Gransnet forums


Darling GS

(57 Posts)
GagaJo Tue 19-Nov-19 22:02:31

My daughter and grandson live with me, by force of circumstances. The benefit of this, for me, is that I get to see my GS everyday. The downside of it is that my daughter and I don't get on

There was a BIG argument between she and I at the weekend and she tried to leave (no where to go though). I am pretty sure that at the first opportunity, she will be off and will deny me access to my GS.

I adore the boy and I've been his other parent (she's a single mum). I'm sensible enough to know that if she does that I'll have no rights at all and may well not see him again.

After the argument, I apologised although I wasn't the only one to blame. Gransnet has shown me that it isn't worth insisting on being right. Having access to my GS is far more valuable.

I can't help worrying though. It's exactly the sort of thing she'd do and I dread it.

jaylucy Wed 20-Nov-19 11:38:50

I would hazard a guess that as well as PMT, your daughter may also be suffering from depression.
It is hard when you feel as if you have been cornered into a life you never planned for yourself. As much as she loves her son, she may feel that her whole life revolves around him and there is little left for her. I know from experience.
It isn't your fault that she is like she is. Blaming someone else is so easy to do when you can't see any way out or any way that your life can change.
The hours that you are working I would guess means that she is on her own for most of that time - you don't say that she has a job herself, or how old your GS is but when you return from overseas, it might be an idea to sit down with her and work out a sort of shift system around your GS so possibly your daughter can work while you are at home with him? It might boost her self esteem and help things all round.
Oh, and make sure that if she does have a lodger while you are away that they sign an agreement or you may well find you are stuck with an unwelcome "guest" that you can't get rid of !

Jishere Wed 20-Nov-19 11:44:37

I guess you don't go into too much detail why you don't get on.
But as you are bailing her out, surely she should be a little bit grateful? I mean it sounds like its rent free, Bill free.
That's your home and you can't chill in the living room. Sorry none of this makes sense. You are tip toeing arround your daughter, working hard and scared that in the future you won't see your GS although you are working abroad next year and won't see him anyway.
Surely at this rate you might as well give her the house.
You know what you should have let her go after the row,there is temporary accommodation but I'm sure she would have come back home grovelling.
Stop using GS as an excuse, GPS do have rights. Sit down and have a serious chat with your daughter and gain a bit of control back, discuss rules because what makes you think she'll be leaving any time soon!!

Worthingpatchworker Wed 20-Nov-19 12:04:24

I haven’t read all the comments. I sympathise with your situations. My mother and I don’t get along. Sadly I don’t have any children.
I did, however, have a niece, 16 years younger than me, living with my husband and I.
One of the things I did was to not have any expectations. I didn’t expect her to do any chores so it was a great thing, and praiseworthy, when she did.
There were two major disagreements where I was placed in an awful position between hubby and niece. We managed to work it out and, from her reactions, she resolved a lot of emotional issues whilst with us.
She has, since, moved on and got married but holds us dear to her heart.
All you can really do is show your love and create loving memories. When they leave your house that love and memories will go with them. Keep contact even if it might become a little one sided. I feel sure it will pay off.
I wish you the very best. Xx

Dillyduck Wed 20-Nov-19 12:07:27

It's YOUR house, YOUR rules.
Don't let her hold you to ransom because of your grandson.

SHE is the one who needs to apologise to you. I suggest you help her find somewhere else to live.

Coco51 Wed 20-Nov-19 12:09:12

The fundamental issue of denying you access to your grandson does not only affect you - your daughter should also consider how much emotional damage she is doing to her little boy who will have no understanding of why his beloved gran is not seeing him anymore. It will have huge separation anxieties for you all, but particularly him. Whatever the disagreement was about, your daughter must surely see that it is not worth causing long lasting distress and damage

gustheguidedog Wed 20-Nov-19 12:10:33

Now then @GagaJo, as most of you are aware, I am BLIND and so, therefore, I must use assistive technology in order to use the computer. Whenever we open Gransnet there is the `Privacy Warning` thing. We all have rows with folk especially our family but honestly love you're NOT going to solve it by letting every Tom, Dick or Harry know about it.
You said shes packing her bags etc. but think about it lass, it sounds like an `empty threat` as you say "(nowhere to go though)" Think about it if she did `do one` Where would she find another `Built-in babysitter`, if the little fella is as close to YOU as you obviously are to him HE WILL LET HIS MUM KNOW HOW MUCH HE MISSES HER.
I suggest sit down(arguing is easier that way - less stress) have a brew (declare a cease-fire) remind her that she has got more important things to do than snipe at you and for god's sake keep it between you and her.
I've read through ALL the comments on here, hey there's always gonna be someone who says, "Oh that happened to me" or "I have the same problem" take no notice lass THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM you solve it, what did folk do in the days before t'internet?

