won't take any notice of what people say but wants her own way or she sulks? A woman who demands a family drop their plans to fit in with her wishes at short notice? Who criticises her DIL's feeding of her son?
This is a selfish, manipulative and uncaring woman who only thinks of herself. Her DIL would be better off never seeing her.

You sound a sensible young mother and a considerate person, and between you, me and the gatepost, your mother-in-law is behaving like all the bad joke mothers-in-law anyone has ever heard of.

Firstly, IMO you are quite right wanting to stay at home at Christmas with so young a baby, and honestly if MIL isn't content with being invited on Christmas morning to open presents she can lump it.

Sit down with your husband and tell him precisely what you have told us here, calmly and nicely. After all she is his mother and you don't want him flying to be defensive because he feels you are getting worked up about nothing.

It might help if he talked to her, and even if you have to, it ought to help that you can tell her that you and your husband are in agreement.

If she turns up just as you have put the little one down for a nap, close the door to his room firmly and insist she is quiet until he has fallen asleep. If she gets hoity-toity about it, ask her to leave and come back later when he is up again.

Going back to work when your son is eight months old should be fine. Ignore anything you are told she is saying behind your back. Ask the people who are telling you these things, not to - you have your hands full coping with MIL without them trying to make things worse.

Have you a FIL who I trust is more reasonable and could perhaps talk to his wife if asked to by your husband?

Some of these MiLs are making me shudder. I am glad mine wasn't an ogre. Does she have a husband? Is there a Grandpa?
Your DH can help you navigate the early stages with his DM, surely.

I think you need to be assertive. Try not to take offence. I'm sure she means well.

Now I'm worried that my DiLs are frightened of me!
I don't think so, but there have been times when I weighed in with my advice. Only if asked for of course. In our case it's the DD not the DiLs who can wrong foot us and I once asked her if she spoke to her MiL the way she does to me. "Of course not!" came the reply. Should I have been flattered? She's assertive all right.

As a new DG your MiL is still learning and you both have to learn on the job.
Good luck to you and I hope you all have a happy Christmas.

You are a new mother and Mil is a new Grandma, give it time, I feel things will settle. Do try not to fall out with her, if you offer a time it would suit you for her to visit and she sulks just let her get on with it. As for Christmas Day, if you and your OH want to stay at home just do it but try to fit in a time to open presents. Does she pick up your baby without asking if she may hold him, if so, that is definitely out of order.

Open presents with a 4 month old? Does the woman not have any sense. Your DC will have no idea at all. MiL sounds a nightmare. Your DH needs to have a frank talk with her about how she behaves with the baby.

So many of the posts just seem to be about making allowances for the grandparents. Absolutely not! The CHILDREN come first, always, and you do whatever you have to, to make sure they are safe and happy, and not surrounded by people griping at each other. Your 13 week old baby is so vulnerable and needs you for everything. Follow your instincts always, they’ll always be right

I agree about follow your instincts

But one can do that whilst still having empathy for another's perspective which is what I think other posters are suggesting
There is no harm in trying to see things from another's perspective in order to see a way through a problem, and hopefully reach a compromise that works for everyone

I think a lot of MILs behaviour as described by the OP is decidedly unhelpful...but equally, other perspectives on that behaviour bring a different angle and assist a level of understanding ...which might help the OP to find a comfortable solution .

Enjoy your first family Christmas together, there will be future Christmas you'll be asking for family help to share chores. If MIL is already hosting a big get together you can't expect her to leave the preparations to visit you on that day. It's her Christmas too.
Try and visit them before or after the holiday, when she isn't working & there aren't lots of relatives around who want to meet & cuddle baby.

rockandroll She has your son and your grandchild??!! They don’t belong to her for goodness sake.
I would say to OP, stand firm. Calm positive, assertive energy and repeat to her what you want to do. Also partner definitely needs to do the same. Good luck!

Mad gran,
* there is no harm in trying to see something from another’s perspective *
How long do you wait? We tried for 25 years, and finally gave up when our older sons noticed so much animosity. It will not go unnoticed by the children, and it’s not fair on them. It sounds to me that the OP has been more than reasonable for far to long.

So what does your husband/partner have to say about this? She is, after all, his mother. As to your baby not being able to cope with a large family gathering, how will he be with a large number of children and staff at a nursery school?

She is feeling nobody needs wants or listens to her any more; give her a little task ...ask her opinion and consider it seriously
Give in on nonsense that does not matter
Make her feel needed but stick to what you think is right for your child

Maybe remind her (with humour if poss) that your husband is allowed to go out to work, so why not you? This is 2019, after all! Otherwise, I'd just try to be as nice as possible and invite her round now and then. Babies are stressful little things and really, as others have said, your husband needs to deal with his mother and back you up 100%.

Aepgirl, we’re talking about a 3 month old baby, not a 5year old. Give him chance!!

Yes Kathy1959, it is very early days, far too early to say the OP has been more than reasonable for far too long.

As you say, we're talking about a 3 month old baby. Emotions, both negative and positive, will be running high on both sides. It's a new and exciting situation all round. Things will probably settle down and all parties will learn what is and isn't acceptable behaviour.

OP,
You admit your relationship with mil was frosty before baby - how many years are we talking about?

Sit with your dh and agree on rules for MIL to follow and what happens when she acts like a child and boundary stomp.

Dh talks to MIL and explains that in order to have a loving extended family relationship, there need to be fences that need to be respected on both sides. You and dh's are the following..... insert your rules here

If she throws a fit, take a time out till after Christmas.

Take back control of your life.
Your child is your child first, her gc second.
She gets what she gets - very generous offer btw, sharing your Christmas morning with her- or she gets nothing. Let her sulk as much as she wants, she created this situation with her entitlement.

Hello Delila, yes, but if you read the OP’s thread, she starts by saying, “ I’ve always had a frosty relationship with my MIL “, which suggests some time before the baby was born. We had 10 years of my MIL before any children came along. Of course I could have misinterpreted this, and it may just be a few weeks/ months. I could understand the many threads wanting to make allowances, if say she had been fine up until the birth, and then become difficult. But by all accounts, that doesn’t seem to be the case. Correct me if I’m wrong OP.

Yes Kathy, I did read that and understand your point. As you say, we don't know how long there have been tensions between the OP and her MIL, but it's nevertheless possible that, given patience and goodwill on both sides, the baby may be just what is needed to melt that frost. I'm glad I wasn't judged too harshly for my own early mistakes as a new grandmother.