Heading for breakdown

I understand what you’re going through,mines the other way around.My D and sil divorced 4 years ago and both have married other people,my ex sil wanted more access to the children so he took her to court and got what he wanted,it never worked he would say he couldn’t have the on certain weekends because he was wotking then he would post on fb that he’d been abroad with either his nw or mates.He even forced the children to spend Christmas with him when they didn’t want to.Last year my gs broke down and told his mum and sd everything his dad was doing to him and his sister,it broke my heart,so my d and new sil have gone back to court,my GC are 15 and 10.My ex sil for now can only make contact with the eldest by letter and supperviced visits with the youngest.My ex sil has had no contact with either of them for nearly a year.The courts have taken into account what the eldest child wants but not the youngest as she is under 13.The courts will only listen to an older child regardless of what the youngest child says.

I have no experience of this but linking all you posts together you are raising your GC whilst still raising their sick and surely mother!
Social services involvement will help - its a bit luck of the draw if you get a good social worker or not but they are there to help and they won’t take your boy away. Try to see the trips such as ice skating as a bonus for him as you and dad can’t do that.
As many have asked - where is 2yr olds father?
You need to make it clear to DD that you cannot and will not take on any more absent father babies!

Hopefully your daughter has a good lawyer. It sounds as if asking for a welfare report may be helpful. Most people don't like them because it can feel like being judged but the court will give weight to it and hopefully you will get someone who can assess the situation properly.
Also, someone with ME may not be able to argue strongly at the right time and having an independent person involved might help. Of course, they might not see what your daughter sees but everything can be a risk.

This makes my head spin reading this, All seems a right mess, solicitors letters. Demanding this n that, health issues no wonder you are feeling so down, the ex seems a nightmare, your daughter petrified of him, ex says gs exhibits severe anxiety returning home, yet you see something completely different, your daughter asking your gs if he wants to see his dad more he’s saying no, police advise daughter not to see the father, the father sounds crazy to me, I’d be worried to let my gs spend time with him, he makes up lies manipulative, nah I’d pull the plug on the visits, there’s no way i could condone all this , I’d be worried sick how it was affecting your gs, what a mess

Pulling a plug on the visits meaning I wouldn’t be happy with my gs in the middle of all this mess, that’s going on at the moment, I would have to have things sorted out before it continued a much calmer situation,

I had a problem similar to this!
Get medication involved, social workers etc as they 'should've be on the side of the child. Teachers/schools can also have input if they hear his anxiety at school regarding his father.
Whilst I accept she doesn't handle court etc she is currently relinquishing all control to her ex.
Easier said than done, but needs to take her control back, if she doesn't her message to him is 'do what you want I wont interfere '.
Please know I'm on her side, but she needs to grab back some control. She'll never change him, but she can change the outcome!

Your daughter really needs to attend court to have access days legally arranged. If she avoids it, I can't see and end to this situation.
Mine was settled like that during divorce. It will be far less stressful than what's going on at the moment and all put into writing for both parents.
Once sorted out you may find the ex loses interest anyway. Your grandson doesn't have to be picked up for access at your house if you don't want him to.

I have a similar situation with my ex. Social workers, CAFCASS and the school have all had involvement over the last two years.
I would advise she goes to citizens advice, contacts CAFCASS herself and talk to a social worker. Definitely attend all court proceedings.
Court seems to have gone in favour of fathers rights at the moment. Certainly here they have. I've spent a fortune on solicitors and court fees. At the end of the day he sounds like he's still trying to control your daughter and hurt her, not dealing with the best interest of the child.
In some cases 50/50 access is wrong and is most definitely not in the interest of the child. Just aiding further stress, pain and continued manipulation of mother and therefore child.

Good luck x

If you daughter suffers from ME, would it be true to say that your Grandson is a young carer as well as having his own issues? If so, it may well be that they need a Family Support Worker who is not a Social Worker per se. They can help with the paperwork, attend court sessions, speak on behalf of your daughter or your grandson. My Grandaughter is a young carer and her Support Worker has been fantastic.
If your son is able, he could talk to the CaffCass officer too although that might be difficult for him. Could your daughter seek a solicitor and ask if your son could discuss his wishes with a teacher or trusted adult other than your daughter who can speak to the Court on his behalf?

I’ve just realised that there is a page of replies I missed (it’s been a long day!). Thank you everyone. Will read these

I have been going through the exact same thing for six years, so I ow how you feel! Daughter, four children and her ex ran off with her friend! Since then he and partner have called the police on her and me with fictitious stories. They eventually told her to move away from him. He has taken her to court on a number of occasions to get contact with children under his terms and also to damage my daughter with lies. One sheriff could see right through him but another believed everything he said. Forward six years, the oldest two kids 13 and 15, won't have anything to do with him, the 11yr old has gone to live with him, and the youngest,7, is now saying she doesn't want to stay with him. So I see another trip to court on the horizon! The social work think he is manipulating the 11yr old, but can't do anything as there is no physical abuse.
They were all living with me but have since found their own place. I did reach breaking point last year, I lost 3 stone, started drinking...thankfully stopped now... and was put on anti depressants and sent to counselling . I have always been a strong person but this broke me. You have yo try and look after yourself or you will be no use to your family. Only fight the battles you know you can win, keep all communication from him as evidence. My daughter found that 'parallel' parenting works best. Treat him like a business client, don't get personal, only answer things that relate to the children in a businesslike way and ignore everything else.
Thankfully my daughter is now strong and stands up to him, and I am on the mend.
Good luck and remember once your GS is old enough he can dictate how and when he sees his dad. Here in Scotland it's 11.
Sorry all for the long post but I could write a book!