LuckyFour Wed 20-Nov-19 12:18:14

I'm just wondering why mums/parents need to have time away from their children. They may want time to themselves but should they need it and therefore expect to have it. I didn't live near my parents when my children were born and were growing up. I didn't feel I had to have time away from them, it never occurred to me. Why does someone have to be there so that parents can have time away from their children, even if they are single parents.
Grandparents should be just grandparents, not pseudo parents.

NotANana Wed 20-Nov-19 12:30:29

This sounds like an awful situation and I do feel for you.
But...your daughter is old enough to take responsibility for herself and her child. If she was old enough to have a baby she is old enough to take some responsibility for raising it and looking after it.
And PMT is grim but it it isn't an excuse for poor behaviour.
This woman (your daughter) and her child (your grandchild) is living free of charge in YOUR home. Your home = your rules.

When I left home (after one too many arguments with my father) he said "You have made your bed, now you can lie on it". So I'm not inclined to much sympathy for grown-up whiny kids. And yes, I am aware of how difficult it is for single parents. But a bit of gratitude and working with you wouldn't come amiss.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but that is what I think.
I hope that things get better for you all.

Hetty58 Wed 20-Nov-19 12:36:25

My daughter and grandson lived with me for years. We did get on, though. When she left, he stayed with me until he was ten!

patricia1958 Wed 20-Nov-19 12:38:42

I have a daughter who's now a single mum and we didn't get on she is under a lot of stress I have been like you perhaps I used to say sorry when it wasn't my fault perhaps if you just said I want you to know I love you very much and I'm always here for you BOTH keep thinking about your grandson and how much he loves you

icanhandthemback Wed 20-Nov-19 13:19:55

PMT is such a horrible one to live with whether you are the one suffering or the one living with the sufferer. If she is anything like me, she will feel fully justified when in the PMT zone even if she is being totally unreasonable and then, when she's out the other side, she beats herself up and feels unloveable because she knows how she's been. The less she loves herself, the more she'll look to see if she really is loved particularly when she's back in the PMT phase and if you look hard enough, you can always find them. I became quite paranoid during those times. Meanwhile the people living with you feel they are living on a knife edge and PMT lasts longer than people realise so you never really get back to normal before its starts rearing its ugly head again. Antidepressants helped me live with it for years until I had a radical hysterectomy.
From what you say, it seems that you are either "involved" with your DGS's care to give your daughter a break or you aren't so she can't cope. Is there a happier balance you can make? Perhaps get it so she asks for when she needs some time off but you take a back seat. When she is in a good phase, ask her how you could make her feel more in control. You might be surprised at the answers you get. Take some time to think about what she is saying with a "I'll have to take some time to process that," if you think she is being unreasonable. You can always return to her with a well thought out compromise. You might have to do this several times to affect any change but the moment you signal that you need time to think and reflect on what she is saying, you are acknowledging that you are listening. Too often we get caught up in arguments because we don't give ourselves time to process what the other person is saying and respond instinctively when you may actually have to reframe your instincts.

BlueBelle Wed 20-Nov-19 13:32:01

It was very different for me as my daughter and I get on very very well but as she and the children had suffered a bereavement I was trying too hard to make it all ok and it’s so easy to go too far and get too involved but I think the break will do you and your daughter an enormous amount of good and hopefully you ll realise you have more in common than you think and miss each other and get back on a more even keel
Maybe when you return you can think of how the living arrangements can be changed to suit you both better

BusterTank Wed 20-Nov-19 13:35:33

If your worried you won't see your grandson if she moves out , just keep the peace for his sake . Just set a few house rules .

Mamma66 Wed 20-Nov-19 13:37:51

I really sympathise with your situation. My adult Stepson and his partner split almost two years ago, it was an extremely acrimonious split and she denied him access to the children for five months (two were his, and one child he had brought up since she was 15 months old). He went to Court and contrary to what Mum thought my Stepson was given contact with all three children. The children’s mother was intending on withholding contact from the eldest child, the Court saw differently. What you have to remember is that whilst grandparents may not have much in the way of rights, decision making will be firmly around what is best for the child, so your concerns about your daughter denying you access to your grandson might be unfounded. If the Court deems that you have a close and positive relationship with your Grandson they may make the decision that relationship is maintained regardless of what your daughter thinks.

Coconut Wed 20-Nov-19 15:20:30

Reading this I know I’ve been so lucky with my daughter. We’ve always been best friends, have done role reversal when I’ve been at a low ebb etc Of course we don’t always see eye to eye, but we’ve always just talked things thro. She left her partner and came back from Marbella with her 6month old son to live with me and we bought him up for 6 years until she met her now husband. I was working full time and shared childcare whenever I could, I was always respectful of DD with decisions etc but was able to speak up if/when I felt I needed to. We used to make a joke of our differences, but I always told DGS that DD was number one Mummy. He is 13 now and has a wonderful stepfather, so I’ve happily slipped down to no:3 carer, but he still puts no:2 Mummy on my birthday cards. I live next door in a granny annexe and we are a team working together etc I so hope that you can chat things thro with your DD so that you can both understand each other’s feelings and forge a lovely bond with DGS best interests at heart, good luck ....

Coyoacan Wed 20-Nov-19 15:25:23

You have my sympathy, OP, as your situation sounds very similar to mine, except that my dd is able to pay her way and I have never felt that it would reach the point where would deny me access to my granddaughter.

PMT is a bitch. As often as not they say and feel things that the rest of the time they don't feel at all and wouldn't dream of saying.

And its complicated still living together now that they are adults with their own responsabilities. The habit of being a mother who tries to solve all their problems for them dies hard as does their habit of expecting you to solve their problems.

My dd and I are finally living apart and she is having difficulties managing her budget because I used to do a lot of the shopping and never asked her for a contribution, but she is getting there.

Hithere Wed 20-Nov-19 17:04:32

What was the argument you had and you apologized even if it wasn't your fault?

What is your dd doing to manage her PMT?
What is she doing to improve her complex set of conditions that do not allow her to have more social allowances?

Has she given examples of your controlling nature and if so, what were those?

You need to tell her you are not a second parent and she is the mother.

I get the feeling of you enabling her so your gc doesn't suffer.
The gc is suffering from this unstable situation anyway

Barmeyoldbat Wed 20-Nov-19 17:42:36

Its very hard for a daughter to live at home with her child and mum. I think Bluebelle has given you some wise advice and so I have no advice to give you. But I would say when I split from my ex the last place on earth I would have gone to is my mum. I just could not have ever lived with her, she would also have stepped in as the other parent and her idea of bringing up children is not the same as mine. So I would say take BB advice to heart. Good luck

crazyH Wed 20-Nov-19 18:23:47

Try and patch things up ASAP - the longer you leave it , the more difficult it gets. Mothers and daughters are notorious for this - I’ve got a difficult daughter and many a ‘strop’ has happened between us but I am always the first to make the first - I never apologise because most of the time I’m right - but I do pop in to see her with my tail between my legs and pretend nothing’s happened. I adore my grandkids (they are teenagers now) and in order to see them , I always had to eat humble pie. Things are different now - they are busy with their own activities and Nan is the last thing on their mind - life eh?

Houndi Wed 20-Nov-19 18:30:43

I am looking after my mother im law because her daughter couldnt care less
Before she was bad she seen her 3 times in a nearly a year.When i asked her to come and stay with her for a week while i go on holiday she refused.Now with my mother in law ill i have had to cancel our cruise.Look after my mother in law 24 7 and she couldn't care less
She a selfish bitch

Bibbity Wed 20-Nov-19 19:46:16

Well Houndi, what was their relationship like before?
Was she a good mother to her before?

I know that none of my MiLs sons would ever travel to her to assist her no matter how ill she was. You reap what you sow.

GagaJo Wed 20-Nov-19 19:58:10

I've apologised because I love my grandson and I'll do almost anything to maintain my relationship with him. I know her modus operandi and know that if she takes a mind to, she'll stop me seeing him once she's moved out on her own.

Which is, as I've said, something she has no option in at the moment. Once she has some free childcare available I suspect she'll get a job and be off. Which is fine (nay, preferable), as long as I get to see him.

Hithere Wed 20-Nov-19 20:03:16


I am not sure how your comment rates to the main OP.

You may want to open your own thread if you want to get more support and avoid hijacking the main subject that the OP posted.

Hithere Wed 20-Nov-19 20:03:50

Relates, no rates

Buffy Wed 20-Nov-19 20:45:42

There's nothing worse than asking someone with PMT if they have PMT. or asking someone on antidepressants if they have been taking their medication! It's red rag to a bull. Hopefully a few months apart will make you appreciate one another more and accept one anothers shortcomings.
As she matures your daughter will realise you have her interests at heart as well as those of your grandson. Don't make her feel you only tolerate her because you dote on her son. She obviously needs lots of love. Good luck.