Not sure what happened. I wrote a long reply last Night and can’t find it anywhere. I’m sure I pressed post ?

My heart goes out to you, Summermary! IMO, you need to some issues in your mind, if only to bring yourself some peace. First, though I know it's frustrating that the dad came back into the picture a little late, IMO, it's good for GS to know his dad wants to be w/ him. Second, while I know it hurts to think that GS might be influenced by gifts and skating outings, etc. w/ his dad, IMO, it's really no harm if they enjoys these things together. I'd be glad that someone can provide these things, especially if my DD couldn't and neither could I. Also, I would be pleased that his dad can now offer a more stable environment than before.

What would concern me would be the dad's refusal to accept the ADHD and Asperger's diagnoses. Also, that DD seems to be so disorganized and confused about her communication w/ her ex. Clearly, she did not send him a choice of dates, even if she thought she did, even if only b/c of her phone. I know it's hard b/c of he ME, but she needs to get on top of this or let a solicitor or social worker handle it for her. Or Home Start, which was a good suggestion, IMO. The fact that she has trouble dealing w/ court, etc. is just all the more reason, I feel, that she can't handle this alone. And neither can you (nor should you have to). It's so beautiful for you to be there for her, but she may need additional and, perhaps, more professional help.

I'm also concerned about GS being in the middle of all this conflict, of course. It seems as if "one minute" he doesn't want to see his dad more often and the next, he's excited about skating w/ his dad, etc. I'm getting the impression that he's confused (understandably) and, maybe, sometimes, says what he thinks the parent he's talking to wants to hear. (So - well, you would know better than I, but maybe the dad didn't "lie" about things GS said, perhaps the poor child is telling each parent a different story.) GS needs to know that he can voice whatever is truly in his heart, no matter what anyone else thinks/wants.

In addition, I share your concern about the dad calling your house, "Nana's house." Is that just how dad happens to think of it or is he deliberately trying to change GS' view of it? But as much as GS is w/ you and DD, I'm sure he will continue to see it as his home, as you told him. Words are one thing, but his dad can't change how GS feels about his home inside.

Finally, I'm worried about you. You have - and have had - so much on your plate and you tell us you feel as if you're on the verge of a breakdown. This is another reason to get professional people involved. IMO, you've sort of become be DD's lawyer and therapist and GS' acting parent all rolled into one. And that's just too much. You need to take care of you. Hugs!

Sorry your reply disappeared. Looking forward to hearing from you later.

BTW, is GS getting professional help for his problems? I hope so.

Oh, Ninja, somehow just saw your post. My heart goes out to you, as well. Glad you're doing better now, and totally agree w/ your advice to Summer to "look after" herself or she can't be much "use to her family." No doubt, you and others are right that things will get better when GS is old enough to decide for himself if and how often he wants to see his dad.

Waltz, your story broke my heart, altogether! Those poor children! That is, if the dad committed some kind of abuse, as I take it he did. Regardless, I'm glad contact w/ the older child is restricted and supervised. But do I understand that this hasn't influenced how much contact he is allowed w/ the younger one? I understand about the age, but if they believe the older one, why would the courts allow more contact w/ the younger? Hopefully, the next three years will pass quickly, and she will be able to be "heard" by the courts.

But rereading, I see the dad hasn't contacted either of the kids in a year. Was this his choice? If so, just as well, I suppose. I know this must be hard on you, as well as on DD and your GC. Hugs!

To try and be brief OP, I feel you should take any help you can get from wherever it comes. It’s so easy to ‘ foresee’ a possible outcome of this, but it may not be the way you see it. What is sure, is that one of you, you or your daughter or both, will most likely have a breakdown, and then you’ll be no use to anyone, and then your GC may both be taken into care. Work with the father. He has every right to see his son, no matter how he behaved in the beginning. Perhaps he’s really trying to be better. When you say your GS always came home anxious, but was excited to be home, I presume you mean he was anxious with his father, but glad he’s back with you and his mum. Are you sure about this? Could he be anxious about coming back to you? Sorry to ask this, but I can’t see why he would have any reason to be uncomfortable with his dad, other than possibly hearing you and your daughter talking. You really need to look after yourself, and your GS having visitation with his dad is a good start. He could take him to the moon and back, but it shouldn’t matter if he has a good time, and you have a rest.

Endlesstrife's post sent me back to this sentence:

"Ex says GS exhibits severe anxiety on returning here- we see a boy who rushes in excitedly, smiles, says how glad he is to be home."

I read that a little differently than endless. I think it says that XSIL claims that GS is always anxious about returning home, but that to the OP and her DD, GS always seems happy to be back and even says so. That might be a difference in perceptions. Or it might be a matter of GS showing each parent (and the OP) what he thinks they want to see/hear., as I mentioned before. Or it might just be the very normal thing of a child not wanting to end a fun visit but then being ok once they get home. All this is probably why the courts don't take the word of children under a certain age. There are so many different factors that can influence them.

Jan135 I appreciate your reply. My daughter is hoping to avoid the hearing but it seems no matter what is agreed he finds issues with it. If she emails the court what reason am she give them to move hearing to our home town. This court listed is over an hour away. Also I think the ex might be trying to avoid judge dd has seen before. Thank you.